Toby (Richard Schiff) and Mandy (Moira Kelly) work to convince some congressmen — including the nervous Mr. Willis (Al Fann), who assumed his late wife’s office — to approve a commerce bill that includes a vital census-counting provision. The President’s daughter, Zoey (Elizabeth Moss) gets into an ugly fracas in a Georgetown bar along with Josh (Bradley Whitford) and Sam (Rob Lowe). Elsewhere, C.J. (Allison Janney) swallows her pride and asks Sam for help to understand the basic components of the administration’s stance on random census-taking in 2000, and a peeved President Bartlet (Martin Sheen) scolds Leo (John Spencer) when he learns that Leo’s wife has left him.
THE WEST WING 'MR. WILLIS OF OHIO' WRITTEN BY: AARON SORKIN DIRECTED BY: CHRISTOPHER MISIANO TEASER FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Bartlet and his staff are gathered around a table, playing poker. C.J. is dealing the cards. C.J. Nine, no help. Jack, no help. Eight, possible flush. King, possible flush. Ace, no help. Six, possible straight. Dave of love for the dealer. Ace bets. MANDY Check. SAM Check. C.J. Check. LEO Check. JOSH Check. TOBY [pause] Check. There's a long silence. C.J. Mr. President? BARTLET There is one fruit... The President's staff groans. TOBY Oh please... BARTLET There is one fruit... TOBY Mr. President, check or bet sir. Those are your choices. BARTLET There is one fruit... JOSH Or you should feel free to give us a quiz on inane trivia. BARTLET There is one fruit whose seeds are on the outside. Name it please. C.J. Is it the kumquat? BARTLET No. Everyone laughs. TOBY Check or bet sir? BARTLET I bet five. MANDY Call. SAM See it. C.J. Fold. LEO See it. JOSH Call. TOBY I see it. And I raise you five. EVERYONE Oooh... LEO Trouble... C.J. Mr. President? BARTLET It's the strawberry. EVERYONE Ah. MANDY Oh right. TOBY Well, thank you sir. I just raised your bet. BARTLET Yes you did Toby, and I thought it was a bold move when you consider that Leo's holding the six you're looking for. TOBY Do you call the raise sir? BARTLET That depends... JOSH Depends on what? BARTLET There are fourteen punctuation marks in Standard English grammar. Can anyone name them please? C.J. Period. JOSH Comma. MANDY Colon SAM Semi-colon. JOSH Dash. SAM Hyphen. LEO Ah... apostrophe. BARTLET That's only seven. There are seven more. TOBY Question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parentheses, braces and ellipsis. C.J. Ooh. JOSH Wow! TOBY Do you call the raise sir? BARTLET There are three words, and three words only in the English language that begin with the letters DW. JOSH This is a pretty good illustration of why we get nothing done. All laugh. BARTLET Can anyone name them for me please? SAM Three words that begin with DW? BARTLET Yes. SAM Dwindle. BARTLET Yes. TOBY Dwarf. BARTLET Yes. Everyone mumbles out different words. TOBY [to Sam] C'mon Princeton. We've got dwindle, we've got dwarf. BARTLET I see you five and raise you five by the way. TOBY Dwarf... dwindle. LEO Fold. JOSH Fold. C.J. Last card down. BARTLET 'Witches brew a magic spell, in an enchanted forest where fairies...' TOBY Dwell! Dwell, dwell! Dwindle, dwarf and dwell! BARTLET Well, the answer's correct but let's check with our judges and – oh no, I'm sorry, time's expired. TOBY What? What time? BARTLET My time. JOSH You have your own time? Everyone laughs. TOBY I call. BARTLET Trip nines. EVERYONE Ooh... TOBY Take your money sir. You'd dwell to report that to the I.R.S., report you as I will. LEO All right, I'm done. I'm gonna head home. BARTLET Kiss Jenny for me. LEO Yeah, I will. The staff begins to leave. JOSH Sam, I'm going back to the office, they've got the commerce report ready for me. What are you doing? SAM I was gonna go home. JOSH Sam, I'm going back to the office, they've got the commerce report ready for me. What are you doing? SAM I'm going to go back to your office with you and make sure you understand the commerce report. JOSH Thank you. SAM When I get through with you you're gonna know everything there is to know about standard data versus sampling data in the census. Bartlet and Leo walk into THE OVAL OFFICE. Charlie is seated on the couch. BARTLET Charlie, I'm headed over to the residence, you're done for the night. CHARLIE Thank you sir. I'm gonna stay a bit to do some paperwork. BARTLET Don't stay up too late son. C.J. [to Mandy as they walk in] How'd you do? MANDY 84 bucks. C.J. Most of that's mine. A door closes somewhere... MANDY What's that? Suddenly several Secret Service Agents burst into THE OVAL OFFICE. AGENT Excuse me Mr. President. I'm sorry the building's not secure. Would everyone stay in the room please? Sam and Josh are let in by another agent. JOSH This is happening way too often. LEO It's pledge week at the fraternities. The kids hop the fence. AGENT Would you mind stepping away from the doors and windows please? JOSH This whole room is doors and windows. LEO Josh. JOSH I'm cooperating. I'm cooperating. AGENT This will be under control in just a minute, Mr. President. BARTLET All right. [long pause] What body of water in South America is formed by the confluence...? TOBY Excuse me Wink Martindale? Do you really think this is the time? BARTLET Not quite up on your South American geography are you my friend? AGENT We're clear. BARTLET Saved by the bell. MANDY This is exactly the kind of thing that didn't used to happen at my old job. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - DAY Toby walks in. Cathy and Bonnie are in their desks. TOBY Cathy, I need a copy of Article 1, Section 2. CATHY Article 1, Section 2 of what? TOBY The Constitution. CATHY Is that something I'm supposed to have at my desk? TOBY Does anybody have a copy of the Constitution? [No one responds.] This is discouraging. CATHY Bonnie, would you get Toby a copy of the Constitution? BONNIE Is it still in print? TOBY Oh for crying out loud! Try Amazon.COM. If they don't have it then just bust into the glass display case at the National Archives! C.J. [comes up from behind] You shouldn't yell. TOBY Is it still in print, is what my staff would like to know. C.J. I'm here to see Sam. TOBY Go ahead. C.J. It's not a big deal, I'm just, you know, here to see him about something. TOBY What do I care? C.J. Absolutely no reason that you should. TOBY Okay. Toby walks into his office as C.J. walks into SAM'S OFFICE. Sam is busy talking on the phone. SAM [into phone] ...And the President's committed to vetoing any Commerce Bill that prohibits sampling data as a legitimate component of the 2000 Census, and I'm not saber rattling Jill, I'm just giving you a preview of what you're gonna get later with Toby. Yeah. I'll see you then. [hangs up and sees C.J.] Hey. C.J. Hey. That was all great... what you just said there. SAM What'd I just say? C.J. Not so much what you said, but the way you said it. SAM The census has to be taken seriously. C.J. Tell me about it. SAM You know... It's not glamorous, but you know. C.J. Sure. SAM You need something? C.J. Did you get a haircut? SAM No. C.J. You look good today. SAM Thank you. You too. C.J. New suit? SAM No. C.J. You look good. SAM What do you need C.J.? The two start walking from the office to the HALLWAY. C.J. A tutor. SAM A tutor? C.J. Yes. SAM What for? C.J. Sam, I read my briefing book last night on the commerce bill regarding the census and there are certain parts of it I don't understand. SAM I can help you out. Which parts? C.J. Well... all of it. SAM All of it? C.J. Yes. SAM You don't understand the census? C.J. I don't understand certain nuances. SAM Like what? C.J. Like, the census. SAM C.J., we've been working on this commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time. C.J. Yeah. Yeah. SAM Well...I don't understand. How could you-? C.J. I've been faking it. SAM You've been faking it? C.J. I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, important. SAM Ah-ha. C.J. And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying. SAM When? C.J. When what? SAM When did you come to this realization? C.J. About an hour ago. SAM Okay. Let's... I tell you what, let's forget the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the fact that you showed up at all. C.J. That's what I say. SAM Let's try it at lunch. C.J. Thank you. SAM You've been faking it? C.J. Yes. SAM To the President? C.J. I know. I probably shouldn't do that. SAM You think? C.J. I'll see you at lunch. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY Josh is standing at a file cabinet. Donna comes up from behind him. DONNA Hi. JOSH Hi. [starts walking, Donna following] DONNA Can I ask you a question? JOSH About what? DONNA The budget surplus. JOSH Go ahead. DONNA There's a 30 billion dollar budget surplus. JOSH It'll actually shake out to about 32 billion. DONNA Whatever. JOSH Well, you know what they say? DONNA What do they say? JOSH A billion dollars here, a billion dollars there. Sooner or later it starts to add up to real money. DONNA That's a nifty saying Josh. JOSH I didn't coin it or anything. DONNA We have a 32 billion dollar surplus for the first time in three decades. JOSH Yes. DONNA Republicans in Congress want to use this money for tax relief right? JOSH Yes. DONNA Essentially what they're saying is, they wanna give back the money. JOSH Yes. DONNA Why don't we wanna give back the money? JOSH 'Cause we're Democrats. DONNA But it's not the government's money! JOSH Sure it is. It's right there in our bank account. DONNA That's only because we collected more money than we ended up needing. JOSH Isn't it great? DONNA I want my money back. JOSH Sorry. DONNA We're not done with this. JOSH I didn't think so. Josh and Donna enter LEO'S OFFICE. Toby, Cathy, Mandy, Sam and Leo are gathered there. They are reading the Appropriations Bill. LEO Twelve million dollars to establish an Appalachian transportation institute. 1.5 million to study parking facilities at commercial truck stops. Three million dollars to produce a documentary on highway infrastructure. These are just some of today's additions to the Appropriations Bill. And that's just in the area of transportation. MANDY Two million dollars for a volcano monitor in Alaska to warn passing airplanes about ash? LEO By the way, the FAA doesn't know what that is! TOBY 550,000 dollars for New York State to restore the home of Susan B. Anthony. JOSH While we're at it, the tile in my shower could use re-grouting. MANDY Could somebody please remind me what's in this for us? TOBY Power zones, US rail, and Federal funding for 100,000 new public school teachers. MANDY Thank you. LEO How's this working? MANDY We have a meeting with Gladman and Skinner, and they represent two of the three swing votes on the Commerce Committee. LEO Swing votes in terms of the census? MANDY Yes. And if they agree to drop the sampling prohibition, the Appropriations Bill could pass without a problem. LEO Who's the third? MANDY The third? LEO You said three swing votes... Gladman, Skinner... TOBY Janice Willis' husband. LEO Right. TOBY Presumably he's gonna do what he's told. MANDY We're fine. LEO You sure? TOBY Tomorrow's the start of a three-day weekend and 435 congressmen want to make their flights home in the morning. LEO You think that'll do it? TOBY Oh, I know that'll do it. LEO What time's the meeting? TOBY 11 o'clock. LEO Just don't do anything to screw up or in any way embarrass me okay? JOSH Leo. Knute Rockne. Sometimes I get them mixed up. LEO Go. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY Bartlet and the head of the Secret Service, RON BUTTERFIELD, are seated on the couch. RON BUTTERFIELD If they hop the fence, they're going to jail. What they do once we get to them is what's gonna determine for how long. BARTLET What tripped the alarm? RON Well, there are alarms in the ground. [pointing to a map on the coffee table] Here, here, here here, here, here, and here. She tripped it here. BARTLET She? RON Yes sir. BARTLET It wasn't a fraternity stunt? RON No sir. It was a mentally unbalanced woman in her forties. BARTLET Well, you know, just trying to kill me isn't necessarily evidence of being mentally unbalanced! RON Sir, it appears from her statement...you weren't the target. BARTLET I wasn't? RON No sir. BARTLET Who was? RON Your daughter. BARTLET Zoey? RON Yes sir. BARTLET Leo. LEO [enters] Good morning Mr. President. BARTLET You know Ron Butterfield? LEO Sure. BARTLET He says it was a woman! LEO We spoke last night. RON We're still reviewing the frame-by-frame, Leo. LEO I'll get a report first thing? RON Yes sir. Mr. President, if I could excuse myself to the outer office I could make a call and see... BARTLET Of course. [to Leo] This woman was after Zoey? Ron leaves. LEO There were eight security checks between where the woman was and Zoey's bedroom. BARTLET There's no need for Zoey to know about this right? LEO No. BARTLET What do you need? LEO This may be the wrong time Mr. President, but I wanted to speak to you about... As the game was breaking up last night, you mentioned I should say hello to Jenny. Ron Butterfield walks back into the room. BARTLET Hang on a second. What've you got Ron? RON You'll be happy to know our security system worked exactly the way our security system's supposed to work. BARTLET Well, I guess that's something. RON Yes sir. LEO You'll send the full report? RON About two hours. BARTLET [to Leo] You were saying? LEO It can wait. BARTLET You sure? LEO Yeah. Good seeing you Ron. RON Thank you. LEO I'll see you in an hour sir. BARTLET [to Leo] All right, thanks. [to Butterfield] I guess we're done too. Leo leaves. RON I wouldn't lose a lot of sleep over it sir. BARTLET No, no. RON Good seeing you Mr. President. BARTLET You too. [pause] Ron? RON Yes sir? BARTLET Did she have a gun? RON Yes sir. BARTLET Okay. Thank you. Ron Butterfield leaves. CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY Mandy and Josh are seated inside pouring coffee. Congressmen GLADMAN, SKINNER and JOE WILLIS walk in. GLADMAN Josh, good to see you. JOSH Congressman. SKINNER Morning. JOSH Morning. GLADMAN Mandy, if I'd known you were going to be here I would have brought my sword and shield. MANDY Champagne and flowers would've done the trick. GLADMAN Have you met Joe Willis? JOSH No, we haven't. WILLIS My wife was Janice Willis. JOSH I know. WILLIS She passed away last month, so I've taken over her seat in Congress. MANDY Yes sir, we know. We're so sorry for your loss. WILLIS The White House sent flowers and the President wrote a very beautiful note. I wonder if you could pass along my thanks. JOSH We sure will, congressman. WILLIS Please, no, I'm not a congressman. I teach 8th grade social studies. This is only temporary so... Toby enters with entourage. Cathy and two other staffers are with him. They have with them a bunch of copies of the Appropriations Bill. TOBY Morning. Everyone got fruit. Everyone got bagels. Good, good. Christopher, Anthony, would you mind putting my copy of the Appropriations Bill on the table please. Thank you Christopher, thank you Anthony, and thank you Cathy. Gentlemen, why don't we take our seats? Congressman Skinner, welcome. Congressman Gladman, always good to have you here, sir. Congressman Willis, I was a great fan of your late wife. WILLIS Thank you. TOBY This represents the latest draft of the House Appropriations Bill. It is 7,000 pages long, and weighs over 55 pounds. It includes 1.2 million dollars for a lettuce geneticist in Salinas, California and 1.7 million dollars for manure handling in Starkville, Mississippi. GLADMAN Toby, you know that's what happens. TOBY Eight states will divide 5 million dollars to research the uses of wood. SKINNER Yeah we saw that one! TOBY I'm thinking of some uses for it right now. GLADMAN I thought we were here to talk about the census? JOSH We are. The White House just wanted to take this opportunity to point out that you're criminals and despots. GLADMAN Thank you. JOSH No problem. GLADMAN But that's not going to stop the President from signing the bill into law? JOSH No, sadly it won't. What will stop the President from signing the bill is the amendment your committee is offering on the census. MANDY The three of you represent the swing vote on the Commerce Committee. You drop the census amendment and the Appropriations Bill goes through without a hitch. Insist on the law prohibiting sampling and you can count on a long floor fight followed by an almost certain veto. TOBY I would like to emphasize the long floor fight of it all, and remind you that I have absolutely no conscience when it comes to exploiting the fact that you have non- refundable airline tickets for the weekend. With that in mind... WILLIS Ah excuse me. TOBY Yes sir? WILLIS I'm not leaving town. TOBY I'm sorry? WILLIS I'm not leaving town this weekend. I was gonna stay and see some of Janice's friends. So, there's no need to rush on my account. You can take as much time as you like. TOBY [long pause] Good, then. Let's talk. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY C.J. and Sam are walking towards her office. C.J. And you're gonna go slowly right? SAM Yes. C.J. Pretend for the purposes of this conversation that I'm dumb. SAM Let me try to conjure an image of you as a stupid person. C.J. You're cracking wise. I'm coming to you exposed and vulnerable. SAM This is your office. I'm coming to you. C.J. I meant symbolically. SAM Ah. They enter C.J.'S OFFICE and both sit. C.J. I'm a person saying there's something I do not know, will you teach me. It's hard to admit you don't know something. That makes me submissive. SAM What is it exactly that you're asking me to do? C.J. I'm admitting to you that there are things I do not know. SAM And I'm telling you that I don't think anybody would have any trouble imagining that there are things you do not know. C.J. Explain it to me. SAM The Constitution mandates that every ten years we count everybody. C.J. Why? SAM Because representation at the various levels of the government, federal, state and municipal, is based on population. The only way to find out how many congressmen California gets is to count the people in California. Got it? C.J. Can I just say that if the briefing book had been written that clearly, I would have easily understood? SAM We're not through yet. C.J. Okay. SAM The decennial census has always been done by a door-to-door head count. Some 950,000 professionals are hired. The process costs approximately 6.9 billion dollars. The process is also very inaccurate. It tends to be significantly disadvantageous to inner city populations, recent immigrant populations, and of course the homeless. C.J. You are a very good teacher, Sam. I want you to know that in this... SAM Your time of vulnerability? C.J. Yes. I appreciate it. SAM We're not done yet. C.J. Okay. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY Leo walks in to find Mallory there. LEO Oh! Hey, baby! MALLORY Hi, Daddy. [embraces him] LEO Can you stay long? MALLORY No. I just wanted to bring you some stuff from home. LEO Oh, you didn't have to do that. MALLORY I wanted you to have some stuff that you like. LEO I'm really fine Mal. MALLORY You're okay at the hotel? LEO I wanted Mom to have the house. MALLORY But you're gonna look for a place right? I can help you out on the weekends. LEO Mallory, this thing with your mother and me... it'll blow over. MALLORY No, it won't Dad. You understand that right? CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY Toby, Josh, Mandy, and the three congressmen are still discussing the census. MANDY This is a one-time experiment. GLADMAN This is a purely partisan issue Mandy. The Democrats want to win back the house! MANDY I'm not gonna deny that there's something for us to gain. Donna comes in and whispers something to Josh. SKINNER No, no, no. It's like you lost the battle but now you want to win. Skinner's voice fades out as Donna and Josh leave the room to the HALLWAY. Donna and Josh begin another walk and talk. JOSH Did he say what it was about? DONNA No. What's wrong with me getting my money back? JOSH You won't spend it right. DONNA What do you mean? JOSH Let's say your cut of the surplus is $700. I want to take your money, combine it with everyone else's money and use it to pay down the debt and further endow social security. What do you want to do with it? DONNA Buy a DVD player. JOSH See? DONNA But my $700 is helping to employ the people who manufacture and sell DVD players, not to mention the people who manufacture and sell DVDs. It's the natural evolution of the market economy. JOSH The problem is, the DVD player you buy might be made in Japan. DONNA I'll buy an American one. JOSH We don't trust you. DONNA Why not? JOSH We're Democrats. DONNA I want my money back! JOSH You shouldn't have voted for us. Donna walks away, and Josh walks inside the OUTER OVAL OFFICE. He sees Charlie and Mrs. Landingham. JOSH Hey Charlie. CHARLIE What's up Josh? JOSH Mrs. Landingham, I got a message he needed to see me? MRS. LANDINGHAM Yeah, go on in. Josh walks into THE OVAL OFFICE. Several people are in the room. Bartlet is on the phone. BARTLET [to the phone] Yes. Yes. Of course. [to Josh] I'm on a conference call with the postmaster general. JOSH What's it about? BARTLET I honestly couldn't tell you. JOSH Ah. BARTLET Look, I want you to do me a favor. JOSH Of course. BARTLET Take Charlie out for a beer tonight. JOSH Take him out for a beer? BARTLET Yeah. The kid has no life. You're the only guy around here he knows at all. Take him out for a couple of beers, you guys come back, we'll all watch the vote in Leo's office. JOSH Sure. BARTLET Good, thanks. Let me give you some cash. JOSH No sir, I don't need- BARTLET [puts hand in pocket] Don't be silly. JOSH I have money Mr. President. I'm fine. BARTLET You sure? JOSH Yes sir. BARTLET Truth be known, I don't have any cash on me. JOSH It's fine. BARTLET I don't carry cash anymore. I don't carry keys either. JOSH Well, I wouldn't think you'd need them sir. BARTLET How's it going in there? JOSH We'll see. BARTLET I appreciate it. JOSH Yes sir. [walks back out to the OUTER OVAL OFFICE and turns to Charlie] Charlie? CHARLIE Yes? JOSH You got plans tonight? CHARLIE No. JOSH You don't have to sit with your sister? CHARLIE She's having a sleepover at a girlfriend's. What do you want me to do? JOSH Have a beer with me. CHARLIE What do you mean? JOSH Tonight. We'll go to a bar in Georgetown. We'll speak as men do. CHARLIE We will? JOSH Yeah. CHARLIE Um... What kind of bar is this Josh? JOSH No... It's fine. CHARLIE Okay. JOSH Great. MRS. LANDINGHAM Josh, aren't you a little old to be leering at college coeds? JOSH I'm a Fulbright scholar Mrs. Landingham. I don't leer. Also, there'll be plenty of grad students there. MRS. LANDINGHAM Oh well. Good then. JOSH So I'll come get you? CHARLIE Okay. JOSH Great. Josh walks out into the HALLWAY. Mallory and Zoey come up from behind. ZOEY Josh! JOSH Hey. MALLORY Hey. ZOEY Take us with you. JOSH Where? MALLORY Out tonight. ZOEY Your plans with Charlie. JOSH How do you know I'm going out with Charlie? ZOEY My Dad just told us. MALLORY He said you should take us with you. JOSH The man is like a camp counselor. MALLORY Take us with you, Josh. Take us with you. JOSH Nope. ZOEY Why? JOSH These are plans among men. MALLORY We don't care if you flirt with the coeds. JOSH There's gonna be grad students there, can we keep that in mind? ZOEY Sounded kinda like an order Josh? JOSH Fine. MALLORY Bring Sam Seaborn. JOSH Sam's got enough going on in his life right now without you making a booty call. MALLORY I'm not making a booty call. We had an interesting conversation that got interrupted, and I'd like to finish it with him. JOSH Whatever. ZOEY This is gonna be fun. Mallory and Zoey leave when Josh reaches his office. JOSH The President's daughter, Chief of Staff's daughter, a Georgetown bar and Sam. What could possibly go wrong? [walks in] FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY C.J. and Sam are alone in the press briefing room. C.J. What's the problem with a straight head count? SAM Head counts have proven staggeringly inaccurate. C.J. Why? SAM How're you gonna count the homeless? There's a large and growing population of people who don't speak English. And there are plenty of people, particularly in the inner city, who don't want to answer questions when you knock on their door. Plus it's always been hard. Sampling, statisticians have told us, is a much more effective way of getting a good census. C.J. And what's the legal argument? SAM The legal argument is it's unconstitutional. The legal argument is it's law. C.J. But if sampling's really against the law, why would congress be trying to pass legislation saying sampling's against the law? SAM You see how good it feels to understand what you're talking about? C.J. And you see I'm able to do it without being patronizing? SAM What happened to 'You look good today?' C.J. I got over it. JOSH [comes in] Sam? SAM Yeah. JOSH I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming. SAM Sounds good. C.J. I like beer. JOSH If you want to come... I guess that'd be okay. C.J. Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet. JOSH Whatever. I'll see you later. [leaves] CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY Toby, Mandy, Gladman, Skinner and Willis are still discussing the amendment. MANDY In the last census, 8 million people, mostly black, weren't counted. And in the same census, 4 million people, mostly white, were counted twice. TOBY Sampling will give a count that bears a much greater relationship to reality and will do it to the tune of 4 billion dollars less than a door-to-door head count. MANDY Sampling will cost 2.7 billion. And an inaccurate head count will cost 6.9. TOBY Every single expert, including the census bureau itself, which is a bipartisan commission, has said sampling is better. GLADMAN We've heard these arguments many times, but in this country we have a constitution. TOBY We are aware of that. SKINNER The Constitution's very clear on this. TOBY I don't think it is. SKINNER Until a court rules that sampling is Constitutional- TOBY The article is arcane. SKINNER Come on, Toby. The article is not arcane. TOBY Let's take a look at it. SKINNER No. No. We don't have time- TOBY Let's take a look at it! GLADMAN Toby! None of us is a Constitutional scholar. And we honestly don't- MANDY It's not gonna take long! TOBY My staff managed to unearth a copy. SKINNER Toby, come on, we've been here for six- TOBY Mandy, would you read please from Article 1 Section 2? GLADMAN This is silly! TOBY Still, in all it is the owner's manual and we should read what it has to say! MANDY [reading] 'Representatives and direct taxes shall be apportioned among the several states, which may be included within this union according to their respective numbers. Which shall be determined by adding the whole number of persons including those bound to service for a term of years.' SKINNER Well you said it right there. It says which shall be determined by the whole number of persons. The whole number of persons! Not the end of an equation that some statistician got off a computer. It says so right there! TOBY Actually that's not what it says. SKINNER What do you mean? TOBY Mandy left out a few words. Didn't she Mr. Willis? WILLIS Yes. TOBY Mr. Willis teaches 8th grade social studies, and Mr. Willis knows very well what the article says. It says which shall be determined by adding the whole number of free persons. And three fifths of all other persons. Three fifths of all other persons. They meant you Mr. Willis. Didn't they? WILLIS Yes. TOBY Mr. Willis, you are asking to enact a law, which will limit the ability of those people who need to be counted the most, to be counted as people at all. And they're only refuge is the argument that Article 1, Section 2 is not arcane. GLADMAN Well, I think we're through here. I can report back to the Chairman of my committee, but I really don't think either he or the leadership is going to allow any one of us to change our vote. TOBY Congressman, you are talking about tying up an Appropriations Bill- SKINNER We don't need you to tell us what we're talking about, Toby. And waiting until the 11th hour to call this... MANDY Excuse me! What is this, the 4th time we've arranged this meeting? And by the way it's not... WILLIS I will. TOBY What sir? WILLIS I think we should drop it. GLADMAN Joe? WILLIS That's my choice right? SKINNER Joe, Joe...The chairman of our committee recommends that we- WILLIS No. I saw what he recommended, and I appreciate his help. But it's still my choice, right? TOBY Absolutely sir. It is your choice. WILLIS Well, then I change my mind. I think we should drop the census amendment and let the Appropriations Bill go through as is. GLADMAN Joe... WILLIS Until a court rules on whether sampling is constitutional. MANDY Well... then... excellent. SKINNER Well, looks like you snuck one in the back door eh, Toby? TOBY It got through whatever door was open to me. GLADMAN Well, we're gonna have to revisit this. MANDY Yes. GLADMAN Mr. Willis, do you need any help to find your way out? WILLIS No thank you. I think I can manage. TOBY Thank you gentlemen. Have a good weekend. Gladman and Skinner leave. MANDY [to Willis] Thank you. TOBY [to Mandy] Go tell Leo. Mandy leaves. TOBY Mr. Willis? WILLIS You can call me Joe. TOBY If you don't mind me asking sir, what changed your mind? WILLIS What do you mean? TOBY Well, I know it wasn't expediency sir. I was wondering what changed your mind? WILLIS You did. I thought you made a very strong argument. TOBY Well thank you. [laughs] I'm smiling because, well, around here the merits of a particular argument generally take a back seat to political tactics. WILLIS I can imagine. TOBY Yeah. WILLIS It worked on me. TOBY I was taking advantage of you sir. WILLIS I know. TOBY There are some things I did not mention. First of all, it is partisan. Second of all, I'm not wild about the precedent. WILLIS You mean? TOBY What's to stop us from saying we don't need elections, we'll just use polling data. 1150 people with the sampling error of plus or minus three will decide who runs the country. WILLIS I thought about that. TOBY And? WILLIS It's okay by me. As long as it's not the same people who decide what's on television. Toby, I'm not nearly as smart as my wife was. I went to night school cause I went to work pretty young. And I tried to understand the things Janice brought home from the office, but I wasn't in her league. I never understood what she wanted with a dummy like me. [pause] I think the problems that we're going to face in the new century are far beyond the Wisdom of Solomon, let alone me. But I think the right place to start is to say - fair is fair. This is who we are. These are our numbers. TOBY I'm sorry I never got to know your wife sir. WILLIS She would have liked you. TOBY Thank you. Thank you. WILLIS I've got a roll call. TOBY Nothing to it. They call your name, you vote yea. WILLIS Well, this is my first, and likely my only vote in the House of Representatives. TOBY Well good luck congressman. WILLIS Thank you. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Bartlet is getting ready to leave for the residence. Mrs. Landingham and Nancy are helping him. MRS. LANDINGHAM You wanted to read these with dinner. BARTLET Thanks. NANCY Would you like the Tokyo Exchange sent to your bedroom? BARTLET Yeah. Sure. MRS. LANDINGHAM And the call from the secretary? BARTLET Yes? MRS. LANDINGHAM Would you like it during the dining room? BARTLET I'll take the call wherever I am when he calls, I guess. MRS. LANDINGHAM There's no need to adopt a tone Mr. President. BARTLET I'm not adopting a tone. I'm just trying to get out of here. MRS. LANDINGHAM Would there be anything else sir? BARTLET I'm saying no. I just want to go home. MRS. LANDINGHAM And there's that tone again. LEO [walks in] Mr. President? MRS. LANDINGHAM Goodnight, sir. [exits] BARTLET Goodnight Mrs. Landingham. [to Leo] I heard it's done? LEO Yeah. Commerce will leave the census amendment in committee. Appropriations will pass, no problem. BARTLET Good. I'm headed over to the residence. LEO I needed to speak to you about something. BARTLET Sure. LEO I should have told you earlier but... I moved out of the house. Jenny's asking me for a divorce. BARTLET You're kidding me? LEO No. BARTLET Leo, you're kidding me?! LEO No! BARTLET What happened? LEO Nothing happened, Mr. President. It's just one of those... BARTLET Don't tell me nothing happened, Leo. I know you. I know Jenny. Married couples like you don't just get divorced. Not cause nothing happened! LEO Nothing happened! It's not like that. BARTLET I want to talk to Jenny. LEO Feel free. BARTLET I don't understand how this happened Leo. You and Jenny were happy! LEO Jenny was not happy. BARTLET Because you weren't spending enough time with her? LEO Yes, but that's not the... BARTLET Marriage needs attention Leo. It can't run on autopilot. Come on. It's not your prom date we're talking about here. We're talking about your family! LEO Well, Mr. President thank you for pointing that out. I tried to squeeze in as much time as I could between my wine-tasting club and running your White House. BARTLET You can't blame this on me. LEO I'm not blaming you for it sir. I'm not blaming anyone for it. It just happened, these things happen. BARTLET When did it happen? LEO Two weeks ago. BARTLET And you're just now telling me? LEO Honestly, I know how you feel about Jenny. I thought you'd think that somehow you were responsible for it, and you'd turn that guilt into an inappropriate anger toward me, which frankly, I can live without right now. [under his breath] I can't imagine what made me think all that... BARTLET [walks over to the door] Fix this, Leo. LEO It's not as simple as that. BARTLET It IS as simple as that. You're the man. Fix it. LEO Mr. President... BARTLET Fix it. LEO [angrily] Goodnight sir. BARTLET Goodnight Leo. Bartlet opens the door and heads toward the residence. Leo just stares at him and stands still. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. GEORGETOWN BAR - NIGHT C.J., Sam, Josh, Zoey, Charlie and Mallory are gathered around a table at a bar. There's a lot of people around. MALLORY [to Sam] So, your friend couldn't come tonight? SAM My friend, of course you're talking about...? MALLORY Your special friend. JOSH Sam does she know...? SAM My special friend. C.J. What special friend? JOSH [to C.J.] His special friend that Zoey can't know about. ZOEY The hooker! SAM [pause] Okay...She's not a hooker. She's a call girl. And how do you know about this? ZOEY Mallory told me. C.J. How does Mallory know about that? SAM I told her. C.J. You told our boss' daughter that you slept with a call girl? SAM I didn't know she was Leo's daughter at the time. I thought she was a schoolteacher who came in with her class. JOSH So you thought you were telling a complete stranger that you slept with a call girl? SAM [quickly] Accidentally slept with a call girl. Mallory, does your father know? MALLORY No. SAM Zoey, does your father know? ZOEY Not yet. SAM So this is gonna be a thing! MALLORY Zoey and I have decided that it's time we start collecting IOU's. SAM Ah... The waitress places some drinks on the table. C.J. She didn't bring my grasshopper. JOSH She didn't? C.J. No. JOSH Maybe she just felt really stupid ordering it. C.J. The grasshopper is a perfectly respectable... ZOEY [standing] I'll get it. C.J. I'll get it. ZOEY [quickly] I want to see them make it. [to Josh] Could you hold these? JOSH What? ZOEY Just lipstick and stuff. My panic button. Ruins the line of my outfit. JOSH Got it. ZOEY It's called a grasshopper? C.J. Straight up. JOSH Make sure they make it extra thick and green. Zoey walks to the bar. CHARLIE What is a panic button? MALLORY Oh, you don't want to know. I've seen it in action. C.J. The President is a very protective father. JOSH [to Charlie] So, you having a good time tonight? CHARLIE Yeah. I appreciate it. JOSH Seems like you're not really having a good time. C.J. He's having a good time! JOSH Well... CHARLIE Do you think they know I don't go to college? MALLORY Who? CHARLIE All these people. C.J. Charlie, you're twice as smart as anyone in the room. CHARLIE Yeah, but I don't go to college. JOSH Relax! C.J. See, you keep telling him to relax with this sense of urgency... JOSH I just want to make sure he's having a good time tonight. C.J. He's having a good time! You relax! JOSH I'm not being urgent. Meanwhile... Zoey is at the bar when three guys come up behind her, basically surrounding her. GUY 1 Hey. ZOEY Hey. GUY 1 Hi. Um...What's your name? ZOEY What? GUY 1 I said what's your name? ZOEY You're kidding right? GUY 3 Hey, he's just asking for your name. ZOEY I'm... GUY 1 Wait. Wait. Why don't we guess your name? All right? ZOEY Sure. GUY 2 All right, all right. Cause I bet we can guess it. Back at the table... JOSH I wouldn't say that there was urgency in my voice. I was simply asking if he was having a good time, and suggesting that if he relaxed... C.J. Well, maybe if you stopped pestering him like you were his great Aunt Ida... CHARLIE Excuse me one second. [stands and walks to the bar] C.J. Do you see what I'm saying? Back at the bar... ZOEY It's Cassandra! GUYS Cassandra! We were gonna guess. You ruined it. CHARLIE [coming up] Is everything all right, Zoey? GUY 2 Hey. He just called her Zoey. CHARLIE Come on, let's go back to the table. GUY 1 Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's up Sammy? CHARLIE Zoey? Zoey moves towards Charlie and the guys block her. GUY 1 Excuse me. Excuse me. We're just trying to buy the girl a drink man. CHARLIE She's 19 years old man. You'd have to take her to Maryland. GUY 3 Check out super fly. ZOEY Hey! CHARLIE Let's go. GUY 1 No. Why don't you go? Alright? CHARLIE Look guys. You don't know who this is. You don't want any trouble. Just be cool alright? GUY 1 Be cool. CHARLIE Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you. GUY 1 I understand what you're saying. You just want me to be cool alright? CHARLIE Can I buy you guys a round? GUY 3 Like LL Cool J man, like Ice Tea. GUY 2 Ice cube, Ice tray man. Back at the table... JOSH Why must you mock a perfectly natural brotherly instinct...? C.J. I'm not mocking it Josh, I'm saying maybe if you left the young man alone... Sam has been watching the bar and suddenly heads for it. C.J. [standing] Josh? JOSH [standing] I know. [picks up the panic button and heads towards the bar] GUY 1 Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us G-Funk? GUY 2 Dr. Huffy Puffy dread man, Dr Dolittle Man? CHARLIE Would you let us by please? GUY 1 No. What are you doing here with this girl? Huh? Huh? Cause you know what, to me you look to be Dr. Faggot! SAM [coming up from behind] Hey! What the hell is going on around here? GUY 1 Who the hell are you? SAM Kiss my ass. Zoey? ZOEY I'm fine. GUY 1 Kiss your what fairy poppins? SAM Charlie? CHARLIE Everything's fine. GUY 1 Hey, you want to go? SAM What? GUY 1 You want to go? Let's do it. Right now. Come on. JOSH [coming up from behind Charlie] How's everybody doin'? GUY 1 Oh good, more fairy boys. JOSH Excuse me? GUY 1 I said, more fairy boys. JOSH Oh, this is too good to be true. Mallory and C.J. come up behind Josh and Sam. GUY 2 [indicating Josh] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating Zoey] And she looks familiar too. JOSH Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night. GUY 1 Oh really, and who's gonna give it to us huh? AGENT Federal Agents! As Secret Service Agents pour through the door, Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys near the bar. SAM and JOSH Right here! The agents push the three guys against the bar as another agent ushers Zoey out. AGENT Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back. GUY 1 [to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you Sammy. CHARLIE My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball, you'll blow your splendid Spring Break in a Federal Prison. The agents take the guys out of the bar. CHARLIE [to Josh] NOW I'm having a good time. JOSH [tossing the panic button in the air] Well, my work here is done. CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM - NIGHT Zoey is sitting on a couch in the White House. Bartlet is standing. BARTLET What happened? ZOEY They told you what happened. BARTLET Did you do anything at all to provoke these guys? ZOEY Like what? BARTLET Were you flirting with them? ZOEY Dad! BARTLET Zoey, you flirt with guys. ZOEY Yes Dad, I am 19 years old. I was not flirting with these guys. And even if I was it certainly wasn't justification for their behavior. BARTLET So what were you doing? ZOEY I went to the bar to get a drink. BARTLET What the hell were you doing drinking? ZOEY I was getting a drink for C.J.! BARTLET I'm gonna up your protection. ZOEY No. BARTLET Yes. ZOEY Dad?! BARTLET Starting tomorrow. ZOEY I'm starting college in a month! BARTLET Well you'll have plenty of friends to walk you to class. ZOEY I don't want this Dad. BARTLET Zoey! ZOEY We talked about this. I'm entitled to this part of my life. BARTLET You're getting this part of your life. ZOEY I'm entitled to a normal... BARTLET Oh please. ZOEY Don't 'oh please' me. BARTLET Look, the Secret Service... ZOEY The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot. BARTLET They are worried about me getting shot. I'm worried about me getting shot. But that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is YOU getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club, and you get up to go to the restroom, somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth, and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified, you don't even notice the bodies of two secret service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise, and lots of people coming and going. And It's a half hour before someone says, 'Hey where's Zoey?' Another 15 minutes before the first phone call. Another hour and a half before anyone even THINKS to shut down all the airports. Now we're off to the races. You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack, somewhere in the middle of Uganda. And I'm told that I have 72 hours to get Israel to free 460 terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone pleading with Benjamin and he's saying, 'I'm sorry Mr. President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period. It's the only way we can survive.' So now we've got a new problem, because this country no longer has a commander in chief, it has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head. DO YOU GET IT?! ZOEY Yes. BARTLET [long pause] I'm sorry I yelled sweetheart. Forgive me. Honey, I want you to have your freedom and your youth. I want you to have common everyday experiences with girls your own age. But don't ever forget - this is a privilege, and it is an experience that must be cherished beyond measure. And proper protection and security, though at times I admit, it's a drag, is never too high a price to pay. ZOEY You're right, I'm sorry. BARTLET It's alright sweetheart. It's alright. They embrace. Bartlet kisses Zoey's forehead. ZOEY Goodnight. BARTLET Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you. ZOEY I love you too. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Leo is sitting on the couch in his office when Bartlet enters. BARTLET Don't get up! LEO Good evening Mr. President. BARTLET Hi. Before, when I was being an idiot, there was something I forgot to say. LEO What? BARTLET I'm sorry. LEO Thank you. BARTLET I would like unanimous consent to revise and extend my remarks. LEO Without objection. BARTLET I don't know what the hell was the matter with me, Leo. If there's anything I can do to help, anything? LEO Thanks. CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT Josh, Charlie, and Sam are sitting around the table. JOSH Let me tell you something, I could have taken the two guys on the left. SAM Those were my guys. JOSH Which guys? SAM The guys on the left. JOSH The guys on the left as you're facing the bar? SAM Yeah. No. No. So you're me, and facing toward the bar? JOSH Right. DONNA [enters with a box] Sandwiches. JOSH Thank you, Donna. Defending virtue is hungry work. DONNA I'll be at my desk. JOSH Ah, Donna? DONNA Yes? JOSH How much were the sandwiches? DONNA $12.95. JOSH I gave you a twenty! DONNA Yes. As it turns out you actually gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you. JOSH That was nice. That was a little parable. DONNA I want my money back. [leaves] SAM Yeah, so those were my guys. JOSH Okay, there's the one guy with the blonde hair? SAM Facing away from the bar? CHARLIE There were no two guys that either one of you could have taken. Josh and Sam look at Charlie. Bartlet opens a door and calls. BARTLET Josh? JOSH Yes sir. Josh stands and goes into LEO'S OFFICE. BARTLET What were you doing taking my daughter out to a bar? JOSH [pause] You told me to sir. BARTLET I told you to take Charlie. When Zoey said she was going I just assumed you were gonna go have malteds or something. JOSH Malteds, sir? BARTLET Yes. JOSH What is this? 'Our Town'? BARTLET Well anyway. Thank you for doing whatever it was you did. JOSH As a matter of fact, I didn't do anything. But for what it's worth I should tell you that Charlie didn't blink before he put his body between danger and Zoey. BARTLET [opens the door] Charlie? Sam, you come too please. BARTLET [to Josh] You know, I once played the stage manager in a production of Our Town. Charlie and Sam enter the office. BARTLET Charlie, you a good poker player? CHARLIE No sir. BARTLET Excellent, get your money out and take a seat. C.J. [enters] Is Josh being punished? BARTLET Punished? No. C.J. May I ask why not? BARTLET Because I said so. Mandy and Toby enter. BARTLET Good evening. TOBY and MANDY Good evening, sir. BARTLET Good work both of you. You bought us some time. MANDY Thank you, sir. TOBY I understand you all had a very interesting evening. JOSH Yes. TOBY So did I. JOSH What happened? TOBY I met an unusual man. BARTLET C.J., deal the cards. TOBY He didn't walk into the room with a political agenda. He didn't walk in with his mind made up. He genuinely wanted to do what he thought was best. He didn't mind saying the words I don't know. C.J. I said I don't know to Sam just this morning and I'd like to say I'm a better person for it. By the way, I now know everything there is to know about the census. Go ahead, you can ask me anything. BARTLET How many people live in the United States? C.J. could not respond. SAM There's some material we haven't covered yet. Everyone is now seated at the table except Toby, who is watching the T.V. in the corner of the office. JOSH Come on, Toby. Sit down. TOBY I just want to watch this. LEO We won it 40 votes ago. TOBY I just want to hear this one. ROLL CALL [on T.V.] Mr. Widen. Mr. Widen of Pennsylvania votes yea... Mr. Wilder. Mr. Wilder of South Carolina votes yea... Mr. Willis. Mr. Willis of Ohio votes yea. Toby lets out a sigh of relief as the roll call continues. ROLL CALL [cont.] Mr. Zantowski. Mr. Zantowski of.... DISSOLVE TO: END CREDITS. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 1.6 – 'Mr. Willis of Ohio' Original Airdate: November 3, 1999, 9:00 PM EST