Abbey (Stockard Channing) is upset when an anti-abortion rider is attached to a foreign aid bill and asks Amy (Mary-Louise Parker) to work behind the scenes to torpedo the President’s (Martin Sheen) proposal while Toby (Richard Schiff) gets in a legal bind when an ex-classmate (Jeff Perry) turns whistle-blower on a lawbreaking chemical company. Meanwhile, the Daughters of the American Revolution wants to disown Abbey when they learn that her distant relative was more pirate than patriot.
THE WEST WING "PRIVATEERS" TELEPLAY BY: PAUL REDFORD & DEBORA CAHN AND AARON SORKIN STORY BY: PAUL REDFORD & DEBORA CAHN DIRECTED BY: ALEX GRAVES TEASER FADE IN: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - DAY The phone rings, and Bartlet, in bed, fumbles to pick it up. BARTLET Hello. FEMALE VOICE Mr. President, it's six a.m. BARTLET Oh, okay. I didn't ask for five? FEMALE VOICE You did sir, and the First Lady changed it to six. BARTLET She's allowed to do that? FEMALE VOICE Sir? BARTLET Ah, it's okay. Thanks. He hangs up the phone as Abbey enters. ABBEY You're up. BARTLET Yeah, what the hell's going on? ABBEY I gave you an extra hour. I checked the schedule and there's absolutely no reason you couldn't sleep an extra hour. BARTLET I know and when she called me at five, I was going to say call me back in an hour and go back to sleep. I was going to do it myself. ABBEY You had a little plan. BARTLET Yeah, and now I missed the whole thing. ABBEY I accidentally blew your plan. And you had advisors on this and everything didn't you? You had memos from senior staff on Operation Human Snooze Button. BARTLET Operation Resting Eagle. ABBEY Oh, no, please tell me you didn't really name it. BARTLET You know I was having a little fun in my sleep. It's how I relax. Wait, let me put my glasses on. Something's turning me on about you, and I can't tell why. ABBEY My hair's wet. BARTLET Oh, yeah! ABBEY I was working out. BARTLET I got in late last night. ABBEY I know, that's why I changed the call. BARTLET We didn't even leave Nashville until after ten. I ended up touring a weapons research facility in Oak Ridge. They've got one of the most powerful reactors in the world. They were able to show me an insulin molecule. Basically scoop up two zinc ions. ABBEY Before your very eyes. BARTLET You're a scientist and your still making fun of this? ABBEY No, I'm making fun of you. BARTLET Anyway, look, I'm trying to tell you something. Bartlet gets out of bed as a steward enters with breakfast. ABBEY Good morning. STEWARD Good morning ma'am. The steward tries to set up chairs to go with the breakfast cart. BARTLET You know what? That's okay, I'm going to get that. ABBEY Thank you. STEWARD Would you like me to lay out the papers? BARTLET No, I'll get them, thanks. STEWARD Yes sir. The steward exits, and the Bartlets sit down. BARTLET Lay out the papers, yes, and today I'd like you to alphabetize them. ABBEY He's just doing his job. BARTLET Anyway when we finally got back from Nashville, Leo was waiting. ABBEY What's going on with Leo and Jordan these days? BARTLET I don't know but we're going to be interested in that less right now than we are in other things. ABBEY What's the trouble, Sheriff Taylor? BARTLET Foreign Ops came out of mark-up. ABBEY How is it? BARTLET It's good. They only cut two billion and shifted half a billion from the Sub Saharan to Western Europe because I guess the crippling hunger in Provence has given the lactose intolerant a problem with-- I don't know but I can live with all that. ABBEY Good. BARTLET Clancy Bangart attached an amendment. ABBEY Stipulating what? BARTLET Stipulating that Foreign Ops dollars wouldn't go to any overseas clinics that council abortion. ABBEY Is that out of the blue? BARTLET Yeah. ABBEY It is, I mean, or it was... BARTLET This is the Senate. They can do that. ABBEY I was just asking. I mean did Bangart give any indication...? BARTLET No, there was no indication. Clancy Bangart doesn't let me know what he's thinking. ABBEY Hey, I was just asking you. BARTLET There's a handful, a handful and a half of cranky conservative Senators who want this stuff, and were waiting to pounce. It's what happened. ABBEY Clancy wants to reinstate the gag rule. BARTLET Yeah. ABBEY Is the bill sunk? BARTLET I'm sorry? ABBEY How many Democrats are defecting? BARTLET I don't know yet. ABBEY How many would defect if you asked them? BARTLET I don't know. ABBEY You didn't make the calls? BARTLET I'm not prepared to do that yet. ABBEY What would happen if you said, "Send me this bill with the gag rule and I'll veto?" BARTLET I don't know. ABBEY Did you talk to the leadership? BARTLET I'm not prepared to do that yet. ABBEY It's not that the money can't go to clinics that perform abortions. It's that it can't go to clinics that talk about abortions. BARTLET I know what the gag rule is. ABBEY I wasn't reminding you what the gag rule was. I was reminding you that you sent 11,000 U.S. troops to KuHndu because in your inauguration you told us that we were for freedom of speech everywhere. BARTLET That's great except people are starving to death, and they're dying of disease to death, and they can't cook the Bill of Rights. ABBEY So we're for freedom of speech everywhere, but poor countries where they can have our help but only if they live up to Clancy Bangart's moral standards? What the hell kind of free world are you running? BARTLET I really don't know Abbey, the day hasn't started yet. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY JOSH This is from David Elsin from the USGS-the US Geological Survey-and the Coast Guard Commander Dennis Travis, "Last night at 3:45 a.m. Battletree Lake burst through its natural dam in what is known as a 'glacial lake outburst". Okay, it's a rushing river of ice and water and rock. It's about 300 feet wide and it's sweeping through Kachadee which is a town on one of the sides of the lake. LEO A 300 foot wide river of ice and rock is sweeping through a small town? JOSH Yeah. LEO And you think that's funny? JOSH No. LEO I thought you were trying to be funny. JOSH No, I'm trying to brief you on a state of emergency in Alaska. LEO Oh, sorry, man. We're on the same page now. JOSH We have an agreement with Canada and Russia on for mutual assistance in Artic airborne rescue so I think the President's going to need to get on the phone or at the very least be briefed. LEO Yeah, me too. I think so too. I'll see to it. Why did it happen? Why did the natural dam break? JOSH The dam was part of a glacier, and the glacier melted. LEO The glacier melted? JOSH It did. LEO Glaciers melt once every hundred million years. This one melted today? JOSH I don't know anything about geology. I think it's been melting for a long time. But, yeah, 3:45 this morning was the straw that broke the camels back. LEO All right. JOSH Thank you. LEO You don't want to stand here for a minute and reflect on the fact that a glacier melted this morning. JOSH Well, I would, Leo, but a glacier melted this morning, so at this point Americans are simply trying to outrun it. LEO Sure. Thank you. JOSH Thank you, Leo. Josh exits and runs into Will. They walk through the HALLWAY. WILL Hey Josh. JOSH A glacier in Alaska melted. You're going to see this on the news in a second. I'll help you prep C.J., but a natural dam broke, there was flooding, and there's going to be a lot more. WILL A glacier melted? JOSH Don't fixate on that. WILL I'm not fixating, but you know, a glacier melted. JOSH Yeah. WILL Okay, well I was just going to ask you if by any chance the first lady is a distant relative of a pirate. JOSH Somebody called? WILL The Boston Globe. They enter the LOBBY as C.J. enters. JOSH C.J., talk to C.J. [to C.J.] He got called by The Globe about Captain Feathersworth. WILL Is this for real? C.J. The Globe? WILL Because the Globe got a call from Marion Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead who has denounced Mrs. Bartlet's membership in the DAR. I'm sorry but is it okay if I laugh a couple of times during this? C.J. Well at Marion Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead certainly. WILL Yeah, anyway, to be a member of the DAR you have to have descended directly-- C.J. From doilies? WILL From patriots. And Mrs. Cotesworth-Haye says that the First Lady's qualifying ancestor is Thomas Broom Weathergill, a pirate. C.J. He wasn't a pirate, he was a privateer. WILL He was a professional pirate. C.J. Yeah, but he worked for us, and he was hired by the fathers of the Daughters of the American Revolution. WILL Okay, should we tell that to the DAR lady? C.J. It's not our job to tell things to Mrs. Marble-Haye. WILL Cotesworth-Haye, and I couldn't agree more, but she's organizing a boycott of the White House reception for the DAR, and that's why the Boston Globe is calling. C.J. He was a privateer; he wasn't a pirate. WILL Right, and also it was a couple hundred years ago, wasn't it? C.J. All right, I think it's time for a visit to the First Lady's office. WILL For both of us? C.J. Yeah. WILL You know I was this close to not answering that phone when it rang. C.J. But close wasn't good enough was it? WILL No. I'm just telling you that if this day ends up with me face to face with Marion Cotesworth-Haye I'm going to, you know... C.J. Laugh inappropriately. WILL There's a very real possibility. C.J. Let's go. CUT TO: INT. AMY'S NEW OFFICE - DAY Amy is hanging diplomas on the wall. She stands back to admire her work, and everything falls off her walls. NAT Miss Gardner? AMY Yeah. NAT I'm Nat. We met yesterday during your orientation. I'm an intern here in the First Lady's office. Or I was until Mrs. Bartlet fired my boss and hired you. AMY Yeah okay. Well you can stay, let's see how it works out. Nat? NAT Yeah. AMY Okay. NAT And Mrs. Bartlet's waiting to see you. AMY Now? NAT Yeah. AMY Okay, well, that's the kind of thing you want to tell me first. Abbey walks in. AMY Mrs. Bartlet. ABBEY Good morning. AMY I'm sorry ma'am. [to Nat] Thank you. ABBEY What happened here? AMY I don't know. I'm sure it's... Good morning. ABBEY Relax. AMY Okay. ABBEY This is easy. AMY What's easy? ABBEY What I want to talk to you about right now. I'm saying it's your first day and I don't want you to feel overwhelmed by this. The Foreign Ops bill came out of mark-up late last night. Senator Bangart, Clancy Bangart, added an amendment, the global gag rule. I'd like you to get the staff together and start coming up with a way this office can influence the President to let Congress know he'd veto the bill with that amendment attached. AMY The President would want to hear-- ABBEY Would want to hear from Senior Staff. AMY You want me to get the President to declare his intention to veto his own bill? ABBEY Yes. No, it's not that easy, but we're going to do it anyway. AMY Yes ma'am. ABBEY Start lobbying. AMY Yes. ABBEY Thank you. AMY Thank you ma'am. Will and C.J. enter. WILL Good morning ma'am. ABBEY Good morning. A glacier melted in Alaska. WILL Are you a little freaked about that too, ma'am? ABBEY No. WILL I didn't mean that I was. ABBEY [on her way out the door] Okay. WILL Amy, we have a problem for your office. AMY No, you can't. 'Cause it's only my first day, and Mrs. Bartlet already has me overthrowing the government. WILL The legitimacy of her membership in the DAR is being questioned because her qualifying relative was a pirate. AMY A pirate? WILL A pirate, a pirate. Oh, yes, a pirate, he. C.J. A privateer actually. AMY Isn't that just a hired pirate? C.J. Yeah. Anyway, Mrs. Helena Hodsworth Hooter-Tooter of Braintree wants to organize a boycott of the reception and, well, there it is. Yes, Mrs. Bartlet descends from quite the murderous band of ruffians, and her membership in the DAR is suspect on those grounds or so believes the Boston Globe. WILL Your picture frames fell. AMY Yeah, they did Willie. CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - DAY Bonnie leads two men into the room. BURT GANTZ Toby. TOBY Burt. BURT Stopped in to say hello. TOBY You were in the building? BURT They had us meeting about testimony tomorrow. I'm testifying to House Resources on Polluter Pays. This is Don Novak the lawyer from Kierney-Passaic. Don, this is one of my first roommates, Toby Ziegler. DON NOVAK Don Novak. TOBY Good to meet you. You're working for Kierney-Passaic? BURT Yeah, we don't make chemicals, Toby, we make ideas. TOBY Mm-hmm, but what do you sell? BURT Chemicals. TOBY And you're testifying for Polluter Pays? BURT Yeah. TOBY On behalf of nature? BURT Yeah, you know what you know you demonize companies that create jobs. TOBY [laughs] "You demonize companies that create..." You think taxpayers should pay to clean up pollution instead? BURT A little bit, yes. A modest amount of pollution is an inevitable cost of any business. Chemical companies are good corporate citizens. TOBY That's nice to know, but tomorrow we've got 15 scientists who aren't on industry payroll, and you'll have... DON The republican majority actually. TOBY Yeah, well, that's got to help. DON It does. BURT I just wanted to say hi. TOBY Good luck tomorrow. DON Nice meeting you. TOBY Yeah. They leave, and then Burt stops in the HALLWAY. BURT I forgot to ask about his kids. DON Huh? BURT His wife is pregnant with twins. Not his-- his ex wife actually. I don't want him to think I was being rude. Hang on a second. Burt goes back into TOBY'S OFFICE. BURT Excuse me... TOBY Yeah? BURT I'm supposed to be in here looking at pictures of Andy. Could you take out your wallet and look for a picture? TOBY What? BURT Toby, please take out your wallet and look for a picture you can show me. Kierney-Passaic's been lying for three years. I need protection under federal whistle blower laws. There's a long pause as Toby takes out his wallet. BURT That's nice. Oh, she looks great there. Is that from Christmas? TOBY Yeah. BURT When are the twins due? TOBY Burt are you defecting? BURT Yeah. Toby begins to write a note. TOBY They're due in May. It's a boy and a girl. We can't decide on names. She likes Rebecca or Sophie for girls. I like Sophie too, but I think a lot of kids are named Sophie now. And I like Rebecca, but I also like Millicent and, which she doesn't like at all, and we're nowhere with boy's names. Toby walks into the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE and hands his note to Bonnie. It reads: "Get Josh Now!" TOBY But they say it comes to you, and we've got a little time. We're still working on it. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - DAY JOSH What's going on? TOBY Hang on. JOSH What's going on? TOBY Cool out. JOSH I got a call that said that-- TOBY Cool out. JOSH Who are those two guys talking over there? TOBY Would you cool out? Burt comes back into the office. BURT Okay. TOBY It's okay. BURT I told him... this is... TOBY This is Josh Lyman, it's okay. BURT I told him we were going to go get some coffee and catch up. TOBY This is Burt Gantz. Burt's the... what's your title again Burt? BURT Director of Scientific Research at Kierney-Passaic. TOBY He's testifying tomorrow on Polluter Pays. JOSH I've, I've read your testimony. TOBY Yeah, but... JOSH His testimony's been written already. BURT It was. JOSH And it says? BURT That Polluter Pays is unfair and unreasonable. That our technology and process is as safe as is practicably possible and that even an insurance bond is ridiculous because there's no evidence we're causing environmental damage. JOSH So we just saved the committee a lot of time. TOBY He wants to change his testimony. JOSH To what? BURT Kierney-Passaic has been concealing from the EPA and local health officials the amount of highly carcinogenic toxins at three of our waste disposal sites. JOSH You have? BURT Yes. JOSH What is the amount? BURT Lots. JOSH Lots? BURT Yes. JOSH So Kierney-Passaic's not been damaging the environment quite so much as they've been-- BURT Causing cancer. I have documentation. JOSH Stay here and don't say anything to anyone till I call. Who knows he's here? TOBY A lawyer from K-P. JOSH [exiting] Wait till I call. BONNIE Josh, Amy Gardner was looking for you. Josh runs into Amy in the HALLWAY. They head to JOSH'S OFFICE. AMY Hi. JOSH It's your first day. AMY Yes. JOSH Is it true that everything fell off your wall? AMY How do you know that? JOSH I'm everywhere. AMY Oh, well I've been orientating myself for the last few days so I'm fine. JOSH Okay, but I don't think orientating is a word. Do you have an assignment? AMY Yes, can I see you in your office? JOSH Donna, I need to speak to someone from the Council's Office. DONNA Yeah. AMY Clancy Bangart attached... JOSH Attached a global gag rule to Foreign Ops and the first Lady's fershnicked. AMY She's what? JOSH She's fershnicked. AMY Well she's not the only one. JOSH You too? AMY I was thinking about the 62% of us who support a woman's right to choose. JOSH 57% AMY Kaiser says 62. JOSH And I'm one of them. AMY This is a huge step forward for the other 38. JOSH You think I like it more than you do? AMY I don't know, but I also don't think you have a reproductive system. JOSH I do not. AMY The President should make it clear he'll veto Foreign Ops with the gag amendment. JOSH He should veto his own bill? AMY No, he should-- JOSH Let me jot that down. AMY No he should threaten to veto. JOSH If he does then he has to veto. AMY I'm saying with the threat maybe the more moderate Senators will insist the attachment be taken off. JOSH Yeah, but if Amy's plan of magic and wonder doesn't he's got to veto Foreign Ops after not one, two, but three continuing resolutions. We need a win and 230 million people overseas need a sandwich so he can't veto Foreign Ops. Donna! AMY What can we do? JOSH What? AMY What can we do? JOSH They tried to attach it to everything in the last four years and we've beaten it back every time with executive orders but this one's going to be law and we have to eat it. AMY Okay. JOSH Why did your stuff fall off the wall? AMY I don't know. Thanks. Amy leaves and Josh goes out to the BULLPEN AREA. JOSH Donna. DONNA Yeah? JOSH Did you get me in with the council's office? DONNA They're all in a meeting till after lunch. JOSH All right, after lunch then? DONNA Yeah. JOSH Hey, you know how you really want to go to the DAR reception tonight? DONNA I didn't want to go to the reception. JOSH Well you're going. The Secret Service needs us to baby-sit someone. One of the Daughters of the American Revolution is also the daughter of the ranking member of House Armed Services. DONNA So she needs to be shadowed? JOSH Not her, her date. Matthew Lambert, 26, was arrested when he was 21 and a senior at Emerson. He was arrested for selling drugs and found guilty of a felony and the Secret Service won't let him in unless someone who's credentialed is watching him. DONNA I have to stay with him the whole night? JOSH Yeah, and he won't know why, so try to be cool. DONNA He won't know why? JOSH Or his girlfriend I would think. After lunch with the council's office? DONNA Can I talk to him? JOSH If you want but don't tell him we regard him as a security risk. It's just, you know, inhospitable. DONNA Yeah. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY Leo is holding a meeting with people from the USGS. PAUL HENDRICKS So far we've evacuated 250 people but residents along the shores of the lake have been difficult to reach. LEO Why? HENDRICKS For one thing most of them don't have addresses anymore. LEO Paul... HENDRICKS And for another there are high winds in the more exposed areas right on the shore. LEO All right, and Canada? HENDRICKS Canada's delivering the Pavehawks inside the hour. LEO Can someone tell me why this happened? Is this an act of God? HILLARY TOOBIN No. LEO I'm sorry? HENDRICKS This is Hillary Toobin. She's a hydroclimatologist with the USGS. LEO What's a hydroclimatologist? HILLARY An expert in what I'm about to say. Mean temperatures in Alaska have risen seven degrees in the last 30 years. That's insane. The temperature hike has caused glaciers to shrink and go backwards, leaving lakes of melted glacier water in their wake. A shift in these collapsing glaciers puts pressure on the lakes forcing them to overflow their natural limits, and killing, this morning, 14 people, not spotted owls. LEO Are you telling me the deaths this morning are the first fatalities of global warming? HILLARY They're definitely global warming fatalities, but I doubt that they're the first. LEO Okay. Can you stay around for a while? HENDRICKS Yeah. CUT TO: INT. AMY'S OFFICE - DAY AMY Mrs. Bartlet. ABBEY Hi. You know the stuff fell off the wall again. AMY Did it? ABBEY Yeah, I think some of the guys might be having fun with you on your first day. AMY They're such rascals. ABBEY Yes. AMY I'm just coming from seeing Josh. ABBEY And? AMY Well his point, and it's reasonable I think, is that the President can't threaten to do what he's not prepared to do. ABBEY I wasn't talking about an empty threat. AMY He's... he's not going to veto his own Foreign Ops proposal. ABBEY It's not his, it's the Senate's. AMY It's his. ABBEY With this attached? AMY It's 18 billion dollars worth of appropriations. It's 950 million for child survival, 140 million for infectious diseases. The White House will have to negotiate another aid package a year from now. Why not gear up for that when I've been on the job for a year--? ABBEY No! AMY --instead of the 5 hours I've been on the job right now. ABBEY Should I get someone else? AMY Of course not, ma'am. That's not what I was saying. ABBEY What right do we have to restrict anything anyone says anywhere, much less what a doctor can say to a woman who needs a doctor? That's right. My husband is one of the most liberal Presidents this country is likely to see for a while. I don't have that many next years left. AMY I think you're wrong there, but... ABBEY Let's get back to it. AMY Yes, ma'am. Abbey exits. Amy closes the doors behind her, steps back, and the doors fall off their hinges, hitting the floor with a huge bang. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE MESS - DAY Charlie is sitting at table. Will goes over. WILL Hey, what's going on? CHARLIE You mean in Alaska? WILL I meant in general. CHARLIE Hang on... I got a Dear John letter from Zoey. She's breaking up with me again. In email. It's a Dear John email from my ex-girlfriend. This is going to be a high self-image day for me. WILL Why is she breaking up with you again? CHARLIE I make Jean-Paul uncomfortable. They've had a talk. WILL So it's really your ex-girlfriend, on behalf of her new boyfriend, who sent you a Dear John email. They begin to walk UPSTAIRS. CHARLIE Yeah that makes it better. WILL What brought this on? CHARLIE Zoey's being indicted into the DAR and there's a reception. And Jean-Paul thinks it's unnatural, and he's the son of a Count. WILL Oh, who isn't? CHARLIE An email. WILL You're going to take this lying down? CHARLIE No, I'll be standing up most of the time. WILL I'm serious. CHARLIE What other way is there for me to take it? WILL Belligerently. CHARLIE Belligerently? WILL I'd say no. I'd do it respectfully. CHARLIE You'd say no? WILL Respectfully. CHARLIE What would that sound like? WILL Zoey, you say Jean-Paul is uncomfortable with our relationship and he'd rather I not be around, and I respectfully say no. CHARLIE Can I ask you something? WILL Sure. CHARLIE Do you have a girlfriend right now? WILL No. CHARLIE When was the last time you had one? WILL About 9 months ago. CHARLIE How long did it last? WILL A couple of days. CHARLIE Okay. WILL In my own defense, she was psycho. CHARLIE So why are you giving me relationship help? WILL Because I'm the only one in this conversation who didn't get a Dear John email from his ex-girlfriend's boyfriend. CHARLIE God, that's really true isn't it? C.J. sees them coming down the HALLWAY. C.J. Will! WILL Excuse me. C.J. She's coming right now. AMY I got a message saying I should meet you both here. C.J. Yes. We think we solved your problem. AMY Which problem? C.J. Marion Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead. AMY Who's organizing a boycott of the reception? C.J. Yes. AMY How big a problem is it? C.J. Not a problem at all, because we have her here. AMY Here in the White House? C.J. Here in the Mural room. AMY I thought she lives in Marblehead. C.J. Turns out she came to Washington. AMY To boycott the reception? C.J. What do you care? Just go in there and talk it through, and if you feel like that isn't working, tell her the First Lady wants to give her an award tonight. AMY I make up an award? C.J. Save yourself the headache. AMY Am I being hazed? Is this a hazing? 'Cause I'll go along and everything but I have to see Josh again so... WILL It's not a hazing. They don't do that... except, yes, you put olives in my jacket again. C.J. I did. I did put olives in his jacket but this is on the level. AMY Okay. They head into the Mural Room when C.J. stops them. C.J. Hang on. AMY What? C.J. I got to make sure I don't laugh. AMY Oh God. C.J. It's a funny name to me, that's all, just give me a second. Hang on. Okay. Will, C.J., and Amy walk into THE MURAL ROOM, where a man and a much older woman are waiting. C.J. Mr. Thomas? MR. THOMAS Yes. C.J. I'm C.J. Cregg. My assistant spoke to you on the phone. Mrs. Cotesworth-Haye, I'm C.J. Cregg. I'm the White House Press Secretary. This is Will Bailey our Deputy Communications Director and Amelia Gardner, who's the First Lady's Chief of Staff. And this is her first day as a matter of fact. We're so happy you could take the time to come over so we could talk this through. MARION COTESWORTH-HAYE I'm Marion Cotesworth-Haye. C.J. [starts laughing hysterically] I'm sorry. I was... I was... thinking of this thing from... this thing that just happened... with the deficit. I'm sorry... AMY Oh God. Excuse us. Amy leads C.J. into the corner. AMY Is this a hazing? C.J. I swear it's not a hazing. It's real. It's real. I just laughed 'cause of the name. You've got to fix it. Amy goes back over. AMY Ma'am. MARION This is my secretary Mr. Thomas. AMY Good to meet you. Ma'am, the First Lady was saddened to see you weren't going to be attending the reception tonight. C.J. gets herself under control, turns around, and starts laughing again. MARION She was saddened? That doesn't sound like Abigail. AMY Well the problem is, and you weren't to be told before hand, but Mrs. Bartlet, during the presentation of honors this evening, was to personally present you with an award. C.J. chuckles in the background. MARION I hadn't heard about this. AMY She likes to keep it a surprise. For the faces, the surprise faces. MARION May I ask what the award is for? AMY It's for your many years of service. A shot of C.J. dying in the background. MARION Is this the Liberty Award? AMY No... Will pantomimes unlocking a door. AMY It's a key. Will runs over to an American flag in the corner and points to it. AMY ...The Francis Scott key. It's the Francis Scott Key key. MARION Well that is a different foxhunt all together isn't it? AMY Yes. You'll be there? MARION I will strongly consider it, yes. AMY Thank you. [to Will] Thank you. They begin to leave. C.J. Thank you. WILL Thank you. Will, C.J., and Amy leave the Mural Room. C.J. You know what happened? I didn't have my game face on. AMY Yes. C.J. Anyway, problem solved. AMY Excuse me. Amy sees Josh in the HALLWAY. They head to JOSH'S OFFICE. AMY Josh. Excuse me. JOSH Hey, is it true your office doors fell down? AMY Yeah, I understand how you did that, but how did you get the stuff to fall off the wall? JOSH The guys from Army Counter-Intelligence get a bunch of boys, I don't ask questions. AMY I was wondering... JOSH Hang on. AMY Why? JOSH It's a public lobby. AMY I don't know launch sequences. A passing intern gives them a strange look. JOSH [chuckles] She really doesn't so everything's fine. AMY Would you consider having the Senior Staff write a statement of administrative policy? JOSH We write SAP's all the time. Saying what? AMY Saying the President should veto a Foreign Ops bill if it comes to him-- JOSH No. AMY --if it comes to him with a gag rule. JOSH He's not going to veto Foreign Ops. AMY Threaten to veto. JOSH He's not going to threaten to veto-- AMY Not the President, the staff. The staff writes an SAP which is public, it might get enough moderate republicans-- JOSH First of all, I don't think it will. AMY It might. JOSH But if it doesn't? AMY If it doesn't, then he signs it. JOSH Then we look like a bunch of empty shirts. AMY Who? JOSH The Senior Staff. AMY That's vanity. JOSH No, it is not. I am at my most effective for this country when lawmakers are under the impression that I have influence with the President, so is Leo, and so is Toby, so is C.J., so is the Vice President. We're not giving back Roe. We're going to swallow it on Foreign Ops, that is all. It's a good package, and I'm celebrating tonight. AMY With the Daughters of the American Revolution? JOSH The daughters of any revolution will do. Listen, I'm not going to ask for an SAP on the resolution, but I think it's important enough that I don't mind if you go over my head and ask Leo to call for it. AMY Thank you. JOSH It's okay to tell Mrs. Bartlet you disagree with her you know. AMY What makes you think I disagree with her? JOSH I know everything. AMY I'll see you tonight. Amy leaves his office. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - NIGHT BURT It's not lying, but the information gets hidden in soil sample reports that are submitted to the EPA. MIKE What's an acceptable level? BURT Of carcinogens? MIKE Yeah. TOBY What does it matter? MIKE It doesn't, just curious. BURT Well, one part per billion is unacceptable. What our engineers do is raise the MDLs. MIKE Method detection levels? BURT Yeah, to 100 ppb. MIKE Interesting. TOBY Mike? MIKE Yeah. TOBY You wanted to become a scientist, but you didn't. You became a lawyer and got a job at the council's office so let's do that now. MIKE I did my undergrad in Chemical Engineering. I was good. And then I went to law school, and I don't know what happened. BURT [chuckles] That's cool. JOSH Can we get on with it? TOBY House Resources is hearing testimony on the Polluter Pays bill. If we can get justice to grant him immunity under the whistle blower statute, he testify tomorrow and say that Kierney-Passaic has been hiding dangerous levels of cancer causing whatever in the EPA reports. It will do tremendous good for us in terms of winning this one. JOSH Toby? TOBY Yeah? JOSH Plus we retard Kierney-Passaic's progress in killing people. TOBY Josh is right. There are several positive outcomes. JOSH Mike, can he get whistle blower status? MIKE I don't think it matters. TOBY Why? MIKE Well you're talking about the Anti Retaliation Provisions in the of the False Claim Act. TOBY Yes. MIKE This entitles an employee to relief. If he's fired or demoted or suspended or in any matter discriminated against because lawful acts done by the employee on behalf of employer. TOBY Yes. MIKE These acts weren't lawful. TOBY How is testifying in front of House Resources not lawful? MIKE No that's lawful but, Bert, how did you become aware that the EPA documents were being falsified? BURT I'm the senior engineer. MIKE You initialled them. BURT Yes. MIKE Well let me ask you this the way the federal prosecutors will. Did you knowingly and purposefully sign fraudulent documents submitted to federal authorities? BURT Well, it's not that the documents were... TOBY Oh my God. MIKE Yeah, he doesn't need 37-30, he needs immunity from criminal prosecution. I'll tell you something else, he'd better get it. JOSH What do you mean he'd better get it? If he doesn't get it, he doesn't talk. MIKE You two would be compelled to name him and recount everything he told you when subpoenaed by the US Attorney to appear before a Federal Grand Jury. JOSH We have to turn him in now? MIKE No, you don't have to, but you'll go to jail as a co-conspirator. JOSH I don't understand. All I did was get up in the morning... then I got a message to go see you. TOBY How come he knows about the rule? JOSH Everybody knows about that. TOBY Was something else on your mind that moment in law school when they taught that rule? Were you distracted by a bumblebee? JOSH Mike. MIKE Burt, why don't you come sit in my office while we call your lawyer? BURT Yeah. TOBY You have a lawyer? MIKE Of course I have a lawyer. TOBY Then why the hell did you come to my office and tell me... I don't care. Mike, let's get him immunity. MIKE We'll wait in my office. BURT I can leave my coat here? TOBY Yeah. JOSH You going to the DAR thing tonight? It's not that I didn't know the federal law it's... we... we got in a little deep before I was able to, you know, summon that... TOBY Shut up. CUT TO: INT. EAST WING - NIGHT Abbey and Amy are talking about the Foreign Ops bill. ABBEY I was talking about the threat of a veto. AMY No, they understood that. ABBEY They? AMY I took it to Leo McGarry too. ABBEY Don't let Josh find that out. AMY No, he suggested it. ABBEY And not even, we were talking about the threat of a veto, we were talking about an SAP. AMY But those policy recommendations are published by the OMB which means there'd be a record of the President ignoring... ABBEY I don't care. AMY It makes it look like they don't have their act together. ABBEY They're exporting religious doctrine. They don't have their act together. Are they playing you? AMY No, ma'am. ABBEY Like the diplomas falling off the wall? AMY No ma'am. They leave the East Wing and walk along the PORTICO to the DAR RECEPTION. AMY They didn't stump me ma'am. We simply exhausted our options which was fairly predictable. ABBEY What options did we exhaust? AMY The HHS Secretary, the Appropriations Manager. I spoke to the Minority Leader's office. Several Senators, all of whom you'd consider close allies. The amendment's going to hold. ABBEY Would the staff consider recommending another amendment be attached? AMY Saying what? ABBEY We put condoms in every classroom around the globe. AMY I don't think the staff would consider that, no. ABBEY Oh, why? AMY Because it would kill the Foreign Ops bill. ABBEY You tried to kill welfare reauthorization because you didn't like marriage incentives. Wasn't that chocking off money to the poor to cater to a women's issue? AMY I did it because I had hope that it would change the bill before the vote. In this case, I have no hope of that. ABBEY Well, thanks for the pep talk there. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Charlie is working when Jean-Paul wanders in. JEAN-PAUL Hello. Good evening. CHARLIE Hey, Jean-Paul. How are you doing? JEAN-PAUL I was to meet Zoey by the car. Is it here? CHARLIE What? JEAN-PAUL Zoey and I are arriving separately, and she didn't want to walk in alone so she told me to meet her by the car. Is that here? CHARLIE Is it here? JEAN-PAUL No? CHARLIE [baffled] Is this by the car? No. This is... we're inside! This is a building! JEAN-PAUL There are many entrances and driveways, and I think you knew I meant that. CHARLIE I swear to god Jean-Paul, I had no ungodly idea what you were talking about. JEAN-PAUL Hmm. Zoey becomes that Daughter of the American Revolution tonight. Like her mother and hers before. CHARLIE Yes. JEAN-PAUL They think it is possible I had ancestors who fought for the Colonies. CHARLIE Well, they think it's possible my great, great grandfather is Thomas Jefferson so... JEAN-PAUL Is that so? CHARLIE You're stoned right now. And that's incredibly risky when you're around Zoey. It's unbelievably stupid. So could you be careful with that? JEAN-PAUL Could you tell me where Zoey meant to meet her? CHARLIE The ellipse. That's where they're receiving people. CUT TO: INT. THE DAR RECEPTION - NIGHT Josh and Donna are standing in a corner whispering to each other. DONNA This is ridiculous. JOSH You don't have to make a big deal out of it. He doesn't have to know he's being tailed. DONNA This wasn't on Laverne and Shirley? JOSH It may have been. DONNA I loathe you. JOSH Okay. Donna walks over to a couple by the bar. DONNA Excuse me, are you Matthew Lambert? MATTHEW LAMBERT Yeah. DONNA Hi, I'm Donna Moss. MATTHEW Hi, this is my girlfriend Heidi Choat. DONNA Hi... You guys here at the party? MATTHEW Yeah. They said we could walk around the West Wing so we're just going to go walk around. DONNA Great, I'll go with you. They exit. Leo walks over to Will and C.J. LEO Hi. C.J. Hello. LEO I've spent a portion of the day with a hydroclimatologist named Hillary Toobin, who says that Alaska happened because of greenhouse gas, and seven other geologists think so too. C.J. We can't politicize it. LEO We have to politicize it, it's politics. C.J. It's disrespectful. LEO It is, and we'll have to say so. C.J. Is Hillary Toobin ready to get publicly scolded by the White House? LEO She is. She'll call for a 25% reduction decrease in emissions over the next ten years, and you'll reprimand her for politicizing the tragedy. What do you think? WILL I think that's right, but I think that I should do it. C.J. You don't want to do it. WILL I really don't, but I don't think a researcher at Interior is going to jump-start this the way you need. LEO I appreciate it. WILL Yes, sir. CUT TO: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT Charlie is waiting outside as a car pulls up. Zoey steps out. CHARLIE Look at that DAR dress you're wearing. Man, that's fantastic. You could churn butter in that thing. ZOEY Were you skulking in the shadows? CHARLIE I was. ZOEY Was Jean-Paul not able to meet me? CHARLIE He's meeting you right now. He's waiting at the Ellipse. ZOEY I don't ever use the Ellipse. CHARLIE Oh, that's right. You know what, I forgot. ZOEY Look... CHARLIE You sent me an email? ZOEY What was I supposed to do? CHARLIE Not send me an email. ZOEY He is very jealous of you. He is, and I'd like to try to make this work. So if you don't mind. CHARLIE Oh, but I do mind. ZOEY Well, I don't think that matters. CHARLIE I think it does. ZOEY Are you going to do what I asked in the email? CHARLIE No. ZOEY You just refuse? CHARLIE I do. I refuse respectfully. ZOEY You can't refuse and be respectful at the same time. CHARLIE Watch me. Ask again. ZOEY Stop pursuing me. CHARLIE Respectfully no. ZOEY Why? CHARLIE 'Cause I'm in love with you and that's the way it goes. ZOEY [smiles] I have to go inside for dinner. CHARLIE How long do you think before Jean Paul figures out your there? ZOEY Oh, shut up. CUT TO: INT. THE DAR RECEPTION - NIGHT Donna, Matthew and Heidi are talking at a table. DONNA Is there anything you guys need? HEIDI CHOAT No, we're great. I feel like you've been giving us so much attention and there's so many people. Don't you have to greet them all? DONNA No, I'm not working the party. HEIDI I thought you said you worked here. DONNA I work here at the White House, I'm a guest at the party. HEIDI So you're just talking to us... DONNA For fun. HEIDI Okay, well I'll go get us drinks. DONNA Okay. I'll stay here with Matt. HEIDI Honey? MATTHEW You want me to go to the bar with you? HEIDI Yeah. DONNA [gets up to follow them] Cool. Bar trip. Toby sees Burt standing by the door, and walks over to him. TOBY What are you doing here? BURT They're still making calls. They told me I could walk around. TOBY It didn't occur to me until I asked why you didn't tell your lawyer. You knew what you were doing the whole way, right? Get the President's muscle to lean on justice for immunity. BURT I'm scared of criminal prosecution. I'm just terrified of it. But to my credit I think I'm righting this wrong. TOBY After three years. BURT That's something. TOBY That's quite an impressive ethical learning curve. BURT It's not as clear cut as you think. TOBY [chuckles] Really. The U.S. attorneys are going to grill you for a while, but you'll get the immunity. A bell clangs. STEWARD Ladies and Gentlemen would you please make your way to the State Dining room. Dinner is being served. DONNA I'm right behind you guys. Abbey walks over to Amy. ABBEY Listen... AMY Ma'am, I spent a year and a half as issues director for NOW, two years as political director of Emily's List, founder of the Democratic Women's forum, AA to Hope Schrader and Director of the Women's Leadership Coalition. ABBEY Look... AMY Excuse me, ma'am, but I beat back five anti-choice judicial nominees, got the Violence Against Women Act reauthorized with a republican majority and raised 22 million dollars for House candidates. ABBEY Amy... AMY All the while this White House, your office included, allowed equal pay to be pushed off the agenda, allowed marriage incentives to be put in welfare reform, buried a surgeon generals report on birth control and allowed the global gag rule in the first place. You hired me to put a professional face on your office. This bill is going to be law tonight. If you want to fire me, fire me. ABBEY I don't want to fire you. AMY Oh, why did you want to talk to me? ABBEY To tell you you had a good first day. AMY Oh, okay, I jumped the gun. ABBEY Yeah. This is strange for me Amy, I used to baby-sit for you, give me a little time. AMY I used to get you in some jams. ABBEY Yes you did. Let's go to dinner. They walk towards THE DINING ROOM. AMY You're giving someone an award tonight. I'll explain on the way. ABBEY What award? AMY The Francis Scott Key key. I didn't know you were related to pirates. That's pretty hot. ABBEY I'm related to a privateer. What is a Francis Scott...? AMY I've written some remarks. CUT TO: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Bartlet is watching the news, as he and Abbey get ready for bed. NEWSCASTER The White House is doing some quick backpedaling today claiming that Deputy Communications Director Will Bailey was not speaking for the President when he said that the deaths in Kachadee Alaska were caused by, quote, reckless disregard for the issue of global warming. Senate Republican Whip, Bill Armstrong, said that... BARTLET Will's a good boy. ABBEY He fell on it? BARTLET Yeah. ABBEY I gave a made up award to Marion tonight. BARTLET Marblehead? ABBEY I think she's from Marblehead. BARTLET No, some of us call her Marblehead. ABBEY She was going to boycott the thing. BARTLET Cause you're a pirate? ABBEY Oh, not me. Seventeen generations ago, and he was a privateer. He fought the war, we didn't have a Navy. BARTLET I know what they were. ABBEY You put a guy on the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals who called sexual harassment "a flight of fancy for the overindulged". You put him on the Tenth Circuit. BARTLET Today? ABBEY Three years ago. And TANF cut child care subsidies, and equal pay got pocket vetoed, and abstinence only, and teacher funding initiatives. And I didn't do a lot, or really anything, to stop it. BARTLET Yeah, you did. ABBEY And now this thing. I want to contribute is all. Like Will tonight, screwing up on purpose. BARTLET We don't have to ask you to screw up Abbey, you do by your... ABBEY I'm not kidding around. BARTLET I can't publicly reprimand you, it wouldn't play well. We save you for other things. ABBEY Okay. BARTLET You want to hear about Max Weber? ABBEY Get into bed. BARTLET German thinker Max Weber said that politics is the "slow boring of hard boards and that anyone who seeks to do it must risk his own soul". You know what that means? ABBEY I like how you think that patronizing me is going to make me feel better. It's sweet. BARTLET It means that change comes in excruciating increments for those who want it. You're trying to move mountains. It takes lifetimes. But Zoey Bartlet is the newest Daughter of the American Revolution so I like our chances for the long run. ABBEY That's what you have to say? BARTLET Yes. ABBEY All right, it's pretty good... So what do you think? You wait a few weeks? BARTLET Till the bulk of the bill is appropriated. ABBEY Yeah. Then maybe you cap the percentage of the funding as covered by the gag rule. BARTLET Yeah. ABBEY And... How do you monitor what a doctor says to a woman in Zimbabwe anyway? BARTLET You don't. ABBEY We'll just get more aggressive on the domestic side. BARTLET We will. ABBEY Move family planning to a discretionary account in next year's budget rounds. BARTLET Keep talking, I'm going to turn off the light. ABBEY Are you getting up at six tomorrow? BARTLET No, I have to get up early. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 4.18 -- "Privateers" Original Air Date: March 26, 2003, 9:00 PM EST Transcribed by: corrine April 22, 2003