A seemingly benign press leak begins a day and night long journey that ends with the discovery of a scandal that affects the uppermost levels of the administration, though what the staff doesn’t yet know is that this is merely the match that lights the fuse and that things are about to get considerably worse. Matthew Perry guest-stars as a newly hired White House attorney who has the bad luck of discovering the problem.
THE WEST WING "LIFE ON MARS" TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN STORY BY: PAUL REDFORD & DEE DEE MYERS DIRECTED BY: JOHN DAVID COLES TEASER FADE IN: EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY Charlie is standing under the covered driveway, while rain is pouring down. TUESDAY 5:58 A.M. The press is waiting across the driveway when a cab pulls up and a young woman, CLAIRE HUDDLE, gets out. CHARLIE I'm Charlie Young. CLAIRE HUDDLE Mmm. Charlie hands her a security tag, which she puts around her neck, then they head into the building. They walk into the LOBBY, where we see Claire holding a folded-up piece of paper. They walk past C.J.'s office, where C.J. watches them as they pass by. CHARLIE What is your name? CLAIRE It's Cl-- um... it's Claire. It's Claire Huddle. Josh is walking through the HALLWAY when they walk past him, and he watches as they go by. They walk past the Communications Office where Toby is standing. He sees Charlie and Claire walk by. Then they walk into the OUTER OVAL OFFICE where Donna is placing something on Charlie's desk. Charlie and Claire walk into THE OVAL OFFICE. Bartlet is standing reading a newspaper when they enter. CHARLIE Claire Huddle, Mr. President. BARTLET Uh, it turns out it has to go to the Secretary of State. There's a law: It's 3-USC-20. It goes to the Secretary of State. But we'll take care of it. Bartlet folds up the newspaper and throws it on his desk. Claire walks over to him and hands him the letter. BARTLET Why did you take a cab? CLAIRE [softly] My car wouldn't start. BARTLET I'm sorry? CLAIRE [louder] My car wouldn't start. BARTLET You know what's in here? She doesn't respond. BARTLET It's okay. Claire nods her head. Bartlet opens the letter and reads it. It reads: "Dear Mr. President, I hereby resign the Office of Vice President of the United States effective 6 A.M. today. Sincerely, John Hoynes" SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE 24 HOURS EARLIER FADE IN: INT. LOBBY - NIGHT MORNING PRESS GAGGLE 6 A.M. PRESS Good morning. Hi, C.J. C.J. Good morning. REPORTER KATIE C.J., we have a question about... C.J. Hang on-- before we do anything, happy birthday, Mark. And don't ever say I don't pay attention to these things. REPORTER MARK My birthday's in December. C.J. All right, go ahead and say it, then. What do I care? REPORTER MARK Do you know if the President has any opinion on the Trustees Report? C.J. You're talking about Medicare? I don't think he's seen it yet, but I'll find out. REPORTER CHRIS HR235: Increasing Fuel Efficiency Standards. Is he going to twist arms? C.J. He's going to do what he's got to do. REPORTER PHIL Does that involve having the OMB-- C.J. He's going to do what he's got to do, Phil. REPORTER CHRIS And do you know if he's going to go to the Children's Defense Fund dinner? C.J. I don't know. I know he wants to, but it's still pretty early in the week. I'm going to go into the office. REPORTER KATIE No, C.J.-- C.J. Wait, Katie, I'm sorry. You were asking something at the beginning, and I cut you off to wish Mark a happy birthday. You know, just in case, why don't you come with me-- the rest, I'll see you at 11:00. Katie follows C.J. in the HALLWAY with a man. REPORTER KATIE Well, this is Ralph Gish, our science editor. C.J. Hi. We've never met. It's my pleasure. RALPH GISH Same here. C.J. Why is science coming to the White House? REPORTER KATIE It's about the Vice President. C.J. Come on in. They all go inside C.J.'S OFFICE. GISH Uh... Are you familiar with the NASA Commision on Space Science and Research? C.J. Only to the extent that I'm aware that it exists. But I can take your question to the President's science advisor. GISH No, this is not a science quesation. Is the White House concealing a report from the Commision containing two different pieces of evidence of water molecules on Mars? Is there a report that's not being released, a report from the NASA Commision on Space Science and Research saying fossilized water malecules were found on a meteorite-- I won't tell you when this thing blew off the surface of Mars-- but, that this report... C.J. looks at Katie like she can't believe what she's hearing. C.J. [to Katie] Come here. Katie follows C.J. into C.J.'S OUTER OFFICE. C.J. I called you back for a single in front of everybody. That costs me. Your question is: "Is there life on Mars?" And "Is the White House hiding that there's life on Mars?" And what the hell does this have to do with the Vice President?! REPORTER KATIE The Vice President heads the NASA Commision. C.J. Katerina-- REPORTER KATIE The source says that the Vice President told them personally. C.J. That's absurd. REPORTER KATIE I know, but Gish... C.J. You've got to ask Gish what kind of credible source goes to the science editor with a story, instead of-- KATIE He doesn't know who the source is. The source went to another reporter at our paper and that reporter went to Gish. C.J. walks back into her OFFICE. C.J. [to Gish] I can't imagine that it's true. GISH Is there an existing report that says anything at all, and if so, what? And will it be made public, and, if not, why? And, if not, isn't that illegal? C.J. Um, I don't know. But I'll find out to the first bunch of questions and, as for "legal" and "not legal," that's a matter for the Counsel's Office. Oh, hey, yeah, that's a matter for the Counsel's Office. I know the right guy to speak to down there. He's going to fix you right up. C.J. excorts them out of her office, sighs to herself and chuckles, then leaves her office. CUT TO: INT. STEAM PIPE TRUNK DISTRIBUTION VENUE - DAY Associate Counsel Joe Quincy, is looking around at his new office when a young female intern walks in. BLAIR SPOONHOUR Mr. Quincy? QUINCY Yeah. BLAIR I'm Blair Spoonhour. I'm staffed with the Counsel's Office. QUINCY You're staffed with the Counsel's Office? BLAIR Yeah. QUINCY What are you, 14? BLAIR Thank you. No. I'm 22. I'm a law student at GW. QUINCY What year? BLAIR I just finished my first. Anyway, they share assistants in the Counsel's Office, but they asked me to stick around for your first couple of days to break you in. QUINCY Break me in? You're 22 years old and where am I right now? BLAIR This is the office traditionally given to new lawyers who are hired. QUINCY Uh-huh. And what is it when it's not occupied? BLAIR The steam pipe trunk distribution venue. QUINCY This White House doesn't like lawyers very much, do they? BLAIR Really, they hold them just one rung above being a Republican. QUINCY Well, then we've won the jackpot, haven't we? BLAIR Oh, don't tell me you're one of those people who group up with the parents... QUINCY You know what, Law School, let's just settle down. Do I have briefing memos I have to read? BLAIR What do you think that these were? She points to a bookshelf loaded with paper boxes. QUINCY I thought that was Xerox paper. BLAIR You're Associate White House Counsel, Mr. Quincy. We're not going to store Xerox paper in your office. QUINCY Sure. We'd never want to compromise the aesthetic integrity of the steam pipe trunk distribution venue. Triage those: What I should read first, second, third. There's a knock on the door and C.J. enters. C.J. Excuse me. That's a great outfit, Blair. BLAIR Thank you. Mr. Quincy, this is White House Press Secretary C.J. Cregg. QUINCY Yeah. Thanks. Blair pulls a box down from the bookshelf. BLAIR I don't want you to feel like you should be helping me with these boxes, because there are only nine of them, and it's an easy flight of stairs... QUINCY Go to work. BLAIR [to C.J.] He's a Republican, too. QUINCY Thank you. Blair exits and C.J. walks over and shakes Joe Quincy's hand. C.J. Yes, he's a Republican, too, Mr. Quincy is. QUINCY Joe. C.J. This is a cool office, Joe. QUINCY Ha. C.J. Got a little window up there near the ceiling that looks out onto the, uh... the... What do you call it? The... QUINCY Alley? C.J. Yeah. And, you know, if you hang 'em on that pipe in the corner, late afternoon, you get your suits pressed right in front of you. QUINCY You're the welcoming committee, aren't you? C.J. Hey, no, but that's a good idea. Let me show you around. QUINCY As a matter of fact, I should probably stay here and get started on... C.J. Joe, I outrank you by, like, 17 rungs, so follow me, would you? QUINCY Sure. C.J. Come on. It's going to be fun. But if it's not, you should pretend that it is anyway. You know why? QUINCY 'Cause you outrank me by, like, 17 rungs. C.J. Hey, no, but then again, I like how you're thinking. They go out the BASEMENT HALLWAY, then up the STAIRS. C.J. So, do you know what I'm going to get asked about probably at my first briefing today? The Department of Agriculture report that'll come out this morning saying that commodity prices are down six percent this year, and do I suppose the White House is going to respond to the farmers who are going broke? And I thought, since the Republicans tore up the farm safety net, you might have a good idea for what I should say. QUINCY How about "food is cheaper, and that's good"? C.J. You're saying it's good that farmers can't sell what they grow for a living wage? QUINCY No, as a matter of fact, I wasn't. I was saying that it's good that you can buy food for less than an entire wage. C.J. It's good, except, whoa! Those pesky farmers again. Don't worry about it though, 'cause it's not like there are that many of them. No, wait, I misspoke. Agriculture is this country's biggest industry. QUINCY Aren't you suppose to be showing me around? C.J. That was the staircase, okay? What do you want? It was the Dolly Madison staircase. QUINCY There's the Roosevelt Room. I've been in there. C.J. Nobody cares. QUINCY Okay. C.J. Well, this may sound silly, but the science editor from the Washington Post has a source-- a blind source-- who says that the Vice President personally told him-- the blind source-- that the Vice President interfered to classify a report that a NASA commision, which he heads, has saying that there's life on Mars. QUINCY God, why would you think that would make you sound silly? C.J. Would you find out who broke the law, please? QUINCY Sure. C.J. The farmers are victims of this Republican Congress. They pass by the NORTHWEST LOBBY and JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA. QUINCY I don't get a vote in the U.S. House of Representatives, but I do go to the grocery store. I know that food is cheaper, and I know that when life expectancy goes up, that's not victimizing undertakers. C.J. Well argued, though I do hate you and everything you stand for. QUINCY Claudia Jean, you've only known me for four minutes. It usually takes people the better part of an hour to hate me and everything I stand for. C.J. I'm the press secretary, Boo-boo. I don't have that kind of time. QUINCY Can I ask you something? C.J. Yeah. QUINCY What do I do if I need to speak to the Vice Preisdent? C.J. You speak to the Vice President, Joe. You're his lawyer. C.J. walks into her office leaving Joe standing there. Joe looks around then walks off. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - DAY 11 A.M. Toby is sitting on the couch. He and Will are watching a videotape on the TV. REPORTER [on TV] The kids, the camping gear and, yeah, even Rex are all loaded up for that vacation you've worked hard for all year. TOBY Rex is the dog? WILL Yeah. REPORTER [on TV] Is that what you want to have happen on the way to your favorite campsite? Tell your Congressman that America's about freedom. Tell your Congressman to vote "no" on 235. Will turns off the TV. WILL That family isn't going to be able to drive up that hill if we increase fuel efficiency standards. TOBY Well, that family isn't gonna get up the hill 'cause dad's trying to pull the kids, the camping gear, Rex the dog and what would appear to be his den up K-2 in a Ford Falcon. WILL No, actually, its the power of the ad. TOBY Say that again. WILL Actually, it's the power of the... Toby throws his ball at Will but misses. TOBY You thought that ad was powerful? WILL Yeah. You think it sucks? TOBY Yeah! If I'm watching that ad... WILL That ad wasn't for you. It wasn't about Dad, it was about Mom looking worried in the front seat. TOBY That was for soccer moms? WILL Yes. TOBY That? WILL Yes. TOBY Soccer moms recognize a Big 3 hosing when it walks up and introduces itself good as anyone, and they know it often begins with "Tell your Congressman America's about freedom." And that mom was worried 'cause dad's hauling a yardsale up Kilimanjaro. And she's thinking, "Wow, I married an idiot." WILL She's worried 'cause the kids are in back. That's what the ad's about. TOBY You think it's gonna be effective? WILL I think it says the President and a bunch of Hollywood types want to put your kids in a small car so that they can save the sky. TOBY How did the Hollywood types get into this equation? WILL I don't know, how do they ever? TOBY You think we should run a counter ad. WILL We have to. TOBY Saying what? WILL Oh, I don't know. TOBY What do you mean? WILL What do you mean? TOBY We've been sitting here for 20 minutes. WILL I came in to show you the spots and to tell you I think we should run a counter ad. I don't have an idea for one. TOBY Well, get one. Have an idea. Don't come in here with half a thing and not be able to-- you know, after you've walked me to the brink and say, "We've got to do this, it's important, though I have no earthly idea how." Like one of those guys who buys a big new thing but doesn't really know how to get the most out of it! WILL Toby, either get Andy to marry you or kill yourself. TOBY [beat] Yeah. WILL I'll start putting together a counter ad. TOBY Thanks. WILL You want me to turns these lights down or something, draw the blinds? TOBY No. WILL Okay. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY Donna is sitting at Josh's desk reading, when we hear a noise of something tapping on glass. DONNA Stop it. Tapping. DONNA Stop it. Tapping. DONNA Stop it. Tapping. Donna turns around and speaks to something behind her. DONNA You have to stop it! She turns back around and we hear the tapping noise again. Outside the window where we see a white dove pecking at the glass. Donna gets up and walks over to the window. DONNA Stop it. You are gonna hurt your beak. Stop it! Josh enters his office and sees Donna talking to the window. JOSH What the hell are you doing? DONNA I'm sorry, but this bird has been sitting here tapping on the window for... I'm not kidding, I don't know how long, but a long time. I've lost track 'cause I'm moving into certain phases of dementia with this thing. JOSH Well, let me get rid of it. DONNA No, no, no, no, no. JOSH What? DONNA What are you going to do? JOSH I'm gonna scare him away. DONNA No. JOSH Why? DONNA It's not nice. JOSH I'm not going to hurt him. I'm just... DONNA No, come on, he's a bird. He's not bothering anybody. JOSH In a second he's going to be bothering me, right? DONNA No. Tapping. DONNA Stop it. [to Josh] No, because you're gonna want to go see Leo right now. JOSH Why? DONNA Carol got a call in the press office. "Did the White House press the Justice Department to call of their anti-trust investigation of Casseon." JOSH No. DONNA No what? JOSH No, we didn't. DONNA You don't want to take the call to Leo? JOSH Justice didn't call off the investigation. They reached a settlement with Casseon. DONNA The call was from the Post, and they say they have a source. JOSH You can work with C.J.'s office to run down the source, I guess, and see what's going on. DONNA You're saying I can do this? Quincy knocks on the door and enters. QUINCY Excuse me. JOSH Hey. [to Donna] Hang on. [to Quincy] How's it going so far? QUINCY Good. Thanks. I was wondering if I had a few questions for Leo McGarry, do I go straight to his office or do you like me to run it by you first? JOSH At the beginning I'm going to ask you to give me a quick hit just so you can learn how to keep the crazy stuff out of his office. The bird taps on the window. DONNA and JOSH Stop it! JOSH Why, what do you got? QUINCY A reporter looking into the White House suppressing a NASA Commision. JOSH This is two in one day. I just got "Did the White House interfere with Casseon anti-trust?" [to Donna] Yeah, you can go ahead and work with C.J.'s office... [to Quincy] and sure. DONNA Thanks. Quincy and Donna start to walk out. JOSH Wait. What did they say we got in exchange for calling off the D.O.J.? DONNA A 100,000 computers in classrooms. JOSH They said that? You weren't just making a joke? DONNA No. JOSH They said that to... Carol said the reporter said that? DONNA Yeah. JOSH Well, now we go see Leo. They walk out the HALLWAYS. DONNA So, you're our new sawbones. QUINCY A sawbones is a doctor. DONNA Is it? QUINCY Yeah. Lawyer's a shyster. DONNA [to Josh] I got him to say it. QUINCY I don't... Josh is a lawyer. DONNA Well, yeah, I mean he went to law school, but... Josh looks at her. DONNA You don't practice law is all I was saying. JOSH I don't practice law? I help write the laws, I write the laws, I make the laws, I am the law. They enter LEO'S OUTER OFFICE, where Margaret is. DONNA We're having a problem with a bird outside our office, are you having that problem? QUINCY Oh, better than that. I think I may have a family of bats. JOSH Margaret, this is Joe Quincy. MARGARET Yes, Joe. The girls in the Political Affairs Office saw you before and asked me to tell you that they wouldn't have covered your parking spot with mayonnaise if they'd known you were a biscuit. QUINCY Okay. Well, tell them, you know, no problem. JOSH Leo... Josh, Donna, and Joe continue to LEO'S OFFICE. LEO What do you need? Quickly. Set a record right now. Make the news. JOSH [to Quincy] You mind if I go first? [to Leo] Okay, Donna just got a question from the Post... "Did we..." I'm sorry, by the way, have you met... LEO Yeah, I met him. What? JOSH [to Quincy] All right, you go first. QUINCY Yeah, Mr. McGarry, the Press Secretary came to me with a question from the Post's science editor, who has a source claiming that a NASA study was classified at the urging of the White House. LEO What do they think it said? QUINCY That... sir, I'm, you know... they claim it said that a meteorite from Mars... from Mars was discovered in Antarctica about 30 years ago and that we found fossilized carbonate molecules. That we know there's life on Mars, that's what they're saying we're suppressing. LEO The Defense Department classified the NASA Commision report. QUINCY I'm sorry? LEO That report was classified by the Department of Defense. QUINCY The report exists. LEO Well, I can't tell you that Joe, the report was classified. But I can tell you it was classified by the Defense Department. [to Josh] What about you? JOSH Did we get the Justice Department to call off it's anti-trust investigation with Casseon? LEO They didn't call it off, they settled. JOSH I know, but ask Donna what they bribed us with. Tell him what the Post said we got in exchange for calling off Justice. DONNA 100,000 computers in classrooms. They all look at Donna. DONNA What? LEO That was part of the settlement-- 100,000 computers. JOSH There's a leak. This, Mars, the people... don't even get me started on that 'cause the stuff I think you still won't tell me. Who knew about the terms with Casseon outside us... and now them? LEO The President, me and you, Counsel, Counsel at Treasury and Commerce. Two, three guys at NEC. Hackley, Little, May... JOSH The Vice President. LEO Yeah. The Assistant Attorney General for anti-trust. Did we say the... QUINCY Excuse me. Are you saying the Vice President knew the terms of the Casseon settlement? JOSH Sure. LEO Fix this, would you please? There's a story out there we're obstructing justice and another one we're like in a Ray Bradbury barn. These things make me crazy. JOSH Yes, sir. LEO Thank you. JOSH Thank you. DONNA Thank you. QUINCY Thank you. Leo, Josh, and Donna exit the office leaving Quincy alone. He stands in the office and thinks, then walks out. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY 2 P.M. Will is giving a lecture as Lauren Chin walks in with a box of food. WILL All right, it's got to be something like this. It's going to be something-- all it needs is, it's got to be something pointing toward... CHIN I'm sorry. Cassie, you have the turkey? CASSIE Yeah. WILL A soccer mom. No. Fade in on an SUV stuck in the mud. The soccer mom behind the wheel is switching from reverse to drive, her wheels spinning in place and behind her, we see she's pulling-- wait for it-- ROMANO A Saudi oil rig. WILL A Saudi oil rig, that's exactly right. She's trying to pull a Saudi oil rig. We're in mind meld right now, Lauren number two and I. ROMANO I'm number three. WILL I moved you up, you see what happens? CASSIE How are people gonna know it's a Saudi oil rig? WILL How are people gonna know it's a Saudi oil rig? ROMANO Well, that's a good point. WILL Yeah, you know, you had the number two ranking among the Laurens, but you lost it. [to Chin] She's number one 'cause she got the food, then I expect the two of you to compete for the two spot. SHELBY Will? WILL What you got, Lauren Shelby? SHELBY What if instead of hauling a Saudi oil rig, she's hauling actual Saudis? WILL Hauling Saudis? Like a U-Haul full of Saudis? ROMANO Maybe the oil rig could have Arabic writing on it. WILL Is this coming awfully close to a 15-second spot the Klan might produce? SHELBY [to Romano] I was about to say. CHIN You have the chicken? ROMANO Thank you. I'm starving. CHIN You know what we should do? We should use the same family. ROMANO Hey, yes, it's the same family. We get the same actors, driving an SUV this time, but they have to stop every three miles for gas. WILL I like it. Who else? CASSIE How's that joke gonna play in 15 seconds? WILL How's it gonna play in 15 seconds? Romano doesn't answer. WILL All right, give your food back. SHELBY Will? WILL We're not hauling Saudis. SHELBY You understand I'm not saying the soccer mom's dragging them up the hill. They'd be super comfortable. WILL Stop talking. SHELBY Okay. CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - DAY Toby is eating a salad while he and Charlie watches a tennis match on the tv. CHARLIE Helen Baldwin is gonna write a book. She's retained an agent, who sent around a two-page outline, and there's a bidding war. Random House has brought it for low seven figures according to Stu Winkle. Could that possibly be his real name? [reading newspaper] "Baldwin, long a fixture in D.C. and Manhattan Society, whether for her work on charity boards or her position on the arm of some of Wall Street, Washington and Hollywood's most eligble men, as well as hosting some of beltways favorite..." What the hell kind of sentence is this? This is 73-year-old lady who works in the Residence, cleaning and winding all the clocks. She won't retire. She inherited it from her mother who inherited it from her mother. She earns $22,000 a year. She's trusted to walk in and out of rooms where there's personal correspondance, where she can hear if the President and First Lady are having a fight, where she can see people come for secret meetings, and she's been doing this for five decades worth of Presidents. Her name is Mrs. Wheely, and I said, "Mrs. Wheely, you really should write a book," and she said, "No, no, no, we don't do that." 22,000 a year. TOBY You said I wouldn't even know you were here. Just so you know, I can tell that you are. CHARLIE Are you eating a salad? TOBY Yeah. CHARLIE Why? TOBY 'Cause I am. CHARLIE I don't think I've ever seen you eat a salad. What kind of salad is it? TOBY I don't know. CHARLIE Just mixed greens? TOBY I don't know what kind of salad it is. I'm eating a salad, okay? I'm doing it. Do I have to know the names? There's no difference between them. It's a bowl of weeds. Some of them have cheese. This isn't the kind with cheese. Does that answer your question? How many years have you guys been "Toby, you eat like a teenager. Toby, that's red meat. That's your second cigar." Here I am eating a salad, which by the way, you could cover this thing in barbecue sauce and it would still tastes like the ground, and I'm getting heckled from the gallery, who wanted to come in here to eat his roast beef sandwich with ketchup on a kaiser roll and watch the damn tennis on my TV! That's all I'm saying. CHARLIE Man, Toby, you're really doing everything you can do to get that woman to marry you? TOBY Yes, I'm doing everything I can. [to Quincy, who has entered] What? QUINCY Excuse me, I'm Joe Quincy. They told you I was coming by. TOBY Yeah. You're the new sawbones. QUINCY Donna Moss already got me to say it. TOBY Damn it. This is Charlie Young. QUINCY Sure. CHARLIE How you doing? QUINCY Your office had requested comments on your draft statement about a decision from the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals. TOBY Yeah. If Counsel's fine, you just have C.J. Cregg's office put it out. QUINCY Yeah, I saw it was headed there, the language is incendiary, and I wasn't sure if you know that you couldn't beat up on the Appeals Courts and then expect the Supreme Courts to hear the case. TOBY Did I beat up on them in the notes for the press comments? QUINCY Yes. TOBY What did I say? QUINCY You said in this case that the Fourth Circuit lack the judicial imagination God gave pistachio nuts. TOBY [laughs] They did! QUINCY Perhaps. TOBY Joe, did you think I was going to have the Press Secretary, on behalf of the President, compare a Federal judge to a pistachio nut? The language gets cleaned up on C.J.'s desk. QUINCY That makes sense. CHARLIE Toby is distracted by a woman. And salads. TOBY You know when you do ten minutes on Helen Baldwin getting a book deal, it's righteous, but I speak my mind after getting poked with a stick and it's 'cause of Andy! QUINCY Helen Balwin has a book deal? CHARLIE Yeah. QUINCY Where did you find that out? CHARLIE I'm glad you asked, 'cause it gives me the opportunity to say 'Stu Winkle.' I got it from Stu Winkle, the Post's man in the stick of it. QUINCY He's their gossip guy? CHARLIE Yeah. QUINCY Is he new there? CHARLIE Yeah. QUINCY Okay. The northwest lobby is... is that way? TOBY Yeah. You just go that way and then, you know, ask somebody else. QUINCY Thanks. Sorry for jumping the gun on the Fourth Circuit. TOBY Joe? What's going on? QUINCY I'm sure it's nothing, and this is just my first day. Toby looks at him with skepticism. QUINCY Two press inquires, they came to my attention that sounded... alike is all. Can I get back to you? TOBY Make sure you do. Joe exits. FADE TO BLACK. 5 P.M. FADE IN: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - DAY DONNA Josh thinks you should advance the numbers on sales of first homes to the Journal. He said the Times got sales of existing homes. C.J. You know what happens with negotiated press leaks? Two-thirds of the press gives us lousy coverage 'cause they're tweaked that they didn't get the leak, and the other third... Tapping. C.J. ...doesn't give us better coverage 'cause they... Tapping. C.J. What was that? DONNA I don't believe it. Josh has this guy at his window, too. C.J. They think they see the reflection in the window, and they think it's another bird. DONNA What's the learning curve on a bird? Tapping. DONNA Stop it. Quincy knocks on the door and enters. QUINCY Excuse me. C.J. Sorry, we thought for a second you were a huge bird knocking on the door. QUINCY Is something going on with birds? C.J. Well, one of them is obsessed with Donna. DONNA It's true, I'm like Tippi Hedren around here. QUINCY I'm sorry, would you mind if... DONNA No. Donna exits and closes the door behind her. QUINCY Can I close the door? C.J. Donna just did. QUINCY You said the Science editor, when he came to you with a question about the NASA Commision... C.J. I wouldn't worry to much about Mars. I gave it to you to give you a hard time. QUINCY No kidding. By the way, there was a report, but it was classified by the Defense Department. And we'll leave how much I didn't want to know about that for another time. C.J. What's the problem? QUINCY You said the science editor had a blind source, that it came from someone else at the paper, and I... I think I know who it was. C.J. Who? QUINCY A guy name Stu Winkle who has a new gossip column. C.J. How would a gossip columnist get a hold of a story about the Pentagon? QUINCY I'd rather not say yet. C.J. Why? QUINCY 'Cause if I'm wrong, it'll be inappropriate that I suggested it, and I'll be held in contempt. C.J. You are wrong. QUINCY No, I'm not. C.J. Stu Winkles don't get tips about the White House illegally suppresing reports. QUINCY The NASA reports over. I'm not concerned with that. Would you mind calling him right now and leading him to confirm that he's the other reporter? C.J. You want me to call Stu Winkle? QUINCY He has a new column. You're calling to wish him luck. C.J. I don't usually make personal calls to gossip columnist. QUINCY He's going to be very flattered. C.J. And you won't tell me why? QUINCY No. C.J. Even if I give you assurances that I already hold you in contempt? QUINCY Yes. C.J. Carol! Carol enters. C.J. Would you get me Stu Winkle at the Washington Post? CAROL I'm sorry? C.J. Stu Winkle at the Post. CAROL Winkle? C.J. Yes. Carol exits. QUINCY Okay, when you get him in the phone. here's what you say... C.J. I know what to say. While waiting for Carol, C.J. picks up a folder and begins to read it. She chuckles to herself. C.J. Judicial imagination of pistachio nuts. Can't say that to the Fourth Circuit. QUINCY No. Carol enters. CAROL C.J., you have Stu Winkle on one. Carol exits and C.J. pushes the button putting Stu on speakerphone. C.J. Stu, this is C.J. Cregg at the White House. Silence on the other end. C.J. Stu? STU WINKLE [VO] Oh, my God, it's really you, isn' it? C.J. It is, and I saw you have a new column and I think it's terrific and everyone here at the White House wishes you a lot of luck. STU [VO] You are the classiest thing for calling me. C.J. Well... STU [VO] You are the classiest thing! You're my hero, C.J. Your brilliance and your sense of humor and your clothes... C.J. Thank you. STU [VO] The evening gowns, who makes them for you? Do not tell me you buy off the rack, I'll kill you. C.J. Well, I'm a girl on a budget. STU [VO] Oh, don't try that on me. C.J. No, really. STU [VO] Oh, yeah, like the party at the Japanese Embassy, you were wearing a dress from Saks. C.J. Stu, I wanted to get you a direct answer to that NASA Commision question that Ralph Gish and Katie brought me this morning. It was the Defense Department and not the White House who classified the report. He doesn't respond. C.J. Stu? STU [VO] Uh, well, that makes perfect sense. I hope, I hope you don't mind, it sounded crazy enough, but what do I know? So, you got to run these things down. You know, I know you have all the free time in the world, but it would be great if we can get together for a quick coffee one day, and I'll tell you why. You may find this hard to believe, but before I got into this lighter stuff, I was a serious journalist. I don't mean boring/serious, but, you know... As Stu continues to ramble on, Quincy shows C.J. the article written by Stu Winkle on Helen Baldwin getting a book signing deal. He then places a yellow legal note pad down on that desk that has "Question from Reporter: NASA Commision" and "Question from reporter: Anti-trust" circled. He then places a white packet on C.J.'s desk titled: "White House Telephone Record: Outgoing and Incoming". He opens up to the first page where we see that he has highlighted all the times that Vice President John Hoynes has called Helen Baldwin from his office phone. Stu is still rambling. C.J. Stu, thank you very much. I'm sorry, I have to go. STU [VO] Well, I cannot tell you how class... C.J. hangs up the phone on him. C.J. Carol? Carol enters. CAROL Yeah. C.J. I need to see Josh and Toby, and Joe needs to see the Vice President. CAROL Okay. Carol exits followed by Joe, leaving C.J. alone in her office thinking about what she just found out. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. HOYNES' OFFICE - NIGHT CAPTIONS: 7:45 P.M. John Hoynes is meeting with his chief of staff, Stevie, intern Claire Huddle and several other staffers. HOYNES I want Cairo to focus on legal and regulatory reform. We got the whole regulatory agenda left over from last time. AIDE MARK We do. HOYNES Seriously, the whole agenda is left over. STEVIE And Vice President Abu El-Azm wants the trade and investment framework. HOYNES Yeah, well, my point is, we can get to that in a closed-door session, and you can understand it can't appear as if I'm saying the Syrian question is less urgent. TATUM Yes, sir. An aide walks in, nods to Hoynes and then leaves. HOYNES Well, it's been a long day. We're done. STEVIE Thank you sir. AIDE MARK Thank you, Mr. Vice Preisdent. They all get up and begin to exit. HOYNES Guys? Do me a favor. Don't go home yet. Wait for me a minute, okay? ALL Yes, sir. They exit and Toby, Josh, C.J. and Joe Quincy enter. JOSH Good evening, Mr. Vice President. HOYNES Good evening. You brought friendly faces. JOSH Sir? HOYNES You brought friendly faces. That was considerate. You're Joe Quincy? QUINCY Yes, sir. HOYNES This is your first day? QUINCY Yes, sir. HOYNES Well, they're going to put you picture up someplace. You're going to get honored at a luncheon. We were just meeting in here. I have a bilateral commisin with the Vice President of Egypt. It's in Cairo this year. We see how legal and financial systems can attract foreign investments, so look out for ShopEgypt.org, I suppose. And you're going to tell me I'm not going to Cairo. JOSH Mr. Vice President, have you been having an affair with Helen Baldwin while here at the White House? TOBY He's asking because... HOYNES I should hit you in the face. TOBY He's asking because... HOYNES I know why he's asking. I know why he's asking. I understand why you're here. I've spoken with C.J. [pause] Yes. And I like to show off. I... said things. I said I'd seen proof of life on Mars. I said I'd intervened at the Justice Department to put 100,000 computers into classrooms, which I thought made me sound like a good guy. [to Quincy] What, did you hear a rumour once? QUINCY Yes, sir. HOYNES And you saw Helen had a book deal, you knew she must have teased them with something. It's a tell-all. Couple of items in the gossip columns. Maybe the gossip guy was the Science Editor's contact? QUINCY Yes, sir. HOYNES Well, you earned your money today. This could have been bad, but you found it early. What do I do now? QUINCY Sir, I'm an Associate Counsel, and this is my first day. I've spoken to Oliver Babish, who's gotten on a plane... HOYNES What do I do now? QUINCY I think you've got to talk to your family now, sir. HOYNES Thanks. C.J. Thank you, Mr. Vice Presidnet. TOBY Thank you, Mr. Vice President. JOSH Thank you, sir. Hoynes walks to the window and looks out while they exit. CUT TO: INT. OEOB HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS JOSH [to Quincy] I hope I didn't see you smile in there. QUINCY You didn't. C.J. Josh. JOSH Yeah? C.J. You didn't. CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT 8:30 P.M. SHELBY Gas Mask. WILL Yes? SHELBY Something with gas mask. WILL [to Shelby] Sing to me, Lauren Romano. ROMANO I'm Lauren Romano. WILL Keep going with the gas mask. SHELBY Mothers barely able to even see their children through the haze of gas masks. WILL Wow, you rode it right off the rails there, didn't you? SHELBY I did. CHIN Anyone else thinks it's weird that Toby had a salad? WILL Anyone else thinks it's weird that it was nine hours ago, and Lauren Romano's still talking about it? ROMANO I'm Lauren Romano. WILL Clear blue sky. The camera tilts down into a slowly thickening haze... Toby enters. WILL [to Toby] Listen to this. Clear blue sky. The camera tilts down into a slowly thickening haze until it levels on a suburban street. An SUV filled with mom, dad and the kids-- the same actors from the other ad, and Rex-- they get out, and they're wearing gas masks. We've also got one where the family's towing Saudi's in a U-Haul. TOBY Doesn't really have the feel of high-minded debate, does it? WILL No, but actually, you don't want it to. TOBY Why not? WILL 'Cause we're countering an attack ad, and when you're in the trenches on one of these things, and they're throwing... TOBY But we're not in the trenches. Two bodies of government are debating fuel efficiency at the highest level. We're not in the trenches. I don't know. I know it's a 15-second spot. We got to scare them. I just don't feel like doing that tonight. Will, you need to come with me. I need to tell you what's about to happen. Will and Toby exit. CUT TO: EXT. PORTICO - NIGHT Bartlet and Leo are out on the portico waiting, when Hoynes walks up. BARTLET You've talked to Suzanne? HOYNES I'm sorry, sir? BARTLET You've talked to Suzanne? HOYNES Yeah. LEO What happened? HOYNES You know what happened. LEO Tell me again. How many times? When did it start? HOYNES I don't think it matters. LEO I'll tell you what, Mr. Vice President. For this moment, tonight, I'm going to be in charge of deciding what matters. 47 phone calls? Did you not know that the White House keeps records of phone calls? Did you not know that? How many times? When did it start? HOYNES It is none of your business. LEO I'm about to read about it in a book. HOYNES Then read about it! LEO Didn't it ever occur to you that she might do this? HOYNES No. I didn't think she would. BARTLET You were wrong. LEO Do you think there's anyone else behind this? HOYNES I don't know. LEO Do you think she may have been coached by Republican Leadership? HOYNES I don't know. LEO John, if we are going to weather this, then we're going to have to... HOYNES We're not going to weather this. LEO We will. HOYNES We won't. I'm resigning. BARTLET If we're going to do this, we got to start tonight, now, and I need you thinking now and not giving up... HOYNES Yes, sir, I'm resigning the Vice Presidency. BARTLET What about "It's none of your business?" HOYNES I leaked classified information. It is their business. It's also a felony. LEO Are you in a position to deny it? HOYNES No. LEO She's made a seven-figure book deal. She's not going to have a lot of credibility. HOYNES Well, since when does she need credibility? BARTLET Apologize and move on. Accept responsibilty. You don't need to disclose details. She's going to take care of that for you. You're going to be the dinner special for two months, and then you've got two and half years to get the nomination. HOYNES I'm not getting the nomination. BARTLET In the middle of MS, it looked like we were never going to recover, and we did. HOYNES Which is why it is never going to happen again. BARTLET John... HOYNES That was it. that was the one you get. BARTLET Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President, if my multiple sclerosis was a bummer for your sex life. How the hell did you do this to us?! You can't resign, John. It's a terrible signal to send. HOYNES Sir, if I stay, it sabotages an entire agenda, and you know I'm right, and the party's going to need a candidate that can win. And I think the least I think I can do for Suzanne is not to drag her through it so much. BARTLET Is there more? Is there another shoe, 'cause if it's a series of... HOYNES I'd imagine she's going to describe... LEO You're still going to get dragged through it, sir. It's not going to change anything. Only now, you're going to be out there alone, with no mechanism or apparatus for a comeback. HOYNES Leo... LEO Which I'm telling you, you can do. You can make it. I can help you. HOYNES I don't want to take my family through it. LEO You're a giant, John. You're a U.S. Senator, the Vice-President of the United States, and presumptive nominee of your party. You cannot be taken down by this... cheap person and her customers huddled around Macy's window waiting for someone to turn themselves inside out. It's cause for divorce, not resignation. You cannot be taken down by this cheap person. HOYNES The President knows I'm right. So do you. The truth is, I took an oath, too... so... BARTLET Didn't you have any sense that this was the kind of person who would do this? HOYNES Hasn't it been your experience that they look pretty much like the people who wouldn't? BARTLET Well, I want you to sleep on it. I want all of us to sleep on it. HOYNES Thank you, Mr. President. They watch Hoynes leave. FADE TO BLACK. TUESDAY 6 A.M. FADE IN: EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY It is raining and we see that cab that Claire Huddle has gotten out of pulling away. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Charlie and Claire are walking though the halls where the pass by the Roosevelt room where Joe Quincy watches as they pass. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Bartlet throws the newspaper on his desk and takes the letter from Claire. BARTLET Why did you take a cab? CLAIRE My car wouldn't start. BARTLET I'm sorry? CLAIRE My car wouldn't start. BARTLET You know what's in here? She doesn't respond. BARTLET It's okay. She nods her head. Bartlet opens the letter and reads. BARTLET Okay. Claire leaves. Bartlet walks over to LEO'S OFFICE and enters. BARTLET [to Leo] Yeah, we're going to need a new Vice President. He closes the door. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 4.21 -- "Life On Mars" Original Air Date: April 30, 2003, 9:00 PM EST Transcibed by: ck1czar June 12, 2003