After a black-tie dinner, the President (Martin Sheen) and his staff are locked down in the White House when a foreign substance is detected inside, forcing an odd coupling of peole who are forced to occupy small rooms where they share personal reflections — and some turn confrontational when Toby (Richard Schiff) accuses Will (Joshua Malina) of backstabbing Bartlet. As the inspection continues, the President, Fiderer (Lily Tomlin) and Charlie (Dule Hill) submit to intense inspection while in other corners, C.J. (Allison Janney) has strong career advice for Donna (Janel Moloney) and Josh (Bradley Whitford) queries security adviser Kate (Mary McCormack) on why his joke was deleted from the Chief’s speech.
THE WEST WING 5X20 - "NO EXIT" TELEPLAY BY CAROL FLINT & DEBORA CAHN STORY BY CAROL FLINT & MARK GOFFMAN DIRECTED BY JULIE HeBERT TRANSCRIBED BY SOUNDMAN FOR TWIZ TV.COM SEND FEEDBACK TO firstname.lastname@example.org. ========================== DISCLAIMER: ========================== "THE WEST WING" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and (c) by Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Brothers Television in association with NBC. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain. For Entertainment and Educational purposes only. No infringement intended. ========================== TRANSCRIPT: ========================== TEASER FADE IN: EXT. - STREET - DC - NIGHT We see the presidential motorcade driving down the street. We hear Debbie laughing from inside the limo. BARTLET Even the Latin line got a laugh. CUT TO: INT. - PRESIDENTIAL LIMO - NIGHT Bartlet, Debbie, and Leo are in the limo driving back to the White House. DEBBIE I'm still laughing. BARTLET Real reason I went for a second term: couple more years between this gig, the Gridiron, and the Alfalfa Club, I'll be ready for the Def Comedy circuit. DEBBIE I'd hold out for Vegas, sir. BARTLET My first Correspondent's Dinner was a nightmare. Bombed. LEO Put that behind you tonight. BARTLET I killed. Bartlet holds out a tissue box to Debbie and she takes a tissue. BARTLET They laughed till they cried. They're still crying. DEBBIE Honestly, sir, in my case, it's the pollen count. But for an Anglo-Saxon, you were darn funny. CUT TO: EXT. - WHITE HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT The motorcade pulls up and parks. Bartlet, Leo, and Debbie get out. BARTLET Here we go. DEBBIE Ah, thank you, sir. I go forth to bring word of your triumph. LEO We still got a phone call with the Japanese Defense Minister. BARTLET Let's do it upstairs. I've got to check in with Charlie first. Agent Broder, May I? Agent Broder pulls out a pack of cigarettes and opens it up for Bartlet to get one. BARTLET Thank you. Tell me something. AGENT BRODER Yeah. BARTLET Do you even smoke? BRODER Gave it up a year ago. BARTLET Ha. That's what I call willpower. LEO That's what I call enabler. CUT TO: INT. - SECRET SERVICE WATCHROOM - NIGHT We see inside that watchroom that several agents are monitoring computer screens and video monitors. We see on a large screen C.J. walking through the White House lobby. She is carrying a very larger bouquet of flowers. Will comes into the lobby and almost runs into her. C.J. Whoa. WILL Here, let me. CUT TO: INT. - LOBBY - WHITE HOUSE - CONTINUOUS C.J. No, you shouldn't. I'm the idiot who... It's an Ohio thing. If it's going to be thrown away... WILL There I was coveting one of these things all through dinner. C.J. What? It's yours. WILL No, I wasn't serious. C.J. I'm not going to even be around this weekend to enjoy them. Will takes the bouquet and they go in opposite directions. We see Josh and Donna walking and we follow them to Donna's cubicle. DONNA He used your other stuff. JOSH That's not the point. DONNA It's not? JOSH The point is the line worked. I liked it, the President liked it. He had nine laugh-out-louds; he could have had ten. DONNA Yet the world keeps turning. JOSH Look it up. DONNA This is me looking. Here we go. Line 27... "delete per NSC. Code 2.2a indication. Commander Harper." JOSH NSC? The NSC killed my Panama joke? DONNA Was it a joke about warheads? JOSH Call Colonel Klink over there. I want to know what happened. DONNA Now? I'm calling. JOSH 2.2a my... Josh goes into his office. DONNA Josh Lyman's office for Commander Harper, please. Josh comes back out carrying a fishing pole and a fish basket. JOSH On your way out, give this to C.J. DONNA Really? CUT TO: INT. - SECRET SERVICE WATCHROOM - NIGHT We again see the computer monitor and it is monitoring. AGENT LEE Your wife called. Said don't forget the video. BRODER My daughter's having a sleepover. We're talking Nemo. LEE Whatever you say, sir. BRODER Remind me to have you pull more Saturday nights, Lee. We see that the green line on the computer screen has become slightly more erratic. CUT TO: INT. - OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Debbie and Charlie are talking. CHARLIE So, he pulled it off? DEBBIE Grading on a curve, yes. CHARLIE But... DEBBIE You can't tell him. CHARLIE Okay. DEBBIE Second half, I was in the ladies' room. CHARLIE Hay fever. DEBBIE And I was seated with the guests of, um... I thought they were the guests of Leno's. Whoever they were, they were drenched with cologne. CHARLIE You should have said something. DEBBIE What? "Would you mind scrubbing your necks before we have our salad?" CHARLIE You're allergic. DEBBIE It's not an allergy; it is a sensitivity. CHARLIE Kind of looks like an allergy. Bartlet comes in from the Oval Office still dressed in his tuxedo. DEBBIE You just tell me your hot water's turned back on so I won't worry about you all weekend. CHARLIE My hot water is back on. It will be. BARTLET Charlie, did you pull DOD's report on the Pacific Missile Shield? CHARLIE It's right here. BARTLET Thank you. Leo's coming to the Residence. We're going to take that call from the Japanese up there. CHARLIE I'll send it up. He hands Bartlet a folder. BARTLET What happened to your hot water? CHARLIE Nothing. It's all squared away, sir. BARTLET Are you falling behind on your bills, Char? CHARLIE I'm fine, sir. Thank you. BARTLET I'm sure there's some statute that prevents me from staking you to a loan, but Debbie's a soft touch. We hear Debbie sniffling and suddenly she sneezes very loudly. CUT TO: INT. - SECRET SERVICE WATCHROOM - NIGHT We see on the computer screen that a monitoring system has started alerting. We also hear an alarm. CUT TO: EXT. - PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT Agent Broder is walking to his car. His phone starts ringing and he answers it. BRODER Broder. CUT TO: INT. - SECRET SERVICE WATCHROOM - CONTINUOUS LEE We're getting a ping, on the EHM. CUT TO: EXT. - PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS BRODER The Rosey Room again? LEE [VO] No, sir. Outer office to the Oval. CUT TO: INT. - SECRET SERVICE WATCHROOM - CONTINUOUS We see Lee indicate something to a nearby agent. LEE I'm crashing the House. CUT TO: EXT. - PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS BRODER Where's...? LEE [VO] Eagle is covered. CUT TO: INT. - SECRET SERVICE WATCHROOM - CONTINUOUS LEE I need help securing the West Wing. BRODER On my way. CUT TO: EXT. - PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS We see Broder hang up his phone and he starts running. CUT TO: INT. - OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Bartlet, Charlie, and Debbie are still standing and talking when a female agent comes in. She hands face masks to Bartlet, Charlie and Debbie. AGENT Mr. President, I need you to don a mask. This is a crash, put these on, please. BARTLET Is this a drill? AGENT No, sir. The Environmental Hazard Detector's picking up and unusual pattern of airborne particles. BARTLET We've had a couple of false alarms for anthrax since the last patch. AGENT Everyone follow me. This way, quickly. BARTLET Just do what she says. They follow the agent out of the office. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER. * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. - JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - NIGHT We see Donna walking through the bullpen to C.J.'s office. She is carrying the fishing gear that Josh gave her earlier. She meets a press worker named JACK SOSA waiting outside C.J.'s office. JACK Look who it is. Nice rod. DONNA Is she gone? JACK Ladies' room. He hands her a fairly large book. JACK Press detail for the CODEL. Have a fabulous time. DONNA What's...? JACK Faxes need to clear a 90-minute window before briefing. Try and keep track of your time zones. And don't drink the water. CUT TO: INT. - COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - NIGHT We see Will coming into the Communications office still carrying the bouquet of flowers. TOBY Was the Vice President happy with his speech tonight? WILL You know how many Bob Russell jokes were told tonight? 32. I almost lost count. I was gonna carve notches on my belt. TOBY You're not answering my question. WILL Vice President Russell's a guy who went to Hong Kong, opened a fortune cookie and found an actual fortune. What does that even mean? TOBY That Bob Russell's corrupt. WILL Okay, I know what it means, but my point is.. TOBY Come in here. They go into Will's old office. CUT TO: INT. - BASEMENT - WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT We see the female Agent leading Bartlet, Debbie, and Charlie to the Decontamination Area. CHARLIE First time? Debbie nods her head. BARTLET You're in for a treat. AGENT None of you came in any contact with any powdery or gooey substances? CHARLIE Nope. AGENT Open any sealed containers? DEBBIE Breath mints, in a tin on my desk. BARTLET I smoked a cigarette. Did the First Lady install a nicotine upgrade on the detector? CUT TO: INT. - JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT Kate Harper comes to the door of Josh's office. HARPER Josh Lyman? JOSH Yes. HARPER You asked to see me. Kate Harper. I'm the new Deputy NSA. JOSH You're Commander Harper. HARPER Kate's fine. Sorry I haven't gotten around to introducing myself to everyone yet... Her beeper goes off. HARPER Excuse me. I'm just gonna grab one of these. She grabs a case of water from the hall. JOSH You thirsty? HARPER Would you like one? JOSH No, thanks. I'm about to head out. A Secret Service Agent comes to the door. AGENT We're crashed, Mr. Lyman. JOSH Now? AGENT Thank you, Ms. Harper. JOSH Almost out the... AGENT I need you to stay where you are. He closes the door behind him. Josh's beeper goes off. JOSH Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. CUT TO: INT. - WILL'S OLD OFFICE - NIGHT Toby and Will are talking. TOBY It's a simple question, yes or no. Was the Vice President happy with his speech tonight? WILL I have no idea what you're talking about... Agent Broder opens the door and speaks to them. BRODER We're crashed, gentlemen. TOBY Come again? BRODER The building's on lockdown. I need you to stay put we know what's up. He closes the door. WILL Love what you've done with the place. CUT TO: INT. - CAROL'S OFFICE - NIGHT Donna is waiting for C.J. We see her come into the office followed by the agent who spoke to Josh and Kate. C.J. We're crashed. DONNA Again? AGENT Ms. Moss, would you mind stepping in? DONNA Oh, sure. The agent ushers Donna in and shuts the door behind her. C.J. Did Jack make it out? DONNA Jack left in a huff. C.J. Five more minutes, I could have been in my car. DONNA Who's Maura Leary? C.J. Press Secretary in Congressman DeSanto's office. Oh, it's you. You're going on the CODEL. DONNA Yeah. C.J. You bumped Jack. He was doing Press Detail. He's probably making a voodoo doll of you right now. DONNA I... I don't want to kick him off the trip. Josh didn't say anything about... C.J. White House only gets one rep. But don't worry: you're not his first voodoo doll, and they rarely work. DONNA This is for you. C.J. Oh, sweet Lord, what have I gotten myself into. DONNA Is it your birthday? C.J. I'm going camping. CUT TO: INT. - DECONTAMINATION AREA - WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT We see Bartlet, Charlie and Debbie headed into the decontamination area. Inside, waiting for them, is DR. MIKE GORDON. BARTLET What about automatic bank drafts? CHARLIE I hear they're convenient, sir. DR. MIKE GORDON We're in here. They come in and Gordon shuts the door. GORDON Mr. President, how are you feeling? BARTLET Dandy. I killed at the Correspondent's Dinner tonight. Have I met you before? GORDON Uh, no, sir. I'm Dr. Mike Gordon. I'm new to the unit, but I've been through all the drills. BARTLET I should do my Latin-as-the-national-language run for him. CHARLIE Uh, no, sir. BARTLET Meet my lucky staff: Charlie Young, Deborah Fidderer. CHARLIE How you doing? DEBBIE Nice to meet you. GORDON You need to keep on your masks. CHARLIE Sorry, last time, they let us... GORDON Until the agents confirm the code, we're on standard respiratory precautions. DEBBIE You've been here before? CHARLIE Once. They usually turn us around at the bottom of the stairs. GORDON Mr. President, I'm going to take your blood pressure. BARTLET Don't be shy. I'm used to being manhandled by the medical unit. Are you Army? GORDON Yes, sir. Have you been coughing any this evening, Mr. President? BARTLET Not at all. What are you hearing, agent? AGENT The ventilation system shut down per design. No other detectors are picking up any unusual particles. A few personnel are being held at their desks. BARTLET How about upstairs? AGENT The Residence is clear. GORDON Are you experiencing any shortness of breath, sir? BARTLET No, I'm fine. You can skip ahead with the questions. GORDON It's a long list, but I do need to go through it, sir. CHARLIE Do the questions, sir. We want to take our time with the questions. GORDON So, you're aware of what's coming next? CHARLIE Oh, yeah. DEBBIE Does it have anything to do with nasal swabs? GORDON Afraid that's affirmative. BARTLET Serving at the pleasure of the President just gets better and better. DEBBIE You read my mind, sir. She sits down and sneezes into her mask. CUT TO: INT. - RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - NIGHT Leo is on the phone. LEO Have we confirmed anything? ... So, unless there's a problem... ... I will hold my location, yeah. ... I'm aware of that. ... I will not leave the Residence. Abbey comes in. ABBEY What are they telling you, Leo? LEO Forty minutes tops, assuming no other developments. ABBEY They told me ten. LEO Probably it'll be more like ten. She goes over to the table and picks up the phone. LEO Hey, you okay? I saw you slip out early. ABBEY Got a shift; I had to change my clothes. LEO The exit was a little conspicuous. ABBEY I wasn't throwing food. LEO The First Lady leaves before the President's speech? ABBEY Jed knew I could only be there for the first half. LEO Did anyone else know? ABBEY Hello. This is Dr. Bartlet. Would you tell Jerry I'm running late? Thanks. She hangs up the phone. LEO What are you doing at this hour? ABBEY I'm at the clinic one night a week: midnight, 8:00 am. LEO Graveyard? ABBEY We try not to call it that in front of the patients. LEO Midnight to 8:00 doesn't sound like you're handing out lollipops. Does C.J. have anything to say about this? ABBEY C.J. doesn't go to the clinic. LEO I'm saying... ABBEY I know what you're saying. LEO You could have talked to somebody about this. ABBEY I talked to the President. He didn't tell you I was working night? LEO No. ABBEY He never tells me anything either. CUT TO: INT. - WILL'S OLD OFFICE - NIGHT Toby and Will are still talking. WILL You're upset because the VP didn't use any of your jokes. TOBY I'm upset because he didn't use any of anybody's jokes! 'Cause he gave a humorless sermon at a humorous roast! 'Cause he made the President of the United States look like a buffoon! Like he's squirting seltzer bottles while Pompeii's in flames. WILL Volcanic ash. TOBY What? WILL Rome burned. Pompeii was blanketed in volcanic ash. TOBY I want to know if Bob Russell's happy he upstaged the President. WILL The Vice President spent three hours as a pin cushion: dull jokes, stiff jokes, agribusiness jokes, unpreparedness jokes, immovable hairline jokes. He provided plenty of humor to the proceedings. He thinks these are serious times and he didn't want to bow and scrape and tell knock-knock jokes to all establishment in Washington. You're damn right he was happy. TOBY From now on, any joint POTUS-VPOTUS appearance, I clear his speech. WILL First of all, no. Second, you're mad he didn't use any of your jokes. TOBY Okay. Toby laughs. TOBY The problem with Bob Russell jokes is he doesn't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes. WILL These are serious times. TOBY And only the Vice President has figured that out! WILL According to you, he's the only one tonight who didn't look like a buffoon, and he's the only who wasn't taking your advice, so add one to the other and tell me what you get. TOBY We're done here. He goes to the door and opens it. Agent Broder is there. TOBY Excuse me. BRODER You need to close the door. TOBY My office is two feet... BRODER Strict procedures, Mr. Ziegler. TOBY I guarantee the President would prefer... BRODER I'll let you know when. TOBY I'm not staying with this guy. You can... Toby tries to get past Broder and Broder pushes him to the floor. BRODER I'm sorry, Mr. Ziegler. He helps Toby up. BRODER Stay inside the room, gentlemen. He shuts the door and Will comes to the window. WILL Oh, man. We see the contamination team sealing up the doors into the Communications office. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE. * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. - DECONTAMINATION AREA - NIGHT Bartlet is talking with Ron Butterfield while Debbie and Charlie are being checked out. BARTLET So this is verified? Gold alert? BUTTERFIELD The office was sealed in less than eight minutes. While the alarm's being verified, the scanner began a DNA diagnostic. BARTLET Malfunction's still possible? BUTTERFIELD Yes. But while we rule out system error, hazmat moves ahead with a sweep of the area. GORDON Any shortness of breath? DEBBIE Not really. I have a little allergic rhinitis, but no, the answer's no. CHARLIE Ow! DOCTOR Sorry. CHARLIE Was that my sinus or my frontal lobe? GORDON Do you feel any kind of burning sensation on your skin or eyes? DEBBIE Not on my skin. GORDON Your eyes? They're pretty red. DOCTOR That's all of them. CHARLIE Take that straight to Fort Detrick. DEBBIE You'd hate for them to get lost. GORDON Ms. Fiderer, about your eyes... DEBBIE The pollen count has been in the go-back-to-bed region all week. GORDON Has your nose been burning. DEBBIE Running more than burning, but that's from the cloud of Chanel at dinner. CHARLIE She's got a fragrance sensitivity that she's pretty sensitive about. GORDON Was anything actually sprayed on you at this dinner? DEBBIE Well, actually - this won't count - but when I took my tablemates to meet the President, I thought they were guests of Leno's but it turns out they weren't. While we waited for him to finish with the party ahead of us, I didn't even see the woman get into her bag and - shhh! - she spritzed right into my face. GORDON Are you saying this aerosol actually got on you? She nods. We see that Agent Butterfield, who has been talking to Bartlet, is about to leave. BUTTERFIELD We expect an ID in 20 minutes. BARTLET Thanks, Ron. GORDON I'm sorry, Agent Butterfield, no one leaves. BUTTERFIELD What? GORDON I'm calling a Code Chem. We need to run a DE-CON protocol. BUTTERFIELD Are there chemical indications? GORDON Fiderer was sprayed with an unknown agent in proximity to the President. It's causing edema and burning in the eyes. I'm going to have to ask everyone to take a decontamination rinse in the shower, starting with the President. BARTLET Oh, for the love of Mike. GORDON We'll proceed one at a time and meet in the clean area. We should move as quickly as possible. BARTLET I'm all for the protocol, Major, but this is absurd. GORDON My apologies. BARTLET We've got an oversensitive, overpriced piece of equipment that's overreacting. GORDON Yes, sir. You'll find written instructions in the shower. Make sure you scrub vigorously and rinse your eyes. BARTLET You're making a great impression, Doc. GORDON Mr. President... BARTLET Ron'll put in a good word to your CO. CHARLIE Mr. President, get in the shower. Bartlet moves to comply. CUT TO: INT. - C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT C.J. has changed out of her evening gown and Donna is standing at the window. C.J. Can you see anybody? DONNA Josh's door is closed. He's not picking up? CUT TO: INT. - JOSH'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Josh's phone is ringing. He picks it up. JOSH Josh Lyman's office. CUT TO: INT. - C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS C.J. And Josh Lyman himself. CUT TO: INT. - JOSH'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JOSH Donna's MIA. C.J. No. She's right here. CUT TO: INT. - C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS C.J. What's the holdup? JOSH I don't know. I got a... CUT TO: INT. - JOSH'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JOSH [cont.] ... Deputy NSA stuck in here with me. CUT TO: INT. - C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS C.J. Well, ask her why we can't throw a little money at the system and do something about these false alarms. CUT TO: INT. - JOSH'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JOSH C.J. Cregg would like to know why we spend half our lives in unnecessary lockdowns. HARPER Better safe than sorry. JOSH She's got nothing. CUT TO: INT. - C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS C.J. sighs and hands the phone to Donna. DONNA Did you know I'm taking Jack Sosa's place on the trip? JOSH [VO] Are you? DONNA He was on Press Detail. JOSH [VO] Bummer. DONNA Now I'm on Press Detail. CUT TO: INT. - JOSH'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JOSH Bring him back a keychain with a pyramid on it or something. Whoops, I got another line beeping. What do I do? CUT TO: INT. - C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS DONNA Press hold and... CUT TO: INT. - JOSH'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Josh hangs up the phone before Donna can finish. CUT TO: INT. - C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS DONNA He didn't press hold. She hangs up the phone. C.J. Weren't you getting a drink with that guy from the Post-Intelligencer? DONNA I thought we had stuff to wrap up. Apparently it was just Operation Rod & Reel. C.J. He was cute. DONNA Eh, he'll call. C.J. is tying her boots and she puts one of her feet up on the table. When she does she knocks some stuff off into the floor. C.J. Oh, God. Sasquatch. Donna laughs as C.J. lays sideways on the couch. CUT TO: INT. - WILL'S OLD OFFICE - NIGHT Toby is gingerly touching the back of his head. WILL Ice might help. TOBY Are you making conversation? WILL You don't want it to swell up. TOBY There's no ice here and, as you may have noticed, we're not at liberty to wander. WILL Do they always do that? Saran-wrap the Oval. TOBY I don't know. If it was real, Russell would know. You would have gotten a call. WILL My cell phone's out in my coat pocket, and since your scrubbing of my old office included the phone... He was fast, that guy. You think that was judo? He opens a mini-fridge that is still in the office. WILL There are sodas in here. They're cold. TOBY I'm not putting a soda on my head. WILL Okay. There's gonna be a bump. CUT TO: INT. - RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - NIGHT Abbey is seated on the couch and she is talking to Bartlet. ABBEY I don't know Major Gordon. Do we like him? CUT TO: INT. - DECONTAMINATION AREA - CONTINUOUS Bartlet is seated at a couch playing chess while he is talking to Abbey. BARTLET He didn't laugh at my Social Security joke. ABBEY [VO] That's a good sign. Your Social Security joke is one of those works-better-on-a-crowd-that's-been-drinking kind of things. I'm hoping he didn't even crack a smile. BARTLET I think we can count on Dr. Gordon's sobriety. ABBEY [VO] How's your blood pressure? Seriously. BARTLET Seriously, It's a miracle I'm still alive. ABBEY [VO] Take care of yourself. BARTLET Don't get too bored. ABBEY [VO] Leo's entertaining me. BARTLET Leo's still in the building? CUT TO: INT. - RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ABBEY Yes. BARTLET I thought they would... CUT TO: INT. - DECONTAMINATION AREA - CONTINUOUS BARTLET I thought he went home. ABBEY No, he's with me. CUT TO: INT. - RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ABBEY Until he gets whisked away to some undisclosed location, I'm gonna run with the false alarm story. BARTLET [VO] Put him on for a second. ABBEY Leo. She hands the phone to Leo and gets up. She goes to her purse and removes a bottle of pills. LEO How's it going? BARTLET [VO] It's all about the fun down here. What do I need on Japan? LEO Someone alerted the Chinese that Japan's on board with the missile shield. CUT TO: INT. - DECONTAMINATION AREA - CONTINUOUS LEO [VO] They're going to want to hear if China starts posturing, we're ready to go public with the plans in the Alliance. BARTLET Are we? CUT TO: INT. - RESIDENCE - SITTING ROOM - CONTINUOUS LEO We'll have to be. BARTLET [VO] Everything okay up there? He sees Abbey taking some pills. LEO Yeah. BARTLET [VO] Good. He hangs up the phone. ABBEY You can stay. LEO They don't think there's a real danger. ABBEY Better to have you here making sure I behave. LEO If it comes to that, have you got any of those to spare? Or are you hoarding the good stuff? ABBEY I'm sorry, where's my manners? I'm not going to tell you it's cold medicine. LEO You carry 'em with you? ABBEY "As needed." It's not a daily dose. How about I make us some tea? CUT TO: INT. - JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT Josh and Kate are still in his office. JOSH So, why'd you get the water? You went out and got a case right before the agent showed up. HARPER Do you want one? JOSH You knew we were going to be stuck here indefinitely. I didn't. HARPER It's a reflex. JOSH Yeah? "Better safe"? HARPER I was in a lockdown for 77 hours once. JOSH Where was that? HARPER Overseas. JOSH "Overseas" is a big place. HARPER Yeah. JOSH Were you in the Embassy in Haiti? HARPER I got a power bar, too, if things get ugly. JOSH Okay. I get it. CIA. I can look you up. I have code-word clearance. HARPER Not this code, you don't. JOSH So why'd you kill my Panama joke? HARPER What? JOSH In the President's speech tonight. What possible threat to National Security...? HARPER No threat. JOSH No? HARPER It wasn't funny. CUT TO: INT. - WILL'S OLD OFFICE - NIGHT Toby and Will are standing at the window watching the contamination workers. TOBY You don't really like Russell. WILL No, you don't. And your dislike isn't professional, it's personal. TOBY It's not personal. Visceral. WILL He's not inconsiderable once you spend some time with him. TOBY He's a featherweight who only looks like a lightweight because he's got you propping him up. WILL He's the heir apparent. TOBY Don't say heir apparent when we've got men in moon suits hermetically sealing the Oval. This is Russell's only shot, by the way. A night like this. You're comfortable with that? WILL Perfectly. Thank you. TOBY Well, great. WILL Only shot. TOBY This and voter fraud, another option. WILL Yeah, I see. TOBY Or a mob hit would also work. WILL Someday there's going to be a newer, younger political operative moving on to your landscape. Somebody up through the ranks from the domestic policy shop, and you'll be able to foist all your jealousy and resentment onto his unsuspecting shoulders and you'll give me a break for three consecutive minutes. TOBY Jealousy? This is good. WILL You've had one win in your career, one. And you're looking sunset in the face, and I'm just getting started, and that's eating you apart like some psychological melanoma. TOBY My jealousy of you? WILL It's an adrenaline sport and you're exhausted. If you had another fight in you, you'd be grooming Matt Packard or Howard Sturgis and you'd take me down, me and my anemic candidate. But you don't have it. I say this with a great amount of respect. I would be eternally grateful if you would back off. CUT TO: INT. - C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT C.J. is getting her stuff ready to go camping. C.J. My father had one of these. I barfed in it once. I usually threw up off the side of the boat. Sitting there, rocking in the lake swells. It was always about getting up at some God-awful hour in the morning. We're not going to make it to the Shenandoahs. DONNA You were driving there tonight? C.J. The plan was to hit the road by 11:00, get there by 1:00, pitch a tent by starlight, and wake up in the green world. DONNA You can still make it. C.J. There's going to be post-mortem on this. DONNA I doubt it. C.J. "Why the system's on the fritz. Is the White House crippled by its own protection?" DONNA We just left the entire press corps at the Hilton and they were liking the open bar. C.J. Still... DONNA Someone else can handle it. Spray a little Deet behind your ears and go have fun. C.J. picks up her phone. C.J. Hi. I'm still here. We've got a little bit of a situation. I'm afraid our little getaway isn't going to work. I'm really sorry. CUT TO: INT. - DECONTAMINATION AREA - NIGHT Bartlet and Charlie are seated and Debbie is standing having her blood pressure taken. DEBBIE Allergies have been a pain my whole life, but this is a new low. BARTLET None of that. CHARLIE For all we know, you probably saved our lives. BARTLET And at the very least, you got us into some comfortable clothes. You both comfy? DEBBIE Oh, yes, sir. I'm so digging the polyester. Gordon comes in carrying a tray with pills and water on it. CHARLIE It's a great look. BARTLET Cipro? GORDON Yes, sir. We'll treat prophylactically - 500 milligrams twice a day. Drink lots of water, it's dehydrating. BARTLET Let me guess: protocol. GORDON The cultures will be back in 48 hours. If it's negative for anthrax, we'll stop the regimen. CHARLIE So, we haven't ruled out anthrax? GORDON We haven't ruled out anything. Ron comes in. BUTTERFIELD Actually, we have. Mr. President? BARTLET Go ahead. If the phrase "We're all in this together" ever applied... BUTTERFIELD You can hold the Cipro, Doctor. The scanner has made a determination. It's positive for tularemia. CHARLIE What? BARTLET Is that a virus? GORDON Tularemia is a bacterium. It occurs rarely in insects and rodents. Theoretically, in an aerosolized form, it could be used as a weapon. CHARLIE Not looking all that theoretical at the moment. DEBBIE So, at the Correspondent's Dinner...? BUTTERFIELD No. We can eliminate that scenario. This bacteria was released in the office; probably within 10 to 15 minutes of the alarm sounding. CHARLIE Where in the office? BUTTERFIELD That's what hazmat's trying to determine. GORDON We can treat for tularemia immediately. With an antibiotic cocktail, you probably won't develop symptoms. BARTLET If it had gone undetected? GORDON Tularemia's likely to manifest as a severe respiratory infection: pneumonia, eventually systemic. CHARLIE Sounds bad. GORDON In the world of known pathogens, tularemia is closest to... well, in fact, it is plague. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO. * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. - WILL'S OLD OFFICE - NIGHT Toby and Will are in the office. Toby is balancing something on his hand. TOBY How long has it been? WILL Half an hour. TOBY It's like something out of Beckett. WILL You mean Sartre. TOBY If I meant Sartre, I would have said Sartre. WILL "Hell is other people." TOBY Okay, Sartre. CUT TO: INT. - JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT Josh and Kate are sitting in Josh's office and they are talking. JOSH We're stuck in a lockdown every time some frat boy on a hazing dare tries to jump the fence. You know how many undergraduate institutions there are in this town? HARPER It's not the fence. JOSH What is that? HARPER It's not the fence. JOSH Is there anything I can do to get a straight answer out of you? HARPER It's a possible airborne contaminant. JOSH How did you...? HARPER The ventilation system's off, which the do either in the event of a fire or they do in the event of a potential airborne contaminant. In the event of a fire I like to think they'll lock us outside the building. JOSH So, what kind of substance are we talking about? HARPER Could be anthrax, smallpox, botulism. Though it's hard to aerosolize, so it's probably not botulism. Sarin and VX kill you within minutes, so we can rule them out. Mustard's unlikely 'cause we'd smell it, and there'd be blistering... JOSH Okay. He drops his head onto the desk. JOSH Thanks. [pause] How'd you know the air's off? HARPER 'Cause it's hot. CUT TO: INT. - DECONTAMINATION AREA - NIGHT Bartlet, Charlie, and Debbie are in the decon area. Charlie is looking at some games and Bartlet is having his blood pressure taken by Dr. Gordon. CHARLIE Scrabble, Boggle, Parcheesi. DEBBIE How can they not have a deck of cards? BARTLET Nobody's got cash down here, Debbie. It's not a missed opportunity. DEBBIE The sprung for Boggle, they could have thrown in a deck of cards. BARTLET Ron? BUTTERFIELD Yes, sir. BARTLET Hazmat's really taking there time up there, aren't they? BUTTERFIELD Just a moment, sir. BARTLET Ron is on the phone. CHARLIE How about Risk? DEBBIE Bring it on. BARTLET Any changes in the last five minutes? GORDON Still 129/85. DEBBIE Not bad, considering. BARTLET Yeah. You'd have thought the word "plague" alone would have spiked us all into the stratosphere. CHARLIE You want to be red green? DEBBIE Either way, my army's taking Asia by Round III. BUTTERFIELD Mr. President, they found the source of the contamination. Hazmat found traces of tularemia in a recycle bin. DEBBIE Which bin? BUTTERFIELD It was found inside a manila envelope addressed to Charlie. CHARLIE To me? BUTTERFIELD To your home address. Did you bring in any mail from home? CHARLIE Only bills, mail that was already opened. The phone rings and Debbie gets up to answer it. DEBBIE Fiderer. BARTLET Ron, why don't you talk to Charlie alone? BUTTERFIELD Let's go inside. DEBBIE Mr. President, they're patching through your call from the Japanese Defense Minister. BARTLET Thank you. CHARLIE Mr. President, I swear... BARTLET It's okay, go on. They go into the next room. BARTLET Good morning, Mr. Takabi. ... We're having a wonderful evening. I can see the cherry blossoms from here. ... No, sir, I'm not concerned. We're ready to move forward. ... Well, I just think you're going to have to put a little more faith in our Department of Defense. CUT TO: INT. - WILL'S OLD OFFICE - DAY Toby is whistling to himself. WILL Are you serenading me? TOBY Myself. An ode to my sunset years. WILL All right, I'm sorry. That was a gross exaggeration. TOBY No, I love it that I live in your imagination crippled by jealousy and in my decline. That speech Russell gave tonight... WILL I could've given you a heads-up. TOBY No. It's... That's the speech the President should have given. A flailing economy, tribal rivalries exploding all over the world, the West Wing crashed four times this year, and we're running around playing dress-up, like a bunch of bad Dean Martin impersonators. That's the speech the President should have given. And you should have wrote it for him. CUT TO: INT. - RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - NIGHT Leo and Abbey are sitting at the table, talking. LEO You couldn't find some nice, innocuous baby seal campaign? You got to be downtown with the crackheads and the needle exchange? ABBEY They're understaffed. They asked me to pitch in. LEO Believe me, I love the idea of you ministering to the wayward and unwashed. I don't love you becoming a de facto spokesperson for a load of issues we can't support. ABBEY I'm not on a lecture tour, I'm seeing patients. LEO "Hello. My name is Clarissa Ponsissa. I'm 14 and sexually active. But I know it's okay, 'cause I got my condoms from the First Lady." Fox News is throwing a party. ABBEY We're five years in. They don't have the interest in pathologizing my every move. LEO They most certainly do. The clinic was one thing - volunteering, children's health - I think we sold that. But now it's all-nighters, Saturday nights? ABBEY Not negotiable. Since I came back, since Zoey, this is the only deal I've had with myself. Follow my gut. LEO Your Secret Service detail must be thrilled. ABBEY About as thrilled as you. CUT TO: INT. - DECONTAMINATION AREA - NIGHT Debbie is sitting at a computer looking over some stuff. DEBBIE It's colorless, odorless, could be stored in a sealed envelope. But it's sensitive to ultraviolet light. It is contagious. Some nut could have mailed it to Charlie. BARTLET Debbie, you'll drive yourself crazy with this. DEBBIE I know, I'm only giving myself three more minutes. BARTLET Then what? DEBBIE Then it's half an hour of silent meditation. How do you think I survive? BARTLET In this job, it's an apt question. DEBBIE In this world, Mr. President. BARTLET When I came into office, we knew the word "terrorist." It was in the daily briefing. But we pictured guys with turbans in the desert or some mad survivalist in a cabin in Montana. That party's over. Now anyone with high school chemistry is a potential threat. DEBBIE That's a lot of enemies, sir. BARTLET Too many. DEBBIE Since I was a kid, Spring came, everyone else ran outside to roll in the grass. Not me. My immune system sees harmless ragweed pollen as poison. My white blood cells are paranoid xenophobes. They go into full attack mode over everything - and nothing. I'm the one who suffers. BARTLET So, meditation's the ticket? DEBBIE Along with ballistic allergy shots. She turns to see Charlie talking to Ron. DEBBIE He won't forgive himself. CUT TO: INT. - C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT C.J. and Donna are sitting at her desk and they are talking while C.J. is looking at the Press Detail book that was given to Donna. DONNA Did Josh know we could only send one person? C.J. On the CODEL? Probably. Donna gives her something to eat. DONNA He said he was sending me so I could report back to him and Toby on meetings and what they were talking about. C.J. spits out the something. C.J. Ugh! This is carob! DONNA I just don't know how much I can report if I'm in the copy room. C.J. Fitz is going to fill them in. DONNA Sure. I just don't know why Josh told me that... Whatever. C.J. The Israeli embassy is going to give you four people, so for that leg of the trip you can sit in on a couple of meetings. DONNA Really? C.J. Mm-hmm. Page 12. C.J. hands Donna the book. DONNA Great. That's great. C.J. Josh Lyman needs a smack in the head. DONNA Why? C.J. He sold you a bill of goods. DONNA Not at all. He's gone out of his way to give me every opportunity he can. C.J. Okay. DONNA Hasn't he? C.J. Absolutely. DONNA C.J.? C.J. If he was giving you every opportunity, you would have grown out of this job three years ago. You can't blame him. He's never gonna find anybody else as capable. DONNA It's not a false alarm. It wouldn't take this long. C.J. I wish I had filled this damn canteen. DONNA Yon know, you can't blame Josh. It's not his job to... C.J. I don't blame Josh, it takes two of you. You choose to stay. DONNA It's the White House. C.J. It's not the White House, it's him. DONNA Okay. I don't really want to... C.J. Why didn't you get a drink with the guy from the Post-Intelligencer? You knew what was on your desk, you knew what was on Josh's desk. It wouldn't wait until Monday? DONNA Why did you cancel your camping trip? We're going to be out of here in a few minutes, you're going home to a rerun of Lettermen. I'm sorry. I just... C.J. You what? DONNA Nothing. C.J. You what, Donna? DONNA I think Ben's great. I think you guys are great together. I hope it works. C.J. Have you seen us together? DONNA Not really. [pause] What should I be doing? Instead of this? C.J. Anything. You should... go to lectures and symposia and look for opportunities with non-profits and have one-night stands with reporters from the Post-Intelligencer and go on dates with what's-his-name from the Solicitor General's office, and anything that doesn't have to do with Josh Lyman. DONNA Wow. Okay. Let's not do this. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE. * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. - C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT Donna and C.J. are sitting and they are reading. We can tell that both of them are a bit perturbed. They sit in silence as they occasionally glance at each other. CUT TO: INT. - WILL'S OLD OFFICE - NIGHT Toby and Will are talking. TOBY What you wrote for Russell tonight was profoundly disturbing. WILL Because he upstaged the President? TOBY Because he might win. WILL What? TOBY Who was the first person to shake his hand after the speech tonight? WILL I wasn't watching. TOBY Of course you were. WILL Chuck McGill, they golf. TOBY In a room full of 600 reporters McGill's not a golf buddy, he's Chairman of Ways and Means. You made a calculation, you positioned him brilliantly. It never for a second crossed my mind before, but if you keep this up he might win. WILL Thanks. TOBY It wasn't a compliment. You need to get the hell out of there. You're grooming this clown for a win and then what? WILL Four more years. A better prescription drug plan, maybe the educational overhaul you guys can't seem to get off the ground. TOBY With Howdy Doody at the helm? WILL This isn't a dictatorship. There are hundreds of people running this White House. The salient detail being they're all Democrats. You most of all... TOBY There are no launch codes at my desk! At the event of what I perceive to be a threat, I can't deploy troops to invade so much as a seven-eleven. I don't care who you surround this guy with, he's going to wield a tremendous amount of power. WILL He'll be fine. The Party wants a win. 60 million Democrats want... TOBY Winning is easy. WILL You only hit it once, and maybe never again. TOBY Because you back the guy who should win, not the guy who will win. I backed a man of vision, who's still hanging on to his integrity with his teeth. You're damn straight I won't win again. WILL There has to be a future, Toby. Someone will take the torch. You will despise the very notion of them whoever they may be. TOBY Go find someone you can honestly respect. Groom him. WILL I'll comb the countryside. TOBY We went to Hokumville, New Hampshire, to find one, yeah. Comb the countryside. WILL You go. If it's so important, you go. [pause] That's what I thought. Broder knocks and comes in. BRODER Crash is lifted. Apologies for the inconvenience. Will walks to get his coat as Toby leaves the office. CUT TO: INT. - DECONTAMINATION AREA - NIGHT Bartlet, Charlie, Debbie, and Gordon are seated when Ron comes in. BUTTERFIELD Hazmat's declaring the office clean. BARTLET What's the time? BUTTERFIELD Almost 43 minutes, sir. GORDON That's the all-clear? BUTTERFIELD Yes, it is. DEBBIE Gee, I finally nested. GORDON Your clothes and effects will be back from the lab on Monday. The antibiotics are ready... BUTTERFIELD I'm going to have to ask you to hold off on that for just a moment. GORDON Why? BUTTERFIELD I need to brief the President, then I'd like to speak to all of you in the Mural Room. If you run into anyone on the way up, we'd like you to treat this as a false alarm. CUT TO: INT. - RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - NIGHT Abbey is standing at the sink when Leo walks in. LEO False alarm. ABBEY Right. LEO He should be up soon. ABBEY I'm on my way out. LEO If this is about Jed, there must be other ways. ABBEY Other ways to what? LEO I don't know. ABBEY He's not running again. It's about saving lives now. LEO Okay. If that's what it's about. ABBEY Spit it out, Leo. LEO Somebody snaps the wrong photo of you with a junkie or somebody sees you pop a Xanax... ABBEY I don't care if they do. LEO I never had to tell you this before. You always knew when something was over the line. ABBEY I still do. LEO Okay, forget that. That was... that was... I'm saying, as your friend, I'm saying, as a person who had a close personal relationship with Valium for more years than I care to remember, it's dicey. It starts at "As needed". Then you need a little more. ABBEY I don't have a problem. Unless having a husband who spends evenings in an underground bunker counts. LEO It's hard on you. ABBEY On all of us. Do you know what this lifestyle does to the body? The minute your system senses stress it releases a hormone that constricts the blood vessels, contracts the heart muscles, stimulates the adrenal gland. You stay in this state for not a hundredth of the time that you and I have existed like this and the vessels begin to shred. The heart permanently constricts. The intestines, the immune system, shut down. Relieving those conditions is the one responsible course of action I can take. I am sorry it is not a course of action that's available to you, but if you think you're going to talk me out of it with some Valley of the Dolls cautionary tale, you have picked the wrong girl. LEO Okay. Do what you need to do. ABBEY What are you doing? Have you had your blood pressure checked lately? LEO I'm healthy as a horse, but thank you, Dr. B. ABBEY I'm not kidding. LEO I may not be Jack LaLane... ABBEY Go see Ted Mayfield, get and EKG. LEO Okay. ABBEY I'm mean it. I'll call and set up the appointment myself. LEO Enough, Abbey. I'm going to head downstairs. He leaves. CUT TO: INT. - C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT C.J. and Donna are seated when the male agent comes in. AGENT We're all clear, ladies. DONNA Hallelujah. AGENT Thank you for your patience. C.J. Do we know what happened? AGENT False alarm. C.J. I'm going to need a report from your supervisor for the briefing. Donna. DONNA Yeah? C.J. Good night. DONNA Good night. CUT TO: INT. - JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT Josh is in his office and we see that Kate is talking to the agent outside the office. JOSH Hey, Commander. Kate comes in. JOSH What'd he say? HARPER False alarm. JOSH He said that before. He didn't say anything else? HARPER Not really. JOSH You just talked to him for five minutes. HARPER His daughter's taking ballet: she's not very good. JOSH You know, you're not a spy in a Ukrainian nuke lab anymore. We talk about stuff here. HARPER Okay. JOSH We're going to be working together. You ought to work on the communication part. Friendly advice. HARPER Thanks. JOSH Nothing? Okay. Whatever. HARPER Your joke. JOSH Yeah, not funny, got it. HARPER There's a nuclear sub's been grounded for nine months, under repair at Pearl Harbor. It's back in commission and being deployed to patrol activity around Cape Verde off the coast of Mauritania. It's crossing from the Pacific to the Atlantic right now. Through a canal in... JOSH Panama. She smiles and leaves. As she does, we see Donna come to her desk. JOSH Donna! Donna grabs some things off her desk. JOSH Donna! She leaves her cubicle and goes to the door. Josh comes out of his office and looks for her. He looks toward the lobby and sees the door swinging. CUT TO: INT. - MURAL ROOM - NIGHT Bartlet is seated talking to Ron. Debbie and Charlie come in. BUTTERFIELD We beat our goal for the all-clear by more than five minutes. BARTLET Have a seat. Where'd we fall short? BUTTERFIELD One channel of the ventilation system failed to deactivate. If this had been a live infection, we'd have had a contamination in the communications area... DEBBIE I'm sorry to interrupt, sir, but what in the name of all that's holy... BARTLET Tonight's exercise was a drill. DEBBIE A drill? BARTLET A live drill, meaning the participants were unaware that it was a drill. Ron's agents, hazmat, and the entire medical staff were being tested. The three of us were the guinea pigs. DEBBIE Okay. BUTTERFIELD We're trying to address critical holes in the security system. We're fielding threats no one's ever had to face before. DEBBIE So, the tularemia...? BUTTERFIELD Was a stimulant - without harmful properties - that was planted in Charlie's recycle bin. CHARLIE Without my knowledge. BARTLET You were both participants of a top secret exercise tonight, and for the time being it's going to have to remain top secret. If I'm ever looking this in the face, I hope I've got folks beside me like the two of you. CHARLIE Thank you, sir. DEBBIE Thank you, Mr. President. They leave and go into the Outer Oval Office. Debbie grabs her coat and Charlie replaces the recycle bin from his desk. They leave the office. CUT TO: INT. - MURAL ROOM - NIGHT Bartlet comes back from the door and begins speaking to Ron. BUTTERFIELD They didn't question it. BARTLET I'm not surprised. BUTTERFIELD You didn't know it would be tonight, sir. BARTLET I knew it when you showed up. And it was worth it if we learned something useful. Did we learn anything, Ron? BUTTERFIELD A preliminary report will be on your desk in an hour. BARTLET Has the FBI made any progress? BUTTERFIELD They have a chemist under surveillance who tried to order bacteria from the CDC. Tularemia won't get through again. BARTLET You're right: on a need-to-know basis, who needs to know this much. CUT TO: INT. - HALLWAY - WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT Charlie and Debbie are walking out. DEBBIE Ah, I need a hot bath. CHARLIE You had a shower. DEBBIE Which is more than you can do at home, I guess, with your gas and electric issues... CHARLIE Rub it in. DEBBIE Good night. Toby meets with them. TOBY Can you believe another one of these? CHARLIE Nope. TOBY Are they sticking with false alarm? CHARLIE Yeah. TOBY That one's getting a little old. CHARLIE Uh-huh. We see Debbie leave. CUT TO: EXT. - WHITE HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT We see Debbie leave the building. She has her phone in her hand and she dials a number. DEBBIE Good night, gentlemen. We see a hazmat man cleaning out the Limo. DEBBIE It's me. ... Am I calling too late? ... I'm just getting out, I'm thinking Thai. ... Why, why would you be worried about me? ... Oh, yeah. True, the pollen count has been wicked. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END. * * * The West Wing episode 5.20 "No Exit", original air date 28 April, 2004.