While President Bartlet (Martin Sheen) frets about where to spend Thanksgiving — and how to best cook a gourmet turkey — C.J. (Allison Janney) powwows with two Native Americans (Gary Farmer and Georgina Lightning) who are camped in the lobby and promise to cause a media dustup if they can’t meet with a bigwig about receiving better public health projects on their reservation. Elsewhere, Josh (Bradley Whitford) pulls some political levers as he tries to gain the extradition of a teenaged boy who murdered his teacher and fled to Italy; Toby (Richard Schiff) informs Bartlet of an inexpensive way to improve his polling numbers; and Sam (Rob Lowe) questions a new poverty income index that could spell trouble for the President by classifying millions more people as poor virtually overnight.
THE WEST WING "THE INDIANS IN THE LOBBY" WRITTEN BY: AARON SORKIN DIRECTED BY: PARIS BARCLAY TEASER FADE IN: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY Bartlet and C.J. are sitting. C.J. is obviously bored while Bartlet talks. BARTLET I'm not wild about Camp David. C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET I'm not the only one, either. Bess Truman didn't like it. I read that somewhere. She thought it was dull. [pause] But there I go, Thanksgiving at Camp David. C.J. Yeah. BARTLET [pause] It's not a place you go at Thanksgiving, not when you have a farm. C.J. Isn't Camp David a farm? BARTLET No. C.J. Oh. BARTLET What makes you think it's a farm? C.J. I don't know, it's outside... BARTLET Farms have things you can grow, and animals. C.J. Right. BARTLET I want you to learn more about farms. C.J. There's more? BARTLET Yeah. C.J. Okay. [rolls eyes] BARTLET Doesn't matter. Thanksgiving's where your family is, and this year my family's at Camp David. Why, I do not know. Abbey didn't wanna schlepp to New Hampshire. Schlepping in a 747. It's not like we were gonna have to carry our own bags or anything, but I do not argue. Pause. C.J. examines her nails. BARTLET Were we talking about something? C.J. I don't know, sir. When I came in here, back in the late '50s, there was a purpose to it, but then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir, but somewhere during the discussion of anise and coriander and the other 15 spices you like to use to baste a turkey, I simply lost consciousness. BARTLET [pause] You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President? C.J. I'm coming up on it? BARTLET No-no. Look behind you. C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET Would you like to leave? C.J. With your permission, sir. BARTLET Damn right, with my permission. [stands] C.J. Yes, sir. [stands and hurries to the door] BARTLET It's the brine that keeps the meat soft, lady. You soak it overnight in water, salt, sugar... C.J. [opens the door, starts to exit] Seventeen kinds of-- BARTLET Seventeen kinds of spices including? C.J. [sticks head back in office] Anise and coriander. BARTLET Now you can go. C.J. Thank you, Mr. President. [shuts door] CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS C.J. exits. Josh is sitting there. JOSH How you doing? C.J. [poses in the doorway] I'm done, baby. JOSH Yeah? C.J. [starts snapping her fingers] I set up the I Board meeting with the Post on budget gains, I did an early briefing on the week loot and import quarter proclamation, reported the turkey, went to my dentist. I'm done. JOSH So there are these two Indians in the lobby. They start walking through the HALLWAY. C.J. Yeah? JOSH No, it's-it's not the beginning of a joke. I'm saying there's these two Indians in the lobby. C.J. [stops snapping] And I'm saying "yeah?" JOSH They had a meeting scheduled this morning with Jacob Cutler at Intergovernmental Affairs. Cutler had to cancel the meeting so he could see northwestern border state governors to discuss pourous borders between the U.S. and Canada, that's the governors of Washington, Idaho, North Dakota, Montana and Alaska. C.J. Yeah? JOSH Yeah, well, apparently the Indians say they're not leaving until they get satisfaction. They stop outside the lobby doors. C.J. [turns to face Josh] How is this my problem? JOSH C.J., there's two Indians sitting in the lobby, they say they're not leaving, there's press everywhere. I just made it your problem. C.J. [pause, sighs] Indians on the day before Thanksgiving. Wow. Ironic. She opens the doors and walks into the LOBBY. JOSH Yeah. C.J. walks up to the aforementioned Indians. C.J. [to security guard, Harry] Harry, I got it, thanks. [turns to the Indians] Good morning. I'm CJ Cregg. MAGGIE MORNINGSTAR-CHARLES I'm Maggie Morningstar-Charles, and this is our Tribal Council, Jack Lonefeather. C.J. I'm sorry about your meeting, Mr. Cutler had to meet with some northwestern governors about an important problem. MAGGIE Yes. C.J. It'll be no problem to reschedule the appointment. MAGGIE Oh, we can wait. C.J. Would you like to step into my office and we can try to reschedule it right now? MAGGIE We're fine here. C.J. I'm sorry? JACK LONEFEATHER She said we're fine here. C.J. [pause] Actually, you're not fine here. JACK Then you can forcibly remove us. [pause] I've noticed that correspondants from the Times, Reuters, CNN and the Miami Herald are here. MAGGIE And the Washington Post is on speed dial. C.J. This is gonna have something to do with us screwing you out of all your land, isn't it? MAGGIE Yes. C.J. See, I was done. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY Leo is walking towards Josh's office. Josh exits the office, and they walk together. JOSH I was just coming to see you. Did you hear about the two Indians in the lobby? LEO One of them wants to become a rabbi? JOSH It's not a joke, they're really... Nevermind. LEO Last week a 13-year-old kid in Georgia shot his teacher in the back of the head. They walk down the HALLWAY. JOSH I read about that. They can't find the kid, right? LEO Interpol made the arrest last night in Rome. JOSH In Italy? LEO His parents... Yeah, Rome. In Italy. His parents sent him there as soon as it happened. The parents are in custody, obviously the governor wants him back, and Italy won't extradite to a country that has the death penalty. The governor wants Justice to help. They reach LEO'S OFFICE and enter. Leo walks around to back of his desk. JOSH Why isn't this conversation taking place in the DeKalb County DA's office? LEO It's taken on an international flavor. JOSH Much like myself. LEO Yeah. You'll talk to some people? JOSH Si. LEO And you'll stop doing that soon. JOSH Yeah. CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - DAY Toby sits inside at desk reading a newspaper, Sam is pacing outside of door, with paper in his hand. TOBY [looking up from newspaper] Sam? Are you guarding my office? SAM [chuckling] That's funny. TOBY Thank you. Toby pauses, reads newspaper, looks up and sees Sam still pacing. TOBY Yeah? SAM [entering office] On Monday, the OMB is putting out a new formula for calculating the poverty level. TOBY I saw that. Doesn't it need Presidential approval before it goes to Congress? SAM Yeah. TOBY What's the problem? SAM It's a good news, bad news thing. Under the new formula, poverty is up two percent. It was anyone under seventeen thousand, five hundred and twenty-four before, now it's twenty thousand. TOBY What does that shake out to? SAM Four million new poor people. TOBY Four million?!? SAM Yeah. Obviously, that's the bad news. TOBY Yeah... SAM The good news is more people will be eligible for benefits. TOBY And taxpayers are nuts about that. Let's get back to the bad news. Four million people became poor on the President's watch? SAM They didn't become poor. They were poor already. And now we're calling them poor. TOBY What was wrong with the old formula? SAM I don't know. TOBY Find out. SAM It is possible that this is a statistical reality and not a political finding. TOBY Well, get together with somebody at OMB and find out what was wrong with the statistical reality of the old formula. SAM Yeah. TOBY And do it today. SAM [heading out of office] Yeah. TOBY It's like when they did that thing with the SAT scores and I got dumber twenty years after I went to college. SAM It's a little like that. TOBY Talk to somebody. SAM Yeah. CUT TO: INT. LOBBY - DAY C.J. is standing talking to Maggie and Jack. MAGGIE The treaty of 1856- C.J. Yes. Listen- MAGGIE Moved from New York to Wisconsin. C.J. Listen, this isn't a good place for this. This is... a lobby. MAGGIE I know what this is. C.J. Yes. MAGGIE I have a degree from the University of Michigan. JACK Look, Ms. Cregg. If we give up this land, we loose our one bullet in our gun. We need to be in view of the press. C.J. What tribe are you from? JACK We're Stockbridge-Munsee Indians. Like Maggie was saying, when we were moved to Wisconsin, we signed the treaty of 1856. In return, the government was supposed to protect our reservations, provide education and health care, and we would still be a sovereign nation. But then the Dawes Act came. C.J. And you were forced to sell the land? JACK We went from forty-six thousand acres of tribal land to eleven thousand. The Dawes Act was also supposed to civilize us. Henry Dawes said that to be civilized, you must cultivate the land, wear civilized clothes, drive studebaker wagons, and drink whiskey. MAGGIE The drinking part was particularly constructive. C.J. Well, before we go any further, I should tell you, there's absolutely nothing I can do for you. MAGGIE Imagine our shock. C.J. Yes. MAGGIE In two generations, we'll be wiped out. On C.J., distressed-- CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY Donna is standing near her desk. Josh enters, talking to her. JOSH Did you get me a flight? DONNA Yes. JOSH Excellent. One that gets me there in time for dinner? DONNA Yes. JOSH And I don't have to change planes in Atlanta? DONNA No, even better. You do have to change planes in Atlanta. JOSH I told you that- DONNA You have to change planes in Atlanta, deal with it. Donna walks around distributing paperwork, Josh follows. JOSH There must be something. DONNA There's a 6:10 to Orlando, it gets in at 9:15, but that's too late for dinner. You could get a C141 leaving from Andrews for Homestead, but there's a problem with that, too. JOSH It would trigger a Congressional investigation? DONNA [beat] All right, two problems. JOSH Find me... something. DONNA Why is this being done last minute? JOSH And remember to scold me a couple times before I leave. DONNA Did you only just decide you were going home for Thanksgiving? JOSH No, but I thought I was going to Connecticut. DONNA [sitting at her desk] Why? JOSH 'Cause that's where the house is. DONNA Your mom sold the house ten months ago. JOSH I made a mistake. DONNA You forgot where your mother lives? JOSH I'm from Connecticut, okay?! And like a swallow to Capistrano, I have to... Just, find me a flight, would you? And call Russell Angler at the State Department and tell him I need to see him about the kid in Georgia, he'll know what I'm talking about. DONNA I'm telling your mother you forgot where she lives. JOSH [entering his office] You're the girl I made fun of in elementary school, you know that? DONNA [grinning] Yes, I do. Sam enters the bullpen. SAM Donna, can I go in? DONNA You don't have any special, secret flights to Palm Beach today, do you? SAM Yeah, but you gotta change planes in Atlanta. DONNA Okay. Sam enters JOSH'S OFFICE. JOSH Did you hear about this kid? SAM The one who shot his teacher? JOSH His parents, who are in custody, Fed-Exed him to Rome, which is in Italy. SAM You're kidding me? JOSH No, it's really in Italy. Josh crosses room to mini-fridge, removes two bottles of water. JOSH But that's not the best part. SAM Italy won't extradite him. JOSH The best part is that Italy won't extradite him. Josh tosses Sam a bottle of water and walks towards his desk. SAM Because of the death penalty in Georgia? JOSH They've come a long way since Mussolini. SAM You should mention that. JOSH I will. Josh takes a large gulp of water from his bottle, and stands behind his desk. SAM [sitting in front of Josh's desk] So, it turns out we've got four million new poor people. JOSH Since when? SAM Well, yesterday, actually. JOSH The OMB's recommending a new model? SAM Yes. JOSH Well, I'm not an expert, but wouldn't we have a better chance at getting re-elected if we could say there were four million fewer poor people? Hang on, wait. I am an expert. SAM Well, I think we'd have a better chance at getting re-elected if there actually were four million fewer poor people, but I'm gonna talk to Bernice Collette anyway. JOSH [walking out from behind desk] You gonna try and get her not to recommend the new model? SAM Well, to hold off for a while, anyway. JOSH [leaving office] You know Bernice? SAM That's why I came to you. JOSH [sticking his head back in the office] She's a little tough to warm up. SAM I'll warm her up. They both exit to the HALLWAY. JOSH Yeah? SAM Jokes. Nicknames. That sort of thing. JOSH Sounds like you've got a pretty good plan. SAM Anything else I need to know? JOSH Don't go through the lobby. SAM Why not? JOSH [starting to walk away] Indians in the lobby. SAM [beat] Is that code? JOSH No. There are Indians in the lobby. SAM Okay. Josh walks away. Sam goes to peer into lobby, makes a confused face, and turns around to walk away. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY Bartlet sits at desk, signing a piece of paper. Charlie stands next to him. BARTLET Bess Truman didn't like Camp David, either, she thought it was dull. Doesn't matter. Bartlet hands the paper to Charlie, putting it in a folder. BARTLET Long as you've got an oven, and you go to three hundred and twenty degrees. You take your turkey, which has been soaking overnight in water, salt, coriander... Bartlet is interrupted by a knocking at the door, which is followed by the door opening. NANCY Excuse me, sir. Toby would like to see you, should I send him in? CHARLIE [eager] Yes. Bartlet shoots Charlie a dirty look. Charlie looks back at him. CHARLIE Yeah, well, that's obviously a question for you, sir. BARTLET She was asking me. CHARLIE I'll step out. BARTLET Yeah. Charlie leaves. Toby enters. TOBY [walking towards desk] Good morning, sir. BARTLET Hey. TOBY Before anything else, I was hoping I could impose on you for as much information you could spare about making a turkey. BARTLET This is some sort of pre-emptive psychological thing? TOBY Yeah. BARTLET That's not going to work. TOBY Yeah. You're gonna see, on next week's message calendar, there's a notation about a new federal initiative to provide low-cost cell phones to neighborhood watch groups. BARTLET I saw the message calendar. I'm having some difficulty navigating the color-coding. TOBY The colors are for areas - Blue is education... Green is economy, it's a quick glance way to let us know if we're getting enough hits on our issues. BARTLET Well, there should be a separate color for things I don't care about. TOBY Like what? BARTLET Providing low-cost cell phone service to neighborhood watch groups. TOBY It's important. BARTLET Really? TOBY You spot a crime, you gonna go to a pay phone? BARTLET There's nothing wrong with the policy, it's just too small. I could fund this initiative out of my pocket. TOBY It's ten million dollars. BARTLET Leo could fund it out of his pocket. Shouldn't this be local government, like the YMCA or something? TOBY We have an idea, which we have reason to believe is popular, which is, that in addition to passing large and abstract pieces of legislation- BARTLET We pass minute, but easy to understand. TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET How popular? TOBY Eighty-two percent. BARTLET Get out of here. TOBY Hand to God. BARTLET Bring me that polling data. Toby gets up to leave, then turns back to Bartlet. TOBY What kind of stuffing are we talking about? BARTLET Cornbread, oysters, water chestnuts, andouille sausage. TOBY You gonna cook on the inside or separate? BARTLET Inside. TOBY You better make sure it cooks. BARTLET It'll cook. TOBY If it doesn't cook, people are gonna get sick. BARTLET It'll cook. TOBY They'll be very, very sick. BARTLET I've got it covered. Anything else? TOBY You know about the new OMB definitions? BARTLET I know they're coming out. What's it going to look like? TOBY Depends. You want more poor people or fewer poor people? BARTLET Fewer. TOBY You got it. Thank you, Mr. President. Toby walks out, with a lingering look at Bartlet. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY Bartlet is standing in the doorway, talking to Leo, who is sitting at his desk. BARTLET ...carroway seeds, thyme, cornbread, oysters, water chestnuts and Handui sausage. LEO Sounds good. BARTLET Yeah. But Toby seemed to indicate that you have to be careful if you cook it inside the turkey, because in some cases it doesn't cook, and when that happens, people get sick. LEO Yeah. BARTLET You know about this? LEO I've heard about it. BARTLET [walks into the office] 'Cause I thought Toby might be playing with me. LEO Maybe he is. BARTLET But you said you've heard of it. LEO Maybe I am, too. BARTLET Nah, you don't have that kind of wit. LEO Yeah. BARTLET I need to talk to an expert. LEO Talk to Rene. [yells] Margaret! BARTLET I can't ask Rene. MARGARET [enters office] Yes? LEO The President needs to speak with the head chef. Could you try him at home? BARTLET No. No, I can't. Thanks Margaret. Margaret exits. BARTLET I can't ask Rene right now. LEO Why not? BARTLET Well, frankly, I thought he did something stupid and inconsiderate last week, but it turns out I was just in a bad mood. LEO You gave Rene a firm talking to? BARTLET Yes. And while he didn't deserve it, he will someday soon. Charlie knocks on the door. CHARLIE Excuse me. LEO Come on in. CHARLIE They dropped off the polling data you were asking for. BARTLET 82 percent are in favor of fixing potholes? LEO Yeah. BARTLET I'm gonna look at this. LEO Okay. Bartlet and Charlie exit to THE OVAL OFFICE. BARTLET They want the nickel and dime stuff, I'll tell you one thing we can do. CHARLIE What's that, sir? BARTLET This time of the year there should be a hotline you can call with questions about cooking turkey. A special 800 number where the phones are staffed by experts. CHARLIE There is. BARTLET What do you mean? CHARLIE The Butterball hotline. BARTLET [pause, takes off his glasses and stares at Charlie] Butterball has a hotline? CHARLIE Yeah. It's an 800 number, the phones are staffed by experts. BARTLET Are you kidding me? CHARLIE No. BARTLET God, I'm sorry, I love my country. Charlie, get me the number for the Butterball hotline. CHARLIE Yes, sir. Charlie turns to leave. Bartlet looks over poll data as he walks to his desk. BARTLET Hang on. Charlie turns around. BARTLET I don't think this is the right one. CHARLIE [turns around] The right poll? BARTLET Yeah, this is something different. Hang on a second. This is – [pause] Son of a bitch. [walks up to Charlie] Find Bruno Gianelli, tell him I wanna see him right away. CHARLIE Yes, sir. [exits] CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - DAY Sam meets BERNICE COLLETTE. GINGER Sam? SAM Yeah? GINGER Bernice Collette. SAM Thanks. BERNICE Hey Sam. [shakes hands with Sam] SAM How ya doing, Bernie? BERNICE Not wild about people calling me Bernie. SAM Sure. What should I call you? BERNICE Bernice is fine. SAM But how will you know I'm your buddy? BERNICE I'm okay living in the dark on that. SAM [pause] Okay. They start walking through the halls to the office. SAM Can you tell me how the current standard was reached? BERNICE The new one? SAM The current one. The new one hasn't been signed off on. BERNICE We have to sign off on it. They stop outside Sam's office door. SAM Why? BERNICE It's much more accurate. SAM Well how was the old one reached? The current one. They enter SAM'S OFFICE. BERNICE In 1963, an eastern European immigrant named Mollie Orshansky, who was working over in social security, came up with it. Food was the most costly living expense where she came from. SAM Our cost of living formula for the last 40 years has been based on life in Poland during the Cold War? BERNICE This is what I'm talking about. I mean, food doesn't account for one-third of a family's budget. Housing is more expensive than food. The current model also doesn't take into account transportation and health insurance. So let's call the current model the old model and sign off on the new model. SAM All right. Sit down. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY Josh is walking with RUSSELL ANGLER. ANGLER The kid's being held at San Battal in Rome. JOSH Have you ever seen anything like this before? ANGLER Well he's a minor, so this is uncharted territory. Now listen, I've gotta tell you something. JOSH What? ANGLER Unless the eligibility papers meet all the treaty obligations, they're gonna have to release him. JOSH Under whose custody? ANGLER They're just gonna release him. JOSH [stops walking] Russ... ANGLER It's provisional arrest. We don't have the paperwork right, the foreign minister's gonna review it and decline extradition. They have no grounds to hold him. JOSH I-I don't-- ANGLER He didn't break any Italian laws. They start walking again. JOSH They're gonna give him a Eurail pass and a backpack? ANGLER Well, the governor's gotta guarantee that he's not gonna seek the death penalty. JOSH First of all, it isn't up to the governor, it's up to the DeKalb DA. Second of all... this is Georgia. ANGLER Then we're not getting the kid back. "Extradition shall be refused unless the requesting party provides such assurances as the requested party considers sufficient that the death penalty shall not be imposed." I didn't write the U.S./Italian Extradition Treaty. JOSH This kid shoots his teacher in the head and gets life in Venice, we're all gonna look like idiots. I gotta put this out before it's in the papers. ANGLER Yeah. JOSH What do I do now? ANGLER I'd talk to the head of affairs at the Italian embassy. JOSH I wanna do it today. ANGLER I'll set it up. JOSH Thank you. CUT TO: INT: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE LOBBY - DAY C.J. is still speaking with the Indians in the middle of the lobby. JACK ...we had swamp land, our soil too rocky to farm, so we had to foreclose or sell it at three cents an acre. MAGGIE In 1934, the Indian Reorganization Act allowed us to start buying back the land, bad and good. C.J. And why would you want to buy back the bad land, too? MAGGIE Because the IR Act said that if we put it in a trust, like a national park, it would never be taken away. C.J. So, what you need is, what? JACK An answer on our CFR 151 application. C.J. I'm sure that's handled by the Department of the Interior. JACK It is. C.J. And? JACK We're still waiting for an answer. C.J. These things take a little bit of time. MAGGIE We've been waiting for a little bit of time. C.J. It's a big interior, Maggie. MAGGIE We've been waiting for 15 years, CJ. C.J. [pause] 15 years? MAGGIE Yeah. So you can see why we don't mind hanging around here for a little while. C.J. Yeah. A reporter, Mark, interrupts. MARK C.J.? C.J. [walks over to Mark] Yeah? MARK Are you guys gonna have anything on Macedonia before the end of the day? C.J. I don't think so. MARK Okay. What's going on? C.J. I'm just talking to my friends. MARK Okay. C.J. Have a good weekend, Mark. Have a good Thanksgiving. MARK I'm Canadian. C.J. Yours is in April? MARK October. C.J. Oh. To have it be over. MARK Yeah. He leaves. C.J. turns around and looks at the Indians. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: EXT. THE ITALIAN EMBASSY - DAY FEDRIGOTTI I have to ask you, because I'm asking everyone: there's an American children's book I'm trying to find and having difficulty. It's called "The Little Red Lighthouse and the Great Grey Bridge." JOSH I know "The Little Red Lighthouse." That's a great book. FEDRIGOTTI Look, the funiculaire - it's not a funiculaire. It's a... JOSH The George Washington bridge. FEDRIGOTTI Yes. You know the lighthouse is still there. It's very hard to see. If you're driving up the Riverside, the West Side Highway goes... JOSH Yeah, you peer down just at the right moment, you can see the top of it. FEDRIGOTTI I can't find the book, and I have a four-year-old boy now. JOSH I'll ask around. FEDRIGOTTI Thank you. Please. [Both sit.] JOSH Now... FEDRIGOTTI You stand hand in hand with no other country on this except Somalia, you know that don't you? Even China doesn't allow children to be executed. JOSH Well... Federal Law doesn't allow it, but people in the state of Georgia do, so there's not much... A waiter brings by a tray of coffee and food. FEDRIGOTTI Yes. Grazzi. WAITER Prego. [leaves] JOSH Mr. Fedrigotti... FEDRIGOTTI Alberto. JOSH Alberto... please. You'll have the ambassador speak to the foreign minister and send the kid back? FEDRIGOTTI Josh, you're in a restaurant... JOSH Alberto... FEDRIGOTTI And there's a little girl who is really misbehaving. She runs around, she's throwing food. The father decides to punish her right there by cracking the wine bottle over her head, throwing her to the ground, and kicking her repeatedly. You sit at the next table. What do you do? JOSH The kid wasn't throwing food. FEDRIGOTTI Is there a crime that girl could commit, that would have justified what the father did? JOSH [laughs] See, it's... it's p[problematic when other people make my argument for me. FEDRIGOTTI Yeah. And if the father said, 'This is my child, and I will punish her any way I choose,' would you come to the conclusion that this father has lost all perspective, and all judgement, and should be removed from equation? JOSH Okay. I'm gonna... I'll ask around about the book. FEDRIGOTTI Thank you. CUT TO: INT: C.J.'S OFFICE - DAY C.J.'s walking into her office as Carol is leaving it. C.J. [paces in the office, then comes to the door] What about the assistant secretary for Indian affairs? CAROL He's away. C.J. You tried? CAROL Yeah. C.J. goes back into her office, then comes out. C.J. Deputy Director of Intergovernmental affairs? CAROL He's left. C.J. Deputy of Acquisition... isn't there a deputy of Acquisition and Property Management? CAROL Yeah, and there's also a Deputy of Travel Services. C.J. But? CAROL It's Thanksgiving. Nobody's here. C.J. I'm here! They're here! You're here! CAROL God knows that. C.J. walks back into her office, then runs out again. C.J. Tell Leo's office I'm coming over. [leaves] CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - DAY Bernice is sitting by Sam's desk, while Sam is outside with Toby. SAM She's making a certain amount of sense. TOBY Isn't this one of those things that can be argued from all sides? SAM Yes. TOBY And one way or another, they're all right? SAM Yes. TOBY You can put the numbers together a lot of different ways? SAM Yeah. TOBY Okay, well, let's put them together in a way that there's just fewer poor people. SAM Yeah. TOBY Or, if we have to go with the new formula, delay as long as we can - we have to test it. SAM All right. Ginger brings by some papers. Toby leaves, Sam steps back into his office. SAM So three statisticians go deer-hunting. The first one misses ten feet to the left, the second one misses ten feet to the right. The third one jumps up and down and says, 'I hit it!' You got to like a guy who comes up with a statistical analysis joke. [goes to his desk] Certainly you would if you had let me call you Bernie. BERNICE Sam... SAM Shouldn't we test the math before the President signs it off? Create a pilot program and experiment for two years? BERNICE Test the math? SAM Yeah. BERNICE You think we did this with an abacus? SAM You know I've always wanted to learn how to work an abacus, 'cause on the first day when the check comes and you pull that thing out of your pocket and start adding up the tip? BERNICE Well that and your statistics jokes will have you blazing the path through the capital women. SAM Yeah. You know, the new formula doesn't take into account regional differences in housing costs. BERNICE No. SAM You don't think it's worth it? BERNICE We took the national mean. SAM How do you suppose the landlords in New York and L.A. feel about the national mean? BERNICE We debated that, but agreed it was too difficult to assess when the costs change from year to year. SAM [sits down] So you drop the problem when the math gets tough. BERNICE Look... SAM You know who wouldn't be very pleased by that? Ms. Holly Orshansky of Poland, author of the original formula, who I think is long overdue for recognition. BERNICE Molly. SAM Hmmm? BERNICE Molly Orshansky? SAM Not Holly? BERNICE No. SAM Thought it was Holly. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY Charlie walks in as Bartlet is sitting at his desk. CHARLIE Bruno? BARTLET Get him in here. Bruno Gianelli walks in. BARTLET What the hell is this? [waves the poll in his hand] BRUNO Sorry? BARTLET What is this? BRUNO I don't know what you're waving. BARTLET [gets up and walks over to Bruno] It's a poll. I asked to see a poll about certain... doesn't matter. Then send up the wrong poll. This one asks voters where I should spend Thanksgiving. BRUNO Yeah. BARTLET What the hell are you doing polling where I should spend Thanksgiving? BRUNO Well, New England doesn't get us anything that we don't already have, and there was a sense it could be seen as political, with New Hampshire, the first primary state. BARTLET I have Thanksgiving with my family. BRUNO Yeah, yeah. People like that. BARTLET Thank god! BRUNO Mr. President... BARTLET You politicize family to make sure they don't look political. BRUNO Don't get me started on ironies. BARTLET My family is off limits. [throws the poll on the couch and walks to his desk] BRUNO Sir... your candor about a terrible illness was off limits. [Bartlet turns to look at him.] Your regimen of self-medication was off limits. Due respect, you've used up your off limits. BARTLET I'll decide when I've used them up. You don't poll where my family goes, am I making myself clear? BRUNO Mh-huhmm... Sometimes I have a difficulty talking to people who don't race sailboats. BARTLET What? BRUNO [comes closer] I have difficulty sometimes talking to people who don't race sailboats. When I was a teenager, I crewed Larchmont to Nassau on a 58-foot sloop called Cantice. There was a little piece of kelp that was stuck to the hull, and even though it was little, you don't want anything stuck to the hull. So, I take a boat hook on a pole and I stick it in the water and I try to get the kelp off, when seven guys start screaming at me, right? 'Cause now the pole is causing more drag than the kelp was. See, what you gotta do is you gotta drop it in and let the water lift it out in a windmill motion. Drop it in, and let the water take it by the kelp and lift it out. In, and out. In, and out, till you got it. [beat] The voters aren't choosing a plumber, Mr. President. They are choosing a president. And if you don't think that your family should matter, my suggestion to you is to get out of professional politics. And if you think that I'm going to miss even one opportunity to pick up half-a-mile boat speed, you're absolutely out of your mind. When it costs us nothing, when we give up nothing?! You're out of your mind. Knock on the door. Charlie comes in with some papers. CHARLIE Excuse me. [hands paper over to Bartlet and leaves] BARTLET Ah, something important! BRUNO What is that, sir? BARTLET The number for the Butterball Hotline. [starts dialing] Watch, and learn. WOMAN [on speaker] Welcome to the Butterball Hotline! BARTLET Hello... WOMAN [on speaker] Stand by for our next available operator to assist you. Bartlet looks at Bruno, who looks back quietly. BARTLET Charlie!! CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY C.J. is standing in front of Leo, who stands behind his desk. C.J. Fifteen years! LEO I agree. That's a long time. C.J. That's a pretty long time. LEO Yes. C.J. [walks round the desk] And you know all we're talking about is a sewage plant and a house center. They're not asking for the Great Plains. LEO I'll have somebody call somebody and find out what the delay is. C.J. What can I tell them in the meantime? LEO Tell them that. C.J. It'd be nice if they could see someone before he left. They had an appointment. LEO Sealy? C.J. He's gone. LEO Do it Monday. C.J. We do it Monday, they're gonna stay here till Monday. Absent being dragged off in handcuffs, of this I'm sure. Plus right is right. LEO What do you want from me? C.J. Five minutes! LEO No. C.J. They walk out of here, they've met with the Chief of Staff. LEO No. C.J. Why not? LEO 'Cause I'm not taking a meeting which somebody who stages a sitting in a lobby! C.J. All right, thank you. [walks away] LEO Thank you. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY Bartlet opens the door to Toby, waiting outside. BARTLET Toby! TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET Come in, please. Toby walks in. BARTLET You polled where I should have Thanksgiving? TOBY Yeah, I saw that question. BARTLET And it was okay with you? TOBY Uh, yes sir. BARTLET Why? TOBY Because it was okay with Joey Lucas. BARTLET You think people should care where I have Thanksgiving? TOBY I know I don't give a damn... BARTLET All right. Doesn't matter. I straightened it out. It has a lot to do with kelp. TOBY What? WOMAN [on speaker] Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline. Bartlet runs to the phone. TOBY What the hell is... BARTLET Shhhh. Hello!! WOMAN [on speaker] How can I help you, sir? BARTLET Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide. Toby comes closer. WOMAN Well, thank you. May I have your name please? BARTLET I'm a citizen. WOMAN I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comment in our customer feedback form. BARTLET [sighs] I'm Joe Betherson...sen. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there. WOMAN And your address? BARTLET Fargo. WOMAN Your street address, please? Bartlet looks at Toby desperately. TOBY [picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up] BARTLET [with evident strain] My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it. BARTLET Zip code 50504. WOMAN Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me. BARTLET I do radio commercials for... products. WOMAN And how can I help you? BARTLET [sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct? WOMAN It can also be baked in the casserole dish. BARTLET Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we?Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin. WOMAN I suppose. BARTLET If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker. WOMAN Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are salmonella and camplyobacter jejuna. BARTLET All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it? Toby and Charlie smile. WOMAN Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. SautE any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc. BARTLET Excellent! Let's talk temperature. WOMAN One hundred and sixty-five degrees. BARTLET No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees. WOMAN Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks. BARTLET Okay. Good testing! WOMAN Do you have an accurate thermometer? BARTLET Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... [Toby raises his hand.] auto sales in... TOBY [whispering] Fargo. BARTLET Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything. WOMAN Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving! BARTLET And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone, stands up] That was excellent! We should do that once a week. TOBY [stands up] Phil Baharnd? BARTLET I gotta get better at the names. CHARLIE Well, that's it, sir. You want to start the weekend? BARTLET No. One more thing left. Today, we find the traitor in my family. I know the First Lady doesn't like to schlep, but would you please tell her to meet me in the residence? CHARLIE Yes, sir. Bartlet nods and walks outside to the portico. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Josh and Leo are sitting at Leo's desk. JOSH Look-- LEO Wait-- JOSH I need to ask you something. LEO What? JOSH What am I missing? Why does the White House care so much about an issue involving a local DA which, at best, should be handled by Justice and State and the Embassy? LEO Because. JOSH Because what? LEO I don't want this President to get a call from the Bishop of Rome. JOSH Why do we care about the Bishop of Rome? LEO Because that's not the only name he goes by. JOSH [pause] What's another name? LEO Your Holiness? JOSH The Bishop of Rome is the Pope? LEO It'll take it to a whole new level. We don't wanna be on that level. JOSH No, we do not. LEO Forget the Italians... I wanna work it from our side. JOSH That means getting the DA to guarantee he won't seek the death penalty. LEO Yeah. JOSH How? LEO DeKalb's the Georgia 4th. JOSH Yeah? LEO When Gire was elected fom the Georgia 4th election before last, Farragut was who he beat. JOSH Who's Farragut? LEO The DeKalb DA. JOSH [pause] Well, I suppose there's a time for scrouples and a time for, you know. LEO Not. JOSH Yeah. LEO He's left the office. But he'll be on the 8 p.m. U.S. Airways out of Hartsfield going to DFW. JOSH Hartsfield? LEO Yeah. JOSH Okay. [stands] Excuse me. [exits] CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Donna is sitting on a table, talking on the phone. DONNA [into phone] Thank you. JOSH Listen-- DONNA I got you on standby on a direct flight to Boca, where you can rent a car and th-- JOSH Cancel it. DONNA Why? JOSH I need a layover in Atlanta. DONNA [sighs] Of course you do. She begins to walk through the doors on her right, but Josh puts a hand on her waist and steers her in his direction. JOSH And I need to get there about an hour before an 8:00 flight would take off. DONNA That would be around seven? JOSH [pause] I hadn't done the math. I'm also gonna need some information on the DeKalb County DA, whose name is Farragut. Do me a favor, start with a recent photograph. And call my mother and tell her I'm gonna be late. DONNA Josh? JOSH Yeah? DONNA You call your mother. JOSH Right. CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - NIGHT Toby is packing up his things while Sam is again pacing outside the doorway. TOBY I should be able to at least fire paintballs at you while you do that. SAM [pause, stops pacing] It's harder to get elected if you feature the underclass. It's harder to help them if you hide them. TOBY Well what if we just recaliberate it to me everyone over 20,000 rich and everyone under 20,000 middle class? SAM Then they'd all vote Republican, wouldn't they? TOBY [picks up his jacket] Yeah. SAM I think when we get back from the weekend we should talk to Bruno. TOBY Why Bruno? [walks out] SAM Because I think if it's anything short of a torpedo in the side of the campaign, we should take it to Leo. I think even if it's torpedoing into the side of the campaign we should do it, but that's me, and I don't imagine I'd rally much support around that. TOBY No. SAM So we'll take it to Bruno. TOBY Yeah. SAM Thanks. TOBY [turns to leave] See you Monday. SAM Have a good Thanksgiving. TOBY You too. He opens the door and exits. CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT C.J. is sitting at her desk, chin resting on her hand, staring into space. Carol enters. CAROL Listen. C.J. What? CAROL Security's nervous. C.J. About what? CAROL The Indians in the lobby. C.J. No, about what? It's a lawyer and a Michigan wolverine. I think we can take them. We always do. [aimlessly throws a pencil across the room] CAROL Yeah, I'm just saying, security's gonna do their thing. C.J. [pause, sighs] I'll be there in a minute. Carol exits. C.J. remains in her seat, thinking. CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE GATES - NIGHT Bruno is walking out. Toby catches up to him. TOBY Bruno. BRUNO Hey. They begin walking together. TOBY You get hauled in? BRUNO Yep. TOBY And? BRUNO We had a conversation. TOBY [chuckles] Listen, the OMB's gonna come out with a recommendation for a new way to calculate the poverty level. BRUNO Show of hands? TOBY No. But the formula raises the poverty level 2,000 in change. BRUNO So what is it now? TOBY 20,000 a year. The problem is we're without a campaign and with 4 million new poor people. BRUNO That's the problem? TOBY Yeah. BRUNO Not that someone making 21,000 a year is considered comfortable? TOBY [looks at Bruno] We're working on that one, too. BRUNO You keep working on that, also the other thing. TOBY How? BRUNO The same way P.T. Barnum sold a truckload of white salmon. They stop walking and face each other. BRUNO By sticking labels on them that said "Guaranteed not to go pink in the can." I have this fish thing going on today. TOBY What the hell are you-- BRUNO Are you telling me this formula has been broken for years and the other guys haven't fixed it? [pause] Like that. Wanna get a quick drink? TOBY [turns to walk away] No, I've got neices and nephews and... we'll meet Monday on this, okay? BRUNO A truckload of white salmon...have you ever even heard of white salmon? TOBY No. [walks away] BRUNO I could sell anything. [walks away] CUT TO: INT. HARTSFIELD INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, ATLANTA, GA - NIGHT Josh walks from the escalator to a bar where MARK FARRAGUT is seated. Josh stands at the bar and a waiter comes over. WAITER Yes? JOSH Could I get a ginger ale, please? He puts his bags down and turns to Farragut. JOSH Excuse me, you're Mark Farragut, right? I'm Josh Lyman. FARRAGUT Yeah. Good to meet you. [They shake hands.] You know, it's funny, I just got a message from my office to call. JOSH Yeah. FARRAGUT Oh God, you didn't come all the way down here just to-- JOSH No, my mom lives in Florida. [sits] But just technically. FARRAGUT Sorry? JOSH Doesn't matter. FARRAGUT [sighs] The governor-- JOSH The Italians aren't worried about the governor, Mark. They're worried about you. FARRAGUT Italy can't tell me how to prosecute my case. And, no offense, Josh, but neither can you. JOSH You don't have a defendant. FARRAGUT You can't ask me to weaken my stance. JOSH I know. 'Cause the Georgia 4th is tough enough for a Democrat without appearing as if he's against the death penalty. FARRAGUT I'm not against the death penalty. JOSH I said appearing. The only way to combat that is with TV time. You are planning on running again, right? FARRAGUT Apparently you don't know much about my last campaign. JOSH You raised $232,000 in four months, but then the well dried up after you prosecuted a corporate polluter and got stuck as anti-business. You were left with 41,500 for the last two months and that was the ball game. They stare at each other. A voice comes through the airport announcing the boarding of a flight to Dallas/Ft. Worth. FARRAGUT [looks up to the ceiling towards the voice] That's my flight. JOSH [reaches into jacket and pulls out an envelope, then places the envelope on the bar top] Guarantee you won't seek the death penalty, and you'll have endless media to explain it to your district. FARRAGUT Josh, please don't tell me there's any money in that envelope. JOSH Well, in a manner of speaking. FARRAGUT Names. JOSH Yeah, three of them. None of them local. Do it, I'm telling ya, and all three of them will take your call. FARRAGUT I can win this time. JOSH Flight's boarding. FARRAGUT [shakes hands with Josh] Have a good Thanksgiving. JOSH You, too. Farragut rises, takes the envelope from the bar top, and leaves. The waiter comes back with Josh's ginger ale. WAITER Ginger ale. JOSH Thank you. He picks up the glass and drinks. CUT TO: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Bartlet is lying on a couch, reading a book. The door opens and Abbey, who is in a wheelchair, is wheeled in by a Secret Service member, Hal. Her leg is in a cast. ABBEY Hello. BARTLET Hi. ABBEY Thank you, Hal. Hal stops her by a chair, then leaves. ABBEY You summoned me? BARTLET Yeah, sorry about that. Listen, I'm sorry about this, too, but we have to change plans. ABBEY What do you mean? BARTLET We're gonna have dinner here at the White House. Charlie's calling everybody. ABBEY Why? BARTLET [removes his glasses] I've seen some polling information. The numbers are staggering. The people are looking for steadiness. For a father figure. They like it when I'm here. [puts glasses back on] ABBEY You can't be a father figure at Camp David? BARTLET I guess not. ABBEY This is ridiculous. You can't change plans on people at the eleventh hour. BARTLET It's no problem. ABBEY Of course it's a problem. When you're in the White House, there's an entire staff that has to be here. Now they can't go home. BARTLET It's their job. ABBEY It's Thanksgiving! BARTLET I've got polling numbers. ABBEY Which say Camp David is fine. BARTLET [snaps book close and removes glasses, pointing them towards Abbey] J'accuse! [stands] ABBEY [puts her hand to her forehead] Oh, brother. BARTLET J'accuse, mon petite fromage! ABBEY You speak four languages. How come none of them is French? BARTLET Nothing's wrong with my French. ABBEY You just called me your little cheese. BARTLET [pause] That's right! ABBEY They came to me. They said, "What do you think about having Thanksgiving at Camp David instead of New Hampshire?" They told me why, I said fine. BARTLET And what part are you leaving out now? ABBEY The part where I lied to you. BARTLET Yes! ABBEY Yes! I do that sometimes. Sometimes I don't wanna go fifteen rounds on Bess Truman and what constitutes a farm. On your behalf, I have responded to polling information telling me what I should wear, and what I should say, to say nothing of the fact that I have been subpoenaed to answer questions before Congress on how I secretly kept you alive. So explain to me now how what I did was out of line. BARTLET [puts his hands in his pockets] You know what? It was. ABBEY [pause] I know. Bartlet walks over to the chair Abbey is seated next to and sits down. BARTLET Well, with the ingredients for stuffing, you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey, and you're not gonna know whether I did or not. ABBEY I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first. BARTLET Me, too. CUT TO: INT. LOBBY - NIGHT C.J. enters to see Maggie and Jack still standing there. C.J. walks up to them. C.J. How many treaties have we signed with the Munsee Indians? MAGGIE Six. C.J. How many have we revoked? MAGGIE Six. C.J. What were the Munsees doing in 1778? MAGGIE Fighting in George Washington's army. C.J. And why aren't you in New York anymore? MAGGIE Because he marched us to Wisconsin. C.J. And whose land was it in the first place. MAGGIE [pause] Ours. C.J. [pause] I'm gonna have the park police escort you from the building, it'll take me a few minutes, so you can make whatever calls you need to make. Or, you can come back to my office right now, we'll make an appointment for Monday and the White House will cover your expenses. A pause. C.J. looks back and forth between them both as they silently make their decision. JACK Okay. C.J. Okay... what? JACK Okay, ma'am. C.J. [pause] No, okay or... MAGGIE We'll come back to the office. C.J. [begins to lead them back, then stops] How do you keep fighting these smaller injustices when they're all from the Mother of Injustices? MAGGIE What's the alternative? Pause. C.J. turns and leads them back to her office. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 3.05 – "The Indians In The Lobby" Original Airdate: November 21, 2001, 9:00 PM EST Transcribed by: Nicole, Musicczar, and Irene July 15, 2002