Episode Summary:
While the President (Martin Sheen) and his staff ponder whether to counter a verbal assault on affirmative action by a fast-rising Republican presidential candidate, Josh (Bradley Whitford) must postpone his tropical vacation with a women’s rights advocate (Mary-Louise Parker) to defuse a risky powderkeg on an island that serves as the Navy’s firing range. When Josh rolls up his sleeves to remove protesters who have planted themselves in harm’s way on the Puerto Rican island, he makes his first call to the cell phone of an old friend who’s leading the group. Meanwhile, Sam (Rob Lowe) meets with an eccentric politician (Sam Lloyd) who believes that Ft. Knox is missing a fortune in gold bullion; a defiant C.J. (Allison Janney) debates with Toby (Richard Schiff) over the merits of affirmative action; and Donna (Janel Moloney) asks Josh to intercede and relieve her of pending jury duty.
Script:
THE WEST WING "THE TWO BARTLETS" TELEPLAY BY: KEVIN FALLS AND AARON SORKIN STORY BY: GENE SPERLING DIRECTED BY: ALEX GRAVES TEASER FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - EARLY MORNING 5:14 A.M. BZZT. The Intercom buzzes. Suddenly, in the dark, Josh sits up in bed, moaning and groaning, just getting up from sleep. BZZT. The Intercom buzzes again. Someone is outside. Josh gets up, turns a light on, and lets the visitor in. He picks up a remote control on a table and turns the television on in his living room. NEWSCASTER 1 The Supreme Court has issued its annual report. Details in this report... Josh turns on a second television, set on another channel, in his kitchen. Then he turns to his coffee maker and opens the top. He slowly picks up the coffee ground from yesterday and throws it in the trash. NEWSCASTER 2 Voters in Iowa will pass the first ballots as the Presidential primary season officially gets underway. President Bartlet, unchallenged in the Democratic caucus is flying to Cedar Rapids today. While on the Republican side, Governor Ritchie looks to be the front-runner in the primaries. The official campaign season begins today in Iowa... Josh opens his refrigerator and reaches for a coffee can. Finding it empty, he almost puts it back. JOSH Why would I put it back? He goes back to his trashcan and picks up the coffee ground he just threw away and puts it back in the coffee maker. NEWSCASTER 2 There will be only one candidate in the kickoff... President Jed Bartlet. President Bartlet is the first Democratic incumbent since Franklin Roosevelt to go unchallenged by his own party. With no opposition, he could easily bypass the Iowa caucus. Someone knocks on the door. Josh goes to answer. NEWSCASTER 2 [CONT.] The President feels that in the spirit of democracy, he must present himself... The knocking continues. NEWSCASTER 2 [CONT.] ...to the American people as the candidate... Josh opens the door for his early morning visitor. It's Amy. AMY Hello. JOSH Hello. Amy walks in and makes herself comfortable. She puts down her purse, takes off her coat and gets a glass of water in the kitchen. AMY You let anybody up without asking who it is? JOSH I thought you were breakfast. AMY You know what? JOSH What? AMY John's never asked to see the WLC's high donor database. JOSH What? AMY He's never asked to see the high donor database or any other mailing list... so, how do you like them apples? JOSH I just went to sleep about two hours ago. AMY You think he's using me. JOSH Is the sun even up? AMY I just thought you should know. JOSH No, not so much. AMY Those pajamas are too big for you. JOSH What makes you say that? AMY Well, you've got the bottoms all... JOSH I know it's too big for me. What are you doing here? AMY Demonstrating, once and for all, that John's not using me to get the women's vote. JOSH You're flaky. You know that? You're quite the flake. AMY Not once has he asked to see the database... JOSH I was done with this fight a month ago. AMY ...Never asked us to sponsor a fundraiser for him. JOSH It's early. AMY It's January. You think it's too early to start raising money? JOSH No, I'm saying it's 5:00 in the morning. AMY I offered him a slot to speak on Safe Haven Laws; he declined. He hardly takes photo-ops with me. JOSH He always takes photo-ops with you. AMY [beat] Yes. Yes, he does, but he never runs them in his Congressional newsletter... How do you like them apples? JOSH We're gonna stop with the apples soon, right? AMY Admit that you're wrong, and that his relationship with me has nothing to do with politics. JOSH [walks to his kitchen] I admit it. AMY [follows him] You mean it? JOSH No, of course, I'm right. And his relationship with you has everything to do with politics. He's a power dater. That's what power daters do. You know how I know? AMY 'Cause you're a power dater? JOSH That's right. AMY Well, you know how I know that you're wrong? JOSH 'Cause you looked in his eyes, saw his soul, and confronted him in a moment of human honesty? AMY That's right. JOSH Then he was sure to tell you the truth. AMY Well, he didn't have to. JOSH Why? AMY 'Cause he asked me to marry him. Josh, stunned, looks at her. AMY How do you like them app--? JOSH No. [pause] He asked you to marry him? AMY Yes. JOSH And you want me to talk you out of it? AMY You don't have to talk me out of it. I said no. JOSH Good. AMY And then I told him I thought we should stop seeing each other for a while. JOSH Really? AMY Yes. JOSH Okay. AMY [beat] Now you're nervous. JOSH No, I'm not. AMY Josh, you and I spent four nights with each other. I didn't break up with him for you. I'm not pathetic-stalking-woman who, you know... does things. JOSH We spent six nights with each other. AMY What are you counting? JOSH I'm counting them all. AMY It was four. JOSH He just upped and proposed? AMY Yes, Hamlet. It's called being decisive. JOSH No, Ophelia. It's called a political asset. AMY Well, what does it matter now? JOSH It doesn't. AMY [beat] And that's all you're gonna say? JOSH I'll say more when you call me 30 seconds from your cell phone. AMY You know, for the most insecure guy I've ever met, you're pretty sure of yourself. [picks up her coat and purse] JOSH You'll call me from your cell phone 'cause that's where the real conversation always takes place. AMY You can't afford pajamas that fit? JOSH It's laundry day. AMY I'll see you. She walks out and closes the door. Seconds later, Josh's phone rings. He answers it. JOSH Time number one was on the steps in front of my apartment when you kissed me. It was snowing. Time number two was when you came over after the State of the Union. Time number three was at your house when you put on your bootleg tape of the Stones at Wembley Stadium and put on your feather boa... Surprisingly, Amy is not on the other end of the line. It's Leo. He is busy writing something on his desk. Margaret is there with him, listening to Josh on the speaker. JOSH [CONT.] ...and sang 'Honky Tonk Woman.' Time number four involved a variety of hosiery... LEO Josh, I'm gonna stop you right here, okay? JOSH Leo? LEO Yeah. JOSH Anybody else in the office? MARGARET Hey, Josh. JOSH Hey, Margaret. LEO We've got a problem in Vieques and a caucus in Iowa. Why don't you come on into work, hmm? JOSH Yeah. [hangs up] SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY 5:40 A.M. A television screen in the passageway is tuned to CNN Headline News. It's just moments after Air Force One took off for Iowa. NEWSCASTER 2 Voters in Iowa will pass the first ballots as the Presidential primary season officially gets underway. President Bartlet, unchallenged in the Democratic caucus is flying to Cedar Rapids today. While on the Republican side, Governor Ritchie looks to be the front-runner in the primaries. The official campaign season begins today in Iowa... In the staff cabin, C.J. is talking to her father on the phone. C.J. I'm on the plane... No, I'm on the plane... I'll be coming back tonight. It's just for the day... No, it's just for the day, Dad. We're coming back tonight... I won't be tired... I'll sleep if I'm tired, but I won't be tired... 'Cause we're coming back at 8:00 and I don't get tired at 8:00, plus I won't be the one flying the plane... Oh, my God. Dad, 'cause this is how it is. If it's in the 48 states, we come back the same day. The taxpayers paid for a very comfortable and fast airplane, and this is what they had in mind when they did... Am I gonna... No... Because I don't live in Iowa, and I'm not allowed to vote there... Ah, see. There's always a catch... Well, he's unchallenged in the Iowa caucus, so I like our chances... No, Dad. I'm on the plane... All right. I'll try and call you later if there's anything interesting to report... Talk to you later. When she hangs up, the pilot speaks on the P.A. C.J. gets up and walks. PILOT [on P.A.] Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, good morning from the flight deck. This is Lieutenant Colonel Gantry. We're passing through some turbulence on our way to a cruising altitude of 41,000 feet. Our flight plan this morning... The plane encounters a little turbulence as the lights flicker. C.J. almost loses her balance, but she keeps on walking. PILOT [CONT.] ...is going to take us over Wheeling and Toledo, the South Shore of Lake Michigan, then over Aurora, Illinois before we make our final approach to Eastern Iowa Airport in Cedar Rapids... CONFERENCE ROOM. Toby is in a meeting with some people. As soon as he's done, C.J. enters. WOMAN Two weeks and we're in New Hampshire. TOBY Anything else? [beat] Okay. Thanks everybody. PILOT [on P.A.] ...Our flight time today is an hour and 52. C.J. Excuse me. TOBY Is it possible we're riding into town in a soy-diesel bus? C.J. There was talk of it, but that idea got kicked off pretty quick. TOBY Yeah, okay. C.J. I'm gonna go back there. Have you guys zeroed in on a message for the day? TOBY How to reform the freedom to form act? C.J. [sighs] Ritchie's pulled in to single digits in the overnights. TOBY I saw. C.J. What a gift from heaven it would be if he won. TOBY Hmm? Yeah. Out of the room they walk. C.J. So, the Four-H Convention? TOBY We're not going. C.J. I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow? TOBY I'm that way. C.J. There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper, which has, I swear to God, Toby... TOBY Butter on the table? C.J. It's got butter on the table right there between butter James and butter Peter. An almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewers to recall Marcel Duchamp. TOBY How do they keep it from melting? C.J. How indeed. In the other end of the passageway, when Toby gets his coffee, Nancy walks up. NANCY Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin. TOBY Thank you. They walk back to the staff cabin. C.J. Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter. Toby picks up the phone. MAN [on the phone] Mr. Ziegler, this is Signal Operator Number 41. I have a call from Mr. Seaborn in the White House. TOBY Thank you. C.J. Duchamp is the father of Dadaism. TOBY I know. C.J. The dada of Dada. TOBY It's like there's nothing you can do about that joke. It's coming, and you just have to stand there. C.J. The cow made of butter? That's how I like my irony served, my friend. TOBY I have a phone call waiting that's being relayed through four satellites. C.J. Okay. [a stare] Okay. TOBY [answers the phone] Yeah. THE WHITE HOUSE. Sam just got his coffee from the mess and heads for his office. SAM Hey, I'm gonna guess where you are right now, okay? TOBY Okay. SAM Wheels-up was 5:35 heading west-northwest. [looks at his watch] You're not at your cruising altitude yet, so I'm gonna say an average of 400 knots with a light headwind, but I'm gonna go ahead and guess Cumberland, West Virginia. Am I right? TOBY I have no idea. SAM Well, then we'll say I'm right. Listen, do you remember Bob Engler? TOBY No. SAM I met with him a few years ago from the U.S. Space Command. TOBY He told you they were tracking UFO in the skies over Maui? SAM Yeah. Do you have any idea why I have another appointment with him today? TOBY I don't. SAM Okay. Sam reaches his office. Toby sits. TOBY Listen, Ritchie's made a statement last night in support of the Pennsylvania Referendum banning any use of race in college admission. I think the President should say something in the U.I. Campus. SAM About affirmative action? TOBY Yeah. SAM He shouldn't. TOBY Why? SAM Because Ritchie's not gonna be the Republican nominee for President. TOBY Write up a few sentences would you? Send it up to the plane right away. SAM Yeah. TOBY Okay. [hangs up] CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY Josh comes in his office to start the day. Donna is already there. JOSH Hi. DONNA Good morning. JOSH I'm a little tired today. DONNA Really? JOSH Yeah. DONNA From the lovemaking? JOSH I'm supposed to see Leo. DONNA Yeah. They walk out of the office to go see Leo. DONNA [CONT.] Listen. I need a favor. I need you to get me out of jury duty. JOSH Why? DONNA 'Cause I have jury duty. JOSH When? DONNA Tomorrow. JOSH Well, why don't you wait till we're a little closer and ask me again? DONNA Can you do it? JOSH No. DONNA Why not? JOSH What kind of legal authority do you think I'm empowered with? DONNA But you're a powerful man. JOSH [stops] You get... Yes, thank you. LOBBY. A maintenance man is working on the ceiling as they pass by. JOSH [CONT.] You get deferrals, don't you? DONNA Only four. JOSH And? DONNA I-I've used them all up. JOSH Then it looks like justice is finally in your hands. DONNA I don't want it in my hands right now. I'm kind of seeing somebody. JOSH Yes, well, there's nothing I can do for you. DONNA I'm surprised to hear that 'cause you're such a powerful man. All the girls say so. Have you been zapped of the power by the lovemaking? On cue, Margaret passes by between them, overhearing Donna. She looks strangely at Josh. JOSH She... I don't... MARGARET He's waiting for you. Josh walks in LEO'S OFFICE. LEO Hey. JOSH What's going on in Vieques? Protesters? LEO Yeah. Listen. Something like five ships out of the U.S.S. Thurman Battle Carrier steamed in yesterday. What they need is final combat certifications before they can be deployed to the Indian Ocean where they're needed right now. JOSH Yeah. LEO You understand they need to do ship-to-shore gunnery and air-to-ground bombing exercises before they're certified, and they can't go until they're certified. JOSH Okay. LEO [stands] All right. So some 40 protesters have planted themselves in a live target range. JOSH I don't-I'm sorry. Why am I...? This is national security. LEO One of the protesters, in fact, the leader, apparently, is a friend of yours. JOSH Billy. LEO Yeah. JOSH [pause] Arrest them. It's what he's waiting for you to do. LEO This is a well-known actor. This well-loved young man in the Hispanic community. He's with other well-loved men in the Hispanic community. JOSH Wait them out. LEO They've got supplies, and we don't have the time. He's got a cell phone, and we've got the number. JOSH [beat] No. LEO Yeah. JOSH Leo, if I wasn't working here, I'd probably be with them down there. LEO Yeah, but you're working here. JOSH This is a crappy thing to do with friendship. These things aren't supposed to be personal. LEO We're at DefCon 4. I'm sorry. We're arranging the call. Leo doesn't wait for a response. He walks in the Roosevelt Room. CUT TO: INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY In the President's cabin, Bartlet is having a meeting. Toby waits outside. BARTLET You can check a whip count, but I don't think we get 60 votes in a cloture motion. WOMAN We think we lose eight Democrats who don't want to spend capital on a foreign aid budget. BARTLET I think we lose eight Democrats once they find there is a foreign aid budget. [beat] Anything else? EVERYONE Thank you, Mr. President. Toby waits for everyone to walk out before he enters. BARTLET What's up? TOBY Uh, well, Ritchie made a statement last night in support of the Referendum in Pennsylvania. Sam's gonna work on a few lines in response. BARTLET Look, he's gonna make statements during the primary that force me to move to my left. It's not like I get a swing at every pitch, right? TOBY You know everyone still thinks it's gonna be Simon. BARTLET You and I know different. TOBY The overnights have Ritchie inside single digits. BARTLET Every candidate's dream opponent, huh? TOBY Yeah. BARTLET I'll take a look at what Sam does. TOBY [pause] We should respond. BARTLET I'll take a look at it. TOBY Thank you, Mr. President. Toby leaves. We overhear the news. NEWSCASTER 2 ...the race officially began today, as the Iowa caucus gets underway... FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY 6:26 A.M. Sam knocks on the door. JOSH Come in. Sam enters and sits across the desk from Josh. SAM What's going on? JOSH I'm waiting for a phone call. SAM I mean in Vieques. JOSH Billy Molina and some people were in a Coast Guard line. They've camped out in the live target range. There's a carrier that has to fire in the live target range or they can't be certified. If they're not certified, they can't be deployed, and they have to be deployed. SAM So they're hooking you up with Billy. JOSH [stands and walks] Yeah. It's a strange day when I'm involved with National Security. SAM I was just thinking the same thing. JOSH You know what else? SAM What? JOSH Tandy asked Amy to marry him. SAM [pause] Seriously? JOSH Yeah. She said no. SAM Yeah. JOSH [sits back down] That happened fast, don't you think? SAM No, no. Don't do this. JOSH What? SAM I recognize this. JOSH As what? SAM She didn't break up with him for you. I guarantee it. She is a fully independent woman. She's the real thing. Stop looking at her different than you did yesterday. JOSH I just said it was a little fast. SAM The next thing that happens, you find a reason to be mad at her. JOSH You're wrong. SAM Guys like you? JOSH Yeah? SAM I'm one of them. DONNA [enters] Josh? JOSH Yeah? DONNA He's on. Sam takes his leave. Josh answers the phone. JOSH Billy, it's Josh. Okay, just tell me a couple things first. Is everybody okay? Is anybody hurt? CUT TO: INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY Toby is reading from a draft. Bartlet listens. TOBY [reads] 'The American Dream is opportunity, and together we must give every child the chance to reach for his or her dreams. This is why we must ensure the opportunity is real, that the dream is neither deferred nor denied, that hope is not a privilege for the few...' [to Bartlet] This is Sam's? BARTLET No. I reworked it. TOBY '...but a promise for all generations to follow.' Sir, I've read it twice, and I don't even know where you stand on affirmative action. BARTLET Yeah. I was trying to avoid a quote. TOBY As well as nouns and pronouns. BARTLET It's purposely nonspecific. TOBY I don't even know what we're talking about. BARTLET We get the word out to our friends, but I was obviously nodding in the direction of affirmative action. TOBY How about if we oppose affirmative action and get the word out to our friends you were just kidding? BARTLET Nobody's questioning where we stand. TOBY Sir... BARTLET I don't want to campaign today. TOBY [beat] What happened to writing a new book? BARTLET We will, but we don't... Man, we don't have to piss people off everyday in order to demonstrate that we're not... TOBY Yes. BARTLET Look, we're going to Iowa where we already won. I'm not ignoring the state, and I say thank you for getting me elected in the first place, and we're back on the plane. And I'll tell you what else. I don't think it's a good idea for us to be fighting for news coverage with three governors, two senators, and the head of the church of I Hate You. Let's just get in under the radar. TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET I'll say a few words. TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET That's it. TOBY Thank you, Mr. President. Toby exits when he gives back the draft. He walks to the staff cabin and sits down. To his left is C.J. C.J. What'd he say? No response. Toby just looks away. C.J. They say something in the primary that force us to the left so that we have to... TOBY Is that how it works? C.J. Yes. TOBY Tell me more, Obi-Wan. C.J. I'm saying... TOBY He's going to a college campus. It's a pretty good time to talk about affirmative action when it comes to admissions. C.J. [beat] Yeah. TOBY What? C.J. Your father didn't need affirmative action and neither did mine, and they were both children of immigrants. TOBY Your father needed the G.I. bill and so did mine. C.J. [pause] I'm the wrong Democrat to talk to about this. TOBY Why? C.J. 'Cause... [pause] After my father fought in Korea, he became what this government begs every college graduate to become. He became a teacher, and he raised a family on a teachers salary. And he paid his taxes, and always crossed at the green. And anytime there was an opportunity for career advancement, it took an extra five years because invariably there is a less-qualified black woman in the picture, so instead of retiring as superintendent of the Ohio Valley Union Free School District, he retired head of the math department at William Henry Harrison Junior High. TOBY How is he these days? C.J. Who? TOBY Your dad. C.J. [pause] He's fine. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY Josh walks in. Leo and two other men are already inside. JOSH We got cut off. LEO We know. MAN 1 The cell phone went dead, and they have to recharge it. They're gonna need to use a solar recharger, and that's gonna take a few hours. JOSH Why a few hours? LEO For the weather to clear. MAN 1 Look, when you get back on the phone with him, we'd like you to stand a little tougher. JOSH Excuse me? MAN 1 I said we'd like you to... JOSH Then you get on the phone with him. MAN 1 Look... JOSH This isn't a hostage situation. It's a legitimate protest. MAN 1 One where... JOSH You're free. Excuse me, sir. You're free to arrest them or shoot them, but we won't because it's bad politics. Let's just remember what the thing is here. MAN 1 This is not the time for people to be protesting. JOSH Puerto Rico lived under Spain for four centuries, under the U.S. for one. In 500 years, it hasn't determined its own destiny for five minutes. They're using depleted uranium shells-- MAN 1 A lecture about... JOSH --napalm, cluster bombs. Vieques has a cancer rate 25% higher than the rest of Puerto Rico. When is the time to be protesting? Tell me. I'll tell them. They'll do it. LEO We'll need you in a few hours. JOSH [pause] Thank you. [leaves abruptly] CUT TO: INT. WOMEN'S LEADERSHIP COALITION - DAY Josh is walking down a fancy hallway. On a monitor, Amy is in a ballroom speaking to a friendly crowd. Josh walks into the ballroom and watches from the back. AMY 100 Anti-choice votes. I'm not fine with it. A Congress that votes to ban late-term abortions even when a woman's life is in danger. 'Affordable day care' is a contradiction in terms. Gag rules and old men who think women's issues should be the subject of PTA meetings and not the U.S. House of Representatives. I'm not fine with it. The WLC's not fine with it. Women aren't fine with it. APPLAUSE. AMY [CONT.] It's really something every two years we get to overthrow a government. More APPLAUSE. AMY [CONT.] And guess what's coming up in November? In ten months, we can make the difference. Let's get out the vote. Let's get ourselves organized. Let's get the Congress we deserve. Thank you very much and may God bless America. A thunderous APPLAUSE as Amy gets a standing ovation. As she shakes hands with guests, she sees Josh in the back, who motions for her to come. CUT TO: INT. AMY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Josh is waiting. Other people are in the room as well. Amy sees Josh. AMY Hi. JOSH Hi. AMY Did you hear the whole thing? JOSH I heard you overthrow the government. AMY That's always money in the bank. JOSH Tell me about it. AMY Hey guys, could I have the room for a minute? The others leave the room for Amy and Josh. JOSH Is there someone who can take care of Henry? AMY [pause] What do you have against Henry? JOSH Nothing. I... love Henry. Is there someone that takes care of him when you go away? AMY I leave him with my sister. JOSH What do you think about going away for a few days? AMY Where? JOSH Tahiti... or Paris. Venice. We can go to Epcot if you want. AMY Tahiti? JOSH Lie on the beach, dance at night, reggae, a little UB-40... AMY Reggae's the Caribbean. JOSH They don't have reggae in Tahiti? AMY I think we should find out. JOSH I'm sorry? AMY I said I think we should find out. JOSH We should. AMY When? JOSH Day after tomorrow. AMY Okay. JOSH Okay. AMY Okay. [smiles] JOSH I'm buying plane tickets right now. I'm making reservations. AMY Go. JOSH I'm going. AMY You're not going fast enough. JOSH I'm saying when I walk out that door, I'm buying plane tickets. AMY I'm saying when I walk out that door, I'm buying new bikinis. JOSH I'm going fast now. Amy is still smiling as Josh leaves. CUT TO: EXT. THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA - DAY Secret Service agents are posted outside the campus. By the main stairs of the building, a woman is passing out small American flags to passersby. Nearby, an open van is parked. It holds some television screens inside. Toby is pacing in front of a TV screen and smoking a cigar as he watches Bartlet make his speech in front of the Iowa press inside the campus building. WOMAN [on T.V.] Mr. President, can you speak on environmental impact on the water, sir? BARTLET [on T.V.] Well, farming isn't the only cause, even the main cause, but it's a significance in land use in watersheds and run-offs from dairy operations from hog and poultry operations. They can be carried into the water by rainfall and snowmelt. It's what's called 'non point source pollution.' The reporters clamor for questions. BARTLET [on T.V.] Yeah, over here. [points] DONALD ATWELL [on T.V.] Mr. President, Donald Atwell, Iowa City Standard. Governor Ritchie came out this morning in support of the Pennsylvania Referendum banning affirmative action, with regards to college admissions, and I was wondering if you'd comment. BARTLET [on T.V.] Well, you know what, now that we've abolished discrimination in our laws, we need to abolish it in our hearts and minds. DONALD ATWELL [on T.V.] But specifically with regards to... The reporters continue to clamor. BARTLET [on T.V.] Thanks a lot everybody. It's great to be back in Iowa. Bartlet steps off of his podium. Toby had suddenly stopped and touched his head. Bartlet was asked the question, and his answer doesn't please Toby. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY 4:45 P.M. Donna joins Sam as he walks down the hall. DONNA Sam? Sam ol' man. SAM Yes. DONNA I need you to give me some voir dire coaching. SAM You want to be chosen for a jury? DONNA I want to not be chosen for a jury. They walk in the COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN. SAM All right. Well, the lawyers are gonna ask you some general questions, and... DONNA For instance? SAM Do you know any reason why you can't render an impartial verdict? DONNA I hate criminals. SAM Do you have any prejudices or feelings that might influence the jury in rendering a verdict? DONNA I hate criminals, and I'm assuming if you're in this courtroom, you did something wrong, so... SAM Yeah. The judge is gonna throw you in jail. GINGER [enters] Sam? When Sam looks, Ginger points towards the Roosevelt Room. SAM Here I go. CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY Sam walks in slowly and quietly. His guest is sitting down, but a lampshade blocks Sam's view of Bob Engler's face. SAM Bob? BOB Sam? He walks to face him. SAM How've you been? BOB I've been well. SAM [sits] Hey, you know what? You remember that UFO you were tracking over Maui? Turned out to be an abandoned Russian satellite. One of its rockets didn't fire, so it couldn't reenter. BOB So you would have us believe. SAM No, really. BOB Yes, of course. SAM [pause] Why don't we get to it, Bob? BOB Absolutely, Sam. On behalf of two different Congressmen, I would like permission to tour the U.S. Bullion Depository. SAM Where is that? BOB Fort Knox, Kentucky. SAM Talk to the Treasury Department. BOB We have, and not at all surprisingly, they've said no. SAM Why do you want to tour Fort Knox? BOB It was brought to our attention that of the 8500 metric tons of gold that are stored there, only 1000 remain. SAM Really? BOB Yes, sir. SAM Who brought it to your attention? BOB Let's just say a friend of ours. SAM [beat] A human friend, or...? BOB Sam, I know what you think of me and the work I do. I've lived with this attitude my whole life. My father lived with it, too. I'm seeking a Presidential order for the depository to be audited. SAM Well, I'll pass that along. BOB I'm sure you will. SAM Bob... BOB Has the President ever toured the vault? SAM No. BOB No. Only two Presidents have: Roosevelt and Truman. SAM You think there's something funny going on? BOB I, and two Congressmen think the gold has been replaced. SAM With what? Silence. Sam couldn't help but listen. SAM I won't get sucked into this. BOB Sam... SAM I won't get sucked into this. BOB The Papoose Lake Spacecraft... SAM There's no such thing. BOB ...taken from Roswell to Groom Lake in 1947. A little piece of land called Area 51, my friend. SAM This is like Dungeons and Dragons camp all over again. We tested U-2 planes in Area 51. BOB Which is why, in '57, they had to take Papoose to Fort Knox. SAM I've got news for you. Ten years ago, the Secretary of the Air Force concluded an exhausted search of records. BOB Oh, I read it, and my father read it, and the report concluded that the activities in the desert was balloon research. SAM It was balloon research. BOB A crew was retrieved. SAM They were anthropomorphic dummies. BOB Sam, patronize me, laugh at my work, but please don't minimize the lifetime my father spent in this pursuit. The man had three Ph.D.s. There were bodies at Roswell Army Airfield Hospital. Outside, Josh knocks at the door. Sam gets up. SAM Excuse me. [stops just short of the door and turns to look at Bob] When did your dad pass away? BOB Pardon? SAM When did he pass away? BOB Three months ago. SAM Excuse me. Sam exits and faces Josh. JOSH Listen... SAM I'm sorry, but I'm in there with this guy. You wouldn't believe it. He insists the government is concealing evidence of extraterrestrial contact, and we've got it at Fort Knox. Not sure how to reply, Josh changes the subject. JOSH We were able to make a deal with Billy. They'll pull off the island right away. In exchange, we meet with a delegation, political affairs, Navy... SAM It's not gonna look like we caved? JOSH We'll be slapped by the right, but they're not gonna want to piss off the Latinos. SAM Good. JOSH You know what else? I'm going to Tahiti with Amy. SAM You're kidding. JOSH Day after tomorrow. [beat] So this, this guy... SAM Yeah, the thing is... he kind of inherited the family business. JOSH I-I gotta go online and buy Tahitian things. SAM Okay. When Josh walks off, Sam goes back in. SAM Bob? BOB Yes? SAM [sits] I was just talking to... Let's just say I talked to an associate. This associate has higher clearance than I do. BOB And? SAM You can keep pursuing this, and I imagine you will, but we can't give you the proper paperwork you'll need to audit the vault. [beat] You understand? BOB [disgruntled] Oh, I think I understand. SAM Do you? BOB Wink's as good as a nod to a blind man. SAM Yeah... Listen. These two Congressmen, they're Democrats? BOB [pause] I'm not at liberty to say. SAM I understand. Thank you very much. BOB Thank you, Sam. CUT TO: INT. AIR FORCE ONE - DAY Toby, C.J., and Charlie are seated. The pilot speaks. PILOT [on P.A.] Well, Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, from the Flight Deck, this is Lieutenant Colonel Gantry. We'll reach our cruising altitude of 37,000 feet in approximately 20 minutes as we pass over Elgin, Illinois, Detroit, Akron, McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania before we begin our final descent in Andrews. Enjoy the flight. TOBY It's happening again. C.J. Toby... TOBY It is. C.J. He was good. TOBY No, he wasn't. C.J. He was what he was supposed to be. TOBY He was Uncle Fluffy. It's Dr. Jekyll and Uncle Fluffy all over again. C.J. He said he wasn't gonna respond to Ritchie, and I totally agree that it's too early. TOBY He was asked the question. He was asked the question. More turbulence. The plane rumbles. TOBY [to Charlie] No word on the Republicans? CHARLIE There's a poll that has Ritchie pulling even. C.J. Oh, that'd be too much to hope for. TOBY There's an old expression: 'Quando dio, ole castigarci ci manda, quello che desideriamo.' When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. [pause] Anyway, he's doing it again. The plane rumbles before we- CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Leo is on his way to leave when Josh walks in. JOSH You wanted me? LEO Yeah. It's all set up. JOSH The meeting? LEO Yeah. They walk out into the HALLWAY. JOSH This is great. Good is gonna come from this. LEO Maybe. JOSH Maybe. Yeah, but how often do you get to... LEO Yeah. JOSH When's the meeting? LEO Day after tomorrow. JOSH [pause] You're kidding. LEO No. JOSH Perfect. LEO We wanted to do it right away. JOSH Yeah. They stop walking. LEO What's the problem? JOSH Nothing. LEO What's the problem? JOSH There's a woman I've been... LEO Amy Gardner. JOSH [beat] Yeah. LEO I hear things. JOSH I know. LEO I try to forget them quickly, but... JOSH We were supposed to... This is ridiculous. We were supposed to go away. LEO Where? JOSH It doesn't matter. We just... We've been having trouble getting together on... Day after tomorrow? LEO Go. JOSH I can't. LEO Go. JOSH I need to be here for this. LEO No, you don't. JOSH Don't worry about it. LEO My wife lives in my house. I live in a hotel. And this is why. JOSH Yeah. Okay. I-I'm glad it's taken care of. I'm glad we got the meeting. LEO Okay. They part ways. Donna joins Josh as they walk to the BULLPEN AREA. DONNA Listen. JOSH Yeah. DONNA The trick, obviously, is appearing unsuitable not just for this, but for any jury while avoiding a contempt citation. So wouldn't you think if I just explain to them that my boss is a lawyer, my lawyer's a lawyer, and I'm dating a lawyer, that that ought to... JOSH It's jury duty. It's not appendectomy. It's jury duty. Do it, don't do it, but if you don't do it, you don't get to complain about the O.J. verdict. He leaves Donna by her desk. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Josh sits on his chair, picks up his phone and dials. On the other end, Amy answers. CUT TO: INT. AMY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Amy is lying face down on her bed next to her dog while reading a Tahitian book. AMY Hello? JOSH Amy? AMY Josh. JOSH Yeah. AMY 'Ia ro-rah-nah my-tie oh-ay.' I've just said, 'Hello, how are you' in Tahitian. Now you say, 'My-tie vah-oo,' which means 'I am fine.' JOSH I can't go day after tomorrow. AMY Yeah. JOSH I mean I can go another time, but I can't go day after tomorrow. AMY Well, it was pretty sudden for you. JOSH It was pretty sudden for anybody, Amy. AMY You're the one who asked me. JOSH There was a problem in Vieques today, and we came to a good resolution, and it involves a meeting day after tomorrow. AMY And Leo's making you stay for the meeting? JOSH Yeah. No. He's not. I want to stay. AMY Okay. JOSH For one thing, it involves a friend of mine, and he did something he didn't want to do, and... Look, I just want to make sure his back is covered. AMY Look, don't get angry at me. JOSH I'm not. AMY You're getting preemptively angry with me, which assumes I'm other people, and frankly, I'd rather be a political asset, if you know what I mean. JOSH I do, and when you're done comparison-shopping, give me a call. AMY Well, I'd definitely be waiting by your phone, Josh. Take it easy. When Josh hangs up, Donna enters. DONNA Josh. JOSH Yeah. DONNA I don't know if you care, but you officially won the Iowa Democratic Caucus. [exits] FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT 9:25 P.M. Toby and C.J. are just getting back from the trip. TOBY You know, after slavery and voting rights, if the occasional Caucasian loses a promotion... C.J. I think we're gonna have to agree to disagree. TOBY I don't like doing that. Ginger passes by. TOBY Ginger, you got it? GINGER Right here. [gives him a file] C.J. You phoned ahead for research? TOBY Sure. This is Washington on the need for a national university. C.J. I'm pretty tired. TOBY It's brief. C.J. Toby, please. C.J. enters her office. Toby stays outside and reads from the file. TOBY [reads] 'In the general, juvenile period of life, when friendships are formed and habits established that will stick by one, the youth from different parts of the United States would be assembled together and would, by degree, discover that there was not just cause for those jealousies and prejudices, which one part of the union imbided against one another.' [walks in] C.J. He said, 'We banished discrimination from our laws. Now let's banish discrimination from our minds and hearts.' TOBY Who? C.J. The President in Iowa. He said, 'Let's banish discrimination from our minds and hearts.' How is affirmative action doing that? TOBY I'm talking about college admissions. C.J. I'm talking about my father. TOBY Why? C.J. 'Cause he's not doing fine. He forgets things. [pause] He forgets things. TOBY [pause] He's not a young guy anymore. C.J. I'm not talking about dates and phone numbers. TOBY [beat] I know. C.J. He forgets what's going on. He thought this was the general election today, and... he snaps back in, but... [pause] And I... I think sometimes that if he'd lived... [voice breaking] the life he wanted to... [sits] And he's gotta watch me bopping around on Air Force One. Sam, unaware of the current atmosphere, walks in. SAM Hey! Welcome back. C.J. Sam, have you ever seen the butter cow at the Four-H Convention? SAM I have. And the butter Last Supper with the butter? C.J. Yes. SAM [to Toby] You know what the Bob Engler meeting turned out to be? TOBY This is the UFO guy? SAM Yeah. He thinks the government is keeping alien bodies at the Bullion Depository in Fort Know. What are we keeping in the Bullion Depository in Fort Knox? C.J. [pause] Soup? SAM No, seriously. There used to be 8500 metric tons of gold there, now most of them's moved out. C.J. Yeah. SAM What's there now? TOBY I wouldn't ask a lot of questions, Sam. SAM What do you mean? TOBY Don't worry about it. SAM Okay. I'm going back to my office. [exits] TOBY [pause, to C.J.] Call him. He waits a moment before leaving. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The room is very dark. Someone knocks at the door. JOSH Coming. Josh opens the door for Amy. AMY Donna told me to come over. What's going on? JOSH Thanks for coming. [invites her in] Something's wrong with the lights. Let me feel around for a switch here. All of a sudden, Josh switches the light on. The room is now decorated with colorful lights and other Tahitian ornaments. At the same time, music is played. Amy looks around, amazed at the view. SINGER Red, red wine Goes to my head Makes me forget that I... AMY You did this? JOSH A little piece of Tahiti right here in Georgetown. Would you like a Samoan Fog Cutter or a Navy Grog? A Samoan Fog Cutter has three kinds of rum, including Bacardi 451 and... [Amy plays with his ear] the difference between that and a Navy Grog is... AMY Did you ask me over to exchange recipes? Josh puts red lei around Amy's neck. AMY Should I change? JOSH Into what? AMY I remember a pair of big pajamas. JOSH [smiles] Yeah. Good thinking. AMY You can turn on the news, you know. JOSH I don't want to turn on the news. AMY Just to see how they're covering Iowa. Amy pushes a button on the remote control and turns the TV on... NEWSCASTER ...by 12 points... But Josh snatches it and turns the TV off. SINGER Red, red wine Stay close to me Don't let me be alone... As Josh and Amy get comfortably close, Josh leans in to kiss her. DISSOLVE TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Charlie goes by the Oval Office door. Toby is waiting by the desk. CHARLIE Sir? BARTLET [O.S.] Yeah? CHARLIE Can you see Toby? BARTLET [O.S.] No. CHARLIE Yes, sir. [walks back] BARTLET [O.S.] Charlie? Charlie returns. BARTLET [O.S.] Send him in. THE OVAL OFFICE. Toby walks in. TOBY Good evening sir. BARTLET I thought you'd gone home. TOBY I was just watching some of the coverage. BARTLET It's gonna be Ritchie. TOBY Yeah. BARTLET I mean it's gonna be Ritchie. TOBY I know. BARTLET It would have been, I don't know, it would have seemed obnoxious. It would've seemed like grandstanding. [beat] You want some bourbon? TOBY Thank you, sir. BARTLET [stands to get the drinks] What do you think? TOBY I was a telemarketer for about a week. I can't remember what we were selling, but you worked off a script. 'Hi. Good evening. My name is...' And 'Toby Ziegler' was okay for New York, but once I got into the other time zones, I needed a name. I wasn't gonna bother anybody. BARTLET Toby, if you have something to say, please say it. He offers Toby the bourbon, which he takes. TOBY Ritchie's good for all time zones. BARTLET [sits] My family signed the Declaration of Independence. You think I've got an ethnicity problem? TOBY Well, the line isn't between light skin and dark skin. BARTLET Yeah? TOBY [sits] It's between educated and masculine... or Eastern Academic Elite and Plain-Spoken. BARTLET It's always been like that. TOBY Yeah, but a funny thing happened when the White House got demystified. The impression was left that anybody could do it. BARTLET You're not telling me anything I don't know. TOBY It's one thing that Ritchie came out for the Pennsylvania Referendum today, but the manner in which he articulated it. His presence, the clear sign he wasn't personally engaged with the facts. BARTLET Toby... TOBY His staff was cringing, I promise you, and we let it go. BARTLET It wasn't the moment to go. TOBY You were asked the question. BARTLET [pause] Do you have anything else? TOBY [sighs] Sir, I don't think I need to tell you that the level of respect with which the staff speaks of you doesn't change, depending on whether or not you're in the room. BARTLET But? TOBY Well, there's always been a concern... about the two Bartlets. [beat] The absent-minded professor with the 'Aw, Dad' sense of humor. Disarming and unthreatening. Good for all time zones. And the Nobel Laureate. Still searching for salvation. Lonely, frustrated. Lethal. BARTLET You're gonna sing a country western song? TOBY The one whose father never liked him because he was too smart. BARTLET [stands] This stopped being fun for me a little while ago. TOBY Sir? BARTLET It was actually never fun for me. I was just being polite. He goes back to the side to refill his drink. TOBY [pause] Your father used to hit you, didn't he, Mr. President? BARTLET [with back turned] Excuse me? TOBY Your father used to hit you, sir? The President turns around slowly. BARTLET [pause] Yeah. TOBY Not like a spanking. BARTLET He hit me. Why? TOBY He punched you. BARTLET I'm done being polite now. TOBY He did it because you made him mad, but you didn't know why. BARTLET Toby, it was a complicated relationship. Can I help you? TOBY It was because you were smarter than he was. BARTLET It was a complicated relationship. TOBY He didn't like you, sir. That's why he hit you. That's why people hit each other. He didn't like you. You were smarter than he was. BARTLET Why are we talking about this? TOBY So maybe if you get enough votes, win one more election, maybe your father will-- BARTLET You have stepped WAY over the line, and any other President would have your ass on the sidewalk right now. TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET They would've had you on the sidewalk a long time ago. [firmly] I don't know what the hell goes on in a Brooklyn shrink's office, but get it the hell out of my house! Toby is silenced. It might have been too much. TOBY Thank you, Mr. President. He quietly leaves. In the Outer Office, a television is on. NEWSCASTER [on T.V.] ...unchallenged by his own party. With no opposition, he could easily bypass the Iowa Caucus, but according to a White House spokesman... Toby stops to turn the TV off. In the Oval Office, Bartlet sits down, deep in thought. Amidst the silence, a clock is ticking. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 3.12 -- 'The Two Bartlets' Original Airdate: January 30, 2002, 9:00 PM EST Transcribed by: Giorgio March 6, 2002