After a gunman fires three shots at the White House, the staff remains under lockdown as the President (Martin Sheen) negotiates the return of a downed spy plane while Josh (Bradley Whitford) interviews a candidate (Matthew Perry) for associate counsel — and a spirited card game allows everyone to let off steam. This is also the episode where C.J. waxes poetic about the equinox and standing an egg on its end.
THE WEST WING "EVIDENCE OF THINGS NOT SEEN" TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN STORY BY: ELI ATTIE & DAVID HANDELMAN DIRECTED BY: CHRISTOPHER MISIANO TEASER FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT C.J., Josh, and Leo are setting up a poker table and assorted snacks. FRIDAY NIGHT C.J. At the exact moment of the equinox. At the exact moment of the equinox. JOSH It doesn't work. C.J. It does work. It has to be the exact moment of the equinox. JOSH It doesn't work. C.J. I've seen it. JOSH I've tried it. C.J. And? JOSH It doesn't work. C.J. I don't think you did it at the exact moment. JOSH I did. C.J. When? JOSH Last September. C.J. That was the Autumnal equinox. JOSH It only works for the Vernal equinox? C.J. Yeah. JOSH You know what's more likely? C.J. That it doesn't work at all? JOSH That's right. C.J. It does, I've seen it. LEO We've got pastrami from Krupin's. It's tissue paper thin. Roast beef, corned beef, turkey, Russian dressing, coleslaw, and seedless rye, and winning the heard earned money of your coworkers. This is what I call a night off. Squeeze this piece of rye bread. C.J. walks over to him and squeezes the rye bread. C.J. Now what do I do? MARGARET [entering] Excuse me, Leo. LEO Yeah. Margaret nods her head towards Leo's outer office. Leo and Margaret leave the room. JOSH Something that's true at the vernal equinox would also have to be true at the autumnal equinox. C.J. Why? JOSH Equinox means equal night. Night and day are both 12 hours long. C.J. What does that have to do with it? JOSH It doesn't work. I've tried it. Toby enters. TOBY Listen, there's... JOSH Hang on. C.J. believes that at the exact moment of the vernal equinox... C.J. And only at that moment. JOSH You can stand an egg vertically. TOBY Huh? JOSH At the equinox you can stand an egg on its end. TOBY Yeah, that doesn't work. JOSH You've tried it? TOBY I don't need to try it, you can't stand an egg on its end. The elements involved with creating an equinox have no connection to the center of gravity of an egg. C.J. I've seen it. TOBY I've seen guys make ace of spades jump out of their shoes, I don't think it was the equinox. Donna enters. DONNA Josh? JOSH Yeah? DONNA Counsel's Office wants to know if you can meet with a candidate for the associate's position tonight. JOSH Tonight? DONNA I explained it was your night off, but they said he's in town just the one night and... JOSH Yeah. DONNA So can I take your seat when you're not playing? JOSH I miss Ainsley. That's who the Counsel's office should get to fill that position, another Ainsley. A sexy conservative with first-rate law credentials and a strange name. DONNA So can I take your seat? JOSH Who else is playing in this game? TOBY Anyone with currency. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Bartlet sits at his desk while Debbie talks to him. DEBBIE Let me in the game sir, I beg of you. BARTLET Why are you so eager to get in this game? DEBBIE I enjoy poker, Mr. President, and your card skills are well known around the building, and... frankly, I wanted to learn. BARTLET Seriously. DEBBIE I enjoy poker. BARTLET This is a cash game, Debbie. These are hard working people blowing off some steam and taking each other off their coin. We don't play for matchsticks and we don't play... Debbie pulls out a wad of bills. BARTLET ...Okay, can I ask you something? I forgot to have Charlie to draw cash for me, can you float me a little? DEBBIE I can play? Leo enters. LEO Sir. BARTLET Leo, C.J. swears that on the equinox, which is today, you can stand an egg on end. LEO Debbie? DEBBIE Thank you, Mr. President. BARTLET Yeah, you can play. DEBBIE Thank you, sir. Debbie leaves the Oval Office. LEO We just lost an unmanned spy plane. BARTLET Where? LEO It was an Predator B-UAB 12 miles of Kaliningrad. It's controlled by satellite which can't always adjust to sudden weather changes, and this one veered off course and crashed inland. BARTLET Well that's why these are unmanned right? All we lost was money? Aren't they saying detonate the plane? LEO The plane was taking pictures of illegal nuclear transfers in the region and we need the intelligence 'cause they don't think we're going to get it again. BARTLET Well, what do they want me to do, call Chigorin and ask if we can go in and get our spy plane back? LEO Yes sir. Except you can't say spy plane. BARTLET Wait, you're serious. They want me to call Chigorin? LEO Yes. BARTLET And ask him for the plane back without telling him we were spying? LEO State and the Pentagon have some ideas how you might try that. BARTLET [sarcastically] Do they? LEO In the mean time, sir, want to play some cards? BARTLET Hang on. Bartlet picks an egg up off his desk and tries to balance it on end and it promptly falls over. BARTLET Yeah, this isn't going to work. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT C.J., Debbie, Larry, Bartlet, Josh, Toby and Ed are playing poker. TOBY Three. ED Two. C.J. Three. DEBBIE I'm fine. BARTLET You're fine? DEBBIE I am. BARTLET [knocks on the table] Check. JOSH Check. TOBY Check. ED Check. C.J. [knocks on the table] Check. DEBBIE 50 dollars. LARRY Fold. JOSH Fold. TOBY I'm out. ED Out. C.J. Take it. JOSH Nothing like the mounting tension of a well contested hand. BARTLET You were full of crap. You had jack-high or something? DEBBIE I'll tell you, but it's going to cost you 50 bucks. Will enters in his army reserves uniform carrying a bag. WILL Hi. Good evening, Mr. President. C.J. Did you get the eggs? WILL Yeah. BARTLET Hang on. Will, why are you dressed like an officer in the Air Force? WILL I'm an officer in the Air Force. BARTLET You're a reservist? WILL Yes, sir. BARTLET I didn't know that. [to C.J.] Did you know that? C.J. [nods to Will] He's First Lieutenant Will. BARTLET I had no idea. What do you do? WILL I work with the JAG Corps. BARTLET And this is your weekend up? WILL Yes, sir. BARTLET Well good for you. Where are you stationed? Charlie enters. WILL Since I moved here I'm stationed at the Air Force Legal Services Agency in Bolling Air Force base, but tonight I'm going to Cheyenne. CHARLIE Mr. President? BARTLET They're ready? CHARLIE No, sir. Leo wanted you a minute. Bartlet stands. BARTLET [to Will] Play my seat. Will shuffles the cards, showing his apparent experience with them. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS The Oval Office is filled with various advisors. Leo stands in the foreground twisting his wedding ring. BARTLET Are we getting somewhere? LEO Oh yeah. You know, there was a thought that since Kaliningrad is the only non-contiguous Russian state you could make like you were just informing Chigorin of a rescue mission that barely concerns him. BARTLET And what do I do when Chigorin tells me that Hawaii's not really part of America, and he wants to change the alphabet to Cyrillic? LEO [to one of the guys in the room] Seymour! What does he do? BARTLET [sighs] What the hell. LEO Would you, please? I'm not going to have you tell Chigorin that Kaliningrad's not part of Russia. BARTLET What area are we trolling in? LEO What area? BARTLET Yes. LEO We weren't spying on Russia, we were spying for Russia. BARTLET We were spying for him? LEO Yes, sir. BARTLET Okay, this phone call you're going to set up with Chigorin...it's like for a White House bloopers reel or something? LEO Just give us a couple of minutes. BARTLET All right. LEO Two things I want to put on your radar. BARTLET Yeah. LEO There was a bombing at a nightclub in Kuala Lumpur and they've got a suspect in Berlin who was trying to explode a device at the Brandenberg gate. BARTLET Are the two related? LEO I don't know, but there were two so I wanted to tell you about it. BARTLET [nods] All right. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT TOBY Check. LARRY Check. C.J. Check. DEBBIE 50 dollars. LARRY Fold. ED Fold. JOSH Out. C.J. I'm out. WILL Make her prove it Toby. Show her there are no free lunches at the Friday night game. A long pause. TOBY Call. DEBBIE Straight to the king. Debbie collects her money as the others chuckle. WILL All right, sorry about that. I'll get her for you. C.J. Here's an extra card. WILL That's the joker. Will tosses it into the garbage can from across the room. The staffers go wild. ALL Oh! C.J. Oh my God, did you see that? Did you guys see that?! Toby stands and also tosses a card into the garbage can from his place. They all cheer but a little less wildly. JOSH We're not going to need that three of clubs? WILL Standing at the podium in the press room I could hit a seat in the fifth row. TOBY No, I don't believe that's true. WILL Really? TOBY I believe it's a myth. WILL Well, there are 52 cards in this deck... JOSH 51, the three of clubs. TOBY Dollar a card? WILL Yes. Toby, Will, Larry and C.J. stand up. DEBBIE Sit down and play poker, I'm dealing. Donna enters. DONNA Excuse me, Josh. JOSH Yeah. DONNA The guy is in the Roosevelt Room. JOSH Which guy is this? DONNA For the associate counsel's job. JOSH [sighs] Deal me out for three hands. Josh and Donna leave the room and begin walking towards the Roosevelt Room. DONNA Can I say something? JOSH Yeah. DONNA This guy... JOSH Yeah. DONNA There are some who would consider him handsome. I don't personally, 'cause you're the only one I think is handsome. JOSH Uh-huh. DONNA But for the sake of appearances, here, around the offices, so that other people wouldn't suspect, I'd pretended I thought this guy was handsome if you hired him. Of course, all along it would be a lie, because of how handsome you are... and powerful. JOSH Your sense of humor's a bit of a high wire act isn't it? You're really trying to thread the needle. DONNA And half of it you don't even get. JOSH Give me that. Donna hands him a file and Josh goes into THE ROOSEVELT ROOM. JOSH Hector? JOE QUINCY Excuse me? JOSH Are you Hector? JOE No, I'm Joe Quincy. Josh heads towards the door as Donna rushes in with another folder. DONNA [quietly] Sorry. JOSH Can I just ask? DONNA Yeah. JOSH Are you saying it's Hector you're saying is good looking or is it...? DONNA This guy! This guy. JOSH Okay. DONNA But not really 'cause it's only you that I find... JOSH Yeah, yeah, yeah. Josh closes the door. JOSH Excuse me, Joseph? JOE Yes. JOSH Josh Lyman. They shake hands. JOE Joseph Quincy. JOSH Joe? JOE Yes. JOSH No, I was asking, do you like to be called Joe? JOE Yes. JOSH Were you saying yes to that the first time? JOE Yes. Joe is fine, it's what people call me. JOSH It's funny, it's what I was just saying, the person who created the job opening, her name was Ainsley Hayes, and she was, uh, a very attractive woman, and I was saying that we needed to find another attractive woman with an unusual name, and, here, you're a man and your name is Joe. Joe starts to nod, gets halfway there, and gives up in confusion. JOSH You've go to be asking yourself why I told you that story. Ah, you have a joint JD-MBA? JOE Yeah. JOSH What does a staff attorney do at the New York City Department of Transportation? JOE Defend the City against people with civil claims. JOSH Slipping on the sidewalk? JOE Slipping on the subway. JOSH Banging your head on a turnstile? JOE Yes. JOSH After a JD-MBA from Cal? JOE I wanted to get trial experience right away so... JOSH Then Associate Council at Treasury, then the Solicitor General's office... Why did you leave the Solicitor General's office? JOE You appointed a new Solicitor General. JOSH You weren't a political appointee? JOE No. I just answered a call from a headhunter. JOSH I'm surprised we haven't met. There is a knock at the door. Leo pokes his head into the room. LEO Excuse me. JOSH I'll be back in a second. You forgot to sign the bottom of the questionnaire, the SF-86. You've got to sign your name. Leo and Josh leave Joe in the Roosevelt Room. LEO If the President says yes, we're going to set up the call in about 10 minutes. Leo and Josh enter THE OVAL OFFICE where a small crowd of advisors are waiting. Bartlet enters from the portico. BARTLET What do we have? LEO All right. Best case scenario, is that he lets our guys get it untouched by Russian hands. BARTLET [imitating Chigorin] But President Bartlet, we have a terrific search-and-recovery team. We'll just go get that plane for you. LEO [countering] President Chigorin, I very much appreciate the offer, but our UAV's have self-detonating capabilities, and only our folks know how to make it de-operational. BARTLET "Our folks"? You really think I'd use those words with the Russian President? JOSH You say, "Sir, this UAV has proprietary American technology on it made by one of our leading aerospace companies and we have to protect that". BARTLET "Much as I have to protect Kaliningrad, sir, which brings us to the question of what the hell were you doing flying over it?" LEO It had a multiple mission. BARTLET Did it? LEO Exactly for this purpose. BARTLET What was the other mission? LEO Taking satellite pictures of coastal erosion in the Baltic Sea? BARTLET I tell him it was an environmental mission? LEO It was an environmental mission. BARTLET Okay, and he's not going to want to take pictures of coastal erosion at Coney Island? LEO No. The Baltic Sea is shared by Sweden, Finland, and Germany. BARTLET We were on an environmental mission for Finland? LEO Yes, sir. BARTLET That's what we've come up with? LEO It's what we're starting with. We'll see how it goes. BARTLET Set up the call. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT Joe stands, looking at a Nobel Prize on the mantle. The door opens, and Josh enters. JOSH Sorry about that. JOE That's Teddy Roosevelt's Nobel Prize. JOSH Yeah. [points to the form] Don't forget to sign this thing. They just have a whole... JOE Yeah. JOSH I'm sorry, ah, tell me again why you left the solicitor's office. JOE Lawrence Harmon brought in a new... JOSH He brought in a new staff. Um, you've already talked with Judy Wells? JOE Yes. JOSH And Oliver Babish? JOE We met for a few hours the day before yesterday and again for 45 minutes this morning. JOSH They made you fill out the psychological part of the questionnaire? JOE Yes. JOSH Question 1: A] I do not feel sad, B] I feel sad, C] I am sad all the time and I can't snap out of it, D] I am so sad or unhappy that I want to kill myself. You chose A] I do not feel sad. JOE Yes. JOSH Good. Ever? JOE No. JOSH No, you don't ever feel sad or... JOE No, there are times when I feel sad. JOSH Yet you checked the first box, why is that? JOE It said "I do not feel sad" and I didn't at the time I checked it. JOSH Okay. This'll just take another minute or so. CUT TO: INT. PRESS BRIEFING ROOM - NIGHT Toby, Will and C.J. enter holding a deck of cards. C.J. shuts the door as Toby and Will move to stand beside the podium. WILL Dollar for every card that hits the fifth row? C.J. I'm locking the door; there are still some press around. TOBY Five dollars if you hit the sixth. C.J. There's a spot on the earth where the temperature is exactly the same as it would be if you drilled through the earth to the other side. WILL No, there isn't. How about six dollars if you do it with a face card? C.J. Yes, there is, and it's called the antipode. And if that's true, then why can't it be that you could stand an egg on end at the equinox? TOBY 'Cause you can't ever. C.J. And I say that neither of you can hit the fifth row. C.J. moves over to the window and leans against it. TOBY At the same time? WILL On three. There are three loud bangs and a bullet hits the window behind C.J. WILL Get down! TOBY Get down. Toby pulls C.J. to the ground. Toby and Will cover C.J. with their bodies. C.J. [lifting her head] Somebody's shooting! WILL Stay down. TOBY Stay still. Secret Service Agents run into the room. AGENT 1 Is everybody all right in here? TOBY We're alright. AGENT 1 Ms. Cregg? C.J. We're alright. AGENT 1 Are you sure? WILL Three shots, one hit, straight from the sidewalk, straight shot. TOBY Is the President in the Oval Office? AGENT 1 You need to wait outside. The agent helps them up. Will, C.J., and Toby run from the room. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS The room is filled with people as Bartlet makes the call to President Chigorin. BARTLET He's on? TRANSLATOR Yes sir. BARTLET Let's go. [picks up the phone] Mr. President, this is President Bartlet. The agents run in. AGENT 2 Mr. President. BARTLET What the hell? AGENT 3 [running in from the portico] Step away from the window please. More agents run in from the Portico carrying machine guns. BARTLET Okay, you know what, I'm going to have to call you back. The agents shut the curtains and take up positions by the windows. AGENT 2 Oval's secure. AGENT 3 Bamboo shoot's ready. BARTLET [to Leo] Bamboo, they want me to get into the motorcade. Ron Butterfield enters. RON Mr. President. BARTLET What's going on? RON You all right, sir? BARTLET I'm all right. LEO These people are all code word and higher. BARTLET I was on the phone with Chigorin. RON The translator? BARTLET He's got code word clearance. RON Three shots were fired from the street, at least one of them hitting the press briefing room. We've got the suspect in custody, as well as a high-powered rifle. BARTLET Was anyone in the room? RON C.J., Toby, and Will Bailey. Leo and Bartlet head towards the door. LEO Where are they? RON They're fine. Sir, you've got to stay here. BARTLET Nobody was hurt? RON They're fine. Toby, C.J., and then Will come in to the Oval Office clearly out of breath. TOBY Sir. BARTLET [to Toby] You all right? TOBY Yeah BARTLET [to C.J.] What about you? C.J. We're fine. BARTLET [holding up two fingers] Will, how many fingers am I holding up? WILL Who's Will, sir? BARTLET I don't know if you've met Ron Butterfield, the head of my detail. WILL Sure. LEO Lieutenant Bailey, I'm glad to see you alive, but it's code word clearance in here, and I need you out of earshot, okay? WILL Yes, sir. BARTLET Where's Charlie? LEO He's somewhere in the building. RON We're holding people where they are right now. The phone on the President's desk starts to ring. Leo goes to pick it up. BARTLET But if he's heard what happened, he's going to be trying to get here... RON We've got to hold everybody for a moment so that we can secure... BARTLET No, I'm telling you that if Charlie heard there were bullets, he's going to overpower whoever's trying to... Charlie bursts through the door. The President has a little smile on his face. Charlie looks around and sees that he's come in to a room filled with people. CHARLIE Sorry, Mr. President. BARTLET Come here. Charlie moves to stand beside him. BARTLET It's bulletproof glass in the windows, okay. You want to kill me, you're going to have to do it from inside the building. CHARLIE [sighs] Thank you, Mr. President. Charlie leaves, passing by C.J. and Toby. CHARLIE You guys all right? C.J. and TOBY Yeah. BARTLET I'm surprised your guys managed to keep Fiderer in her chair. I would have thought she'd be the first one through the d... No, here we are. Debbie comes in from Leo's office. DEBBIE Are you all right, Mr. President? BARTLET No one was hurt, someone shot at the press briefing room from the sidewalk. DEBBIE [concerned] C.J. went there with Toby and Will. BARTLET Will's sitting right outside, and Toby and C.J. are standing right there. Toby and C.J. raise their hands. DEBBIE Ron, someone's going to report this I hope. RON Yes ma'am. DEBBIE Um, thank you, Mr. President. [in Bartlet's ear] We're going to need to take your blood pressure in a few minutes. BARTLET Yeah. DEBBIE Thank you. LEO Ron, there were two incidents of terrorist activity earlier today. A bomb in Malaysia and another in Berlin. BARTLET This was just a crazy guy, Leo. LEO That was just a third on the phone in Guam. The head of the Office of Insular Affairs was picked off. BARTLET Come on. LEO By a sniper, Mr. President. RON [quickly] Shut it down! Crash it! AGENT [into his wrist mic] Crash the Oval Office. [to Debbie] Crash it. DEBBIE [into the phone] This is the Oval Office. Crash the West Wing. [grabbing a red phone off from under a table] Nevada, bravo, three, three, one. Crash the West Wing. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT C.J. is talking on the phone, while Carol, and three other staffers watch MSNBC. MSNBC REPORTER The man fired several rounds before being overtaken by Secret Service agents and Park Police. Witnesses say the shooter never entered the grounds, but at least one bullet appears to have struck the window of a White House office... C.J. All right, then here it is. "An indeterminate number of shots were fired at the White House at..." I said I thought it was three shots but I want for the agents to...Okay, "At 9:23 pm, striking the Press Briefing Room"... MSNBC REPORTER The weapon was a modified M-16. C.J. We haven't confirmed any ballistics. Tell your friends to stop saying it was an M-16. MSNBC REPORTER There are no confirmed reports. C.J. All right. The President was in the Oval Office. We've initiated a standard lockdown procedure and are back to conducting the business of the nation... I'll ask him. [hangs up the phone, to Carol] He wants to know if the President wants to say something funny. CAROL That's twice in four years, some of you guys must really be mad at me? C.J. Something funnier than that, but yeah. CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT Josh enters. JOSH You're getting to see a show tonight. JOE Everything alright? JOSH Yeah. JOE What happened? JOSH A guy shot at the building a couple of times with a rifle. JOE Somebody shot at the White House? JOSH Yeah. JOE From where? JOSH The street. Pennsylvania Avenue. JOE Was anyone hurt? JOSH Hmm? JOE Was anyone hurt? JOSH No, but we're in a crash. A lockdown. They're not going to let you leave the West Wing. JOE I heard. You know, I though I heard what sounded like gunshots when we were talking before, but I didn't... Did you hear the shots? JOSH No, but I heard a brass quintet playing "The First Noel," so I just assumed somebody somewhere was locked and loaded. JOE You know, not for nothing, but the people that I talk to don't believe that story, and the people that you'd like don't care. JOSH [looks at him for a moment and nods] Uh, they told me you're just here tonight. Do you have to catch a plane? JOE The shuttle. I'll get the next one. They sit down. JOE Does this happen often? JOSH Well, we don't know what this is yet. JOE We know that somebody shot at the building right? JOSH Yeah. Yeah. No, that's the first time it's happened to us anyway. JOE They have a suspect? JOSH Yeah. JOE Is he white? JOSH I don't know. JOE They suspect terrorism? JOSH Well, he was shooting a modified M-16. It was terrorism. JOE I meant terrorism directed at... National terrorism. JOSH [with a small smile] He shot at the White House. JOE I think you know what I mean. JOSH I have no earthly idea why he shot at us, nor for that matter do I have any reason to believe it was a he. Donna looks through the glass in the door. She knocks. Concerned, she gives a small wave. Josh waves back. JOSH That's my assistant, Donna. Joe waves. JOE Yeah, we met before. JOSH Excuse me a sec. Josh walks into the hall to talk with Donna. DONNA So what's been going on? JOSH You were in the mess? DONNA They kept me down there until just now. C.J.'s alright? JOSH Yeah. DONNA Where were you? JOSH I was in here. DONNA Do you want anything? JOSH No. DONNA You know, I'm going to get you some water or something. [starts to leave] JOSH I'm all right. DONNA All right. So, what do you think of this guy? JOSH I don't know. I haven't been talking to him that long. DONNA Okay. I'm going to... I'll be around here. JOSH He-he's well qualified, that's for sure... He's personable, and he's confident... DONNA But? JOSH It's the strangest feeling. It's like a... really good baseball player is standing in the other teams locker room for the first time. DONNA You're the baseball player? JOSH He's the baseball player. DONNA In the other guys locker room? JOSH Yeah. DONNA I don't understand. Are you writing poetry about this now? JOSH You asked me what I thought of him so far. DONNA [smiles] I know. Can I say something? Can I call Stanley Keyworth and tell him maybe you're going to be calling him later? JOSH I'm fine. I was in here. I didn't even see it. DONNA All right. I'm not going anywhere. Donna walks away, and Josh goes back into the Roosevelt Room. JOSH I'm sorry, what were we talking about? JOE You don't have any information about the suspect. JOSH Right. [with a small chuckle] I got a letter today that said, uh... "You're a lying liar. You lie almost as well as Bartlet." You know, black-white, rich-poor, north-south, odd-even. There may not be anything anymore that outpaces the hatred the right feels for the left or the tonnage of disrespect the left feels for the right. Donna got a letter yesterday that said, "I'm collecting all the guns you've banned, and there's a bullet with your name on it in each one." Donna. The guy's decided to focus his wrath on Donna. He's never met Donna or spoken to her, and he's never met anyone who's met Donna or spoken to her. How's it possible? How's it possible that he hates her so much? How can you not like Donna? She's from Wisconsin! Anyway, 20,000 specific threats made against U.S. targets every year, and with all that, it's still the ones who don't give you advance notice that you're worried about. JOE I asked about terrorism before because of the lockdown. Procedurally it'd be the kind of thing they'd be likely to do if there had been other incidents in the last few hours. JOSH A bombing in Malaysia and another one in Berlin a few hours ago. They both sit silently for a moment. JOSH Might as well use this time for the interview. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Toby, sucking on a lollipop, and Will, stand inside watching T.V. as C.J. walks in. REPORTER [on T.V.] ...saying in a statement from White House Press Secretary C.J. Cregg that an indeterminate number of shots were fired at the White House at 9:23 pm. C.J. You can stand the egg on the equinox because that's when the sun's gravity is lined up directly with the earth's. TOBY [sighs and draws a circle with his fingers] Draw a line from the center of the earth to the sun, and at anytime, someplace on earth is on that line.. C.J. Then maybe for us... TOBY C.J., try it. Take an egg, it doesn't work. C.J. That's 'cause it's not... C.J. and TOBY ...the exact moment of the equinox. C.J. Yes. WILL What is the exact moment of the equinox? Toby points his finger as if Will is on to something. C.J. I don't know... midnight? WILL Midnight where? C.J. All right, maybe it's not at the exact moment of the equinox. Maybe it's at some point during the equinox and you just have to keep trying, but I've seen it. Donna enters. DONNA Are we playing again? WILL I'll get Ed and Larry. LEO [entering from the Oval Office] Donna, would you tell Josh we're back on? DONNA Yes sir. Donna, Leo, and Will all leave the office. Toby stares at C.J. C.J. Did you know that a day on the moon and a year on the moon are the same thing? TOBY I did. [long pause] C.J. I thought my reflexes before, in the Press Room, were cat-like. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT The room is filled with people who all need to be a part of Bartlet's phone call. The President prepares for the phone call as a translator and Leo listen in on alternate lines. Josh enters. TRANSLATOR The Sit Room Watch Officer has the Kremlin. BARTLET You guys playing again? JOSH Yeah, the game's started up. BARTLET President Chigorin, it's Jed Bartlet again. I'm sorry about being abrupt before, but I bet if you turn on CNN international right now you'll see... CHIGORIN [through the translator] My goodness. There was a shooting at the White House. BARTLET Yeah, there you go. It's not a big deal, but they shut us down for a little bit. CHIGORIN [through the translator] Well, I'm glad no one was hurt. BARTLET By the way when they crash the building they don't crash all of it. The Situation Room still works. Leo gives him a "what-the-hell-are-you-doing" look. CHIGORIN [through the translator] Yes sir, I'm sure. BARTLET Mr. President, a little while ago an unmanned B-UAV drone crashed, we think somewhere inside Kaliningrad, as a matter of fact. Apparently they don't respond, you know, quite the way you'd like when there's a sudden shift in the weather. CHIGORIN [through the translator] [long pause] Mr. President I wasn't told of a military mission over Kaliningrad. BARTLET Well, like I say, it was a UAV, it was taking satellite pictures of coastal erosion in the Baltic Sea. The Finns know about this. We'd like to send a special operations team ten kilometres west of Borsakova to retrieve it. CHIGORIN [through the translator] [long pause] Well, Mr. President, like yourself, I campaigned on the environment. BARTLET I'm sorry, sir? CHIGORIN [through the translator] I campaigned on the environment, sir. BARTLET Are you getting that translation right? TRANSLATOR Yes, sir. BARTLET You campaigned on the environment, Mr. President. Coastal erosion in the Baltic Sea. CHIGORIN [through the translator] [long pause] I'll take a look at those pictures and send them to you with your UAV. BARTLET Well, the problem is our UAV's have a self-detonating capability and our people know how to disarm it, and I wouldn't want to put your guys at risk. CHIGORIN [through the translator] Well, given the circumstances I'm sure your experts wouldn't mind talking through the steps with our experts. BARTLET It's proprietary technology, Peter. CHIGORIN [through the translator] To view costal erosion? BARTLET I know it seems... CHIGORIN [through the translator] Sir, I'm going to interrupt this call at this time to speak with my counterintelligence attachE. BARTLET Yes, Mr. President. CHIGORIN [through the translator] Thank you sir. BARTLET This isn't working anymore. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT The card game continues as Charlie looks on from near the window. ED Anything wild? C.J. Just the dealer. Four, no help. Six, possible straight. Heart, possible flush. Jack, no help. And the Dave of Love for a pair of tens. Tens bet. LARRY You know, you're particularly upbeat for someone who's been shot at twice in four years. C.J. Am I? TOBY Yes. C.J. That's 'cause I've got faith there, mi compadre. TOBY Faith? C.J. The substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. TOBY Yeah, but I think what he's asking... Bump ten... I think what he's asking is why most other nights do you think the world's going to hell in a hula hoop, but tonight...? C.J. We dipped twice and eat gefilte fish? TOBY Suzy Cream Cheese, do not attempt the hagaddah. C.J. I know how to bless the soup too. I'll raise your raise. ED Out. C.J. Just the two of us. TOBY Faith in what? C.J. In us. TOBY The people in this room? C.J. And many, many, many others. LARRY Will, are you missing your plane? WILL Not yet, it's a military flight. It doesn't leave until about 12:30. TOBY What's in Cheyenne? WILL A number of us are being sent out there to investigate something that happened a few days ago. TOBY What happened? WILL You know, it's one of those things that sounds worse when you say it out loud because it makes people kind of nervous. TOBY What happened? WILL Uh, two guys failed to follow through on an order to fire their rockets at what was thought to be an incoming ballistic missile from North Korea. Turns out it was a good thing they didn't, 'cause the missile was a meteor, and rather than being from North Korea, it was from, you know... TOBY Outer space. WILL Yeah. Toby laughs. TOBY What the hell happened? WILL Two launch crew officers in Minuteman Three silos picked up a signal of an incoming projectile. The speed, arc, and trajectory of which suggested it was headed to New London, Connecticut. TOBY From North Korea. WILL Yes. TOBY Why do we think at this point that North Korea is attacking the East Coast of the United States? WILL There are transcripts from the silo that show that surprise was expressed at that. TOBY I would think. WILL The base was already at DEFCON Delta, so the launch crew initiated Response Code Orion, which calls for the first in a series of steps to arm their 50 Minutemen. TOBY What's in New London? WILL Trident. TOBY The gum? WILL The nuclear submarines. TOBY Fifty Minutemen they're arming, and is anyone saying this doesn't make sense? WILL Two guys in the silo. The launch sequence went on for two minutes before they had confirmation it was a meteor. But the two guys were debating with Airborne Launch Control and the Cheyenne Mountain Operations Centre and that gets sticky. This is missile defence. This stuff has to work. TOBY And they're sending in a team of lawyers to look into it. WILL Yeah, but we're scrappy. TOBY [laughs] A meteor fell from the sky the result being two guys are going to get court- marshalled. The only two guys who apparently thought it was strange that North Korea would attack submarines in Connecticut instead of say, San Diego or Hawaii. And if it had been a real attack? Would they still have been doing point/counterpoint with NORAD? Will shrugs. TOBY We failed both on a mechanical and human level. So tell me again what you have faith in. C.J. Us. TOBY Why. C.J. Because with what little free time he has, Will is going to Wyoming to defend one of these guys and I don't think it is failing on a human level. TOBY [pauses and then snickers at his cards] I've got ace high flush. Give me your money. C.J. I've got tens full of queens. Give me yours. Charlie, who has been sitting quietly by the window this whole time, gets up. CHARLIE Hey. WILL Who's out there? CHARLIE Zoey. Charlie runs through his office and out onto the PORTICO where Zoey is walking along. CHARLIE [casually] Oh. Hey. ZOEY Hi. CHARLIE This is a coincidence. I was just stepping outside for some air. ZOEY They just let me in a few minutes ago. CHARLIE Everything's fine. ZOEY I just wanted to check. I was just going to call you. CHARLIE Were you? ZOEY Yeah. CHARLIE To say you wanted to get back together again? ZOEY To make sure you were alive. CHARLIE Well that's a step in my direction. Do you want to come inside for a minute? ZOEY Ah, I have to get back and study. One of my finals is tomorrow. CHARLIE Can you believe you're graduating in two weeks? ZOEY I can't. CHARLIE That went fast. ZOEY It really did. CHARLIE Is Chef Boyardee around? ZOEY Now, why do you have to do that? CHARLIE I was asking after him. ZOEY We were having a perfectly nice... CHARLIE Sorry. ZOEY And on tonight of all nights, when we should be thinking about... CHARLIE Why is tonight different from other nights? ZOEY You were shot at! CHARLIE Well, not me personally, but I say all the more reason to... ZOEY I'm going to France for three months. CHARLIE [long pause] When? ZOEY After graduation. CHARLIE For three months? ZOEY Yeah. CHARLIE For three months? ZOEY That's twelve weeks. CHARLIE When did you come up with this plan? ZOEY He asked me a couple of days ago. His family has a farmhouse in the middle of a vineyard near Avignon. No press, no politics. It's what I want to do. CHARLIE I think it's a great thing to do. I just don't know why you're doing it with him. ZOEY Well, I don't know why you have to... you've been out with plenty of women since we broke up and each time... CHARLIE I have not. ZOEY You don't think I know when you go out? Every college student in this city wants to tell me something I don't know. And every time you've gone out, I've been supportive. CHARLIE Supportive how? I didn't even know you knew? ZOEY [getting frustrated] That's how. CHARLIE Hey, you just told me. I'm not the one using the student bodies of GW, Georgetown, AU and Catholic University as intelligence gathering sources. ZOEY And UVA and Johns Hopkins pal, you're easy to spot. CHARLIE Look... ZOEY People like giving me information. What do you want me to do? CHARLIE I want you to not go to France with Jean-Paul. ZOEY [exasperated] Why don't you like him? CHARLIE Because... ZOEY It's been four years in the White House, another being the daughter of a candidate. Eight years as Governor. My grades get printed in the paper. My boyfriends are in the paper. I live and die by my parents' successes and failures. And so do you. Sometimes even more than me. And Jean-Paul doesn't. He's happy. He's... just... happy. CHARLIE That's cause he's got five hundred million dollars and no conscience. ZOEY No it isn't. He cares about things. And one of them is me. And none of them are this, and that's appealing to me right now. CHARLIE Yeah, I can understand that. ZOEY I've got to go study. Sorry you got shot at again. CHARLIE Thanks. Zoey walks off. Charlie watches her go before heading inside. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT CHIGORIN [through the translator] Mr. President... BARTLET Peter... CHIGORIN [through the translator] Unless there was a typhoon. BARTLET I understand. I meant... [covering the mouthpiece] He's yelling at me pretty loud now. [into the phone] I wasn't referring to the change in weather, sir. CHIGORIN [through the translator] The national radar service does not find any UAV's in the area you discussed. LEO [on the phone] It's Leo again. The UAV's are designed to fly below military radar simply because the closer we get, the better the pictures. CHIGORIN [through the translator] I understand. Now what were you taking pictures of? LEO Coastal erosion in the Baltic... CHIGORIN [through the translator] There is simply no way an American UAV could have been in the Finnish part... BARTLET [to the room in general] He's yelling pretty loud at Leo now. CHIGORIN [through the translator] ...of the Baltic Sea and end up crashing in Kaliningrad unless there was a typhoon. Now are you telling me...? LEO Sir. CHIGORIN [through the translator] We have experts too. And an S&R team is looking for the UAV. BARTLET Don't do that Peter. LEO You shouldn't do that, sir. We weren't flying in your airspace. CHIGORIN [through the translator] Kaliningrad is in my airspace Leo and an S&R team has been sent ten kilometres west, to see if we can help you find it. LEO Well, they're going to see it because in five minutes I'm going to tell the President to blow it up. CHIGORNIN [through the translator] Feel free. BARTLET We were taking pictures of Kaliningrad. Everyone gives him shocked looks. CHIGORIN [through the translator] Say that again, please. BARTLET We were taking pictures of Kaliningrad. We take pictures of black market nuclear materials being moved out the back doors of suppositories and into trucks. The materials are being sold to non-governmental elements and, well, that's what we were doing. Rogue engineers, military scientists, and ex-KGB. It's just as big of a problem for you as it is for us, but you're not dealing with it, so we were taking pictures of Kaliningrad. We're going to have to trust each other a little Peter. So we're going to share the pictures we got. Not the technology we used to get them. Otherwise I'm detonating it and neither of us see the pictures. We're going to have to trust each other. Our two countries have stopped the world from annihilating itself for 60 years because of conversations like this one. Why don't you talk it over? CHIGORIN [through the translator] I will. Bartlet hangs up the phone. LEO Good. I'd have said, "We weren't spying on you, we were spying for you," but... BARTLET If he calls back we'll have a deal. In the mean time, one hand. Bring your wallet. CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT Donna knocks on the door. JOSH [to Joe] Excuse me. Josh leaves the room and stands in the HALLWAY with Donna. DONNA Hi. JOSH Did you just come by to look at him? DONNA I just wanted you to know that Stanley's on his cell phone if you want to talk to him. JOSH You called him? DONNA Just to tell him what happened and that you might call him later. JOSH I told you I wasn't going to call him. DONNA I thought you might change your mind. JOSH I didn't... I'm telling you, there's something. A guy this qualified, I'd know who he was. Something's wrong. [long pause] I just figured out what. Come in and say hi. Joe stands as they walk into the room. JOSH You've already met Donna. JOE How are you? DONNA How are you enjoying your lockdown? JOE It's been a very thorough interview. JOSH It has. We've talked about his name, and New York City Department of Transportation. Then we talked about inner cities and jobs and minimum wage and public schools and foreign aid, hitting all the Democrat g-spots. And it wasn't until now that I realized that there was something I forgot to ask you. Are you a registered Democrat? JOE No. JOSH A registered Independent? JOE No. JOSH Are you registered? JOE Yes. JOSH You're a Republican. JOE Yes! JOSH Whoa. DONNA Joe, it's fine. Ainsley Hayes was a Republican. JOSH It is not fine. DONNA Why not? JOSH 'Cause if you're a Republican, then you damned well better look like Ainsley Hayes. DONNA He does! [beat] He will to others. JOSH You don't want to get a job with your own party? JOE I do, I just can't. JOSH Why? JOE I'm in the doghouse with a number of people at the National Committee. JOSH Why? JOE A memo that I wrote for the Solicitor General arguing that the Supreme Court should uphold regulations that limit soft money donations to political campaigns. JOSH Oh, no, that's the kind of thing that's got to wind you up in GOP jail for the same amount of time as... JOE As a Democrat who speaks out against abortion? JOSH Right. Why do you want to work here? Why not the private sector? JOE I'm on my way to New York. JOSH You have something lined up? JOE A final interview with Debevoise and Plimpton. JOSH That's my father's firm. He was a partner there. JOE I know. JOSH They're going to offer you $225 000 a year. Is this your fallback? JOE They're my fallback. JOSH Why do you want to work here? JOE I like public service. I want to serve. And you guys are the only ones left. JOSH Why haven't you signed the questionnaire? JOE Because I can't. JOSH [realizing] You lied on it? JOE Yeah. JOSH Which question? JOE Number 75, "Have you ever done anything that would reflect poorly on the President?" JOSH What'd you do? JOE I didn't vote for him. DONNA That's really very sweet. Josh gives her a look. DONNA Not to me. JOSH You really want to work with us. JOE Yes. JOSH You know we got shot at tonight. On a Friday. JOE Yeah. JOSH All right. I'm recommending you to Leo. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT The card game continues as Bartlet and Leo lean against a desk, watching. C.J. Last card for the players. BARTLET Hurry it up. They're going to call us back in a second. Debbie, do something. DEBBIE Fifty dollars. They all groan as Bartlet smiles. LARRY I'm out. TOBY Fold. BARTLET Thank you. Is the pastrami from Krupins? LEO Yes. BARTLET Tissue paper thin? LEO Yes. Nancy enters. NANCY Mr. President. BARTLET [under his breath] Damn it. LEO Chigorin? NANCY Yes sir. They're ready for you. LEO [to Bartlet] Nice job. They exit. WILL [from Leo's computer] Okay, I've searched "equinox" and "egg," and the news isn't good for the believers. C.J. hurries over. C.J. What sites did they send you to? WILL ThingsThatAreWrong.com. C.J. There's no such site. WILL Read it! C.J. "This has to be one of the silliest misconceptions around and it never seems to die." WILL They also send you to the Apocryphal Zone and Project Astro Utah. C.J. There are no web sites supporting it? WILL No. TOBY And you've got to ask yourself, if no one on the internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed? C.J. [gives Toby a look] I could have sworn I saw it. EVERYONE Ah! LARRY Oh, now you think you saw it. C.J. I could have sworn. Ron enters. RON We're back up everybody. Thank you. TOBY What's the deal with the guy? RON He was by himself. TOBY [in disbelief] He's not connected to anything? RON No. Just a very troubled guy who was attempting what's called "suicide by cop." He wanted the first agents at the scene to shoot him. Anyway, thank you for your cooperation. [exits] WILL I'm heading to Andrews. TOBY Have a safe flight. ED I'm cashed out, anyone need a ride? LARRY I'm going home. Debbie counts her money, settles up, and also leaves, as Toby goes to get his coat. TOBY [to C.J.] You headed home? C.J. In just a minute. [begins straightening the cards] I'm going to let them know outside that they lifted the crash. TOBY See you in the morning. Toby exits. C.J. looks at the clock that reads midnight. She sits at the table as we see Toby talking to Ed in the background. They walk away as C.J. tries to make an egg stand. She gets it into the right position and... it stands on end. C.J. [whispering] Guys. Hey, you guys? We get one final shot of the egg perfectly balanced as we... DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 4.20 -- "Evidence of Things Not Seen"