Season 1 – Episode 5 – “The Crackpots And These Women”

Episode Summary:

Josh (Bradley Whitford) is troubled when he receives a special card informing him of where to safely go in the event of a nuclear attack — a privilege denied to most of his White House co-workers — while Leo (John Spencer) instructs the senior staff to meet with various special interest groups, some of whom have wacky agendas. Prior to an important press conference, Toby (Richard Schiff) voices strong opposition to many of President Bartlet’s (Martin Sheen) plans for an upcoming California trip and later checks out the rumor that he was not the chief executive’s first choice for the job. The President, meanwhile, virtually orders his staff to sample his prized chili when he arranges a reception for his Georgetown-bound daughter, Zoey (Elisabeth Moss).

Script:

THE WEST WING
'THE CRACKPOTS AND THESE WOMEN'
WRITTEN BY: AARON SORKIN
DIRECTED BY: ANTHONY DRAZAN

TEASER

FADE IN: EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - NIGHT
In a basketball court outside the White House, we see Bartlet, playing a
game of
basketball with a few of the White House staffers, including Toby, Josh and
Charlie.
Surrounding the court are Secret Service Agents. We hear the basketball
bouncing.

BARTLET [OS]
Oh, man. I'm sorry.

Toby takes the President to low post, shoots over him, and makes the shot
off the
backboard.

JOSH
Oh yes!

CHARLIE
That's how you do it now.

TOBY
Game point.

CHARLIE
Mr. President you look a little winded.

The President, with hands on his knees, tries to catch his breath.

BARTLET
I'm fine.

CHARLIE
Maybe you want to sit out for a minute, sir.

BARTLET
Why would I want to do that?

JOSH
Cause people are bound to be pretty upset when they find out we killed the
President.

TOBY
Sit down, sir.

BARTLET
All right, game point. Let's go.

JOSH
Sir...

BARTLET
I'm playing.

TOBY
Mr. President, there's no shame in calling it quits. All you have to do is
say,
'Toby, you're the superior athlete,' and slink on off the court.

BARTLET
Take the ball out, Toby.

TOBY
You're really going to keep playing?

BARTLET
Take the ball out. Let's go.

TOBY
Oh, this is perfect, you know that? This is a perfect metaphor. After you're
gone,
and the poets write, 'The Legend of Josiah Bartlet,' let them write you as
a tragic
figure, sir. Let the poets write that he had the tools of greatness, but
the voices
of his better angels was shouted down by his obsessive need to win.

BARTLET
You want to play or write my eulogy?

TOBY
Can I be honest with you, sir?

BARTLET
Mr. Grant!

Bartlet waves to a car in the sidelines. Toby, Josh, and Charlie looks as
a Secret
Service Agent opens a side door of the car and out comes a very tall black
guy,
possibly a professional basketball player. He approaches Bartlet and shakes
his hand.

JOSH
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Who's this guy?

BARTLET
I'm making a substitution.

TOBY
Who is this guy?

BARTLET
Mr. Grant's a new member of my team.

TOBY
A ringer, perhaps?

BARTLET
Mr. Grant is a federal employee.

TOBY
You know the thing about you, Mr. President? It isn't so much that you
cheat. It's
how brazenly bad you are at it.

BARTLET
I beg your pardon?

JOSH
Toby's got a point there sir.

BARTLET
When have I ever cheated?

TOBY
Up on Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J. You tried to tell us
that your
partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.

BARTLET
And she did!

TOBY
It was Steffi Graf, sir.

BARTLET
Well, I will admit that the woman bore a striking resemblance...

TOBY
It was Steffi Graf, you crazy lunatic! You think I'm not gonna recognize
Steffi Graf
when she's serving a tennis ball at me?

JOSH
Steffi Graf's won quite a few championships, sir. We've had many opportunities
to
see photographs.

BARTLET
Be that as it may, Toby Ziegler, Josh Lyman, Charlie Young. I would like to
introduce Mr. Rodney Grant. Mr. Grant is Associate Director of the
President's
Council on Physical Fitness. Game point. Your ball. Let's go!

TOBY
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

BARTLET
What?

TOBY
Not so fast.

BARTLET
What's the problem?

TOBY
Mr. Grant, your name sounds awfully familiar... Before you joined up with the
President's Council on Physical Fitness, a council, I might add, the President
would
do well to avail himself of... Is it possible, that you played some organized
ball?

GRANT
Yeah, I used to play a little with my friends.

TOBY
And where was that?

GRANT
I'm sorry?

TOBY
Where would that be?

GRANT
Duke.

Toby and Josh laugh out loud, while Charlie looks at Grant.

TOBY
This guy was in the Final Four!

BARTLET
Take the ball out, Toby. Game point. Let's go.

TOBY
Alright.

BARTLET
The new man.

TOBY
[to Grant] I'm taking you to the hole.

Toby dribbles the ball into low post. Grant guards him. Bartlet is guarding
Josh on
the other end of the court. Toby tries to shoot the ball.

JOSH
You got it!

Mr. Grant, with quick reflexes, blocks the ball hard, making it go out of
bounds.
Toby almost falls down.

TOBY
Oh!

BARTLET
Let the poets write about that there, Byron.

TOBY
Charlie, guard the new guy.

Charlie walks in front of Grant and stares at him.
SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *

ACT ONE

FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY

Donna comes out of the bullpen while Josh is walking by. Josh, surprised,
continues
walking down the hallway as the ever loyal Donna walks with him.

DONNA
You have a staff meeting.

JOSH
That's... where I'm going.

DONNA
I'm just telling you.

JOSH
Yes, but you see that's obviously where I'm going, and yet you tell me anyway.

DONNA
And you don't find that adorable?

JOSH
That you seek to control me?

DONNA
Yeah?

JOSH
Love it.

DONNA
Donald hasn't called me yet.

JOSH
Who's Donald?

DONNA
Donald?

JOSH
Yes.

DONNA
From the thing?

JOSH
Right. [stops by a side table to get coffee] Can we clear up a few things
about my
level of interest in the revolving door of local gomers that you see, in
the free
time you create by not working very hard at your job?

DONNA
Excuse me?

JOSH
You work hard at your job.

DONNA
How hard?

JOSH
Very hard.

DONNA
And I am?

JOSH
Not at all controlling.

DONNA
Thank you. You have a staff meeting.

JOSH
On my way.

Josh walks on towards the door, and stops and turns back as he hears Donna's
voice again.

DONNA
Wait, uh, there's another thing.

JOSH
What?

DONNA
Hang on.

JOSH
Donna?

DONNA
Hang on. [takes out a note from a folder] Here it is. Leo wants you to meet
someone
named Lacey from the National Security Council in his office after staff.

JOSH
Thank you. [takes the note, continues on his way, and walks out the door]

DONNA
What do you think it's about?

JOSH
I don't know. But this is the White House, so it's probably not that
important.

C.J. quickly walks past Donna and catches up with Josh.

C.J.
Josh!

JOSH
Ma'am.

C.J.
There's an article I want you to read in the New Yorker.

JOSH
What's it about?

C.J.
Smallpox.

JOSH
The disease?

C.J.
No, the dessert topping, Josh.

JOSH
Okay.

C.J.
Yes, the disease.

CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - CONTINUOUS

We see some of White House staffers seated around the table, including Toby,
Mandy,
Sam, Cathy and Margaret.

MARGARET
We do it at the first of every month.

CATHY
We've missed a few months.

SAM
But, generally speaking, we try to do it on the first of every month.

TOBY
We've done it twice in 12 months.

SAM
We're a little behind.

MANDY
I still don't know what we're talking about.

TOBY
It's 'Throw Open Our Office Doors To People Who Want To Discuss Things That
We
Could Care Less About... Day'

MANDY
Well, that sounds goofy, doesn't it?

SAM
It's not so bad. You talk to them for a minute. You give them a souvenir
pen with
the Presidential seal on it.

MANDY
This isn't a waste of time?

MARGARET
Oh, it's definitely a waste of time, but it's one of Leo's pet office
policies.

MANDY
Why?

LEO
[walks in] Good morning.

TOBY
[whispers to Mandy] Sadly you're about to find out.

LEO
Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of
cheese.

TOBY
Hmmm.

Some of the White House Staffers giggle lightly.

LEO
I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak
I'm
preparing appropriate retribution. [beat] The block of cheese was huge--over
two
tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

TOBY
Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country
that can't
possibly defend itself against us?

LEO
We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew
Jackson.

SAM
Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.

LEO
And Sam goes on my list!

SAM
What about Toby?

LEO
I'm unpredictable. [beat] Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the
people,
so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

MANDY
And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.

LEO
It is in that spirit...

SAM
Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?

LEO
Mandy's new.

SAM
So it's just me... on the list?

LEO
Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask
senior
staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing
organizations
who have a difficult time getting our attention. [beat] I know the more
jaded among
you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening
to the
voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples'
servants.

JOSH
[walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we're late. Is it 'Total Crackpot Day' again?

LEO
Yes, it is.

SAM
And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.

LEO
[to Josh] Actually you've got a thing right now.

JOSH
Yeah, I know. Donna told me.

LEO
Margaret, hand out those appointments would you?

Josh walks out with Leo from the Roosevelt Room into the HALLWAY.

JOSH
What's up?

LEO
First of all... [smacks Josh in the head]

JOSH
Ow!

LEO
That's for 'Total Crackpot Day.'

JOSH
Yeah, yeah.

They enter LEO'S OFFICE. Standing in the middle of the room is JONATHAN
LACEY. Josh
offers his hand.

LEO
Second of all, this is Jonathan Lacey.

JOSH
Josh Lyman.

LACEY
Good to meet you. [points at the door] Mr. McGarry, would you mind?

Leo closes the door and stands behind Josh.

LACEY
[to Leo] Thanks. [to Josh] I only have a few moments. I know you're busy too.

JOSH
What can I do for you?

Lacey opens a folder on the table. In the folder, attached with a paper clip
and a
cardholder, is a green-colored card. He takes it and gives it to Josh.

LACEY
I'd like you to keep this card on your person at all times. If you keep it
in your
wallet and you lose your wallet, your first call isn't to American
Express. It's to us.

JOSH
[looking at the card] Who's us?

LACEY
I'm sorry. I thought you knew. I'm with the N.S.C.

JOSH
[still looking the card] They told me that a minute... What's the card do?

LACEY
Tells you where to go in the event of a nuclear attack.

JOSH
[swiftly looks up] You're kidding me.

LACEY
Obviously, we want to get everyone up on Air Force One or into one of the
underground
command centers as quickly as possible.

JOSH
[very distraught] Sure...well,um...Okay, I really, um, I don't know what to
say.

LEO
[to Lacey] I guess that's it then?

LACEY
Should you have any questions, you should feel free to call.

JOSH
Sure. Sure...and my staff goes with me or do they have separate...?

A long silence fills the room. Lacey looks at Leo, who looks away.

JOSH
[surprised] Oh, God! Sorry...you know what? I just got it. Sorry...Ok, sure.
[takes out wallet] I'm just gonna stick this right here next to my, uh,
my video
club membership and there's no reason, I guess, why my staff ever has to know
anything about it...So there it is. [puts wallet back in pocket]
And I think the best thing to do is just forget all about it. I'll go now.

Leo opens the door. Josh takes a last look at Lacey, walks out and sees
White House
staffers passing through the hallways. He looks left, looks right, looks
left,
looks right again, and walks away.

FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *

ACT TWO

FADE IN: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY
The senior staff are preparing the President for a press conference. Sam,
Mandy, and
Leo are sitting in the blue chairs in the room, while Toby is walking around
in the
aisle. Mrs. Landingham carefully watches Bartlet as he walks left and right
behind
the briefing room's podium as he looks at a bunch of papers through his
glasses.

SAM
Last week's rise in the producer's price index coupled with the increasingly
tight
labor market have sparked a growing concern over future inflation. Do you
share that
concern, sir?

BARTLET
No, Helen, I don't. The U.S. economy is fundamentally...

SAM
Ah! I wasn't Helen there, sir. Actually, I was Sandy King.

BARTLET
From the... Miami Herald?

SAM
She moved to The Sun-Times.

BARTLET
But, your voice sounded the same as when you did Helen.

SAM
[different accent] Do you share that concern, sir?

BARTLET
No, not at all. The U.S. economy remains fundamentally strong as the steady
decline
in unemployment reflects, which I think is cause for satisfaction, not
gloom. The
solitary aberrant spike in the P.P.I. is not cause for overreaction.

SAM
You might also want to point out that there's been no corresponding increase
in
wholesale prices.

MANDY
Yeah, so Mr. President, if you could further see clear to not answer that
question
like an economics professor with a big old stick up his butt, that would be
good too.

BARTLET
I AM an economics professor with a big old stick up my butt, but I'll do my
best for
you there, Mandy.

MANDY
Thank you, sir.

SAM
[to Toby] That's it for the economy.

TOBY
Let's move to guns.

BARTLET
We don't need to do guns.

TOBY
Sir, they are absolutely gonna ask about guns.

BARTLET
I'm not saying they're not gonna ask about them, Toby. I'm saying I'm all set.

TOBY
How 'bout one or two questions, Mr. President?

BARTLET
[looks at watch] Is it time for my 10 a.m. scolding?

LEO
Are we gonna have this argument, again?

TOBY
[with hand raised a little] Mr. President...

BARTLET
Let's do guns.

TOBY
Sir...

BARTLET
Let's do guns, Sam.

Toby drops his hand, looks at the President and continues to pace the aisle.

SAM
Mr. President, is there any reason to believe this victory, this weapons
ban bill,
will have any significant reduction in crime?

BARTLET
Yes, next question.

TOBY
Mr. President...

BARTLET
Ah! Mr. Ziegler from the Coney Island Killjoy. You have a follow up?

Bartlet picks up the cup beside the microphone in the podium, finding it
empty,
puts it back. Mrs. Landingham gets up from her chair and walks to the podium.

TOBY
You're gonna take the question. We're lucky enough to get the question,
you're
gonna take it and blow it off?

BARTLET
Yes.

TOBY
Due respect, sir, may I ask why?

Mrs. Landingham takes the cup from the podium and starts to walk out through
the
back exit.

BARTLET
'Cause I'm weak-willed and stupid.

LEO
Let's do this another time.

TOBY
Four days ago sir, we talked this over.

BARTLET
Then I talked it over with some other people.

TOBY
Which people?

BARTLET
I have lots of other people.

TOBY
Sir, I believe we are missing a huge opportunity here...

Toby and the President continue to fight in the background. Just outside
the BRIEFING
ROOM, we see Josh standing by the door staring through space. C.J. walks
past him.
She notices him and looks back.

C.J.
What's going on?

JOSH
Hmm?

C.J.
What's going on?

JOSH
Oh, we're doing the thing.

C.J.
Why aren't you in there?

JOSH
I was just going in.

Mrs. Landingham, coming from the Briefing Room, walks behind C.J. with the
President's
cup in her hand.

C.J.
Good morning, Mrs. Landingham. Where are we in the saga of Toby and the
President?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
They seem to be having a disagreement.

C.J.
A disagreement or a fight?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Well, it certainly has the potential...

BARTLET [OS]
[shouts] Oh, for God's sakes Toby!

MRS. LANDINGHAM
There we go.

Mrs. Landingham walks out the door. C.J. looks at Josh, who is still staring
to space.

C.J.
[to Josh] Let's go in. [beat] Josh!

JOSH
Hmm?

C.J.
Let's go in. [walks inside with Josh]

TOBY
Sir...

BARTLET
I'm not gonna come out and say the bill we just passed is worthless.

TOBY
If we could just admit its weaknesses.

MANDY
Toby?

TOBY
Why not?

MANDY
It will infuriate the left, it will energize the right and everyone in the
middle
will feel they just got yanked around...I'm sorry, Mr. President, did you
want to
answer that?

BARTLET
Yeah, my answer was gonna be 'because I said so,' but you did pretty good.

MANDY
Say nothing of taking a victory and declaring defeat.

SAM
Yes.

MANDY
Look, Toby, by changing some words...

TOBY
By changing some words, the world can move or not by changing some words.

BARTLET
What's your point?

TOBY
I have many points, sir. I choose not to make them right now.

BARTLET
[eating a bagel] Well, on behalf of everybody in the west wing, Toby, let
me just
say that that's a relief.

Cathy, standing behind Josh and C.J. has just delivered a message for Sam.

SAM
Excuse me, Leo.

LEO
Yes?

SAM
Cathy tells me my first 'cheese' appointment is here, but I think preparing
the
President for this press conference should be a priority.

C.J.
I agree.

LEO
No.

C.J.
Leo, it...

LEO
No!

SAM
But I really need to get...

LEO
You're not getting out of these appointments.

C.J.
This is a very important press conference.

LEO
This is a thoroughly unimportant press conference.

SAM
I think this press conference is about our future.

BARTLET
[still eating] I think this press conference is about we haven't had a press
conference in a while.

LEO
Sam, go.

CHARLIE
[walks in] Mr. President? [points at his watch]

BARTLET
We're going too.

TOBY
Sir...

LEO
[to Toby] We'll pick this up this afternoon.

CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - DAY
Sam just came in to his office. He sees a nerdy BOB ENGLER sitting in a chair
beside the door.

SAM
So, you are from the United States Space Command?

BOB
Not a lot of people know about us.

SAM
This is my first time.

BOB
We're a little nerdy, I'll admit.

SAM
You camouflage it well with your clothing.

BOB
I'm used to that, Sam.

SAM
What can I do for you, Bob?

BOB
In a nutshell?

SAM
So to speak.

BOB
We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.

SAM
Are we paying any attention at all right now?

BOB
No.

SAM
Thank God. Like we don't have enough trouble with the First Lady and her
Ouija board.

BOB
I would like you to show the President some data we've collected on some
possible
extraterrestrial contact.

SAM
I really can't do that.

BOB
May I ask why not?

SAM
Because the President will either yell at me or laugh at me. Either way,
it won't
work out well for me.

BOB
This morning at 6:35 a.m. local time, air traffic control in Honolulu picked
up an
unidentified flying object flying east across the Pacific towards
California. Air
Force and Naval Jets have been in the area for hours and have been unable to
establish visual contact. These things happen and go unexplained. You don't
think
this is something you should take to the President?

SAM
No.

BOB
Again, may I ask why not?

SAM
Because there are levels and an order to our air defense command, and to
jump from
a radar officer to a commander-in-chief would skip several of those levels.

BOB
Like what?

SAM
Like the Pentagon, and, you know, perhaps, therapy.

BOB
Okay, I can see that.

SAM
Bob, no hard feelings, but I can't walk into the cabinet room and ask the
President
to put down the budget surplus because there are flying saucers over Maui.

BOB
Something's heading east in the sky over the Pacific. It's in and out of
our radar.
We can't see it, and it's up there right now. I leave you with that thought.

SAM
It's been good meeting with you, and I hope that you don't feel that you've
wasted
your time... I leave you with this pen. [shows a pen with a Presidential
seal on it]

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY
C.J. walks out of the Press Room. Mandy approaches her. C.J., not looking
at Mandy,
carries and places some papers from different places as she walks.

MANDY
I know the President's not wild about Larry Posner's fund-raiser on the
California
trip, but I think we can't pass. And I want to know where you were on this.

C.J.
You don't have to worry about me on Hollywood fund-raisers. You have to
worry about
Toby.

MANDY
I know. That's why I'm shoring up support.

C.J.
I'm in.

C.J. walks in the secretaries' bullpen. The confused Mandy passes through
the bullpen,
sees C.J. through the glass, and walks back to enter the bullpen.

MANDY
They sent pictures of the Malibu place. It's great.

C.J.
This wasn't the one we used during the primary?

MANDY
No, he bought another place.

C.J.
Where was the one where Roberto Benigni pushed me into this swimming pool?

MANDY
That was Larry Posner's house, but that was the old place. C.J....if it gets
a vote
then isn't it worth it?

C.J.
Which would be fine if Roberto Benigni can vote in our elections, but since
he's
Italian, that makes me a six foot wet girl in a Donna Karan dress.

CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY
Bartlet and Leo are meeting with distinguished people concerned with
economics.

LEO
I'm the only one in the room who isn't an economist, but it seems to me that
the
annual budget for the new fiscal year is found either in balance, in deficit,
or
in surplus. I don't know how I can sell congress, to say nothing of people
who
graduated eighth grade on the idea that there's anything in between.

BARTLET
Leo's not talking about the portion being accounted for as off budget and
particularly not the long-term capital outlays.

LEO
[points at the President] Here's where you lose me.

BARTLET
Ten years ago, the federal budget had a deficit of 22 billion dollars but the
national debt rose...

Charlie walks in the door behind the President.

BARTLET [cont.]
...from 5.2 trillion to 5.4 trillion in the same fiscal year.

Charlie gives the President the note in his hand.

BARTLET [cont.]
Thank you. That's a debt increase of 188 million against a 22 billion dollar
deficit.
[reads note] Oh, this is good news.

WOMAN
[to the President] You knew those numbers in your head?

LEO
The President's startlingly freakish that way.

BARTLET
[to Leo] Zoey's coming for dinner.

LEO
She's in town!

BARTLET
Yeah. [to everyone in room] My daughter's starting Georgetown after the
first and
she's scouting off-campus housing. Guys, we're done. I'm sorry, but some of
my staff
has been waiting and they haven't had the chance to bother me for a couple
of hours.
Thanks so much.

Bartlet and Leo come out of the ROOSEVELT ROOM.

BARTLET
I'm gonna make chili!

LEO
Yeah.

BARTLET
I'll make it for everybody. Charlie!

LEO
Sir...

BARTLET
My friends, my daughter, my beer, and some chili. Yes!

LEO
And you're gonna be the one to, you know, cook this food?

They enter THE OVAL OFFICE. Charlie comes from behind them.

CHARLIE
Yes, sir?

BARTLET
Ah, Charlie. My youngest daughter, Zoey, is down from Hanover. I'm making
chili
tonight. It's her favorite.

CHARLIE
Uh, sir, you know the first lady does not want you to eat...

BARTLET
The first lady's in Pakistan. I can eat whatever I want.

CHARLIE
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
I'm gonna need some ingredients.

CHARLIE
Like what?

LEO
Well, he'll need some chili.

BARTLET
Don't ever listen to him. Look, Mrs. Landingham's got it all written down
somewhere.
Just tell her to give it to the steward's office. And send everyone else in.

CHARLIE
Yes, sir. [walks off]

BARTLET
Thank you, Charlie!

LEO
How could you possibly remember that ten years ago there was a 188 million
dollar
debt increase off a 22 billion dollar deficit?

BARTLET
[hand in chest] God, I was right?

LEO
Ah, see, that's what I thought.

Bartlet laughs and LEO smiles. The senior staff walk in.

BARTLET
Everyone! Come in. Come on in. Hey, listen up everybody. Zoey's down from
Hanover.
I'm making chili for everyone tonight.

SENIOR STAFF
[very weak and uninterested] Great. Okay. Chili.

BARTLET
[looks at Leo then to his staff] All right...You know what? Let's do
this. Everybody
look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet.

They all look down at the Presidential Seal on the carpet in the middle of
the room.

BARTLET
Now, everybody look back up at me. Zoey's coming down from Hanover and I'm
making
chili for everyone tonight.

SENIOR STAFF
[loud and very excited] That's great! I love chili! Terrific!

BARTLET
There, you see how benevolent I can be, when everyone does what I tell them
to do.
Now sit down. [picks up a newspaper and reads. Everyone else sits down.]

LEO
I would like this meeting to last no more than three minutes. I will allow
it to
last no more than five. Speak, Mandy.

MANDY
We're going to California in a few weeks.

LEO
Yes.

MANDY
Larry Posner would like to host a fundraiser.

TOBY
Nope.

MANDY
Why?

TOBY
'Cause 24 hours earlier the President's gonna give a speech to the
entertainment
industry on violence in film and television.

SAM
A speech I don't think we should be giving.

TOBY
That's beside the point.

MANDY
What's the point?

TOBY
Larry Posner's movies are incredibly violent.

SAM
So is The Godfather. What you mean to say is Larry Posner's movies are
incredibly bad.

TOBY
No, actually, what I mean to say is Larry Posner's movies are indicative of a
Hollywood that is excessibly violent, arrogantly violent, and is promoting
violence
and the disrespect to human life. Either way, I don't see how we can admonish
Hollywood on a Tuesday and cash their check on a Wednesday. How can we do
that?

BARTLET
[still reading] Cause it's Hollywood. Who gives a damn?

TOBY
Now, hang on a second, Mr. President, you have me drafting a speech for the
entertainment industry, where we more than suggest to come right out and
say that
much of their product is corruptive. Now are we doing this because we believe
that
it's time for them to take moral leadership seriously or are we doing it
because
nobody ever lost an election attacking Hollywood?

BARTLET
Why can't we do both?

TOBY
[sighs] That's not hypocritical, sir?

BARTLET
No.

TOBY
Why not?

BARTLET
Because Sam is right. It's not that Larry Posner's movies have gratuitous
sex and
gratuitous violence. It's that they suck. They're terrible. But people go
to see them
because they have gratuitous sex and gratuitous violence. Now, if we could
just get
people to stop going to see crappy movies, Posner would stop making them. I
promise you.

TOBY
How's that strategy working for us in the war on drugs, sir?

LEO
Toby...

TOBY
We are going to go out there and implore these people to step up to the
plate and not
be quite so casual with the awesome influence that they have. That's
fantastic. But,
sir, every time someone makes headlines by blowing thunder at this ridiculous
target,
it only serves as a criminal distraction in the pursuit of actual
solutions. Now, let
me just say one other thing. If I were an actor, a writer, or a director,
or a producer
in Hollywood and someone would start coming at me with a list of things that
were
American and un-American, I'd start to think that this was sounding eerily
familiar.

BARTLET
[stares at Toby] Do I look like Joe McCarthy to you, Toby?

TOBY
No sir. Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get in the door
in the
first place.

C.J.
We seem to have wandered off the point a bit.

LEO
Yeah. And time's up.

Everyone stands up and walks out the door. Toby touches his head in
frustration.

C.J.
Thank you, Mr. President.

BARTLET
Chili, tonight!

JOSH
Yes, sir.

MANDY
Thank you.

Out in the HALLWAY, Sam and Josh walk out of the Oval Office. Sam looks at
Josh
and notices something.

SAM
You okay?

JOSH
Yeah.

SAM
'Cause you look a little...you know...

JOSH
No. No.

SAM
Cathy?

CATHY
[walks up with mouth full] You know that doughnut sitting on your desk?

SAM
You ate it.

CATHY
That was predictable, wasn't it?

They enter the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE. Sam whispers something to Cathy.

SAM
Hey, is there any word yet on the...

CATHY
The thing's still out there.

SAM
[to Josh] Had a guy on my office today. He'd like us to spend a little more
time
working on UFOs.

JOSH walks into SAM'S OFFICE. Sam follows.

JOSH
Are we spending any time working on UFOs?

SAM
That's what I said.

JOSH
'Cause coming on the heels of Mrs. Bartlet's Ouija board...

SAM
I hear you.

JOSH
I'm closing the door. [looks out and closes the door]

SAM
The Central Pacific Command's been picking this thing up on radar all day.

JOSH
Sam?

SAM
Right.

JOSH
Listen, you're close with Cathy, right?

SAM
I haven't seen her naked, if that's what you're asking.

JOSH
[surprised] No, Sam. Well, that's not what I'm asking.

SAM
I mean, she's like my younger sister, but she gets paid, and...

JOSH
Right.

SAM
And she frightens me.

JOSH
Yes.

SAM
But I love her.

JOSH
Yeah.

SAM
It's like you and Donna.

JOSH
Right. [beat] When they gave you a card and they told you... that it was
just you
and not Cathy, how did you... how'd you feel about that?

SAM
When they gave me what card?

JOSH
The N.S.C. guy... the card with the directions.

SAM
The directions to...

JOSH
You, C.J., Toby. I'm saying when the N.S.C. guy gave you your cards.

A long pause.

SAM
Josh... What card?

JOSH
[very surprised] Nothing... I-I-I was thinking of a
different... nothing. Nothing.
[opens the door and walks away]

FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY
A white screen is set for an overhead projector. A woman sitting at the
middle of
the room controls it. Two men on each side of the screen, starts to talk to
C.J.,
who is sitting at the other end of the table.

MAN 1
C.J., we'd like to tell you the story of Pluie.

C.J.
Who's Pluie?

MAN 1
I'm glad you asked.

From the projector, a wolf is shown in the screen. C.J.'s face changes.

C.J.
That's Pluie.

MAN 1
Yes.

C.J.
Pluie's a wolf?

MAN 1
Yeah, she is.

C.J.
And you're gonna tell me her story? [smiles]

MAN 1
Jerry?

MAN 2
For four years, scientists have tracked Pluie as she made her way from Banff
National Park in Alberta up and down the Rockies. In that time, she's made
three
round trips between Canada and Wyoming covering 40,000 square miles.

MAN 1
We thing you'll admit it was a pretty impressive performance for Pluie
especially
when you consider the impediments of modern life she had to conquer:
highways,
housing, forest denuded of trees.

WOMAN
Not to mention the US-Canadian border.

C.J.
Sure, 'cause no photo I.D. [laughs]

WOMAN
I'm sorry?

C.J.
That was a joke.

MAN 1
Why does Pluie make the trek? Because wolves have to breed with many packs
in order
to keep from becoming extinct.

C.J.
Really?

MAN 1
If they breed among themselves, they'll eventually produce offspring that's
genetically weaker, thus endangering their long-term survival.

C.J.
That helps explain Buckingham Palace. [laughs]

MAN 2
May we tell you what we propose?

C.J.
Sure.

MAN
The wolves-only roadway.

C.J.
[surprised] The wolves-only roadway?

MAN
Eighteen hundred miles from Yellowstone to the Yukon Territory complete with
highway overpasses and no cattle grazing.

C.J.
[still surprised] An 1800-mile wolves-only roadway?

WOMAN
Pluie, you'll recall, had to...

C.J.
Hang on. How are you gonna teach wolves to follow road signs?

MAN 2
Our scientists are working on a plan.

C.J.
Yeah, but in the meantime, Pluie's gonna get drunk and wander off the
wolves-only
road and end up eating my cat.

MAN 1
[scoffs] We don't think that'll happen.

C.J.
I don't think this is gonna happen. [indicating the roadway]

JERRY
Perhaps, if we should...

C.J.
First of all, ranchers don't want wolves returned to the West.

MAN
Ranchers are killers.

C.J.
No, they're not. And anyone who says it should take it back. Ranchers face
the
following conditions: falling stock prices, rising taxes, prolonged drought,
and
a country that's eating less beef. Ranchers want to blame something, and
because
they're ranchers, they want to fight something. I'd rather be a wolf than us,
so
unless Pluie registers to vote...

WOMAN
Pluie was shot and killed by a rancher in British Columbia last month.

The two men and the woman bow down their heads.

C.J.
I'm... sorry to hear that.

WOMAN
I'm not sure you are.

C.J.
[throat clearing] Just out of curiosity, how much would it cost?

MAN
That's the beauty part. With contributions and corporate sponsorship, the
cost of
the taxpayer is only 900 million dollars.

C.J.
[laughs very hard] No, seriously, how much would it cost?

JERRY
C.J., if we're gonna do this, why not do it right?

C.J.
We're not gonna do it.

MAN
Sure, there are other things we could spend the money on.

C.J.
You think?

WOMAN
I'd like to hear what you think. What's a better way to spend this money?

C.J.
Nine hundred million dollars?

WOMAN
Another war plane, another S&L Bailout?

C.J.
How about we build the nine best schools in the world?

MAN
Let's... Let's move on to the grizzly bear.

C.J. looks as a grizzly bear appears on the screen.

CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Mandy knocks at Toby's door. Toby, seated at his couch, looks at her and
looks back
at the papers he's reading.

MANDY
Hi. [leans at door]

TOBY
Hi.

MANDY
Can I talk to you?

TOBY
What'd you get him, a spot on Hollywood Squares?

MANDY
Posner's a huge supporter, Toby. I don't have to tell you that.

TOBY
No, you don't.

MANDY
I came in here to be nice to you, Toby.

TOBY
Go ahead.

MANDY
I don't like going up against you.

TOBY
I don't like going up against you.

MANDY
Okay.

TOBY
That's you being nice?

MANDY
[steps in] I'm glad David Rosen passed on the Communications job. They
couldn't have
done better than you.

TOBY
[surprised] Excuse me?

MANDY
I'm saying you make a better Communications Director than David Rosen ever
would've
been. That's me being nice.

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY
An agitated Toby is walking with C.J.

TOBY
Remember a month ago when I asked you if I was the President's first choice?

C.J.
We're back to this?

TOBY
And you called me paranoid?

C.J.
Yes.

TOBY
And a nudnik. You called me a paranoid nudnik.

C.J.
Toby, for the 48th time, you are not the President's second choice.

TOBY
What about David Rosen?

C.J.
What about David Rosen?

TOBY
Mandy was just in my office, and she said she was happy David Rosen passed
on my job.

C.J.
Carol, we're gonna start in a few minutes.

CAROL
[walks by] Should I bring them in?

C.J.
Give 'em fair warning.

TOBY
David Rosen.

C.J.
I don't... Toby, I know nothing about David Rosen, and I don't know where
this is
coming from.

TOBY
He's about to have a press conference. Let me talk to him about the gun
thing.
We'll just leave Hollywood for some other time.

C.J.
Since when do you need help talking to the President?

TOBY
Since all of a sudden I became the kid in the class with his hand raised
that nobody
wants the teacher to call on.

C.J.
That's silly.

TOBY
No, it is not.

C.J.
Toby...

TOBY
Just help me, please.

CUT TO: EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - DAY
A shot of an office building somewhere in the city.

CUT TO: INT. AN APARTMENT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Josh is standing in the middle of the room. Bright light from outside the
window
surrounds him. We see that he's talking to his psychiatrist, who we'll know
later
as STANLEY.

JOSH
So, like I said, I appreciate you squeezing me in like this.

STANLEY
I was able to cancel someone when you called.

JOSH
You shouldn't have Stan. It's not a big deal.

STANLEY
What's not a big deal?

JOSH
Uh, I'm out of practice.

STANLEY
Well, that's what comes from not coming to see me for ten months.

JOSH
Well, I think the idea will make some people I work for nervous. [sits]

STANLEY
Why are you here now?

JOSH
Hmm. This is gonna sound silly. [beat] There's a magazine article... a
magazine
article came out... and it said that several countries, some of them are
enemies,
have stored in freezers the smallpox virus.

STANLEY
Are you afraid you might have smallpox?

JOSH
No...Don't laugh. [beat] I can't get 'Ave Maria' out of my head.

STANLEY
The Schubert?

JOSH
Yeah, I swear it. I've been humming it to myself all morning. It's the
strangest
thing... Why do you think the 'Ave Maria?'

STANLEY
Why do you think the 'Ave Maria?'

JOSH
I don't know... My sister used to play it over and over in her room, but
that was,
I don't know how many years ago.

STANLEY
Your sister who died?

JOSH
Joanie.

STANLEY
Why did Joanie play the 'Ave Maria' in her room?

JOSH
She liked music... a lot. She liked it a lot. She wanted to be an orchestra
conductor.
She used to pretend she was conducting the music. Anyway, there's that. Plus,
I have
to tell you. I was a little thrown off this morning when they gave me this
card. And
it turns out that I was the only one who got one. I mean, of my friends. It
surprised
me... Joanie and Toby and C.J. and Sam.

STANLEY
Joanie?

JOSH
What?

STANLEY
You named Joanie in there. You said you got some kind of card and Joanie
didn't get one.

JOSH
I meant... No, 'cause we were just talking about Joanie.

STANLEY
What kind of card?

JOSH
It was uh... there really are some things I'm not allowed to talk about. I
assure
you, I'm not withholding anything I'm supposed to be emotionally available
for.

STANLEY
Okay.

JOSH
Thanks.

STANLEY
Can you talk about the card without talking about the card?

JOSH
I got to go. [stands up]

STANLEY
Josh?

JOSH
It's really not a big deal, Stanley. I'm sorry I had you cancel an
appointment.

STANLEY
But I did cancel. Why don't you take your coat off and sit down.

JOSH
It was an impulse. I wasted your time.

STANLEY
Josh, do you think it's strange that you've never told me how Joanie died?

JOSH
I've told you.

STANLEY
No, you haven't.

JOSH
Sure, I have.

STANLEY
No.

JOSH
It's not a big deal. [thinks it over, sits down] Uh, she was babysitting
for me,
and there was a fire.

STANLEY
How'd the fire start?

JOSH
I honestly... I don't remember... Something about a popcorn maker.

STANLEY
The house caught on fire?

JOSH
Yeah.

STANLEY
While your sister Joanie was babysitting for you?

JOSH
Yeah.

STANLEY
Why aren't you dead?

JOSH
I ran out of the house.

STANLEY
You were just a little boy, Josh. That's what you're supposed to do.

JOSH
[staring at nowhere] Yeah.

FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Schubert's 'Ave Maria' is playing in the boom box. Josh is sitting in his
chair,
thinking deeply. From outside, we hear C.J. knocking. Josh doesn't answer.
C.J., carrying a glass of wine, opens the door and walks in.

C.J.
Josh? I was knocking but you didn't answer.

JOSH
I didn't hear the door.

C.J.
What are you doing?

JOSH
I think I'm ready to brief the President on the smallpox article.

C.J.
Why don't you forget about that for tonight, and come have some
chili? Everyone's
there.

JOSH
C.J., an N.S.C. staffer gave me a card with instructions on it for what I'm
supposed
to do in the event of a nuclear attack. They want me up in the plane or down
on a
bunker. They don't want you... or Sam, or Toby, for that matter. I didn't
want to be
friends with you and have you not know.

C.J.
Josh, have you been upset about this?

JOSH
Yes.

C.J.
You're very sweet sometimes. You really are.

JOSH
C.J...

C.J.
Of course, they don't want me, Josh. I'm a press secretary. I don't think
they're
gonna be issuing a whole lot of releases. Sam and Toby are communications
and my
guess is that speech writing won't be a priority either. Come, have some fun.
[starts to go to the door]

JOSH
[points at the boom box] This is a beautiful piece of music. Do you know this?

C.J.
[turns back] I'm Catholic.

JOSH
Hang on. Listen. Listen. [goes to the boom box and slowly turns up the
volume.
A high voice in the choir sings and Josh is moved] There, right
there. It's...
miraculous. [beat] Schubert was crazy, you know.

C.J.
Yes.

JOSH
Do you think you have to be crazy to create something powerful?

C.J.
Josh, the cold war is over. There's not gonna be a nuclear...

JOSH
God, C.J. It's not gonna be like that. It's not gonna be the red phone and
nuclear
bombs.

C.J.
What's it gonna be?

JOSH
It's gonna be this. It's gonna be something like this. Smallpox has been
gone for
50 years. No one has an acquired immunity. Flies through the air. You get
it...
you carry a ten foot cloud around with you. One in three people die. If 100
people
in New York City got it, you'd have to encircle them with 100 million
vaccinated
people to contain it. Do you know how many doses of smallpox vaccines exist
in the
country? Seven. If 100 people in New York City get it, there's gonna be a
global
medical emergency that's gonna make HIV look like cold and flu season. That's
how
it's gonna be, a little test tube with a-a rubber cap that's deteriorating... A
guy
steps out of Times Square Station. Pshht... Smashes it on the sidewalk... There
is
a world war right there.

C.J.
We'll make more vaccine. [turns to the door]

JOSH
You better hurry 'cause I'm the only one with one of these cards.

C.J.
Come have chili. The President's asking for you.

JOSH
Yeah, I'll be right there in a minute.

C.J.
You really are very sweet sometimes. [exits]

Josh stares at the door.

CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE RESIDENCE - NIGHT
We follow C.J. as she walks by. White House staffers are having a good time
in a
reception while waiting for the chili. We stop at Bartlet having a conversation
about
basketball with Sam and Charlie.

BARTLET
Sam, it's all about mastering the fundamentals, see? Got to keep your hands
up,
your feet moving on defense. Pass and get open or find the open man, and
follow his
shot on offense. See, I am a master of fundamentals, and that is why my team
so
thoroughly dominated your team.

SAM
It probably didn't hurt so much to have a 2 time A.C.C. player of the week
on your team.

BARTLET
[walks away] Leo, kids don't understand the fundamentals.

LEO
No appreciation for the game, Mr. President.

BARTLET
Mrs. Landingham, are you drunk?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
[carrying a bottle of beer] No, sir. Now why would I...

BARTLET
I just like asking.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
You know, I should tell you...

BARTLET
Oh, give it up. Where's Zoey? [takes beer from Mrs. Landingham]

MRS. LANDINGHAM
[takes back her beer] She's in the kitchen.

On the OTHER ROOM, C.J. talks with Toby, Cathy, and Donna.

C.J.
Wolves don't kill people. That's a myth.

TOBY
Where along the way did she turn into a wolf person?

C.J.
More people get killed getting change out of vending machines than get killed
by
a wolf attack.

CATHY
Are you serious?

C.J.
Number of people killed last year retrieving change from a vending machine:
four.
Number of people killed by a wolf attack: zero.

TOBY
[sees the President in the other room] Excuse me. One second.

DONNA
How do people die from vending machines?

TOBY
[sits across Bartlet] So, I guess we haven't been getting along too well
lately.
Have we, sir?

BARTLET
No, I guess not.

TOBY
I've been... irritating you?

BARTLET
Yes.

TOBY
Was David Rosen your first choice for my job?

BARTLET
[looks away] Yes.

TOBY
Well, I'm glad we had this little talk, sir. I feel a lot better. Thank you,
sir.
[laughs]

BARTLET
We were up all night on that one, Toby. Me and Leo and Josh. They were
screaming
at me, 'Governor, for God's sakes, it's got to be Toby. It's got to be Toby.'
When
I held my ground, and we went to David Rosen, and Rosen said he wanted to
take a
partnership at Solomon Brothers, thank God... I couldn't live without you
Toby.
I mean it. I'd be in the tall grass. I'd be in the weeds... I know I disappoint
you
sometimes. I mean I can sense your disappointment. And I only get mad because
I know
you're right a lot of the times, but you are not the kid in the class with
his hand
up and whatever it was you said to C.J. You are a wise and brilliant man,
Toby...
The other night when we were playing basketball, did you mean what you
said? My
demons were shouting down the better angels in my brain?

TOBY
Yes, sir. I did.

BARTLET
You think that's what's stopping me from greatness?

TOBY
Yes.

BARTLET
I suppose you're right.

TOBY
Tell you what though, sir. In a battle between a President's demons and his
better
angels, for the first time in a long while, I think we might just have
ourselves a
fair fight.

BARTLET
Thank you, Toby. [beat] Now, go away.

CUT TO: INT. RESIDENCE KITCHEN - NIGHT
The President's youngest daughter, ZOEY BARTLET, is cooking chili in a big
casserole.
Behind her, Josh looks at the door window and sneaks in. Zoey, not taking
a look,
smiles as she realizes that Josh came in. From behind, Josh tries to surprise
her.

JOSH
Drop the spoon!

ZOEY
I knew it was you.

JOSH
You look good!

ZOEY
And, you look like death in a triscuit.

JOSH
Oh, thanks very much. I'm seeing a new barber.

ZOEY
I heard you've been having a little nutty today.

JOSH
Mind your own business. [beat] What classes are you taking?

ZOEY
Mind your own business.

JOSH
Okay.

CHARLIE
[enters] Excuse me.

JOSH
Charlie, you met Zoey Bartlet?

CHARLIE
No, it's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am. I'm Charlie Young.

ZOEY
Hi.

JOSH
Okay, hang on a second. Let's take it back a moment and give it another
chance.
This is a girl, Charlie. You don't have to call her 'ma'am.'

CHARLIE
I beg your pardon. Did I call you...

ZOEY
Zoey.

CHARLIE
I should call you Zoey?

ZOEY
[smiles] If I can call you Charlie.

CHARLIE
Yes... Um, I have a message for you from the President.

JOSH
That would be her father.

CHARLIE
You're forbidden from adding additional cumin to the chili.

ZOEY
Charlie, check the door to see if my father's nearby?

CHARLIE
Ma'am, I...

JOSH
Ah, ah, ah. [looks out the door]

CHARLIE
Zoey, I have certain instructions, and I don't want to get in trouble...

JOSH
You're fine.

ZOEY
Taste this. [offers Charlie a taste] Doesn't it need cumin?

CHARLIE
It needs oregano.

ZOEY
Well, let's get to work.

JOSH
See, you guys. [exits]

CUT TO: INT. RESIDENCE - NIGHT
We see C.J. still talking about wolves and vending machines, this time with
Leo and
the President.

C.J.
I don't know. I mean, maybe the vending machines fall on them while they're
getting
their change.

Bartlet and Leo laugh.

C.J. [cont.]
My point is, can't we build schools and protect wildlife at the same time? We
must
be able to do that.

LEO
Pluie really got to you, huh?

C.J.
She really was very sweet, Leo.

Josh joins in the conversation as C.J. leaves.

BARTLET
Josh! We've been looking for you.

C.J.
[to Leo] I'll be over here.

BARTLET
Look at this, will you?

JOSH
At what sir?

BARTLET
I don't know why, but nothing makes me feel quite so good as the sight of
colleagues,
enjoying each other outside work.

JOSH
So, what were you guys talking about?

BARTLET
We were talking about these women.

JOSH
Yeah?

LEO
We can't get over these women.

BARTLET
Look at C.J.

We see a glimpse of C.J. laughing and talking to Sam and Donna, while holding
a
Polaroid.

BARTLET [cont.]
She's like a fifties movie star, so capable, so loving and energetic.

LEO
Look at Mandy over there.

Mandy, on the other side of the room is fighting with Toby about something.

LEO [cont.]
Going punch for punch with Toby in a world that tells women to sit down and
shut up.
Mandy's already won her battle with the President. The game's over, but
she's not
done. She wants Toby.

BARTLET
Mrs. Landingham.

Mrs. Landingham is having fun while talking to some staffers.

BARTLET [cont.]
Did you guys know she lost two sons in Vietnam? What would make her want to
serve her
country is beyond me, but in 14 years, she's not missed a day's work, not
one. [beat]
There's Cathy, Donna, and Margaret.

JOSH
Mr. President, there's something that's been bothering me for most of the day,
and
while I know that this is an inappropriate time...

LEO
No, what's on your mind, Josh?

JOSH
I serve at the pleasure of the President, and it's a great privilege that
I will
never forget. [takes out the card from his wallet, a card that has bothered
him for
the whole day. He shows it to Leo and the President.] I can't keep this. I
think
it's a white flag of surrender. I want to be a comfort to my friends in
tragedy.
And I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the
times in
between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye. Leo, it's not for
me. I
want to be with my friends, my family, and these women.

Bartlet pats Josh on the back. From the other side, we see Zoey and Charlie
come
in the room. Charlie signals the President that the chili is done. Bartlet
starts
to silence the room.

BARTLET
Uh, excuse me! Thank you. Uh, friends, please... Well, chili's ready and I
hope
you all enjoy it. In fact, since I told you you would enjoy it, I'm
reasonably
certain that you will.

Laughter.

BARTLET [cont.]
You know, of course, the first lady's in Pakistan. [starts to walk around
the room]
I'm not entirely sure why, but I have learned it's a pretty good idea not
to ask my
wife too many questions as it seldom leads to anything but further confusion. I
miss
her very much, but I'm delighted our beautiful daughter, Zoey is here. You
know,
she's starting Georgetown in the spring.

Everyone claps their hand for Zoey.

BARTLET [cont.]
This, prior to medical school and a life of celibacy.

JOSH
Yeah, right!

BARTLET
It's an incredible adventure you're starting on, sweetheart. An amazing four
years
full of people and experiences you haven't yet dreamed of. And if you will
allow me
just one minute of business, please. I hope that by the time we're done with
our
four years here, we'll have seen to it that every young person who chooses
can go
to college and beyond, regardless of their economic status.

Applause.

BARTLET [cont.]
I understand that today was another one of Leo's 'big block of cheese' days!
You all start out so cynical, but it never fails. By the end of the day,
there's
always one or two converts, right? And today was no exception. C.J. Cregg
is gonna
be up all night writing a position paper for the interior department on the
necessity of wildlife protection. [C.J. laughs.] C.J., I don't mind the cost
of
this wolves-only highway. It's the segregation. The ACLU is gonna file a
petition
on behalf of some reindeer and then we're all screwed.

Everyone laughs.

BARTLET [cont.]
Sam Seaborn had a guy who spotted a UFO today, am I right? Sam laughed him
out of
his office, but you've been thinking about it ever since. But you can rest
assured,
Sam. It was not a spaceship from another planet, just another time. A long
since
abandoned Soviet satellite, one of its booster rockets didn't fire and it
couldn't
escape the earth's orbit--a sad reminder of a time when two powerful nations
challenged each other and then boldly raced into outer space. [beat]
What will be the next thing that challenges us, Toby? [looks at Toby] That
makes
us work harder and go farther? You know, when smallpox was eradicated, it was
considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this
century. Surely,
we can do it again. As we did in the time when our eyes looked towards the
heavens,
and with outstretched fingers, we touched the face of God. [beat] Here's to
absent
friends, and the ones that are here now. [holds up his glass of wine]

STAFF
Cheers!

Everyone in the room hold up their glasses in unison.

DISSOLVE TO: END CREDITS.
FADE TO BLACK.

THE END
* * *

The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John
Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement
is intended.

Episode 1.5 -- 'The Crackpots and These Women'
Original Airdate: October 20, 1999, 9:00 EST

Transcript by: giorgio
July 2, 2000

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