The President’s (Martin Sheen) team reacts to the ongoing inquiry into its pre-meditated Qumari assassination by lawyering up as they gingerly approach Leo’s (John Spencer) lawyer (Joanna Gleason) while a key judicial ruling on presidential third-party candiates throws a monkeywrench into the campaign. Elsewhere, in the fallout, Josh (Bradley Whitford) is upset with his girlfriend Amy’s (Mary-Louise Parker) decision to accept a particular job interview; Sam (Rob Lowe), Toby (Richard Schiff) and Josh hatch a radical new idea to pay for college education; and the approval process of executive secretary-to-be Deborah Fiderer (Lily Tomlin) hits a snag when new evidence is uncovered.
THE WEST WING "COLLEGE KIDS" TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN STORY BY: DEBORA CAHN AND MARK GOFFMAN DIRECTED BY: ALEX GRAVES TEASER FADE IN: INT. THE SITUATION ROOM - DAY BARTLET Nancy's in her office. There are some calls I asked her to make. LEO I've told the President about the parachute. FITZWALLACE Tommy, do they even make parachutes in Israel? They're saying it's an Israeli-made parachute. TOMMY They make 'em. They're good ones. BARTLET Listen, I know we're here for a serious purpose, for a sober purpose, but I wanted to say I've never been a part of a street gang before, and that's basically what we are -- a pretty well-financed one -- but anyway, I wanted to say it feels good, and I think when we're done with this meeting, I think we should go out and get girls, and I don't know, maybe knock over a fruit stand or something. LEO Okay. BARTLET We're going to need to learn to sing and dance. LEO The information is basically coming from the NSC operations unit. MAN A cell phone intercept between the Sultan and Habib. "The Butcher of Kafr will have no choice but to resign." TOMMY And we're sure he's talking about Israel? MAN "The Butcher of Kafr will have no choice but to resign." LEO Well, the B-movie dialogue aside... BARTLET Toby and Josh are back. Toby Ziegler and Josh Lyman missed the motorcade in Indiana yesterday. It's taken them 20 hours to get home. They're walking into DC right now. LEO Doesn't matter. Let's assume the Sultan goes to Al Jazeera and announces that Shareef's plane didn't go down accidentally-- that it was brought down by the Israelis. What are the options we've come up with so far? MAN Do nothing. TOMMY Which we can't do. MAN Call Qumar's bluff. Demand they produce proof. FITZWALLACE We can't call there bluff. MAN Why? FITZWALLACE 'Cause they're calling our bluff. When they produce manufactured proof, we'd have to say, "You manufactured that." And they'd say, "How do you know?" So, the next option is we defend Israel. BARTLET You're not curious why they're walking into DC? LEO No. TOMMY What happens if Hezbollah launches a missile at Israel? FITZWALLACE Israel attacks... BARTLET Walking into DC from where I guess you got to ask. LEO You want to hunker down? BARTLET Okay, just for that, when it comes time to give out gang nicknames, you're going to be... I don't know, but you're not going to have a good nickname. LEO Okay. BARTLET Ellie had a teacher named Mr. Pordy, who had no interest in nuance. He asked the class why there's always been conflict in the Middle East and Ellie raised her hand and said, "It's a centuries old religious conflict involving land and suspicions and culture and..." "Wrong." Mr. Pordy said, "It's because it's incredible hot and there's no water." (to Leo) I'm hunkered down. I'm going to East Lansing. We're going to need a lawyer. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY 6:45 A.M. OVER HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA C.J. There are some 120 news outlets covering the hour-to-hour movements of the President. Only the cream of the crop ride here with me. The rest are consigned to the zoo plane where they do not have moist towelettes. This is why I'm so disappointed that with the exceptions of Terry, Mike, Mark and Rachel, you all misspelled Muhzriabolah. REPORTER I'm on television. C.J. It was misspelled in your copy. I could tell. REPORTER Speaking of copy-- is there an advance on the speech to the teachers? C.J. An advance copy of text? You must be new. REPORTER Can you tell us what he's going to say about the pipe bombing? C.J. He's obviously going to talk about it, but I don't know what he's going to say. There's a filing center behind the press riser. You'll have 50 minutes to file while the President meets wit the Executive Board. REPORTER Open to the pool? C.J. Pool photos, that's it. KATIE Has he spoken to the University President? C.J. He's spoken to Chancellor Bayless twice now, and the President's accepted an invitation to speak at the memorial service on the KSU campus this Saturday. MARK Anything new from the FBI? C.J. Well, I'm still referring those questions to Zane Littleton at the FBI. But I do want to underline their initial finding that it doesn't appear to have been an act of foreign terrorism. STEVE And that's based on...? C.J. The nature of the explosive. Okay, then. The flight to Battle Creek Air National Guard Base is an hour and 45 minutes. It will be a 45 minute ride to Michigan State where the President will address the delegates from the NEA for approximately 25 minutes. STEVE I noticed Josh and Toby aren't on the plane. Are they still at a gas station in Unionville? C.J. No, they made it home and their mother are very relieved. They've been given a 4 hour vacation. Anything else? M-U-H-Z-I-R-I-A-B-O-L-A-H. C.J. walks out and heads down the plane when Bruno runs into her. BRUNO He might get asked about Title IX. C.J. Why? BRUNO Ritchie mentioned yesterday it was worth reexamining so they'll ask him for a reaction. You may want to talk to Josh for first-thoughts. C.J. What are yours? BRUNO On Title IX? C.J. Yeah. BRUNO I have none. I'm indifferent. C.J. You can't be indifferent. BRUNO I have to be. I have only so much RAM in my head. I have to prioritize. I have to throw some things overboard, so, I've chosen, for instance, not to care whether or not Purdue has a fencing team. Bruno walks up to Sam who is standing together with Debbie. BRUNO Sam. SAM Bruno. This is Debbie Fiderer, the Presidents new Exec. This is Bruno Gianelli General Chairman, Committee to Re-Elect. DEBBIE Hello. BRUNO Hi. [to Sam, as Debbie gives him a look] The DC District Court is ruling today on a debate case. Do you know anything about it? SAM Yeah, I think it's Sullivan v. Commission on Presidential Debates ABC, CBS, NBC News et al. BRUNO This is the third party rule? 15%? SAM Happens every four years. BRUNO All right. SAM There are like 500 citizens lawsuits trying to get there guy in the debate. It never goes anywhere. BRUNO All right. [to Debbie] Fiderer's a funny name. It's not ha-ha funny, it's just, you know... Okay. [walks away] SAM Sullivan v. Commission on Presidential Debates. Stay on it. BRUNO Yeah. SAM It's a guy suing, so Stackhouse can be in the debate. DEBBIE I thought Stackhouse was suppose to end up endorsing the President? SAM He is. He will. DEBBIE Why would he be in the debate? SAM Presumably he's endorsing the President becasue he knew he wouldn't be. DEBBIE How bad would it be? SAM It'd be bad. Which is why, even if, for some reason he was allowed in the debate, he wouldn't do it. Stackhouse isn't trying to hurt the President. But let's get back to you. Josh Lyman's going to give you a security briefing and an ethics briefing. Charlie's going to tell you some things. You have provisional clearance right now pending the succesful completion of the SF-86 and GC-1 background check. DEBBIE What is it? SAM It's a questionaire. Extensive questions on your past, personal, professional, financial... pharmaceutical... DEBBIE No, I know the form. What is a GC-1? SAM They contact family members and friends and neighbors and former neighbors to corroborate. DEBBIE Well, this is fine but I've worked at the White House before. At my last job, the background check wasn't nearly as extensive... SAM You have a button on your phone, a crash button. DEBBIE Hmm? SAM You have a crash button which will bring the Secret Service in instantly and turn your office into a live microphone which will be broadcast all over the building. It's the button you push if someone's trying to take the Oval Office. This isn't your last job. C.J. comes out from the next room. C.J. Sam, we need you in here. SAM Excuse me. [joins them] C.J. Bruno thinks we dump the whole thing. BRUNO I think 44 people are dead and we can't give a speech on eduction. SAM I'm concerned that it's going to look opportunistic if we talk about Iowa at a campaign event. Plus, we're using the teachers like props. C.J. He's got to mention it, though. SAM Yeah, he can't not mention it. BRUNO There are dead children and then you segue to what? SAM I don't know. BRUNO I don't know either. SAM What are your feelings, sir? BARTLET I don't know. It's a seven-ten split. Can you work on it a while? SAM Yes, sir. BARTLET I'm going to call Leo. I'll be in my office. CUT TO: INT. NORTHWEST LOBBY - DAY LEO Let her on in Becky. JORDAN Good morning. LEO Hello. You look sensational in your Gabriella Something thing there. JORDAN Thank you. LEO "Cloak and dagger." JORDAN Look... LEO "Cloak and dagger." JORDAN It was one sentence in a two-page note. LEO And you sent me a note. JORDAN I was asked here on business which I usually conduct at my office. LEO I was going to come there but then I thought, between the lobby, the elevator, the reception area, the paralegal's area, the associate's area and the coffee room of a Washingtion DC law firm, there was an outside chance that somebody might recognize the White house Chief of Staff. JORDAN All I meant by cloak and dagger is that I'm not cut out for the security meetings and the secret this and the back channel ambassadors. It's like your in the Mafia. LEO Well, it may be like I'm in the Mafia, but I'm not. I work for the good guys. JORDAN It was one sentence. The problem was, you were never at the other end of the phone. LEO That's an entirely different kettle of beans and we can have that discussion but history's shown that if you just wait and tell it to a divorce lawyer, you can have half my stuff. JORDAN I don't want half your stuff. LEO You don't know-- some of it's good stuff. JORDAN Where are we going? LEO Someplace quiet so we can talk. JORDAN The White House Situation Room. LEO We just call it that. JORDAN Am I even allowed to be in here? Look at this stuff. LEO It's a map of North America. What are you worried about? Hey, where are you from? JORDAN I'm from Lincoln, Nebraska. LEO Hey, Lieutenant, can you throw an Opal Drill up on the wall? Lincoln, Nebraska. JORDAN What's it doing? LEO It's showing a first strike nuclear attack from Beijing and North Korea. Hey, look at that. Lincoln survives the first of... No, not so much. JORDAN Leo... LEO What? First of all, we have to go beyond the normal attorney/client privilege. This is sensitive. JORDAN There are no degrees of attorney/client privilege. I don't care if it's sensitive. LEO No, I'm talking State secrets with hightest security classification. If you told anyone, you'd be convicted of treason and sent to prison, probably for life. JORDAN No, I wouldn't. LEO No you wouldn't. It's nothing like treason. But if you told anyone, it'd be bad. JORDAN What? LEO Do you remember last May, that a private plan carrying Qumari Defense Minister Abdul Shareef went down near Bermuda and that all the passengers, including Shareef, were dead? JORDAN No. LEO No? JORDAN No. LEO Okay, well, it happened. Qumar has been investigating the accident because they believe there was foul play. And we believe, in fact we know, they're trying to frame Israel. They're producing phony evidence. JORDAN How do you know? LEO I'm sorry. JORDAN You said "we know." How do you know? LEO Because we do. JORDAN Why isn't it possible for Israel...? LEO Jordon. We know any evidence of assassination is manufactured. JORDAN How? LEO 'Cause we destroyed all the evidence. WOMAN Mr. McGarry, I have the President on your line. LEO Yes, sir. CUT TO: Bartlet is walking down with an escort to deliver a speech. BARTLET [on phone] How's it going? LEO Fine. BARTLET Is she there? LEO Yeah. What do yo know? BARTLET Casper's here, he's going to talk to me. I'll send him to you next, all right? LEO Thank you. What are you about to say? BARTLET I don't know. I still have about two minutes. LEO Okay. BARTLET "The bullying nature of the intrusive and invasive government of the United States has to be rendered quickly and decisively a wake-up call. And this opportunity..." What do you think of this letter? MIKE CASPER He's not Tom Paine. BARTLET No. CASPER It's rhetoric common to seperatist. There telling us that english is his first language but that he's not very well educated. BARTLET Is it credible? CASPER Yes, sir. BARTLET You guys think it was sent by the bomber? CASPER Or his group. BARTLET We think there's a group. CASPER We don't know. Now, you've been told, sir... BARTLET The end of the letter promises more. CASPER Yes, sir. In the next 48 hours. Obviously, we expected that. it's what they always say. BARTLET Unless what? That's where I'm confused. CASPER He didn't make any demands, sir. This letter isn't a threat. It's an announcement. Sam and Bruno join them and walk down. BARTLET All right, what do you have? BRUNO "We will catch the perpetrators. We will track him down, we will punish..." Along those lines. It's too early for Rocky, right? BARTLET Yes, plus once we catch a perpetrator, you don't need to track him down. SAM I told you, he likes the rhythm. BRUNO It's his line. SAM It's a dummy phrase. It's a placeholder. BARTLET I think I'm just going to talk for a little bit. SAM "Joy cometh in the morning," sir. BARTLET Thank you. ANNOUNCER (vo) Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States. Bartlet enters the BALLROOM and steps up to the podium. BARTLET Thank you very much. Thank you. "Joy cometh in the morning," scripture tells us. I hope so. I don't know if life would be worth living if it didn't. And I don't yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison State. I don't know if it's one person or ten, and I don't know what they want. All I know for sure, all I know for certain, is that they weren't born wanting to do this. There's evil in the world. There'll always be, and we can't do anything about that. But there's violence in our schools, too much mayhem in our culture and we can do something about that. There's not enough character, discipline, and depth in our classrooms. There aren't enough teachers in our classrooms. [applause] There isn't nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms, and we can do something about that. We're not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well. And we can do better, and we must do better, and we will do better. And we will start this moment today! They weren't born wanting to do this. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. THE SITUATION ROOM - DAY 11:45 A.M. LEO I've been thinking a lot about an egg salad sandwich on a Keiser roll. If it's Milos making the potato salad, then potato salad. If not, then a potato in any other form will be fine. JORDAN Why did you tell me that? LEO I didn't. I was talking to Margaret. JORDAN I know that. MARGARET [on speakerphone] She knows that, sir, she meant... LEO [hangs up quickly] He's got a secret ingredient that he puts in the potato salad that makes you crave it beyond resonable for something like that. I'm like two, three forkfuls away from te final piece of the puzzle and then this monkey's off my back. JORDAN Why, you know, in the world did you tell me what you just did? LEO I was order to this morning by the President. JORDAN He told you to talk to me? LEO He told me to make contact with a lawyer. Commander, Jordan Kendall, please. Jordan's file appears on the screen. LEO First of all, that's a nice picture of you. Sometimes, these pictures aren't that nice. Look at that smile. You could light up Chicago. JORDAN You just have this at the push of a button? LEO No. But you give these guys some notice, they can put on a show. Second page, please. Maxwell School of Diplomacy and Internaional Relations. Associate Counsel U.S. Delegation to the United Nations. General Counsel, US Delegation to the United Nations. General Counsel for the United Nations. Which is when you found out you could buy stuff with money. Page three, please. Partner, Whitcomb, Wiley, Hawking, Harrison and Kendall. Was there a Burt Kendall at the firm? Maybe his portraits hanging in the partners' dining room. JORDAN No. LEO No, they're talking about you, right? JORDAN It wasn't my idea to add my name to the firm. They need to raise the profile of their international law department. LEO A specialty in internatinal law, you say? Interesting. Have you any experience dealing in matters that received wide media coverage? Let's take a trip to page four. JORDAN You have a good time doing this, right? LEO You don't even know. JORDAN Orlando Ruiz of the 101-mile-an-hour fastball and Cuban citizenship. Richard White of Lackland Chemical and wrongful death. JORDAN I do not have any experience with what you are talking about. LEO Hmm? JORDAN I don't have any experience with what you're talking about. LEO Nobody does. And we're talking about we killed Shareef. We put 14 bullets in his chest on an airstrip in Bermuda. It's helpful to start saying out aloud. MARGARET [on phone] I'm sorry, Leo. LEO Yeah? MARGARET I thought you might like to know that there's a message here from Harold Harrison saying that there's about to be a decision from the District Court, and it's not what you think. LEO Come down here and show Ms. Kendall out. Excuse me. CUT TO: INT. NORTHWEST LOBBY - DAY Toby comes into the bullpen and into JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA. TOBY Donna. Josh. Josh. JOSH Yes. I have to talk to you. TOBY I have to talk to you. JOSH Me first. TOBY Why's that? JOSH 'Cause it's important. TOBY Okay. JOSH Go ahead. TOBY No, you go. JOSH I'm perfcetly fine waiting. I have the patience of an adult. TOBY You have 20 seconds. JOSH It came to me in my sleep this morning 'cause whrn I got home the paper was already there. Page two of the business section in today's Post there's an article about Redstar and the $35 million retention bonus they gave to... I can't remember his name. TOBY Wadkins. JOSH So we all know that CEOs get bonuses that workers don't. But in the sixth graph, thay talk about Congress ending the deductibility of salaries over a million and that the measure excluded items that the IRS deemed to be incentive based. In other words, the bonuses are tax deductible. In other words, Wadkins gets $35 million for crashing the company and the company gets a deduction. Toby, college costs-- investment in the future workforce, in innovation, in the ideas economy, investment in crime reduction-- Isn't that a better idea then writing off the bonuses? The guy last night in the bar, Matt Kelley, the one who's taking his daughter to visit colleges. He said it needs to be just a little easier. Not a lot easier, a little. Toby, every nickel spent on college tuition should be 100% tax deductible. Not capped and indexed and bracketed. Every nickel. 100 percent. What? TOBY That's exactly what I was going to tell you. JOSH No, it wasn't. TOBY Exactly. JOSH You're saying that now just to make it seem... I'm going to make some time with Leo. TOBY And figure out a way to pay for it. JOSH Yeah. TOBY Good. JOSH Good. DONNA Hello. JOSH Hey. DONNA Did you sleep all right? JOSH I did, but then I read this thing... How you doing? DONNA Good. JOSH What's on for tonight? DONNA You'll have a meeting with the state party chair and you'll say energizing things to the staff. JOSH Are we in any danger at all of losing Massachusetts? DONNA No. JOSH Why am I doing this again? DONNA Because. JOSH I can't we just go straight to the event? DONNA No. JOSH Why? DONNA Because everybody's going to the campaign first and we just spent 20 hours trying to get out of Indiana. JOSH Who's at the event? DONNA Aimee Mann, the Barenaked Ladies, Chrissie Hynde, Sixpence None The Richer, Aaron Neville, Diamondback Whale, Daisy Chain, Next Big Thing, The Cruel Shoes, and Single-Cell Paramecium. JOSH You've just been practicing for when I asked the question, right? DONNA Yes. JOSH And you made up Cruel Shoes? DONNA No, Single-Cell Paramecium. JOSH Okay. The doors open and the rest of the senior staff walks in. Donna jumps and waves her hands in the air. DONNA The motorcade. We're here!!! JOSH Would you stop. DONNA We're here!!! JOSH You know, everybody's really over that now. C.J. Admiral Scott, your expedition's returned. JOSH All right. C.J. Let me take a look at you, Don Quixote de la Mancha. JOSH Don Quixote wasn't an explorer. C.J. No, but he rode around on a horse. You sleep? JOSH I did better then that. C.J. Well, keep it to yourself. I need you to weigh in on Ritchie and Title IX. JOSH Yeah, I saw that. I wrote a memo. C.J. Thank you. JOSH Toby and I are working on tuition, it would be... TOBY Josh. JOSH They're back. TOBY They are? JOSH Yeah. TOBY Are they being funny? BRUNO Barnum, Bailey and their sister Sue. JOSH They're almost over it. We want to talk to you about an issue that should be in play in the campaign right away. BRUNO You know that the District Court is ruling on Sullivan today? JOSH v. Commision on the Presidential Debates? BRUNO Yep. TOBY They're never going to rule for him. BRUNO Sullivan? TOBY Yeah. They're never going to rule for him. This suit gets brought all the time. BRUNO Ordinarily, I wouldn't be concerned but it's Justice Wingding who heard the case. JOSH Wengland? BRUNO Yeah. TOBY He's not so crazy? BRUNO Yeah? SAM Hey! JOSH We're back. We'r never leaving again. SAM Your mother and I were very worried. TOBY Me, too. BRUNO Fellows. JOSH Would you tell him he doesn't have to worry about the District Court? SAM I told him already. They're not going to rule for Sullivan. JOSH He's worried 'cause it's Wengland. SAM He's not that crazy. BRUNO I'll tell you I'm not that comfortable with a Federal Judge being even a little bit crazy. JOSH I'm going back to my office. BRUNO The speech to the teachers this morning? 24 years in professional politics, I have never seen anything like it. You would have been proud. We're going to win this election, you know? JOSH I do. TOBY Leo. LEO They ruled for Sullivan. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY 2:00 P.M. C.J. They ruled for Sullivan? BRUNO Yeah. C.J., when you guys vet your Judical candidates, do you go so far as to meet and speak with them? C.J. Can I see a copy of the decision? "The Commission, tax-exempt entity, is legally precluded from partisan politics of any kind. The 15% rule, benefiting the two major parties, is partisan politics of the worst kind --regulatory duopoly, democracy by favoristic fiat, a bureaucratic junta..." BRUNO Yes. C.J. "...that is clearly prohibited under federal law." TOBY There's no way "favoristic's" a word. SAM We all agree with you, Toby, we just don't think it's grounds for an appeal. JOSH It's not like we're going to have to search high and low for that. ED This means what I think it means, right? TOBY Yeah. SAM Yep. BRUNO No one can be excluded from the debate. JOSH You can be excluded but the bar is set much... BRUNO The Libertarian Party, Natural Law, Right to Life, Right to Left. C.J. The Republicans, we're going to probably have to let in. LEO The appeals process is going to take too long. They're going to have to go to the Supreme Court. Sam, they can stay the effect of the trial court in advance of appeal, right? SAM Yeah. LEO And you got to get Ritchie's people to join us in the motion. JOSH Oh, yeah. LEO All right. JOSH Sam? SAM Yeah. TOBY I had a thought before and Toby claims, at any rate, to have had that same thought. TOBY I showed you, like, DNA evidence of... JOSH When Congress put the million cap on deducting salary they left a loophole for incentive-based bonuses. SAM Yeah, are not all bonuses incentive based? Are there any bonuses you get just automatically? And isn't that called salary? Which is also incentive-based. By the way, I don't think there are a lot of people would go to work without one. TOBY Sam. SAM Come back to the pack? TOBY Yes. JOSH Why isn't college tuiton 100% tax deductible. SAM I don't know. Why do flammable and imflammable mean the same thing? TOBY We can cap it at $80,000? SAM You're really talking about this? TOBY Yes. SAM And you pay for it by closing the loophole for bonuses? JOSH Nobody's talked to the OMB, but I think it cost $50 billion. Closing the loophole is about $35 billion. Am I close? SAM Yeah. And the $15 billion's gettable through... JOSH Yeah. C.J. "Yosh"? JOSH She's talking to me, right? SAM Yeah. C.J. I'm reading your memo. JOSH Memo? C.J. The machismo manifesto. JOSH Title IX? C.J. Oh, yeah. JOSH Bruno asked me to weigh in. C.J. I can't imagined why he called on you. JOSH I was asked as a campaign issue if we should re-examine Title IX. Which is, by the way, a wedge with male voters in Ohio, Michigan and North Carolina. C.J. So are a lot of things. JOSH There's something fair but dumb about a 50-50 split when more men are interested in sports than women-- and don't cite the WNBA and soccer. More men are interested in sports than women. We don't need a study to tell us that. But if we did, there's about 493 of them. C.J. Are you going to talk to someone in Stackhouse's camp? JOSH About the Sullivan decision? C.J. You should probably just make sure. JOSH The Court's going to stay the judgement, even if they don't, Stackhouse will pass on the debate. He's not out to kill the President. He just wants to keep him honest. C.J. It might be nice if you make a courtesy call though, so we're not taking him for granted. JOSH I'll call Stackhouse. C.J. Since Title IX, women's participation in sports has increased 800%. That's not a typo-- it worked. JOSH Okay. CUT TO: INT. MURAL ROOM - DAY CHARLIE Hello. DEBBIE Yes. CHARLIE Okay, how's your day so far? DEBBIE Very exciting. CHARLIE You had your security briefing? DEBBIE Yes. CHARLIE I like to go through some of your answers on the SF-86, if that's all right? DEBBIE Sure. CHARLIE Three years ago you were asked "Have you ever been an officer or a member or made a contribution to an organization dedicated to the violent overthrow of the governemt?" You answered... "Yes". DEBBIE Yes. CHARLIE You answered yes. DEBBIE I see where you're going with this. CHARLIE Do you? DEBBIE I do. CHARLIE Because while we respect your right to overthrow the government, we don't respect your right to do it violently nor from inside the Oval Office. DEBBIE I worked in the Personal Office when I answered that and I did it to demonstrate a problem with the form. If the FBI want people to admit to extremist tendencies they've got to tailor a more subtle question than that. Like, "Have you ever participated in organizations that seek radical solutions to egregious social problems?" I've had some experience with this. CHARLIE So has the FBI. DEBBIE Is this going to screw me up? CHARLIE Not this probably as much as when you suggested killing the President. DEBBIE I did not. CHARLIE Yeah, you did. DEBBIE No, sir. CHARLIE "Let's stick some arsenic in President Bartlet's drinking water and see if he delegates the responsibility to the World Bank then." DEBBIE Oaky, um, where it says "arsenic", that shoud read "Shwepps Bitter Lemon." I don't know how that... CHARLIE Debbie! DEBBIE Come on, 35 million people in Bangladesh drinking contaminated water and the White House issued a statement saying they supported the World Bank's efforts to address the problem but made no move to intervene independently. I wrote a letter. CHARLIE FBI read it as a threat. DEBBIE It wasn't. Don't be ridiculous. CHARLIE I'm not being ridiculous, Debbie! I was, however, four feet away from him when the guns started firing. DEBBIE I know. I-I apologive. Who can I talk to? I want this job Charlie. I didn't before and I do now. Who can I talk to? CHARLIE Let me find out. BARTLET What else? C.J. It's making the rounds that Governor Ritchie called the Chancellor's office. BARTLET What's wrong with that? C.J. He's angling for an invitation to the memorial in Saturday. He wants to speak. BARTLET Oh, for the love of Mike. C.J. The Chancellor was with us in Iowa and the Ritchie people were quietly saying that allowing you to be National Healer in Chief... BARTLET Look, win or lose on the 5th, I'm the President right now, right? C.J. Um, yeah, I'm almost sure. BARTLET Six -- look, six of the girls were exactly Zoey's age. Tell the Chancellor's office that if it'll make his life easier, I'll sit in row 19 and you'll keep out the press. This has to be about the students and the families, and Ritchie and I are simply going to have to summon the humanity to keep this from being a political event. C.J. Yes, sir. FITZWALLACE Good afternoon, Mr. President. Claudia Jean. C.J. Sailor. LEO In the Oval Office, you're really going to... C.J. No. LEO Good. C.J. Thank you, Mr. President. BARTLET How did you do with Jordan? LEO She's a little wary, but I think she might be willing to go out with me again. BARTLET Yeah? LEO But you meant the other problem. BARTLET Yeah. LEO She's a little wary. BARTLET Yeah. LEO She's gone to her office and then she's gone home for the day and she's going to think. BARTLET All right. In the meantime, what do we do have by way of stalling tactics? LEO A misinformation campaign. BARTLET We ought to be good at that. FITZWALLACE Sir, State feels the Shareef was never comfortable with the Sultan's friendly relationship with the West. BARTLET State thinks he had a friendly relationship with the West. FITZWALLACE "The one-eyed man is king in a world of..." whatever. We leak that Shareef used his U.S. trip as an opportunity to fly to Libya. BARTLET Shareef is now alive and well and living in Libya? FITZWALLACE And planning to overthrow his brother, and install a fundamentalist regime. BARTLET All right. Come back and tell me how we do it. FITZWALLACE Yes, sir. BARTLET Blind men. "The one-eyed man is king in a world of blind men." FITZWALLACE Thank you, Mr. President. CHARLIE Special Agent Casper? BARTLET Yes, please. CASPER Good aftrnoon, Mr. President. BARTLET What do you know? CASPER We're ready to say the manuscript was credible. We ran a search using some more of the unique rhetoric or catchphrases and we found a match. A lot of it was lifted straight off the website of a separatist group called the Liberationist Cause, which is a splinter of the Patriot Brotherhood. BARTLET The internet has been a phenomenal tool for hate groups. CASPER Yes, sir. You should know that we're working on some good leads. LEO Good. BARTLET Don't pipe bombs usually kill two or three people? CASPER Yes, sir. BARTLET How is it so many yesterday? CASPER The bombs were set off indoors, sir. There was a huge fire. Anyting else, sir? BARTLET No. Thanks. CASPER Thank you, Mr. President. BARTLET Ten of those under the bleachers at a basketball game? LEO They've got good leads. BARTLET Okay. LEO Thank you, Mr. President. BARTLET Charlie? CHARLIE Yes, sir? BARTLET In ascending order of age, would you get my daughters on the phone, please? CHARLIE Yes, sir. BARTLET Thank you. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. HOUSE OF BLUES - NIGHT HOUSE OF BLUES CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS BARENACKED LADIES Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral Can't understand what I mean? you soon will I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve I have a history of losing my shirt It's been one week since you looked at me Dropped your arms to your sides and said 'I'm sorry' Five days since I laughed at you and said 'You just did just what I thought you were gonna do' Three days since the living room We realized we're both to blame, but what could we do? Yesterday you just smiled at me Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry..." JOSH I just tried Stackhouse again. TOBY He hasn't returned? Josh shakes his head no. TOBY Stackhouse is going to be fine. JOSH I've called twice. TOBY At $55,000 Matt Kelly's is in the 27.5% bracket. Let's assume he takes the standard deductions and let's forget for a moment mortgage payments. JOSH What's his tax liabiity? TOBY $13,300. JOSH We're saying that books are tax deductibile, too, right? TOBY I personally think that beer should be tax deductible JOSH So, with one kid in college, Mat Kelly's tax liability just dropped from 13,000... to 3,800? If we can get this done, it'll be a good days work. TOBY Let's take it to C.J. when she get's off. C.J. [on the stage] Barenaked Ladies helping out in the labor/delivery room of American democracy the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. The crowd cheers. C.J. 25 years ago, half of all 18 to 24 year-olds voted. Today it's 25%. 18 to 24 year-olds represent 33% of the population but only account for 7% of the voters. Think government isn't about you? How many of you have student loans to pay? How many have credit-card debt? How many want clean air and clean water and civil liberties? How many want jobs? How many want kids? How many want their kids to go to good schools and walk on safe streets? Decisions are made by those who show up! You gotta rock the vote! CUT TO: EXT. WHITE HOUSE COLONNADE - NIGHT BARTLET What's going on? LEO Casper's got something. CASPER Mr. President, three hours ago, Sheriff's deputies in Johnson County, Iowa, surrounded a house when they were tipped off that several men in their twenties had been buying all the pseudoephedrine they could get their hands on. Three of the stores they went to were owned by the same man. BARTLET Allergy medicine? CASPER Allergy medicine with tractor starter fluid strained through a coffee filter is methamphetamine. BARTLET Tractor starter fluid doesn't kill you? CASPER No, it'll definitely kill you, but first you'll get pretty high. LEO The Sherriff's deputies were shot at from the house. BARTLET You think these might be our guys? LEO The address and the name of the occupants match a couple of names that we've linked to the Patriot Brotherhood. BARTLET We have reason to believe they're connected KSU? CASPER They're telling us they are. They're also telling us they have Mac-10s, MP-5s, and Car 15s. BARTLET Are there kids inside? CASPER Yes, sir. BARTLET All right. Let's get the Director and the Attorney General. We only go in on my order, okay? It'll be my order. CASPER Yes, sir. BARTLET You just knew it was going to end up like this. They walk to THE OVAL OFFICE. FITZWALLACE Good evening, Mr. President. BARTLET Allergy medicine and tracker fluid we're getting high on now. FITZWALLACE All right. You guys getting strippers or something? LEO How do we do it? FITZWALLACE Basically, Langley manufactures documents, photographs, audio messages, even a body double, if neccesary. BARTLET Is this going to get ridiculuos? FITZWALLACE Absolutely. We make sure agents in Iraq, Syria and Iran get a whiff of the story and word inside and outside of the palace spreads. BARTLET We'll see it Al Jazeera? FITZWALLACE If we do our jobs. BARTLET No disinformation to U.S. press, right? We don't give disinformation to the American press? Unless it's about my health? FITZWALLACE Yes, sir. BARTLET All right, let's go. FITZWALLACE Thank you Mr. President. BARTLET All this posturing is a preamble to something. LEO You ready to say hello? BARTLET Why not? Bartlet and Leo walk into LEO'S OFFICE. BARTLET Hey Jordan. JORDAN Good evening, Mr. President. BARTLET What do you think? JORDAN I'm sorry, sir? BARTLET What do you think? JORDAN I don't know. BARTLET Yeah. JORDAN I have to tell you I'm very uncomfortable knowing what I know. BARTLET That makes three of us. JORDAN I haven't had any sort of time... BARTLET Take all the time you want. You done yet? JORDAN You understand domestically you're looking at possible injury to separation of powers; internationally, a possible war crimes charge? At the very least, we'd be wading up to our necks into unprecedented legal waters, exposing the Presidency to culpability undreamed of by the creators of the UN and the U.S. Constitution. BARTLET Well, that makes us ground-breaking, doesn't it? JORDAN Mr. President, I've defended guilty people before but I've never had a client that was willing to admit the crime but didn't expect to go to trial. BARTLET More ground-breaking. JORDAN Due respect, Mr. President, this isn't funny. BARTLET Due respect, Ms. Kendall, I'm the last person to whom that needs to be pointed out. And Article 51 of the United Nations charter says every nation has a right to wage war to defend itself. JORDAN The article's incumbant on wars being declared. BARTLET Wars don't work like that anymore. JORDAN Laws work like that. BARTLET 44 people are dead in Iowa, and most them college kids. Shareef has murdered Americans in uniform. He's murdered Americans out of uniform. He was trying to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge, and I didn't have time to file an amicus brief. JORDAN How can justice that has to be served in secret be justice? BARTLET I don't know, I'm working on that. JORDAN Anyway, at the moment I'm having trouble forseeing the exact legal consequences on the international stage. BARTLET Why? JORDAN Because most in international law doesn't exist yet. BARTLET Well, that's what I was hoping you'd say. I want there to be justice. That's why I'm talking to lawyer. Anyway, I just came in to say hello. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE- CONTINUOUS BARTLET Charlie? CHARLIE Yes, sir. BARTLET I'm heading back to the residence. CHARLIE Do you have a moment for Debbie? BARTLET Oh, God. Yeah. DEBBIE Good evening, Mr. President. BARTLET Arsenic? DEBBIE You got to give me points for... Nothing. There's nothing you can give me points for. I don't get any points. BARTLET No. DEBBIE I sincerely apologize. It was a higher environmental canser risk then Chernobyl. We spend $20 million a year on strategic milk reserve. We can't toss... BARTLET Why couldn't you have stopped with "I sincerely apologize?" DEBBIE I should have. I-I see that. BARTLET Your argument is totally fuhkakta by the way. The World Bank has a $17 billion budget contributed by a hundred... Uh, it doesn't matter. Don't worry about it. DEBBIE Don't worry about it, huh? BARTLET Yeah. DEBBIE I don't know what that means. BARTLET You can keep the job. DEBBIE Great. Why? BARTLET Why, because you knock me out, that's why. DEBBIE How did I do that? BARTLET "Let's stick some arsenic into President Bartlet's drinking water and see if he delegates responsibility to the World Bank then." President Bartlet. You reffered to me and to the office with respect. You're a class act. DEBBIE Thank you, Mr. President. BARTLET [on his way out] Whack job. DEBBIE Yes, sir. Bartlet leaves, and Debbie does a little celebration dance in the Oval Office. CUT TO: INT. HOUSE OF BLUES - NIGHT AIMEE MANN "Let us turn our thoughts today to Martin Luther King And recognize that there are ties between us All men and women living on the earth Ties of hope and love Sister and brotherhood" DONNA It's not the fault of women's sports. It's the fault of football. JOSH It's the fault of football? DONNA Yeah. JOSH Football pays for all the other sports. DONNA There are 53 players on an NFL team. The Univeristy of Colorado has 130, 85 of whom are on full scholarship. I'm all for back-ups and substitutes but can't the guy who's forth on the depth chart at right outside linebacker also be fourth on the depth chart at left outside linebacker? If a college football team cut back to 70 scholarships, they'd still be three deep in every position and have a fourth string punter and place-kicker. 15 scholarships. That's a wrestling team. Josh sees Amy in the distance and gets up. JOSH Excuse me. AIMEE MANN "There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist There is a hunger in the center of the chest There is a passage through the darkness and the mist" AMY Hi. JOSH What are you doing up here? AMY I do some work for these guys. JOSH It's a great event. AMY Yeah. You look good. JOSH Yeah? AMY No. You look tired. JOSH Well, you look good. AMY Yes, I know. JOSH Okay. AMY Hey did you...? I heard you got left behind by the motorcade. JOSH Yeah, it-it took us 20 hours to get out of Indiana. You should have been with us. You'd have fun. AMY I would have. I don't know what to say about the pipe bombing. JOSH There's nothing to say. I-I was trying... AMY I miss you. JOSH ...to call Stackhouse. AMY I'm sorry? JOSH What did you say? AMY No, you said you called Howard? JOSH Yeah, I haven't heard back. What... What did you say? AMY You were calling about Sullivan? JOSH Yeah, they're-they're not returning my call. I shouldn't be nervous, right? AMY No, you should be. JOSH Did you say you missed me? AMY Josh... JOSH What do you mean I should be nervous? AMY We're considering... JOSH We? AMY Stackhouse. JOSH The District Court says Howard Stackhouse can appear in the debate. Is Stackhouse... under new management? AMY It's been... For debate prep, it's been offered to me. JOSH This is not-not the deal we made with them. In one week, he is supposed to endorse te President. AMY He never thought he'd get in the debate. JOSH He's not. So, he's-he's moving you from consultant... AMY I don't know, it's all happening fast. It's just today. I'm considering it. JOSH It wasn't the deal we had. [walks away] AMY [whispers as Josh leaves] I miss you. SAM I mean, you got to ask yourself multi-million dollar bonuses are deductible and not tuition? C.J. It's 'casue corporations donate to all the members of the tax writing committee. SAM I didn't mean you really have to ask yourself. I knew you knew the answer. C.J. Ritchie's all ready coming after us for politicizing the budget. Plus, Leo hates to make policy through tax code, 'cause then we can't do any kind of reform without unraveling it. SAM Was that Amy? JOSH Yeah. If the Sullivan decision's upheld, Stackhouse wants into the debate. He's not going to endorse the President. SAM Had to see that coming. JOSH I'm calling Bruno. SAM The Court's going to stay the effect. He's not going to be in the debate. Josh'll take care of it. Anyway, college tuition. C.J. Another reason not to do it. TOBY There are a lot of reasons not to do it. But... we met a guy last night at an airport hotel in the bar. His daughter was upstairs in the room. They'd been looking at colleges. He makes $55,000 a year. His mutual fund got beat up yesterday on Wall Street. And he was so happy to be taking his daughter to colleges. He came downstairs to the bar 'cause he didn't want her to see that he didn't know how he was going to pay for it. There are a lot of reasons not to do it, but during the first campaign the President said there are two kinds of politicians. SAM The ones who try to say yes, and the ones who try to say no. TOBY We're going to throw these guys out 'cause they want to say no. C.J. I guess if we're going to get thrown out, I don't want it to be for that. Let's take it to Leo. CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE - NIGHT A woman picks up her ringing phone. WOMAN Hello? Matt? Matt? MATT KELLY Yeah? WOMAN It's for you. A man named Toby Ziegler. Do you know him? MATT Yeah. Hello. TOBY Matt, it's me from last night. yeah, we got... got home fine, thanks. Now, let me tell you what we're working on. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 4.03 -- "College Kids" Original Air Date: October 2, 2002, 9:00 PM EST Transcript by: The Vault October 20, 2002