The staff comes together to fight a losing battle on a foreign aid vote in the Senate.
THE WEST WING "GUNS NOT BUTTER" WRITTEN BY: ELI ATTIE & KEVIN FALLS & AARON SORKIN DIRECTED BY: BILL D'ELIA TEASER FADE IN: INT. REPUBLICAN CLOAKROOM - DAY Josh enters with Jane Cleery and a staffer. JOSH Three years I've worked in the Senate, four years in the White House, this is my first time in the Republican cloakroom. SENATOR'S STAFFER What do you think? JOSH You guys use the same decorator as we do. STAFFER Damn it, Josh, I decorated the room. JOSH Hey, was Benjamin Harrison banned from here? STAFFER By Senate resolution 'cause he was lobbying too much. And Warren Harding's mistress was impregnated here. JOSH Prompting another resolution? STAFFER No. JOSH Is there any chance that Nearing is soft? Is there anything that makes her vote yea? STAFFER No. JOSH You sure? STAFFER Yeah. Look... JOSH What about Herman Morton? JANE CLEERY You'd have to rewrite the education bill. JOSH It's 50-50, Jane. Hoynes has a sleeping bag in there. We need to, you and I... JANE The Senator's voting no. JOSH Which Senator? JANE The one we work for. JOSH What the hell...? STAFFER A Liberty Foundation poll... JOSH Wait, wait, wait a second... JANE Listen, a Liberty Foundation poll's about to come out... JOSH A poll!? JANE 68% say we spend too much on foreign aid. 59% want foreign aid cut. JOSH What the hell do I care? These people are responding to... JANE Come on. They're responding to being overtaxed and then having that money sent to Burundi instead of the school their kids go to. JOSH Now you're for more education funding? JANE That's not the point. JOSH Of course foreign aid polls badly. The people it's helping aren't the ones answering the phone. JANE Or paying the taxes, or voting. JOSH The Senator just reached this conclusion when the Libery Foundation-- JANE No, he's never liked it, and you know that and the poll gives him cover with the New York Times people. JOSH When you say the New York Times people, you're not talking about the people the who work there, are you? JANE No, look... JOSH You mean "people who can read?" A buzzer sound is heard. STAFFER It's a quorum call. JOSH I understand what it is. STAFFER Come on, Josh. JOSH I think this is crap. I think your boss has known about this poll for awhile and he's embarassing the President at the eleventh hour because he spent too much time with his arm around the other guy. JANE We begged you to keep the President out of Colorado. JOSH On the first vote out of the box. JANE Bartlet had Colorado from the convention. JOSH President Bartlet. JANE You're one vote down on foreign aid. Josh turns around and walks out the door. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. FLIGHT STAIRS - DAY Bartlet, Charlie, C.J. and several others staffers are walking down a long flight of stairs. BARTLET It's the curse of every daughter's father. CHARLIE Boyfriends? BARTLET I don't like them. I don't like them at all. CHARLIE Yes, I know sir. BARTLET What the hell happened with you two? It was perfect. I just kept you in the office all the time. CHARLIE Well, she was unhappy that I was at the office all the time. BARTLET That was the point. If I was trying to make her happy, I'd buy her a Cabriolet. C.J. Sir? BARTLET C-Jean. Stable economies with free-flowing uranium don't make for a stable world community. Did I make that point? C.J. Absolutely. BARTLET Good. And is there a cow on my schedule today? C.J. It's called Heifer International. Don't worry about it. BARTLET [to Charlie] I'm meeting with a cow. I shouldn't worry about it. C.J. It's a photo-op with a cow, sir. It's not a sit-down. BARTLET I like your sass. C.J. You got a very nice sass, yourself... sir. BARTLET What, are you touring? C.J. I could. AGENT Eagle's in daylight. BARTLET [to Charlie] Am I right on time? CHARLIE Yes, sir. CUT TO: EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS They exit the building where the limos are waiting. There is a large crowd of spectators. Bartlet goes to shake there hands. BARTLET How you doing? Good to see you. Great. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Someone hands Bartlet a book, which he passes to Charlie and continues to shake hands. BARTLET Thank you. Thank you. Good to see you. How are you? How are you? A woman is waving a blue envelope, trying to hand it to Charlie. HISPANIC WOMAN Please, please, look at that. CHARLIE You can hand it directly to the President, if you'd like. HISPANIC WOMAN I'm not looking for an autograph. CHARLIE Yes, ma'am. Charlie takes the letter and adds it to the pile. Bartlet continues to shake hands. C.J. is standing by the limos, as her phone goes off. C.J. Yeah. JOSH We're a vote down. C.J. What happened? JOSH Colorado happened. C.J. Charlie. BARTLET [still shaking hands] How are you today? CHARLIE Mr. President, you have to go, sir. C.J. [to Josh] Okay, we're coming back. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY Josh hangs up the phone. DONNA This is a push poll. JOSH 68% think we spend too much on foreign aid. 59% think it should be cut. DONNA I think this is a push poll. JOSH Respondants estimate foreign aid to be 15% of the federal budget. It's one percent of the federal budget. Or it was a half hour ago. DONNA Listen to this question: "The money that goes into foreign aid could be used to reduce the tax burden here at home. Do you support such a shift of funds?" That's not a push poll? JOSH Come here. I lose this vote... I'm resigning. They walk past the LOBBY to THE ROOSEVELT ROOM. LARRY Will they postpone again? JOSH They won't do it. Not after two continuing resolutions. This expires at midnight. ED I'm sorry, but is that our problem? JOSH It massively is, yes. LEO What about Grace Hardin? JOSH Yeah, I though of her. Can she say no to the President? ED She will. LARRY She will. She's publicly against it. Local politics. ED Foreign aid in Georgia. JOSH I say she's a Democrat, she owes the President, and there is nothing wrong with Georgia New England can't fix. LEO If it's no, it's got to be a fast no. JOSH It's not going to be no. Put the senior senator from Colorado in the nay column. Move Grace Hardin to undecided and start the clock. Larry reaches over to a large digital clock on the table and presses a button. It begins to countdown from 14:20:00. JOSH I hate that clock. Josh exits to the HALLWAY, where he meets Will. WILL Excuse me, Josh. JOSH Yeah, you're Bill Bailey, right? WILL Will Bailey, yeah. JOSH I'm surprised we haven't met. WILL You're pretty busy. JOSH We talked on the phone. WILL Yeah. You now, you get a pretty good aerobic workout talking to someone in this building. JOSH I've heard the jokes. What do you need? WILL Uh, well, I'm working with Toby Ziegler on the Inauguration... JOSH Bill, I know who you are. What do you need? WILL Okay, well, it's Will and I'm in a legislative section talking about bipartisan cooperation and because it was legislative, Toby wanted you involved. JOSH Boy, did you pick the wrong day to write about bipartisan cooperation. WILL If there's a better time... JOSH 68% of respondants think we hand out too much in foreign aid, 59% think it should be cut. WILL Were you talking to me just then? JOSH Read me what you got so far. WILL "The people, in their enduring wisdom, have put in office a Chief Executive of one party and a Congress of another. It's our duty to respect and enact..." JOSH Strike "in their enduring wisdom." You think electing a reactionary Congress and a progressive President was wise? The people, in a fog of uncertainty, unsure of the difference, split tickets across the country. WILL Well, I agree, but I think Toby would say that lacks poetry. JOSH 68% say we hand out too much, 59% want to see it cut. WILL You know, there's plenty of work I can do in the meantime. I'll find you later. They depart. Josh continues to his BULLPEN AREA and his OFFICE. DONNA Hey, Ted. WILL Will. DONNA Okay. JOSH I need Senator Hardin. DONNA Leo's office called over, and we're on it. JOSH Good. DONNA Are you going to try Cantina? JOSH I'm going to try everybody. But Cantina's never voted to send any money anywhere. I think he's against airmail stamps. DONNA What about McKenna? JOSH He needs Republican votes on broadband access. DONNA And you think you're going to have luck with Grace Hardin? JOSH She's a freshman Democrat. She can't say no to the President if he asks her. DONNA Have you seen how foreign aid polls in Georgia? JOSH There's a hockey coach who's got a player who's squandering his potential. Coach says, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" Player says, "I don't know and I don't care." Yeah, I've seen how foreign aid polls in Georgia. Gracie might be a little tough to get to the phone today. DONNA We've been here before. JOSH Tell me about it. DONNA You had two different strategies that were shouted down. You can't take the fall for this. JOSH My job is to execute the plays Leo calls. The rest doesn't matter. DONNA Were you serious before... about resigning? JOSH Are we looking for Hardin?! DONNA They're on it. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY Charlie is sorting through mail, handing an intern named Stacey various stacks of envelopes. Jean-Paul is standing around waiting. CHARLIE This pile goes to Personal Correspondence for special handling. These go to Main Correspondence. JEAN-PAUL So, Charlie, uh... What you do is you sort the mail for Zoey's father. CHARLIE Yeah, I guess. JEAN-PAUL And you don't like me very much because I'm with Zoey. CHARLIE Jean Paul, I'm kind of working here. JEAN-PAUL Oh, I understand. CHARLIE Thank you. JEAN-PAUL And there's a great deal of mail to sort. CHARLIE Also classified intelligience cables to prioritize. And a meeting to break up between a President and a king, so... Stacey? STACEY Yeah? CHARLIE That big blue envelope. Where's it going? STACEY General Correspondence. It was a servicewoman talking about food stamps. CHARLIE She was in the service? STACEY You know her? CHARLIE No. Okay. No, you know what? Leave it here. Let me read it. JEAN-PAUL Huh... CUT TO: INT. PRESS BREIFING ROOM - DAY REPORTER JOHN Will the White House try to delay the vote? C.J. Like I said before, the continuing resolution expires at midnight. If Congress doesn't act, there is no foreign aid budget. REPORTER KATIE What's the President's reaction to Mosley saying we're throwing money at problem halfway around the world? C.J. The President wishes the Republican Leader would throw some money at problems right here, but doesn't wish to help the United States retreat from its role as a world leader. Foreign aid's been cut 50% in the last decade. In percentage of GNP spent, we rank not toward the bottom; we are the bottom, dead last. Mark. REPORTER MARK Was it a bad idea to make the first bill out of the second term such a controversial one? C.J. The President doesn't beleive that for something this important, something like that should be taken into consideration. Steve? REPORTER STEVE A Democratic senator says that if this goes down it'll stall momentum on the rest-- C.J. We're not responding to a blind quote; we're just assuming you made it up. The reporters laugh. C.J. I'm not kidding. Thank you. REPORTERS Thank you. C.J. Danny... come back to the office for a second? CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY- CONTINUOUS C.J. and Danny walk. DANNY Hey, off the record, what did the President say about Mosley's "halfway around the world"? C.J. He said, "Lord God, what a tool". DANNY That's what I figured. C.J. I'm a senior adminstration official. You can say several senior administration officials say the White House will have a good memory when the transportation bill comes up next year. DANNY You don't mind blind quotes so much when they're from you. C.J. No. DANNY Okay, so... C.J. Yes? DANNY I'll walk your threat around for you, but... C.J. Yes? DANNY The pilot. C.J. Danny... They reach C.J.'S OFFICE. DANNY The pilot on Shareef's Gulfstream? C.J. What do you think it is I'm going to say? DANNY His was named Jamil Bari, and the first thing you want to do is, you want to find out if Jamil Bari had any history of pilot error to see if that may have contributed to the crash. So my new assistant, Maisy, she found out that Jamil Bari got a certificate of qualification on the Gulfstream in 1994. C.J. Was that it? DANNY Yeah, that's it. That's all I've been able to find out so far. 'Cause we've been checking aviation schools, and we haven't been unable to find him. There are a lot of aviation schools, but we're going to check 'em all. C.J. And sooner or later, you'll find him. DANNY Sure. C.J. You know, I got to tell you, your tie goes with your shirt, and your jacket... you're dating a college graduate, aren't you? DANNY Maisy ain't never gonna find him, C.J. Jamil Bari is an invented identity for someone. It has to be. For this thing to have worked, the pilot had to be one of our guys. C.J. Yeah, I just meant it was a nice tie. DANNY I'll be around all day for the vote. C.J. Okay. Danny exits. C.J. What's up there, Gail. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY DONNA Somebody's talking to the Dirksen's office? STAFFER JAY They say she's at the campaign office. STAFFER KELLY Campaign office says she's at her district office. DONNA Her district office is in Atlanta. STAFFER TAMMY That's where they say she is. DONNA And the district office? JAY Says she's on he way back here for the vote. DONNA It's a commercial flight? JOSH [entering from the lobby] An hour and half, we can't find a U.S. Senator. DONNA She doesn't want the call. JOSH No kidding. DONNA Atlanta says she's on her way back here. When she lands, she'll disappear till the vote. JOSH Donna, your job is to take this, find her and stick it in her hand. Make big plays today. Josh hands Donna a cellphone and walks off. KELLY Donna, Delta flight 15 lands in National in 35 minutes. Donna grabs her purse and coat and runs out the door. CUT TO: INT. Bartlet is standing at a podium delivering a speech on foreign aid. BARTLET We live in an interdependent world and we should act like it. We live in a global community and we should sustain it. We should cross borders. We should cross borders to build sustainable democracies that can banish privation and fear. And we should cross borders to bring food and medicine and roads and schools and teachers to parts of the world forgotten by all but the warlords. We're gonna pass this Foreign Ops bill. This should be a century of hope and prosperity everywhere. And America is going to lead the world and not just bully it. Thank you. The audience stands up and cheers. Bartlet waves then walks offstage. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Leo, Zoey, Jean-Paul, Charlie, C.J., Toby and other staffers are in a hallway waiting for Bartlet to exit the stage. BARTLET [to Leo] What the hell is going on? ZOEY That was great, dad. BARTLET [to Zoey] Hey, thanks, Peach Patch. [to Leo] What the hell is going on? LEO Hardin's a yes if we can get her on the phone. BARTLET Which is why we can't get her on the phone? LEO She's been a little slippery, but this is where Josh eats. BARTLET We have many, many backup plans in the works? Josh has broken people into teams and they're developing and executing rapid-response backup plans? LEO Yeah, okay. Leo turns around and yells back at Toby. LEO Toby... we should probably have a backup plan. BARTLET Oh, my God. LEO A split second of humor injected in the middle of a stressful day, sir. Sounds to me like we're talking about the act of a friend. BARTLET Please, my daughter's dating a kid who's better-looking than my wife. I have only so much RAM to give over to-- C.J.! C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET I'm sorry, but once again, there's a cow? C.J. A photo-op with a cow. BARTLET Yeah, I got that part. It was... C.J. Heifer Internatinal, it's called. They give milking cows to poor families in developing nations. BARTLET And that's great. But a picture of me and a cow... C.J. I have my concerns, sir. BARTLET Why did you agree to it in the first place? C.J. Well, it's an organization worthy of... BARTLET Abbey set it up? C.J. I'll figure out a way to make the picture work, sir. BARTLET Well, good luck with that. Now turn around casually and tell me if Le Vicomte de Valvert has got his hands anywhere near anyone who's related to me. C.J. That is a good-looking young man. BARTLET [yelling] Zoey! ZOEY I don't respond when you shout. BARTLET Yeah, I think you'd respond if I stopped feeding you! ZOEY [to Jean-Paul] Ignore him. JEAN-PAUL Oh, yes, I do. [to Charlie] This envelope that interests you, it was what? ZOEY What envelope? CHARLIE A woman on the rope line this morning. She's a private in the Army and her family's on food stamps. JEAN-PAUL An American soldier on food stamps? CHARLIE It's a big family. JEAN-PAUL And you read this letter as if it was special. CHARLIE Well, she handed it right to me. JEAN-PAUL And after you read it, you just throw it on the pile with the others. CHARLIE Yes. JEAN-PAUL So, this woman sees you standing next to Zoey's father and she doesn't know that you're powerless to help. CHARLIE I'm not powerless. I called the DOD and asked them to give special notice to the letter. BARTLET [OS] Charlie. CHARLIE Yes, sir. Charlie walks to catch up with the President but stops to talk to Stacey. CHARLIE Get me that blue envelope back. I got to call the DOD. STACEY Yeah. CUT TO: EXT. The entourage has now reached the motorcade. Bartlet goes to shake hands at the ropeline. The others get in cars. Someone says something to Toby from behind. SENATOR JAMES "JIMMY" HOEBUCK Who writes this hand-holding crap for the President anyhow? TOBY Free food and the gentle lady from Tennessee. JIMMY The food wasn't free, and is the President really comfortable defining 50 years of security policy as bullying? TOBY I don't think he was talking about the last half-century. Neither do you. JIMMY What happened to politics stopping at the water's edge? TOBY Hey, food is apolitical. JIMMY Not at 10:30 tonight it ain't. And you guys are going to have a bit of a time getting Gracie Hardin on the phone. TOBY Jimmy, you want to tell me something I don't know? JIMMY I got a yea vote for you. TOBY Whose? JIMMY Mine. Can I be in your office in an hour? TOBY Can you be there in half an hour? JIMMY No. He turns around and walks off. TOBY Okay. CUT TO: INT. THE WEST WING HALLWAY - DAY INTERN Charlie, they phoned ahead and said you wanted this back. He hands Charlie the blue envelope. CHARLIE Yeah. Thanks. Charlie enters the OUTER OVAL OFFICE. He opens the envelope begins to read, then dials on the phone. OPERATOR [on phone] Good aftenoon, the Pentagon. CHARLIE Sergeant Major Moreland, please. OPERATOR [on phone] Just a moment. Charlie takes off his coat and hangs it up. WOMAN [on phone] Secretary's office. CHARLIE Sergeant Moreland, please. This is Charlie Young from the office of the President. WOMAN [on phone] Please hold. COLONEL WOLF [on phone] Yes, this is Colonel Wolf. CHARLIE Oh, no, sir, I was calling for Sergeant Moreland. COLONEL WOLF [on phone] Yes, Mr. Young, how can I help you? CHARLIE No, sir, I wouldn't want to impose. I play basketball with Barry Moreland. COLONEL WOLF [on phone] Sergeant Moreland works for me, Mr. Young. How can I help the President? CHARLIE Well, no it's not... On a rope line this morning, I was handed a letter from an enlisted woman whose family is eligible for food stamps and I was just wondering whose eyes I could put it in front of. COLONEL WOLF [on phone] Mine. You'll send it today? CHARLIE Thank you. Yes, sir. CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY Josh is sitting on the table looking at a chart telling what each of the Senators are voting. The clocking, still counting down, is at: 11:09:31 WILL Can't find Grace Hardin? JOSH We're at the airport, we're at Dirksen, we're at her house, we're at her gym, we're at her Senate office, we're at her second office, we're at her lawyer's office, we're at her husband's office. WILL I'm sorry, I know you're up against it... JOSH The legislative section. WILL I cut enduring "wisdom". "The American people have spoken. They have chosen to return to Washington a President of one party and a Congress of another." JOSH You say that like constitutional scholars made a conscious choice, weighing checks and balances. WILL They did make a conscious choice. And in their defense, a lot of people have a hard time seeing the difference. JOSH Are any of those people in this room? WILL No. JOSH One wants to save Social Security, the other wants to privatize it. One wants to make polluters pay to clean up pollution, the other wants to give tax breaks so they can pollute more. One wants to send aid to countries... WILL Okay. JOSH Yeah. WILL Cantina voted no on U.N. dues, no on Kosovo peacekeeping. He's just going to burn time. JOSH No kidding. Will leaves. Toby walks by. Josh calls out to him JOSH Toby. TOBY Yeah. JOSH Hoebuck? TOBY He came to me. JOSH He authored a bill to insert the word "God" into the Pledge of Allegiance four more times. TOBY Yeah, well, once you've broken that dam, what the hell does it matter? Toby enters his OFFICE where Senator James "Jimmy" Hoebuck and a woman is waiting. JIMMY Here's what I want for my vote tonight. TOBY Yeah. JIMMY $115,000. TOBY Million. JIMMY I'm sorry? TOBY You said you wanted 115,000. You meant million. JIMMY I appreciate Democrats know how to read my mind but I meant 115,000. TOBY For what? JIMMY I want to pay people to pray. TOBY Out of the federal budget? JIMMY Yeah. TOBY And this woman leads a world-class team of psychiatrist? JIMMY Not... not exactly. But you're awfully close. This is Dr. Gwendolyn Chen. She's the Chief Cardiologist at Duke Medical Center. Have you ever heard of intercessory prayer or remote prayer? TOBY This is where you draw up a list of sinners... JIMMY It's when people pray for you even though you're not aware of it. TOBY Yeah, C.J. got spammed with that a few months ago. JIMMY Was that before or after her agent got shot at a fruit stand? TOBY You really want to make a rim shot out of a Secret Service Agent getting dead? JIMMY You really want to refer to people's prayers as spam? TOBY Dr. Chen, what are you doing here? JIMMY Go ahead, please. DR. GWENDOLYN CHEN We completed a double-blind placebo-controlled study... TOBY This isn't happening. JIMMY I'd like to point out that Duke is non-sectarian and Dr. Chen is agnostic. TOBY Huh. JIMMY A thousand heart-patients in the CCU were split into two groups. Half were prayed for by volunteersthe other half weren't. And? DR. CHEN The patients that were prayed for-- I know it sounds crazy but the patients that were prayed for-- 11 percent fewer heart attacks and strokes; far fewer complications. JIMMY Pacific College of Medicine, Med-American Heart Institute; there are 12 other studies. TOBY Any of them published in the New England Journal of Medicine? JIMMY $115,000 for a wider study. This one by the NIH. TOBY Jimmy... JIMMY $115,000 in exchange for a $17 billion foreign aid bill. That's all. Dr. Chen. He motions for them to leave. DR. CHEN It was nice meeting you. JIMMY Dr. Chen. Jimmy and Dr. Chen exit. CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL BAGGAGE CLAIMS AREA - DAY Donna enters the baggage claims area. She sees ELLEN, one of Grace Hardin's staffers, talking to some people and walks over to her. DONNA Ellen. Ellen. ELLEN Hey, Donna. DONNA Where's the Senator? ELLEN What do you mean? DONNA The district office says she was on Delta 15. She wasn't, or two other flights out of Atlanta. ELLEN She came in this morning. DONNA Yeah? ELLEN Yeah. We were just cleaning up some things at the home store. DONNA I'm tryng to arrange a call to Senator Hardin from the President of the United States. ELLEN Well, I'm not sure where the Senator is right now, but as soon as I track her down, we'll set it up. DONNA I appreciate that. ELLEN Okay, I'll see you. DONNA Thanks. Donna turns begins to leave when she notices one of the guys Ellen was talking to, retrieving a box off the luggage belt. She then runs over to a man holding an envelope. DONNA Sir, excuse me, my name is Doona. And if you'll look at me, I think you'll know I'm not going to steal from you or waste your time in any way. Can I borrow that envelope for just one moment? BUSINESSMAN Yeah, it's nothing... DONNA Thank you. She grabs the envelope and walks over to were the guy retrieving the boxes is. DONNA Excuse me, is it Rick? JASON Jason. DONNA Jason, I'm sorry, I'm new. This needs to get to the Senator. Are you going in the car to Dirksen? JASON Well, I'm going to Dirksen, but the Senator's at the Women in Media Luncheon. DONNA Right. Stupid, stupid. Thank you. Donna walks back over to the business and hands him back his envelope. DONNA Thank you very much. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: EXT. THE WEST WING DRIVEWAY - DAY C.J. and Leo are standing in the driveway looking at a goat. C.J. Well, first of all, that's not a cow. It's not! It's a goat. Yeah, I may have agreed to something about a goat. LEO Did the First Lady get you drunk and take you shopping? C.J. Leo... yes. The name of the group is Heifer International. I-I... I was under the impression it was going to be a cow. LEO Lending Presidential aura to the photo? C.J. Okay. I think what were going to do is, I think we're going to wait until after the vote at 10:30, 'cause if we don't win, then it would be a mistake for this picture to run tomorrow. LEO How big a mistake? C.J. One from which my job certainly would have hung in the balance. LEO In the balance? C.J. [to goats handler] Goats are heifers, too? MIKE I don't know. LEO If the President's wearing a hat, or that thing's wearing a Bartlet button, I'm hiding snakes in your car. C.J. Come on, don't say that! Not even to joke! LEO You're never gonna know where they are... C.J. Leo! LEO ...or if you got them all out. [to Mike] Excuse me. Gonna lay their eggs right in the glove compartment. He walks back into the West Wing. C.J. [to Mike] So, this is going to be a while. Can you wait? MIKE Well, uh, Ron doesn't do that well in the cold. C.J. Are you Ron? MIKE I'm Mike. C.J. Of course. We'll find an empty room for him. MIKE Uh, I have oats in the truck. C.J. Well, you should bring the oats, because the Mess closes at six. C.J. walks back into the West Wing, while Mike goes to get the oats. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY Charlie is at his desk flipping through papers when Ginger walks in and hands him an envelope. GINGER Hey. This was delivered to my desk, but it's for you. It's a memo your office ordered from the Pentagon. CHARLIE I can't order memos from the Pentagon. I can't order memos from anywhere. And I don't have an office. I work in the Oval Office. GINGER Oh, that may have been the confusion. CHARLIE This is about... I just called the deputy's aide and told him to look out for... Who at the Pentagon thinks I can order a memo? GINGER The Secretary of Defense. CHARLIE All right... There's been a mistake. You haven't shown this to anyone else, right? GINGER No. CHARLIE Good. GINGER But it's CC'ed to the Joint Chiefs and the Secretary of State. CHARLIE Uh-huh. Anyone here? GINGER Uh... Yeah. Here it is. POTUS, VPOTUS, Leo McGarry, and you. CHARLIE I see. GINGER What do you think it says? CHARLIE [pulls out the memo and reads] "Revised DoD Offsets and Cost Structure Adjustments for the Coming Fiscal Year." And every other fiscal year. The table of contents is six pages long! GINGER You should read it. CHARLIE Yeah. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL KITCHEN - DAY Donna is standing waiting in the kitchen, while two chefs are behind her working. CHEF GIUSEPPE Donnatella, you want me to fix you up a piece of salmon? DONNA No thanks, Giuseppe. CHEF GIUSEPPE What about fettucine? Beano's using a new cream. DONNA I tried it last week, the technology conference. It's the best. Listen, the dais still exits through here, right? CHEF GIUSEPPE You can go in there, you know and just stand in the back. SOUS CHEF BEANO She's trying not to scare somebody. Would you leave the child alone? CHEF GIUSEPPE I'm trying to feed her some food. SOUS CHEF BEANO 22 years in Washington D.C.; he spent all his time in the kitchen. He doesn't know how the place work. CHEF GIUSEPPE Well, maybe I could learn something if I beat you about the head with a sturdy ladle. There's an applause then Ellen enters the kitchen. ELLEN Wow. You know what you are? You're the little aid who could. DONNA She wasn't on the dais. ELLEN She had to cancel. I read a letter in her absence. DONNA Ellen, here's the situation: I've been asked... Her cellphone rings. DONNA Excuse me, it's Josh. [to phone] Yeah? That's great. Who? All right. [to Ellen] We've got two yes votes, McMichael and Schapp. The Senator can come out of the woods. [to phone] I'm coming in. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY Staffer Tammy is seen putting down the phone. Staffers Kelly and Jay are also in the office looking at each other. CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE MESS - DAY Elsie Snuffin and Will are getting up from a table talking. ELSIE Here's an Inauguration Day joke about the first Jewish President. His mother leans over to someone and says "You see that guy with his right hand raised? His brother's a doctor." WILL That's good. ELSIE You like it? WILL Yeah, if the President's been booked into Haha's in Cleveland. They walk to the BASEMENT HALLWAY. ELSIE I wasn't suggesting it for the speech. WILL Then why did you tell it to me? ELSIE Sometimes people tell each other jokes. WILL It was funny. What do you want from me? ELSIE That's exactly the reaction I was hoping to elicit. You've been a great audience. WILL Does it bother you that for all the legitimate politician bashing, the voters themselves are no bargains? ELSIE No. WILL Why? ELSIE 'Cause I make a living writing jokes. Not a very good one. WILL They think you can have more spending and cut taxes at the same time. ELSIE Well, all it takes is two politicians running against each other. Both of them saying it ain't going to happen, so here's what I'm going to do. WILL Is that all it takes? ELSIE Listen, when we were kids you would never shut up about the Founders and the Framers and the Fathers. This is what they wanted. WILL I may never have shut up but clearly you weren't listening much 'cause the Founders were scared to death of the people. ELSIE They gave them the guns. WILL You know that picture in the main stairway of Dad's father with Churchill? They finally reach the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE. ELSIE Yeah? WILL He said the best argument against democracy was five minutes with the average voter. ELSIE Grandpa said that? WILL Churchill. ELSIE 'Cause that doesn't sound like Grandpa. They are now standing in front of WILL'S OFFICE, but his back is to the door. WILL Thank you for the coffee. ELSIE Willy? WILL Don't call me that. ELSIE You took the office of a guy who obviously became part of the family. They'll stop with the bicycles and the Seaborn posters and the cold shoulder. WILL Yeah, I'm all right. I'm focused. ELSIE Hey, cool goat. When did you get it? WILL Professional comedian, Elsie... He turns around to walk in his office, and he sees the goat. WILL Aaaaaah...! ELSIE I think it's great the you keep oats in the office... just in case. I think when these people find out that kind of thing... WILL Could you leave me now, I'm focused, please. ELSIE Sure. WILL Right. Elsie leaves while Will stands there and admires the goat. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY Josh is sitting at his desk when Toby enters. TOBY Hey... What's going on? JOSH Well, Donna tried to flush her out and she did it well, but... TOBY What? JOSH She named names. TOBY Ah... WILL So her staff made two phone calls and Hardin dove back under the bed. TOBY Well, you were right, Hoebuck's crazy. JOSH What did he want? TOBY $115,000. JOSH Million. TOBY No, thousand. JOSH For what? TOBY It doesn't matter. JOSH For what? TOBY An NIH study on remote prayer. JOSH You're kidding. TOBY Actually, he brought a Duke cardiologist who ran a double-blind.... JOSH $115,000, he votes yes on Foreign Ops? TOBY Josh, it's the federal governmemt investing... JOSH I don't care if we're investing in communion wafers. TOBY Josh, it's the federal governent. JOSH We'll deal with the other thing tomorrow. TOBY Well, I already dealt with it today. JOSH Not yet, and the clock's running. I'm going to Leo. Josh exits to go to Leo's office. Toby stands there and then leaves. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY Bartlet is sitting down reading the memo that Charlie accidently ordered, while Charlie stands next to him waiting for his response. CHARLIE I had asked an assistant I know to give it special attention. I don't know the woman or anything. It wasn't patronage. But I was... You know... I was showing off for Zoey. BARTLET There are a couple of thousand miltary families on food stamps. I can't stand it; the Pentagon knows it. Some families are eligible, some aren't. To change it, they'd have to raise everyone's pay, which they can't do, and this memo's a reminder. It's a get-off-our-backs memo. And you thought you were done with turf wars. CHARLIE Did it cause any damage? BARTLET You decommissioned two aircraft carriers. CHARLIE Really? BARTLET No. CHARLIE Thank you, Mr. President. I'll be outside. BARTLET Boy, Zoey's growing up nicely, isn't she? CHARLIE Yes, she is. BARTLET I'm on your side in this thing, but just barely. Just by a little bit, because he's French and royal. These are very special, very limited circumstances under which we're allies, you and I. CHARLIE Understood, sir. BARTLET You still got it? CHARLIE Sir? BARTLET The letter from the rope line. CHARLIE Yes, sir. BARTLET Put it in my bag tonight. CHARLIE Yes, sir. Charlie leaves and there's a knock on the door. Toby, Leo, Josh and C.J. enter. LEO Mr. President. BARTLET Mr. McGarry, Mr. Ziegler, Mr. Lyman, Ms. Cregg. It's the Tepmtations. I love you guys. LEO You only think you've heard everything, but you haven't. BARTLET Hit me. LEO Toby. TOBY James Hoebuck will vote yea 10:30 if we give him $115,000. BARTLET Million? JOSH Thousand. $115,000. BARTLET For an RV? What's he want? LEO An NIH study on remote prayer. BARTLET I like it. There should a button on my desk I can press and 49 people instantly pray for me. C.J. I got remote prayed for by three million people. BARTLET How'd it work out? C.J. Good for me. Can't vouch much for what it was they were praying was going to happen. BARTLET Well, that's the problem. JOSH Excuse me. BARTLET Yes. JOSH The Earth is rotating rapidly on its axis. BARTLET Okay, well, good news. Keep us posted on that. JOSH We're moving into 8:00 now, sir. BARTLET Is there something I should be doing I'm not doing? JOSH We should be talking about Jimmy Hoebuck. BARTLET Oh, wait. You guys didn't come in here to tell me something funny? TOBY Three of us did. BARTLET [pointing at Josh] You... you, are the wildcard, my friend, because you... JOSH Sir... BARTLET ...because you will throw out the baby, the bathwater, and the bubbles at curtain time if it means... JOSH Excuse me, sir... BARTLET Feel free to interrupt. JOSH Do you think, Mr. President, the people who get this money care about an NIH study? BARTLET I don't care if they care! I care! And oh, by the way, so do you! JOSH $115,000 is what Commerce spends on Post-Its. BARTLET Toby? TOBY Threats to civil liberties only ever come a few dollars at a time. JOSH It's a medical study. The Nuclear Test Ban Treaty doesn't prohibit radiation therapy. Sufi Muslims, Orthodox Jews, Indian shamans-- the study says it works with everybody, so it's not promoting Christianity. BARTLET Well, in my faith, we've known it's worked for two thousand years. I never knew there was data available, but okay. LEO Anything else, sir? BARTLET No. ALL Thank you, Mr. President. JOSH Thank you, sir. They all begin to exit. BARTLET Maxine. C.J. [to Josh] That's you. JOSH I know. Leo, C.J., and Toby leave. JOSH I apologize for interrupting before. BARTLET Oh, I don't care. But what I was going to say... JOSH [passionately] I'll toss it all overboard if it means winning, and I think that's not true, and I'd ask you to support that with evidence... I'm sorry. I don't know why I keep doing that. BARTLET You're not willing to toss it overboard to win. You're willing to toss it overboard to avoid disappointing Leo. You know what the difference is between you and me? I want to be the guy. You want to be the guy the guy counts on. JOSH We lost. BARTLET We know. JOSH We can introduce another continuing resolution... 90 days? BARTLET And work down? JOSH 75% of current funding maybe. BARTLET If we can get it. JOSH You understand if we introduce another continuing resolution, about ten Democrats will jump on as a reason to vote no on this. Means losing 60-40 instead of 51-49. BARTLET When I lose, I don't look for consolation in the score and I know for sure you don't. So, it's what we should do, right? JOSH Yeah. BARTLET All right, tough beat. It's an unbelievably tough beat. JOSH Yes, sir. BARTLET Hey, Zoey's growing up very nicely, isn't she? JOSH Man, I'll say. Bartlet gives a Josh a disapproving look. JOSH You know, I go for kiss-ass today and the ball goes in the gutter. BARTLET Anything else? JOSH Thank you, Mr. President. Josh exits. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Donna is sitting in a chair waiting for Josh to come out. DONNA I said the names. JOSH I don't think it mattered. She knows how to count to 51. DONNA It would've loosened things up for an hour. I'm sorry. JOSH Shake it off. And don't listen to the naysayer. You've got a big future as a stalker. DONNA I always felt like I had the makings. JOSH I just had an interesting moment. I just recommended to the President that he buy a yea vote for a $115,000 and the Bill of Rights. DONNA Don't you mean a $115 million? JOSH Jimmy Hoebuck wanted to fund a study on remote prayer for $115,000. DONNA Is it me or is this getting harder? JOSH It's getting harder. I'd say we're going to make more enemies in the second term, but I don't know if there's anybody left on the list. DONNA You took funding for remote prayer to the President? They chuckle. JOSH I did it with gusto. DONNA That's 'cause you don't know the story of Fishhooks McCarty. JOSH Is this a real person or a Donna person? DONNA Corrupt politician on the Lower East Side in the '20s. Every morning he stopped at the St. James Church on Oliver Street and said the same prayer, "O Lord, give me health and strength. We'll steal the rest." JOSH Not that there needs to be, but... was there a point? DONNA You've got health and strength, both of which, coincidentally, I prayed for after hot lead was shot into your body. JOSH Yeah... You're going to need some Kryptonite, by the way. DONNA Okay, settle down. JOSH All right. DONNA So you've got health and strength. JOSH And we'll steal the rest? DONNA Bet your ass. JOSH All right. Good work tonight. Josh walks into the HALLWAY where he runs into Will. WILL Hi. JOSH What's up, Mr. Daley? WILL Bailey. JOSH Bill Bailey? WILL Will Bailey. JOSH So, if we're lucky, foreign aid's going to be funded for another 90 days at 75 cents on the dollar. No one who's ever said they wanted bipartisanship has ever meant it. But the people are speaking. Because 68% think we give too much in foreign aid, and 59% think it should be cut. WILL You like that stat? JOSH I do. WILL Why? They reach JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA. JOSH Because 9% think it's too high, and shouldn't be cut! 9% of respondents could not fully get their arms around the question. There should be another box you can check for, "I have utterly no idea what you're talking about. Please, God, don't ask for my input." WILL Why is foreign aid important? JOSH It fosters democracy. WILL There you go. JOSH [in British accent] Well, well played, young man. Very good, yes, yes. WILL I don't know if you realized, but for a second there, you changed voices. JOSH Someone said, "The best argument against democracy is five minutes with the average voter." WILL Churchill. He also said "Democracy is the worst form of government." JOSH See. WILL "Except for all the others." JOSH I know the end of the quote. I'll work with you on the legislative section. But after the vote, okay? We'll get some food. WILL Yes. Excuse me, please. Will sees C.J. standing in the LOBBY talking to Carol. Carol walks off as Will approaches. WILL Excuse me. C.J. Yes? WILL I believe you put a goat in my office, and I just want you to know that I stand here with full humor and total focus. C.J. starts walking toward him, so he starts walking backwards towards the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE as he talks to her. WILL You can fill my office with bicycles, you can cover the windows with "Seaborn for Congress" posters, you can bring in 101 Dalmatians. I'm focused on what I'm doing. C.J. Who are you? WILL I'm Will Bailey. C.J. C.J. Cregg. WILL Very nice to meet you. C.J. I didn't put the goat in your office. Someone else must have. WILL You didn't? C.J. I put it in the office that's being used by a new guy Toby and Josh are trying to give a hard time to-- Oh, wait... WILL You understand I'm working on the Inaugural address, right? C.J. How's that going? WILL There's bicycles and goats in my office! All right... Any care and feeding I should know about? C.J. The goat has a handler. I'll get it out... WILL No! I'll take my hazing like the Eaton valedictorian that I am. What's his name, please? C.J. Which one? WILL The handler. C.J. Mike. WILL The goat has a name? C.J. Ron. WILL Thank you. C.J. smiles as he walks away then turns around to go in her office. CUT TO: EXT. CAPITOL BUILDING - NIGHT PRESIDING OFFICER [VO] Two minutes till quorum call. CUT TO: INT. Donna is sitting down when Ellen walks into the room. DONNA Where do you learn to run out the clock like that? ELLEN The Senator's voting her conscience, Donna. DONNA She understands foreign aid. I've heard her talk about it. She's supposed to do what's right. ELLEN No, she was elected and she's suppose to do what the people think is right. DONNA [holding out her cellphone] Will you take this and walk it to her on the floor? That's all you have to do. Ellen looks at the phone then takes it from Donna's hand when... PRESIDING OFFICER [VO] All time has expired. The yeas and nays have been ordered. ELLEN Win some, you lose some. DONNA Can I tell you something? Josh has asked me to work Saturdays, work Sundays, and at least once a week he has me there after 1:00 AM. He's asked me to transpose portions of the federal budget into base-8, go to North Dakota and dress as an East German cocktail waitress. In five years of working for him, he's never asked me to hide him from something. Can I have my boss's phone back? Donna takes the phone out of Ellen's hand, then walks off. CUT TO: INT. WEST WING PRESS AREA - NIGHT C.J. and Danny are having Chinese food while watching the vote on TV. DANNY You having that? C.J. Yes. DANNY All of it? C.J. Yes! DANNY What about this? C.J. Yes! DANNY I'm pointing at twenty-three packets of soy sauce! C.J. I give them to the homeless. DANNY That's helpful. C.J. Are you talking through the whole vote? DANNY You're going to lose this one 60-40. C.J. Danny... DANNY Did I ruin the end? C.J. Could you even have this much sensitivity? [making a little space with her chopsticks] DANNY No. C.J. Why? DANNY 'Cause you blew it. C.J. The Senate blew it. DANNY You did. C.J. We did everything but pass a hat! DANNY Nobody wants to put money in a hat in Botswana when you got hats that need filling here. You can't make this about charity. It's about self-interest. We cut farm assistance in Colombia. Every single crop we developed was replaced with cocaine. We cut aid for primary education in northwest Pakistan and Egypt; the kids went to madrassahs. Why weren't you making a case that Republican senators are bad on drugs, and bad on national security? Why are Democrats always so bumfuzzled? By the way, 65 more flight schools today. Maisy hasn't found your guy. Don't worry. There are thousands more. C.J. You know something there, General Cho? If you had a story, you'd write it. If you don't have one, shut up. She shoves an egg roll in his mouth. C.J. We just lost a vote. We're not bumfuzzled. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to cancel a photo op with a goat. CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM - NIGHT Toby, Josh, Will, Leo, and staffers are watching the vote on a TV and Bartlet enters. BARTLET Tough beat, everybody. Thanks for the work. Next time, we let Josh do it the way he wants. JOSH Sir, have you met... BARTLET Bill Haley? WILL Will Bailey. BARTLET Okay. C.J. Good evening, Mr. President. BARTLET When's this thing with the cow? C.J. It's a goat now. BARTLET Okay. C.J. We'll cancel it. BARTLET You think? C.J. A milking goat? It's going to seem like a parody of foreign aid. BARTLET I don't know. I don't know everybody. C.J. wants to cancel the goat picture. Half the world's people live on less than two dollars a day. 130 million will never step inside a schoolhouse. Ingredients for bombs can be purchased at hardware stores and we've just given the Third World what the doctor ordered: rollbacks. Heifer International... they give free cows and goats to people who need milk? C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET Well, then, I don't think that we're in any position to be snotty. Let's do it... Let's do it right now. C.J. Carol? CAROL They're right out here. C.J. So, I think this will work. I think it says, "Well, you're impoverished and while we don't care, we don't want you to go away empty-handed, so we offer you this goat, Ron, to give you milk." Ron and his handler Mike enter the Mural Room. WILL Do males goats give milk? C.J. No, no, of course they don't. So, we offer you this thing that'll just gnaw on your stuff. BARTLET I'm not standing in this picture alone. This was a total team failure. Stand where you want, but I want my Chief of Staff and my Chief Political Advisor standing near the goat. They all gather around the goat to pose for the picture. The photographer is about to take a picture but Toby stops him. TOBY Hang on a second. Toby walks over to a staffer that is not going to be in the picture. TOBY May I? The staffer nods. TOBY Thank you. Toby takes the security pass from around the staffers neck and slips it around Ron's. They laugh. TOBY Now we're ready. BARTLET Let's go. [to Josh] Set that clock for 90 days. Bartlet puts his arm around Josh and the photographer snaps the picture. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 4.12 -- "Guns Not Butter" Original Air Date: January 8, 2002, 9:00 PM EST Transcribed by: ck1czar January 17, 2003