Season 1 – Episode 15 – “Celestial Navigation”

Episode Summary:

Sam (Rob Lowe) and Toby (Richard Schiff) are dispatched to Connecticut for some damage control and to secure the secret release of President Bartlet’s (Martin Sheen) choice, Roberto Mendoza (Edward James Olmos) for the Supreme Court, who has been jailed for alleged drunk driving and resisting arrest. Meanwhile, Josh (Bradley Whitford) is a guest lecturer at a college class to talk about working for the President and he recounts the previous week’s flare-ups, which include: his feeble attempt to fill in as the White House spokesman at a press conference where he promises that the President has “a secret plan to fight inflation,” and the media glare that engulfs the African-American HUD secretary, Debbie O’Leary (CCH Pounder) who publicly labeled a prominent Republican as a racist.

Script:

THE WEST WING
'CELESTIAL NAVIGATION'
TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN
STORY BY: DEE DEE MYERS & LAWRENCE O'DONNELL JR.
DIRECTED BY: CHRISTOPHER MISIANO

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT
DAVID NESSLER, a lecturer, is standing on the stage. Students are taking
their seats.

NESSLER
Good evening. Welcome to the third installment of this year's Marjorie Dupont
lecture
series. I see by the size of the turnout that you're excited to meet tonight's
guest.
So let me spend some time...

Backstage, Josh is talking on the phone with Sam.

JOSH
What're you talking about?

SAM
He was arrested.

JOSH
For what?

Sam is standing outside on a street, talking on the phone.

SAM
Drunk driving, resisting arrest, and I think disorderly conduct.

JOSH
You think?

SAM
This thing's about 30 minutes old, Josh. I don't know exactly what happened.

JOSH
What do we know?

SAM
Mendoza doesn't drink.

JOSH
He's arrested for drunk driving.

SAM
Roberto Mendoza doesn't drink, Josh.

JOSH
How much does the press know?

SAM
They don't know anything.

JOSH
The cops haven't leaked it?

SAM
I swear to God, I don't think the cops know.

JOSH
They don't know that they've arrested Roberto Mendoza?

SAM
They don't know it's that Roberto Mendoza.

JOSH
I've got this thing now.

A cab pulls up and Sam gets in.

SAM
I got a cab. [to driver] The White House. [to Josh] I'll let you know what's
going on.

JOSH
Stay ahead of the pace, Sam, and have Toby page me. We don't even know if
this guy's
called a lawyer. Is he sitting in a jail cell right now? [beat] You're not
there
anymore, are you? I'm talking to no one at all right now. [closes phone]

Josh stands wait backstage. We can hear the lecturer telling the audience
about him.

NESSLER
...Beltway, where he worked as floor manager to the House Minority whip and
chief of
staff for Congressman Earl Brennan. After serving as senior political director
for Jed
Bartlet's Presidential campaign, he was appointed Deputy White House Chief
of Staff.
Please welcome Joshua Lyman.

The audience starts to applaud as Josh comes on stage. He shakes hands with
the lecturer.

JOSH
Thank you. Thank you very much.

NESSLER
Good to see you.

JOSH
Thanks David. Good to see you.

NESSLER
Have a seat. [They both sit.] Just slip that mike on there.

JOSH
[puts on mic] Here.

NESSLER
Josh, you're here to tell us what it's like to work for the President.

JOSH
I'll do my best.

CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Sam walks inside the office, where C.J. is waiting.

C.J.
What happened?

SAM
It's not as bad as you think, C.J.

C.J.
Was the President's nominee for the Supreme Court just arrested for drunk
driving?

SAM
Yes.

C.J.
Then it's pretty bad, isn't it?

SAM
Sure.

C.J.
I thought he doesn't drink.

SAM
He doesn't drink.

C.J.
He was tonight.

SAM
C.J., we've vetted the man. I'm not saying he's not a heavy drinker, I'm
saying he
doesn't drink.

C.J.
Then what was he pulled over for?

SAM
Driving while being...Hispanic.

C.J.
Does Toby know?

TOBY
[enters] I stepped off the edge of the world.

SAM
[to C.J.] Yes.

TOBY
Where'd this happen?

SAM
Wesley, Connecticut.

C.J.
Why'd he refuse the Breathalyzer?

TOBY
'Cause he's a crazy man who's out to ruin my life.

SAM
Toby?

TOBY
That's what he's out to do. Has anyone posted bail?

SAM
No.

TOBY
Why not?

SAM
They can't find a judge.

TOBY
Why not?

C.J.
It's not Cook County, Toby. It's Friday night in Wesley, Connecticut.

TOBY
Believe me when I tell you this, C.J. I will figure out a way to blame this
on you.

C.J.
I have no doubt about that.

LEO walks in.

LEO
Have someone find his lawyer and talk to him. Sam, there's an Air Force Lear
jet with
its motor running. Fly to Westchester County airport, rent a car, drive to
Wesley, and
get the next associate Justice of the Supreme Court out of jail. C.J.,
Sam sees one
reporter when he gets off that plane, I'm gonna blame you.

C.J.
Toby's got you covered there.

Sam and C.J. start to leave.

TOBY
I'm going with Sam.

LEO
Toby.

TOBY
The judge and I are gonna have an abrupt conversation.

LEO
I want my phone to ring once every 15 minutes. I want to know what's going on!

Toby, Sam and C.J. leave the office.

SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *

ACT ONE

FADE IN: INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT
The lecture series continues.

NESSLER
Josh, why don't you start by telling us about a typical day at the White
House?

JOSH
Well, the first thing I'll tell you is, there's no such thing. [audience
laughs]

JOSH [cont.]
There's a schedule and there's a structure to be sure, and to a certain
extent it starts
out as a 9-to-5 job, but you can pretty much count on it being blown to hell
by 9:30.
[audience laughs]

NESSLER
Give us an example.

JOSH
I-I'll give you an example from this week. In fact, the story I'm about to
tell you
all happened within the last 36 hours. Anyone who's been reading the papers
in the
last few days has probably been following along with what we call the news
cycle
that wouldn't end. Depending on how you look at it, it started either with
a cabinet
secretary losing her temper, a committee chairman baiting her during a hearing,
the
President answering a question he shouldn't have, a dentist appointment,
or me being
stupid. [audience laughs] For the record, I'd like to say that I don't think
it was
as much my fault as other people do. [audience laughs] One thing's for sure,
it
started out as a day that was supposed to trumpet the President's vision for
educational reform.

CUT TO: INT. PRESS BRIEFING ROOM - PREVIOUS MORNING
Sam, Toby, and C.J. are in the empty press briefing room, going over the
next briefing.

SAM
Give me the bullet points.

C.J.
I understand this stuff.

SAM
Excellent.

C.J.
I really do.

SAM
I have complete confidence in you.

C.J.
Thank you.

TOBY
Give him the bullet points.

C.J.
I feel bathed in your confidence as well, Toby.

TOBY
C.J.?

C.J.
Forgive student loans to people who become teachers – 

TOBY
And?

C.J.
 – and spend at least three years teaching in a rural or inner-city
school. Give cash
bonuses to people who leave other careers to become teachers and provide
federal money
for grants to individual school districts to use older, more experienced
teachers to
train younger, less experienced teachers.

TOBY
Should note that half of all new teachers quit in the first three years.

C.J.
It's right here on my index card, Toby. [shows him index card]

TOBY
Very good, then.

JOSH
[comes in the door] Toby.

TOBY
Yeah.

JOSH
Got a minute?

TOBY
Yeah.

Josh and Toby head out one door, as C.J. and Sam get ready to leave by the
other.

C.J.
Thank you both.

SAM
Hey, you know what?

C.J.
What?

SAM
What time is your briefing?

C.J.
Eleven o'clock.

SAM
We should push it to one o'clock.

Sam and C.J. leave the briefing room into the HALLWAY. Carol follows them
behind.

C.J.
I thought about that.

SAM
Do it after the bill signing. Let this be the story. Let's control the news
cycle.

C.J.
Carol, let's move the briefing to one.

CAROL
You can't.

C.J.
Why not?

CAROL
You have the thing.

C.J.
Yes, and this is a perfect excuse to postpone the thing.

CAROL
You really don't wanna do that.

SAM
You have a thing?

C.J.
I have a dentist appointment at noon.

SAM
What's wrong?

C.J.
Nothing's wrong.

SAM
C.J.?

C.J.
I'm experiencing some pain.

SAM
For how long?

C.J.
About a month now, but it'll go away by itself.

SAM
When?

C.J.
When I die, Sam. [to Carol] Carol, cancel the appointment. [walks into her
office]

SAM
Carol, set the briefing for two o'clock. Keep the appointment.

C.J.
Sam!

They enter C.J.'S OFFICE.

SAM
Your teeth are the best friends you got, C.J.

C.J.
They are?

SAM
You take care of them, they'll take care of you.

C.J.
When'd you start talking like this?

SAM
I'm nuts for dental hygiene.

C.J.
Go away. Now.

SAM
Okay. [leaves]

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Josh and Toby head for the Communications Office. Josh has just told Toby
some news.

TOBY
She called him a racist?

JOSH
She didn't use that word.

TOBY
What word did she use?

JOSH
Well, yes, she used that word.

Toby and Josh walk in the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE.

TOBY
Bonnie. Ginger.

GINGER
Yes?

TOBY
I want anything that might be on the wire already about the HUD Secretary
calling Jack
Wooden a racist.

BONNIE
You want it now?

TOBY
No, Bonnie, I want it at whatever leisurely pace you two feel...

BONNIE
I'm just asking.

TOBY
I want it now. [to Josh] On C-SPAN, she called him a racist?

JOSH
Nah, not just Wooden. She was pretty careful to include all
Republicans. [chuckles]

TOBY
Why are you good humored about this?

JOSH
She was baited.

TOBY
Don't care.

JOSH
She was baited and she was right.

TOBY
Good for her.

MANDY
[walks in, carrying a sheet of paper] Excuse me, Josh. Did you know that
Deborah O'Leary
called...?

TOBY
Is that a wire story?

JOSH
What's it say?

MANDY
[reads from paper] 'Wooden's lengthy recitation of problems confronting
public housing
drew an angry response from Secretary O'Leary.' Here's what she said:
''Public housing
has serious problems, Mr. Chairman, I don't deny that. But if you and your
colleagues
in the Republican party...''

TOBY
[groans] No!

MANDY
[continues reading] ''...were as invested in solving the problems associated
with poverty
as you are in scoring political points on the backs of poor people and
minorities, you
might just see the value.' 'Are you calling me a racist?' Wooden shot back.'

TOBY
'Of course not,' she answered wisely?

MANDY
[reading] ''If the shoe fits,' responded the secretary.'

TOBY
Well, wasn't that clever of her? [goes in his office]

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT

JOSH
Donald Morales, who is the spokesman for the Department of Housing and Urban
Development,
and who was wishing he hadn't gotten out of bed that morning, confirms what
happened.
Now there's the matter of telling the President.

CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - PREVIOUS MORNING
Bartlet is just reading the story. Toby, Josh, Sam and Leo are with him.

BARTLET
'If the shoe fits!'

TOBY
Gets a little bit worse, actually.

BARTLET
[reading] 'When reporters confronted Secretary O'Leary in a hallway outside
the hearing
room, she defended...' Oh come on!

LEO
Don't worry about it.

BARTLET
Leo!

LEO
I'll take care of it. [to staff] She on her way here?

JOSH
She'll be here in half an hour.

CHARLIE
[knocks and comes in] Mr. President?

BARTLET
Yeah. [to staff] Let's go. [They all head out of the Oval Office.]
'If the shoe fits.' Is that the best she could do?

LEO
Of her many transgressions, Mr. President, let's not worry about she resorted
to clichE.

They all walk in THE MURAL ROOM, which is full of reporters.

HERALD
Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT
Josh continues to talk.

JOSH
The President spoke briefly. [pause] The President has never spoken briefly
in his life!
[audience laughs] But, he spoke. He signed the bill. He gave away the
pens. Then he took
a few questions from the press. Now, before I go on, it should be pointed
out that
according to every poll conducted in the universe, the issue that concerns
Americans
more than any other is education. Now, The President has just signed off on
$700,000,000
in new money for education and announced a plan of aggressive education
initiative.
What do you suppose the first question from the press was?

CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM - PREVIOUS MORNING

DANNY
Mr. President, do you agree with Secretary O'Leary that Congressman Wooden
is a racist,
and if not, do you plan on asking for her resignation?

The President is sitting at a desk in the Mural Room, with Toby, Sam, Josh
and Leo
standing beside him. Danny is part of the group of reporters surrounding
them.
Cameras flash everywhere.

BARTLET
Let me say that I have great confidence in Deborah O'Leary. She's done a
terrific job
at HUD, helping thousands of people make the very difficult transition from
joblessness
and homelessness to more fulfilling and productive lives.

Other reporters start to ask questions, but Danny cuts them off.

DANNY
I'm sorry, Mr. President. You didn't answer the question.

BARTLET
I was hoping you weren't going to notice that, Danny.

DANNY
I did, sir.

BARTLET
Then I will tell you that I agree the Republican Party does not have a
comprehensive
program for combating poverty in this country. That being said, there are
countless
Republicans who are working very hard to change their party's legacy on some
of these
issues. And I hope to be working with them to do just that.

Reporters start asking questions again, but Danny takes over once again.

DANNY
I'm sure that was an answer to some question, Mr. President. It just wasn't
the answer
to mine.

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT

JOSH
If only we'd stopped it right there. If only we'd said, uh, 'Sorry, The
President
can't take any questions right now,' or, uh, 'We'll cover this in a briefing,'
or,
'The building is on fire!' [audience laughs] But for some reason, it took
us all a
moment to realize that there was no Press Secretary in the room.

CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM - PREVIOUS MORNING
Bartlet continues to answer Danny's question.

BARTLET
Frankly, I think she went too far in assigning motive to Congressman Wooden
and the
Republican Party.

REPORTER 1
Will you be speaking to her?

BARTLET
She'll be meeting with Leo McGarry.

REPORTER 2
Will he ask her to apologize?

BARTLET
An apology'd be appropriate.

Leo and Josh have just realized what Bartlet just said.

LEO
Oh, get him off.

JOSH
[fakes cough] Sam!

SAM
[steps forward and addresses the room] Folks, all this is gonna be covered
in the two
o'clock briefing. The President's late for lunch with the U.N. ambassador. I'm
sorry.

BARTLET
[to reporters] Thank you everyone. [gets up and they head back towards the
Oval Office]
That went pretty well.

LEO
We'll fix it.

TOBY
Sam.

SAM
Yeah?

TOBY
The U.N. ambassador is in Portugal.

SAM
Okay. My bad.

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT

JOSH
Eight words. 'The President's not taking any questions right now.' If we'd
just stepped
in 30 seconds sooner.

Josh's cellphone rings.

JOSH [cont.]
That's me. I'm sorry. I, uh-there's a thing. I have... I have to answer this
now. This'll
just, uh, take a second. This is weird, I know, but, uh, anyway...

Josh takes off his mike, goes BACKSTAGE, and answers his phone.

JOSH
Yeah.

TOBY
Yeah, it's me.

JOSH
Are you there yet?

CUT TO: EXT. CONNECTICUT HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Sam is driving a car, and Toby is in the passenger seat.

TOBY
We're lost.

JOSH
You're lost?

SAM
We're not lost.

TOBY
You're from Connecticut. What exit do we want for Wesley?

JOSH
What?

TOBY
We missed the exit.

SAM
We didn't miss the exit.

JOSH
Toby, I'm kind of in the middle of something here.

TOBY
Just tell me.

JOSH
You bet buddy.

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - CONTINUOUS

JOSH
Call me when you know something. [closes his phone and gets back to his seat]
Sorry about that.

NESSLER
Can you tell us what that was about?

JOSH
The, uh, trade deficit. Where was I?

NESSLER
If you'd only gotten there 30 seconds sooner.

JOSH
The day would've gone a lot differently. The President had said that Secretary
O'Leary
should apologize. The press wanted to know if she would be fired if she
didn't and we
didn't have an answer. She was coming up to the White House for a
showdown. This was
what the day was about now. And the day was about to get worse...because I
was about
to step to the plate.

FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *

ACT TWO

FADE IN: EXT. CONNECTICUT HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Toby and Sam are still in the car.

TOBY
We're going the wrong way.

SAM
No, we're not.

TOBY
We're supposed to be going east.

SAM
We're going east.

TOBY
How do you know we're going east?

SAM
The sun rises in the east.

TOBY
It's dark outside!

SAM
Also, that bright star in the northern sky is Polaris.

TOBY
So what?

SAM
I'm using celestial navigation.

TOBY
Hey, Galileo, get off at the next exit and turn the car around.

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT
Josh continues to tell his story.

JOSH
Secretary O'Leary was told that Leo McGarry wanted to see her as soon as
possible.
There was no question that she was going to be angry about the President
publicly
asking her to apologize, but at the moment, that was Leo's problem.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON
Leo is talking to the Housing and Urban Development secretary, DEBORAH
O'LEARY.

O'LEARY
I can't believe he did that, Leo.

LEO
Debbie.

O'LEARY
How could he?

LEO
You're pissed at us?

O'LEARY
How could he publicly demand that I apologize without hearing my side of
the story first?

LEO
We blew the press today, we'll come to that. But Debbie, I've got videotape
of your side
of the story.

O'LEARY
The man's a racist.

LEO
Maybe so...

O'LEARY
Maybe!

LEO
Debbie.

O'LEARY
He's using his government authority to spit at poor people and minorities,
which in his
mind are the same thing.

LEO
Look...

O'LEARY
He's doing it because he can. He's doing it because he can score points with
his
narrow-minded constituents.

LEO
His narrow-minded constituents are also our narrow-minded constituents.

O'LEARY
Oh, for crying out loud, Leo. [yells] When are you guys gonna stop running
for President?

LEO
When angels dance on pinheads, Debbie. We need their votes on any number of
issues,
including, by the way, the budget for the department of Housing and Urban
Development.

O'LEARY
Attacking HUD is code for attacking blacks.

LEO
[dryly] Thanks. Having been born yesterday on a turnip truck...

O'LEARY
Do you not think it is my role as the highest-ranking African-American woman
in government
to point out that...?

LEO
I think, Debbie, your role first and foremost is to serve the President--a
task today at
which you failed spectacularly.

O'LEARY
Leo...

LEO
You're gonna apologize.

O'LEARY
[thinks for a moment] I'm sorry.

LEO
Not to me, Debbie.

O'LEARY
Look, I called it like I saw it.

LEO
Well, now you're gonna apologize for it.

O'LEARY
I can't.

LEO
You can.

O'LEARY
I won't.

LEO
[forcefully] You will.

O'LEARY
Is that an order?

LEO
You're doing great work, Deb. The President's nuts about you, always has
been. He'll cry
for three minutes after he fires your ass and then he'll say 'What's next?'

O'LEARY
Leo, if I've gotta go and ask Wooden for forgiveness, he's gonna lord it
over me from now
until the end of time.

LEO
It's the cost of doing business.

O'LEARY
[gives in] Done.

LEO
Deb, he's been trying to provoke you for months. When you give in to him,
you surrender
the high ground.

O'LEARY
How did it happen?

LEO
You forgot what your grandfather taught you.

O'LEARY
What was that?

LEO
'Never argue with a drunk or a fool.'

O'LEARY
Is the President very angry with me?

LEO
Mostly he's upset that you couldn't come up with anything better than 'if
the shoe fits.'
[both chuckle] Good luck.

O'LEARY
Thank you. [leaves]

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT

JOSH
So that should've been it, right? C.J. Cregg does the two o'clock briefing,
tells them
Secretary O'Leary has an apology for Congressman Wooden. All questions on
the matter will
be handled by her spokesperson, Donald Morales, and redirects their attention
to the 700
million bucks of yours that we just spent on teachers.
[pause] Who here has had emergency root canal?

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON
C.J. knocks at the door. She has a swollen cheek and is speaking out of the
side of
her mouth.

JOSH
Yeah.

C.J.
[muffled] Josh.

JOSH
What the hell happened?

C.J.
I had woot canaw.

JOSH
What happened to your cheeks?

C.J.
I had woot canaw.

JOSH
Why are you talking like that?

C.J.
[louder] I had woot canaw!

JOSH
Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.

C.J.
I can suggest some othew things you can do wiff yourseff.

JOSH
Are you in pain?

C.J.
[shouts] I had woot canaw! [grabs her jaw with a pained expression]

JOSH
You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so
ridiculous.
[walks out into the bullpen with C.J. following him]

C.J.
I have to cancew the bwiefing.

JOSH
You can't cancel the briefing.

C.J.
Wook at me.

JOSH
You'll be great.

C.J.
I can't do the bwiefing.

JOSH
Why not?

C.J.
I can't even say 'bwiefing.'

JOSH
You can't cancel the briefing, C.J. You got to wrap up O'Leary, you got to
move them back
to the bill signing.

C.J.
Yoshua!

JOSH
Sorry, did... did you just say my name?

C.J.
You weally think I can do it?

JOSH
Don't be insane, C.J. You're not going to a press briefing looking like
Bullwinkle.

C.J.
Oh, so once again you'we just hawing a wittle fun!

JOSH
Yeah.

C.J.
Ha ha ha ha ha.

They head back into JOSH's OFFICE.

JOSH
When can you take the cotton out?

C.J.
Two houws. I'w have Cawow cancew the bwiefing.

JOSH
No, we're still doing it.

C.J.
Who?

JOSH
Me.

C.J.
No way!

JOSH
C.J.?

C.J.
You get howstiwe.

JOSH
I get... hot stuff?

C.J.
Howstiwe. Howstiwe. You get howstiwe!

JOSH
I don't get hostile! I don't get randomly hostile, I get hostile when
hostility's
called for.

C.J.
Wet Sam do it.

JOSH
Sam went to Foggy Bottom.

C.J.
What's he doing in Fwoggy Bowtew?

JOSH
[laughs] I just wanted to see if I could make you say 'Foggy Bottom.' Sam's
working with
the speechwriters.

C.J.
Toby?

JOSH
Toby's with Leo and the President.

C.J.
Josh...

JOSH
[pulls on suit jacket and heads out] Hey there cats and kittens. This is
Josh Lyman
coming at you with your two o'clock briefing!

C.J.
Josh, pwease be vewy cawefuw. Twy vewy, vewy hawd not to destwoy us.

JOSH
You shouldn't say that C.J., you've got a great body... Here we go. Woo!

CUT TO: INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON
Carol is speaking into the P.A. system. Josh comes in and is stopped by Danny.

CAROL
Please take your seats, we'll start the briefing. Please take your seats.

DANNY
Josh.

JOSH
Hey, Danny.

DANNY
You're not gonna do this.

JOSH
Do the briefing?

DANNY
You're not gonna do this.

JOSH
I talk to reporters all the time.

DANNY
You really don't want to do this.

JOSH
Let me tell you something, mi compadre. You guys have been coddled. I'm not
your
girlfriend, I'm not your camp counselor, and I'm not you sixth grade teacher
you
had a crush on. I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale and I believe that my
powers of
debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House Press
Corps.
[heads to the podium]

DANNY
Okey-dokey.

CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON
C.J. is watching the briefing on the T.V.

JOSH [on T.V.]
Good afternoon, everybody. Would you take your seats. Uh, C.J. has a dental
emergency,
so I'll handle the briefing today.

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT

JOSH
I'd like to say a couple things in my own defense. First of all, everything
was fine.
I dispensed of the Deborah O'Leary matter with ease and poise. I opened the
room up to
questions while imposing a discipline I felt had been lacking in C.J.'s
briefings.

CUT TO: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON
Josh is at the podium doing the briefing.

JOSH
I'm gonna take one question a piece.

MIKE
Josh!

JOSH
Mike.

MIKE
When was the last time the President has a cigarette?

JOSH
Mike, you sure you want your one question to be that stupid?

CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
C.J. is still watching the briefing. A reporter, Katie, remarks on Josh's
response.

KATIE [on T.V.]
It's not a stupid question, Josh.

C.J.
Oh my God.

KATIE [on T.V.]
If the President's going to continue to be so adamantly anti-tobacco, why
is it
unreasonable to ask if he's a smoker?

CUT TO: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

JOSH
The President quit smoking years ago.

KATIE
He bummed a cigarette from me on Air Force One two days ago.

CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

C.J.
Oh my God.

CUT TO: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

JOSH
Well, then, uh... Jonathan.

JONATHAN
So, you're not gonna answer Katie's question?

JOSH
I'll look into it. Danny?

DANNY
Josh, your comments were that the continuing drop in unemployment will create
increased
pressure on wages. In effect, driving them up. Is the President worried that
this could
lead to a resurgence of inflation?

JOSH
Let me emphasize the President is pleased that unemployment has dropped
another point five
percent as a result...

DANNY
I'm sure we all join the President in his joy, but I'm wondering if the
President has a
plan to fight the resulting inflation.

JOSH
The President will do everything in his power to maintain the robust economy
that has
created millions of new jobs, improved productivity and kept a lid on
inflation.

KATIE
But he has no plan to address inflation specifically?

JOSH
Twenty-four PhD's and a Counsel of Economy Advisors, Katie. They have a plan
to fight
inflation.

DANNY
Is the reason you won't tell us about it that it's a secret?

JOSH
[sarcastic] Yeah, Danny. We have a secret inflation plan.

CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

C.J.
[now cringing] Oh my God!

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT

JOSH
I guess that's pretty much when the wheels came off the wagon.

NESSLER
Josh, right here is a good time to take our break. Everybody, let's stretch
our legs for
five minutes. Sign-up sheets for 202 are in the lobby. If you smoke,
apparently you can
bum a cigarette on Air Force One. Let's have a hand for our guest Joshua
Lyman.

The audience applauds.

CUT TO: INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Josh comes out of the lecture hall into the lobby, where students are standing
around.
He dials his cell phone.

STUDENT
You're great.

JOSH
Thanks.

CUT TO: EXT. CONNECTICUT HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Toby and Sam are still in the car. Toby's phone rings. He answers it.

TOBY
Yeah.

JOSH
What's going on?

TOBY
Sam feels we're zeroing in on it.

JOSH
You haven't found it yet?

TOBY
We've been navigating by the North Star, which turned out to be the Delta
shuttle from
LaGuardia. It's a miracle we're not in Nantucket right now. [glares at Sam]

JOSH
Toby, how hard can it be to find the Wesley police station?

TOBY
I don't know, Josh, but while we're looking, can you tell me a little more
about the
President's secret plan to fight inflation?

JOSH
How long until you let up on me on that?

TOBY
Oh, it's gonna take a little while I would think.

JOSH
Call me when you know something. [hangs up]

SAM
There's a store open up there. I'm gonna pull over and ask 'em if they know
where the
Wesley police station is.

TOBY
Or you could just pull in there, [points] at the Wesley police station and
ask them.

SAM
Hey!

TOBY
Yeah.

SAM
Look!

TOBY
Yeah.

SAM
We found it!

TOBY
Let's get this done and get outta here.

They pull into the parking lot at the police station. They get out of the car.

FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: INT. WESLEY POLICE STATION - NIGHT
Sam goes up to the desk, where OFFICER PETER is reading the newspaper. Toby
hangs back
and paces.

SAM
Good evening.

OFFICER PETER
Evening.

SAM
[shows I.D.] My name is Sam Seaborn. I work for the President of the United
States.
Is your watch commander around?

OFFICER PETER
Is this a joke?

SAM
No.

OFFICER PETER
You walk in here. You tell me you work for the President.

SAM
[looks at officer's name tag] Officer Peter, we're in a certain amount of
trouble tonight
and the only thing I've got going for me is that you're in more trouble than
we are.
My name is Sam Seaborn, I work for the President and the sooner you reach
the conclusion
that I'm telling you the truth the better off we're all gonna be. Why don't
you go get
your watch commander?

Officer Peter goes out of the room. Sam turns to Toby.

SAM
Let me tell you something. If we'd stayed on the Merritt parkway instead of
getting
of at exit 29 and going east to Greenwich, I don't think we'd wound up in
Bridgeport
so many times.

TOBY
Shut up.

Officer Peter comes back with SERGEANT McNAMARA.

SERGEANT McNAMARA
I'm Sergeant McNamara. Can I help you folks?

SAM
Sergeant, I'm Sam Seaborn. I'm the Deputy White House Communications
Director. That's my
boss, Toby Ziegler. [gestures to Toby]

SERGEANT McNAMARA
I'm not really in the mood for a joke right now.

SAM
I know how you feel. You have Roberto Mendoza locked up back there.

SERGEANT McNAMARA
Sir, please state your business here, or I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

SAM
My business is to tell you to unlock the cell and give me Mendoza.

Officer Peter looks down at the newspaper in the table and tried to interrupt.

OFFICER PETER
Sergeant?

SERGEANT McNAMARA
You come in here at ten o'clock at night, and you tell me you're with the
White House,
and I'm just supposed to...

OFFICER PETER
Sergeant!

Officer Peter shows the sergeant the newspaper. On the front page is a
picture of
President Bartlet with Toby. The caption reads 'President Bartlet Drafts
Letter to
Senate Leaders.' They look up at Toby, who just smiles.

SAM
Sergeant, you've arrested a federal judge who's the President's nominee for
the U.S.
Supreme Court.

The police phone rings.

SAM [cont.]
You should get that. That's gonna be the Governor of Connecticut.

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT
The lecture break is over, and Josh is talking again.

JOSH
Danny Concannon had thrown me a knuckle ball in the dirt, which I'd taken
a big swing at
and - just like that - the President had a secret plan to fight inflation.

CUT TO: INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON
Josh is still behind the podium, answering questions.

REPORTER 1
Josh, when will the President unveil his secret plan?

JOSH
There is no secret plan!

REPORTER 2
You said...

JOSH
[laughs] I was talking to Danny. I was kidding!

REPORTER 3
These are people's jobs we're talking about, Josh. You wanna give us a
straight answer?

JOSH
[looks flustered] I honestly can't remember the question.

CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
C.J. groans and takes some painkillers.

REPORTER 3 [on T.V.]
Given the reduction in unemployment, does the President have a plan to fight
the ensuing
inflation?

CUT TO: INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

REPORTER 4
And if so, why is he keeping it a secret?

Josh looks befuddled as Danny smiles triumphantly.

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON
Josh leaves the Briefing Room. Carol is standing at the door and gives him
a dirty look,
while Donna rushes up to him. They head for his office.

DONNA
Oh my God, Josh. I mean, oh my God!

JOSH
I can fix this.

DONNA
How?

JOSH
I can fix this.

DONNA
I don't think you can.

JOSH
[yells] This'd be a great time to feel a little support from you, Donna!

DONNA
You have my support, Josh.

JOSH
Do I?

DONNA
Yes.

JOSH
Okay, good, that's a start. Tell me what you think I should do right now.

DONNA
Go into your office and come up with a secret plan to fight inflation.

JOSH
[yells] That's support?!

They come around the corner to see C.J. standing in the door of JOSH'S OFFICE.

C.J.
[yells] Joshua!

JOSH
Yeah, that's the face I wanted to see right now.

C.J.
What the heww happened in thewe?

JOSH
C.J....

C.J.
You compwetewy impwoded!

JOSH
What'd I do?

DONNA
[translates] You completely imploded.

JOSH
I wouldn't say completely.

C.J.
You wewe vague, you wewe howstiwe, you wewe bewwigewant!

Josh looks confused.

DONNA
[translates] Belligerent.

C.J.
You know what it's gonna take fow me to fix this?

JOSH
I'm gonna fix this.

C.J.
No, you'we not. You awe not evew awwowed in my pwess woom again!

JOSH
Donna, call up Toby's office and see if he was watching.

As Donna leaves, they hear Toby yelling from the hall.

TOBY
[yells] Where the hell is he?

JOSH
Never mind. [to C.J.] Support me on this.

C.J.
No.

JOSH
Thanks. [Toby walks in.] Toby...

TOBY
Have you fallen on your head?

JOSH
Listen...

TOBY
Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?

JOSH
I feel really bad about this.

TOBY
You do?

JOSH
Yes.

TOBY
[sarcastic] Oh, well then I guess that's all that really matters.

JOSH
Hey!

TOBY
That was some very good television, Josh, and I think four network news
directors will
bear me out on that tonight.

JOSH
I really think this isn't as bad as you're making it out to be.

C.J.
A secwet pwan to fight infwation!

TOBY
Okay, C.J., for a little while you're gonna have to write it down.

SAM
[bursts in] We have a problem.

TOBY
No kidding!

SAM
Not Josh.

JOSH
Praise God.

SAM
Although I've gotta say, telling a reporter his question's stupid's not like
a page out
of Dale Carnegie or anything.

JOSH
Thank you.

TOBY
What's the problem?

SAM
You're not gonna like it.

TOBY
Believe me, Sam, the only thing that could make my day worse is if Roberto
Mendoza got
involved.

Sam just looks at Toby, who rolls his eyes and rubs his head.

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT

JOSH
Roberto Mendoza is the President's nominee to fill Crouch's seat on the
Supreme Court.
The President put Toby Ziegler in charge of his confirmation, which is a huge
responsibility. A failed confirmation for the Court is a body blow to a
presidency.
Besides which, he's a brilliant jurist and we badly want him on the
bench. The
confirmation process is a tough needle to thread. You gotta make a lot of
friends and
Supreme Court nominees don't speak before their confirmation, they let the
White House
speak for them. Something Toby's had a little bit of trouble teaching Roberto
Mendoza.

CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON
C.J., Toby, Sam and Josh are waiting. Leo walks in.

LEO
He said the President was wrong?

C.J.
He said the Pwesident was wong to make Secwetawy O'Weawy apowogize-

LEO
What the hell is...?

TOBY
C.J. Sam, tell him.

SAM
He said the President was wrong to make Secretary O'Leary apologize.

LEO
To who?

SAM
To Wooden.

LEO
I'm saying, to whom did he say it to?

TOBY
Chicago Tribune.

LEO
I thought he's on vacation?

SAM
He is.

LEO
I thought he's on vacation in Nova Scotia?

SAM
He is.

LEO
What, they called him in Nova Scotia?

SAM
Yeah.

LEO
How the hell did they find him in Nova Scotia?

JOSH
They have telephones in Nova Scotia, Leo. It's not Amish country.

LEO
[glares at Josh] I really think of all the people in this building, Josh,
you want to
be the last person to speak right now.

JOSH
You bet.

C.J.
The Pwesident needs to be bwiefed on the events of the day.

TOBY
C.J., so help me if you use the words 'Pwesident' or 'bwiefed' again.

LEO
All right. The President lands in New Orleans in an hour and a half. There'll
be no
press at the Labor Conference. And when he's done he's getting right back
on the plane
and coming home. Wheels down is 3:00 a.m. He'll be back in the residence by
3:30.
[starts to leave]

JOSH
Can I say something?

LEO
[annoyed, stops and turns back] What?!

JOSH
A lot of this is our fault. And the President probably isn't going to take
this very well
and we just want you to know that we will be there with you in spirit tomorrow
morning.

LEO
You're gonna be there with me in every way imaginable, Josh.

JOSH
You bet.

LEO
[to all] 7:00 a.m. [leaves]

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT

JOSH
If you read the papers, you know that this not the first time this had
happened. In
the eight weeks since the President named his nominee, Judge Mendoza has,
on various
occasions, publicly criticized the American Bar Association, the AFL-CIO,
and the New
York state legislature. Three organizations without which this President
would not
have been elected. Putting out the Deborah O'Leary fire from earlier in the
day had
been the only thing we'd been successful at, and now Judge Mendoza had...

Josh's phone rings again.

JOSH [cont.]
...started it up again. I-I... I'm really very sorry, but I have to get this.
[gets up and answers the phone] Yeah.

SAM
Josh.

JOSH
Yeah.

CUT TO: INT. WESLEY POLICE STATION - NIGHT
Sam updates Josh on what happened.

SAM
We're in.

JOSH
Where is he?

SAM
Toby's talking to him now.

CUT TO: INT. WESLEY POLICE CELL - NIGHT
Officer Peter is letting Toby into the cell where Judge Mendoza is lying on
a cot.

TOBY
Hello Mr. Justice. How are you?

MENDOZA
Incarcerated, Toby. How're you?

OFFICER PETER
Do you need anything, Mr. Ziegler?

TOBY
No. Judge and I are gonna have a chat. [goes into the cell]

FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT

JOSH
The hardest job in the White House is President. The second hardest job is
not Chief
of Staff, it's not National Security Advisor, and it's not Press Secretary,
although
I'm gaining a certain amount of respect for Press Secretaries. The second
hardest job
in the White House belongs to a 21 year old kid named Charlie Young. He's
what's called
the President's body man, his personal aide. He's with the President morning
to night.
He has a range of responsibilities, all of them difficult. But the one he
hates most in
this from time to time it is his job to wake the President up in the
morning. And on
this particular morning, the President had gone to sleep only three hours
earlier.

CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Early that morning, Charlie is talking on the phone. The operator, Helen,
answers.

HELEN
Good morning, White House operator four. How may I direct your call?

CHARLIE
Good morning, Helen. It's Charlie.

HELEN
Hey babe. How was New Orleans?

CHARLIE
The President did very well.

HELEN
Have you been to sleep yet?

CHARLIE
Since when?

HELEN
Since yesterday.

CHARLIE
[laughs] Good one, Helen. It's time for the President's wake up call.

HELEN
Lucky you. Let me put you through.

CUT TO: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bartlet is asleep in his bedroom. The phone rings four times before he
finally answers
it sleepily.

BARTLET
What?

CHARLIE
Good morning, Mr. President. It's Charlie. I hope...

BARTLET
What could you possibly want right now?

CHARLIE
Sir, it's 6:30 a.m. and...

BARTLET
In the morning?

CHARLIE
Yes sir. And I wanted to remind you that...

BARTLET
I mean, what in the name of everything holy could you want right now?

CHARLIE
I wanted to remind you that you have a 7:00 a.m. at the Oval Office with
senior staff,
followed by your security and intelligence briefings, and a meeting with
the Chairman
of the Fed. Would you like me to have the stewards bring you some coffee
and the
Washington Post?

BARTLET
Who the hell is this?

CHARLIE
Sir.

BARTLET
And what could you possibly want?

CHARLIE
Sir. I need you to dig in now. It wasn't a nightmare. You really are the
President.

BARTLET
All right.

CHARLIE
I'll have the stewards bring the coffee to your room.

BARTLET
I'll get up now. [hangs up the phone with difficulty]

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT

JOSH
Mendoza was summoned to the White House from his vacation in Nova Scotia. When
you
summon someone to the White House, you generally expect to see them within
the hour.
Judge Mendoza told us that he would see us in three days. Why three
days? Because he
was driving down to D.C., stopping in Connecticut to do some antiquing. Yet
another
thing we'd have to tell the President. Who, by the way, had still not woken
up.

CUT TO: INT. RESIDENCE HALLWAY - DAY
Early that morning, Charlie comes around the corner to find BILLY, the steward,
waiting
outside the bedroom door.

BILLY
Charlie.

CHARLIE
Oh, come on.

BILLY
I've been knocking every few minutes or so, and I don't hear the shower
running either.

CHARLIE
Thanks, Billy. Give me a minute, would you?

BILLY
You bet.

CUT TO: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Charlie goes into the bedroom and turns on a few lamps. He tries to wake up
Bartlet.

CHARLIE
Mr. President... Mr. President. [shakes the President] Mr. President...

BARTLET
[wakes up and quickly grabs Charlie's wrist] Charlie, are you aware you're
committing
a federal crime right now?

CHARLIE
I'll take my chances with the Feds, Mr. President. It's seven o'clock.

BARTLET
How did you know the First Lady wasn't going to be naked when you came in
here?
[looks at her empty side of the bed] Come to think of it, where the hell is
my wife?

CHARLIE
Argentina.

BARTLET
That's right.

CHARLIE
Senior staff at the Oval Office, sir. So I'm gonna stand here while you get
outta bed,
take a shower and get dressed. [holds up the President's robe]

BARTLET
[finally gets up] Have you slept yet?

CHARLIE
No sir.

BARTLET
Good.

Charlie helps the President put on his robe.

CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY
The senior staff are waiting inside.

JOSH
[to C.J.] How's your mouth?

C.J.
Well, the swelling's gone down. On the other hand, the painkillers have worn
off.

LEO
He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?

SAM
Yeah.

LEO
How's a person do that?

SAM
Oh, my guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick,
then maybe catch
the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New
Hampshire to
the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford.

They all look at Sam like he's crazy. Toby vocalizes it.

TOBY
Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?

Bartlet comes in from the Mural Room.

BARTLET
I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife's in Argentina. Let's get this over with.

They all follow him into THE OVAL OFFICE, where Bartlet stands in front of
his desk
and they form a semi-circle around him.

BARTLET
What?

LEO
Mr. President, we experienced a few public relations, what's the word...?

TOBY
Catastrophes?

LEO
...incidents in the few hours you were away last night.

BARTLET
What kind of incidents?

Everyone looks at Josh, who is looking at his feet.

LEO
Josh.

JOSH
Yeah? [gets it] Oh. First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving
Secretary
O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with. Though not really,
and I'll get
to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so
that we could
fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so
was unable
to brief.

BARTLET
Who did?

JOSH
I did.

BARTLET
Oh God.

JOSH
Yeah. A long story short, you're gonna be reading a bit today about your
secret plan
to fight inflation.

BARTLET
I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

JOSH
No.

BARTLET
Why am I gonna be reading that I do?

JOSH
It was suggested in the Press Room that you did.

BARTLET
By who?

JOSH
By me.

BARTLET
You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

JOSH
No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes,
I did that.

BARTLET
Josh, I'm a little confused.

JOSH
Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic. There's no way
they didn't
know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them
stupid!

BARTLET
Okay, before we go on. C.J., if blood is gushing from the head wound you
just received
from a stampeding herd of bison, you'll do the press briefing.

C.J.
Yes sir.

JOSH
Mr. President...

BARTLET
A secret plan to fight inflation?

JOSH
There was no turning them back. I denied it for half an hour. They wouldn't
take no
for an answer.

BARTLET
Were you clear?

JOSH
I was crystal clear. They said, 'Do you think if the President has a plan
to fight
inflation, it's right that be keep it a secret?' I said, 'Of course not!'

BARTLET
Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight
inflation, but
now you don't support it?

JOSH
[looks stunned] When you put it like that...

TOBY
Mr. President, much as we'd love nothing more than to stand here and watch
you beat
the living crap outta Josh, there's actually a bigger fish to fry.

BARTLET
What did Mendoza do?

TOBY
He told the Chicago Tribune that you were wrong to admonish Secretary O'Leary
and
make her apologize.

BARTLET
I didn't, he did. [points at Leo]

LEO
You told me to.

BARTLET
You said you were gonna fix it.

LEO
I did fix it.

BARTLET
It's broken again, Leo.

TOBY
Frankly sir, that's 'cause your nominee for the Supreme Court's handling
himself in a
manner that's totally unprofessional.

BARTLET
We will have the first of what I think will a series of discussions about
professionalism
another time, Toby. Where is Mendoza?

SAM
He's on his way, sir.

BARTLET
Right now?

SAM
Yes, but he won't be here until the day after tomorrow.

BARTLET
Day after tomorrow?

SAM
Yes sir.

BARTLET
Is he coming in from Neptune?

SAM
He's vacationing with his wife and son, and they'd prefer to take a leisurely
drive
through eastern Canada and New England while stopping for some antique
shopping in
Connecticut. I imagine he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway, the 95...

TOBY
Sam.

BARTLET
Okay. We will wait for Mendoza. In the meantime, C.J., you will untangle
the Press Corps.

C.J.
Yes sir.

BARTLET
And we will hope that nothing happens today to make this any worse. Although
I certainly
wouldn't bet the house on it. That is all.

LEO
Thank you, Mr. President.

They all leave, except for Josh, who hangs back as Bartlet sits at his desk.

JOSH
Sir, I wanna tell you that I'm sorry and that this mess will be cleaned up
in an adult
and professional manner.

BARTLET
Good.

JOSH
[quietly] If anyone asks you, you quit smoking years ago, and the cigarette
you bummed
on Air Force One was for a friend.

BARTLET
Get out.

JOSH
You bet.

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT

JOSH
And that was it.

NESSLER
What happened to Judge Mendoza?

JOSH
I'm sorry?

NESSLER
Did he ever get here from Nova Scotia?

JOSH
Actually, he's on his way right now. He's spending the night in Connecticut
to do some
antiquing.

CUT TO: INT. WESLEY POLICE STATION - NIGHT
Sam just got coffee from a vending machine and is drinking.

SERGEANT McNAMARA
[nervously] He's been in there a little while now.

SAM
Yeah.

SERGEANT McNAMARA
I'm the one that pulled him over, you know. His driving was erratic. Still
not entirely
convinced he hadn't been drinking.

SAM
Well, you have a problem there.

SERGEANT McNAMARA
What's that?

SAM
Judge Mendoza has chronic persistent hepatitis, which is a non-progressive
form of
liver inflammation. If he'd had enough to drink to blow point one on the
blood-alcohol,
he'd be dead right now. [drinks] This is good coffee.

CUT TO: INT. WESLEY POLICE CELL - NIGHT
Toby is still having a word with Judge Mendoza.

TOBY
Why didn't you take a Breathalyzer?

MENDOZA
Because I was driving within the speed limit, I was driving on the right
side of the
road, I had valid tags and registration and as far as I know, I don't have
any warrants
for my arrest in Connecticut.

TOBY
Judge...

MENDOZA
Absent just cause, Toby. The Breathalyzer's an illegal search. It's a civil
rights
violation.

TOBY
So you give Barney Fife a hard time to make a point.

MENDOZA
Point worth making.

TOBY
Not now.

MENDOZA
Yes now, right now.

TOBY
One phone call, Judge. 'Toby, this has happened. Tell 'em my name's Roberto
Mendoza
and the President's named me to the bench!'

MENDOZA
They pulled me over because I look like my name is Roberto Mendoza and I'm
coming to
rob your house.

TOBY
Let's go. [starts to leave]

MENDOZA
Where are we going?

TOBY
Home. Let's go home!

MENDOZA
I'm not going anywhere.

TOBY
Judge.

MENDOZA
I'm under arrest, Toby.

TOBY
Not anymore. Let's go.

MENDOZA
You pull all the strings you want, Toby, but not for me. Come Monday, I'm
gonna
inveigle myself of the criminal justice system for which I have worked my
entire
adult life.

TOBY
Judge, due respect. Get your things and let's go.

MENDOZA
[angrily] My kid was in the car, Toby. They patted me down and they handcuffed
me in
front of my nine year old boy. Then he and his mother got to see them put
me in the
squad car and drive away.

TOBY
He's also seen you wearing a robe with a gavel in your hand.

MENDOZA
He doesn't understand that. He doesn't know what that is. He understands
what the
police are because he watches television. That's what he's gonna remember,
his father
being handcuffed. So America just got another pissed-off guy with dark skin.

TOBY
Robbie and Laura, where are they right now?

MENDOZA
Motel a few miles...

TOBY
There's nothing about this that doesn't stink. If it were me, I'd wanna
extract
vengeance, and I'd say 'Let justice be done.' I'd also wanna spend some time
in a
dark room alone, so that I didn't have to face my wife and my son and have
them see
my humiliation. Rob, I can't get this done if this is the story. Can't get
it done.
Nothing about this that doesn't stink. And nothing about it that wouldn't
be better
if you were a Supreme Court Justice. Let me take you to the motel. Go see
your boy.

CUT TO: INT. WESLEY POLICE STATION - NIGHT
In the lobby, Sam is playing with his coffee cup.

OFFICER PETER
So, can I ask, a guy in your job, do you know missile codes and that sort
of thing?

SAM
Yeah.

OFFICER PETER
Outstanding.

Toby and Mendoza come out of the back room.

SAM
Good evening, Mr. Justice.

MENDOZA
Good evening, Sam.

TOBY
[to Officer Peter] You got personal items?

OFFICER PETER
Yes sir.

He leaves to get Mendoza's stuff.

TOBY
Your lucky night, officers. There isn't gonna be a report, there isn't going
to be
an investigation, no one's getting suspended. And no one's filing a hundred
million
dollar lawsuit against the county that they would almost surely win. But in
this room,
you're gonna apologize to Mr. Mendoza. And then you're gonna get in your
squad car and
you're gonna follow us and you're gonna apologize to his son.

SERGEANT McNAMARA
Judge Mendoza, we sincerely apologize for our mistake.

MENDOZA
Thank you.

TOBY
Let's go.

Toby and Mendoza start to leave.

SAM
I also gotta say, you guys could do a better job of marking the exits on
the throughway.

TOBY
Let's go!

SERGEANT MCNAMARA
We'll be behind you.

CUT TO: EXT. WESLEY POLICE STATION - CONTINUOUS
Sam, Toby and Mendoza are walking out of the police station, heading for
their car.

MENDOZA
You know what, Toby. If there's no reason for you guys to go back to
Washington, you
should spend the night here.

TOBY
[opens car door] What's up here?

MENDOZA
Great antiquing. [enters car]

TOBY
Killing me, Judge. You're absolutely killing me.

Toby closes the car door. Sam dials his phone.

SAM
Josh.

JOSH
Yeah.

SAM
It's over.

CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT
Josh is standing to the back of the stage.

JOSH
Good. [hangs up phone and sits back down]
That's the last time the phone will ring. I promise.

NESSLER
Josh...

JOSH
There's a part of the story I didn't tell you. I can't. Trust me, it doesn't
involve...
I-I-I just can't right now. Ask me back again after the Senate confirms
Mendoza.
You really should hear it, it's a good story.

NESSLER
Why don't we take some questions.

JOSH
Yeah.

Josh turns to his audience.

DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *

The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John
Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement
is intended.

Episode 1.15 – 'Celestial Navigation'
Original Airdate: February 15, 2000, 9:00 PM, EST

Transcript By: Cindy Dechief

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