Sam (Rob Lowe) packs up to begin his California campaign and refers talented campaign manager Will (Joshua Malina) to Toby (Richard Schiff) who reviews Will’s speechwriting skills. Elsewhere, C.J. (Allison Janney) duels with a reporter who’s upset over his new press room seat assignment.
THE WEST WING "ARCTIC RADAR" TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN STORY BY: GENE SPERLING DIRECTED BY: JOHN DAVID COLES TEASER FADE IN: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY C.J. is standing outside waiting for the presidential motorcade to arrive. Bartlet steps out of the car. C.J. Good morning, sir. BARTLET What's up? C.J. You're going to hear a story. BARTLET Uh-huh. I am a character in this story? They walk inside THE WEST WING. C.J. Well, I suppose that's up to you. A navy pilot, lieutenant commander Vickie Hilton has been taken under arrest by the military police as being charged by the judge advocate with having an affair with a married officer, an inferior, a lieutenant-jg. BARTLET I don't see being a character. C.J. Well, heads up anyway. BARTLET Thank you. C.J. walks off. Leo meets Bartlet, and they walk. LEO Good morning, sir. BARTLET Hey. LEO How'd it go? BARTLET Could have gone better. I didn't think adultery was against the uniform code. LEO You're talking about Vickie Hilton? BARTLET Yeah. It's against military law? LEO No. They don't like fraternization, but her thing isn't the affair, it's failure to follow an order. BARTLET They told her to stop? LEO Yeah. BARTLET What can she get? LEO She could go to jail for two years. BARTLET For failure to follow an order? LEO Sure. BARTLET We shold have that here. Bartlet walks into the CABINET MEETING ROOM where the members of his Cabinet are waiting for him. They stand and applaud him when he enters. MAN Good morning, Mr. President. BARTLET Good morning, Mr. Secretary, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the final Cabinet meeting of Bartlet one. I don't know if this is true, but a Presidential historian told me that this was the most stable cabinet since Hoover's. Which is nice, but you got to think, how many other jobs were really available? But here are facts. You created over nine million new jobs, and the highest home-ownership rate on record. More than 150 new trade agreements. You created the largest expansion of college aid since the GI Bill. Cleaned up over 500 toxic waste dumps. And you did it all while eliminating 16,000 pages of federal regulations. Not bad for government work. Thank you. Bartlet leaves the room, and Leo motions Carol to show a reporter and cameraman out. Leo and the cabinet take their seats. LEO I'll add my thanks, and I'll need your letters of resignation by 7:00. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. THE PRESS BREIFING ROOM - DAY REPORTER JOHN C.J., there's been an acceleration of the Shehab missile tests. Is the White House concerned? C.J. We are. I think all the Bahrain signatories are and we're expressing our concern through the appropriate multilateral channels. John. REPORTER JOHN Can you give us a preview of the Presidents address at APEC? C.J. I can tell you that he's been working out some new material and that it has absolutely been destroying on the campuses. Of course, Showtime will have their cameras at APEC to record the whole thing for the President's one-hour special called Bartlet: In the Thick of It. REPORTER JOHN So, no. C.J. No. I'll finish with a little housekeeping for those who don't know. In a two-term Presidency, as a matter of courtesy, the President's cabinet resigns without being asked, giving the President the option of hiring them or not, rather than firing them or not. Those resignations will be submitted today. That's all. Thanks. C.J. steps down from the podium as MITCH approaches. REPORTER MITCH C.J.? C.J. Yeah. MITCH Can we talk? C.J. Sure. About what? MITCH About what? C.J. What's wrong? MITCH The seats. What happened? C.J. Sorry, I forgot. I moved the news magazines to the fourth row. MITCH Yeah, I noticed. Why? C.J. It isn't a thing, Mitch. There are cameras in here now that are framing part of the gallery and not just the podium and the news magazines aren't here everyday so the camera's getting a couple of empty seats. MITCH We're in the front row. C.J. Yeah, but we're safe after row three, so I put you guys in four. MITCH You can't just do this. It's a slap in the face. C.J. Well, I certainly didn't mean it as one. MITCH It is. C.J. Mitch, I put you in the very first row I don't care about. Of the things I don't care about, I put you right up front. I'll see you later. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Toby meets C.J. as she walks out. TOBY You should amend that in a statement to say that the resignations are effective whenever they are effective. C.J. I did. TOBY Okay. C.J. He's going to remember he doesn't say a word about labor without running it past of the local AFL? TOBY Yeah. C.J. Is he? TOBY Yeah. C.J. And he's got to go door-to-door. He hasn't lived there since he was 18. TOBY He knows. C.J. Speaking of which, high school snapshots. TOBY He knows. Toby walks into SAM'S OFFICE where Sam is packing his belongings. TOBY You're taking the Lakers banner? SAM Yeah. TOBY 'Cause there's a shortage of them in Southern California? Leave it, and leave the stapler. SAM It's a West Wing office. Someone's going to use it for 90 days. TOBY And they might need a stapler. It's ours. SAM Right. TOBY You've logged a lot of miles in the last couple of weeks. SAM Well, I had to go get nominated and then set up the office and then meet every member of the California Democratic Party. Listen, there is no way I'm going to be able to help with this, which is worse for me then it is for you, but there's never going to be the time. TOBY Wasn't counting on it. SAM Are you going to use Michael? TOBY From the staff? SAM Yeah. TOBY Michael's who you use when you need brief remarks to whoever wrote the check we couldn't turn down. SAM What about Jerry? TOBY Jerry's who you use when you can't get Michael. there's no one on the speech writing staff who could do this. It's okay. SAM That's a pretty big job to do by yourself. TOBY You're going to remember the local AFL? SAM Yeah. TOBY You got to go door-to-door. SAM I know. TOBY You were 18 when you lived there. SAM You want a hug? TOBY Put the banner back. See you next week. He exits. Sam grabs the banner and stuffs it in the box. CUT TO: JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY Josh and Donna pass by. JOSH There are some new people. DONNA Cabinet Affairs installed some temps so you'd have extra staff during the vetting period. They enter JOSH'S OFFICE. JOSH Which is good. DONNA But? JOSH I'm not one to give fashion advice... DONNA No, you're not. JOSH But one of them... DONNA Sorry. JOSH ...one of them is wearing a... a, uh... a Star Trek pin. Is today a special Star Trek holiday or something? DONNA How the hell would I know? JOSH Okay, well, then would you find out? And is it's not, you know people walk through here and it's not the most confidence-inspiring sight to see in a White House employee, so if you could ask her to... DONNA It's a her? JOSH Yeah. Can I have my briefing memo? Donna hands him the memo. JOSH Thank you. They walk back out to JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA. DONNA Hang on. I'm doing you a favor, now you have to do me one. JOSH You're... almost there, but you're not quite getting it. When it's something you're paid to do, that's not a favor. What do you got? DONNA Nancy McNally has a new military aid named Jack Reese and we've talked a few times, and I want you to ask him if he likes me. JOSH Wow, I'm definately not going to do that. DONNA How many girls have I gotten for you? JOSH Aren't those basically women who've come up to you and said "Is that Josh Lyman?" DONNA Yes. JOSH And you said...? DONNA Yes every time. JOSH Well, I'll properly I.D. you for him, no problem. DONNA Just a little bit. All you have to do is introduce yourself and remind him in some way that I work for you and see if he says anything. JOSH I can't, Potsie. Ralph and I are double-dating the Dubrusky twins. DONNA I am asking for something very little and you know, you know how lame I am with this. JOSH That's true. DONNA That was for the fashion. JOSH Yes. They reach the NORTHWEST LOBBY, where Amy is signing in. DONNA You'll do it? JOSH [to Amy] Hey, what are you doing here? DONNA Hey. She's got an appointment with you right after senior staff. [to Amy] We're running about 15 minutes behind. AMY At 10:00. That's, like, half hour ahead. DONNA I know, we're very proud. JOSH [to Amy] What's the meeting about? DONNA You'll do it? JOSH Yes. Donna walks away. JOSH [to Amy] I know what the meeting's about. AMY It's about Vicky Hilton. And I'm here in no official capacity and I'm wielding nothing, but the League of Professional Women is going to represent her, and they've asked me if I could help get them time with the President. They walk to the HALLWAY. JOSH There's no way the White House is going to get involved in it. It's a military thing. AMY Civilians run the military. Not only is it okay for you to get involved, you're supposed to. It's the law. JOSH And the Commander-in-Chief chooses not to overrule his commanders. AMY He chooses to do that without hearing informed argument? JOSH Yes, 'cause then when he says no, I got a problem with women. AMY Except that my friends and I can give you a problem with women right now. JOSH What happened to "I came wielding nothing"? AMY I forgot that women just got him re-elected. Evidently, you did too. JOSH [mimicking] "Evidently, you did, too." A short pause as they look at each other. AMY I met her last night. This is a special girl. I want to speak up for her. JOSH All right, we'll talk in 15 minutes. AMY [mimicking] "All right, we'll talk in 15 minutes." JOSH Shut up. AMY You shut up. LEO [storming past them] Oh, God help me somedays. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. SAM'S CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS - DAY Sam walks into the building and everyone stands up and applauds him. SAM You really don't have to do that anymore. Will, dress in a Hawaiian shirt, walks by. WILL Hey. SAM Hey, where you going? Where'd you finally settle on? WILL Nice. SAM Excellent! I like to stay at the Hotel Beau Rivage but I think that's going to be a little pricey for you. WILL Actually, I'm going to stay at the Villa Ephrussi de Rothschild at Sait-Jean-Cap-Ferrat. It's not a hotel, I guess, quite so much as it's... well, a castle. SAM Yeah. This is a family connection? WILL Yeah. SAM All of Europe's a family connection for you, isn't it? WILL Parts of Asia. SAM When's the plane leave? WILL Three hours. So, I'm out of here. You're going to remember you still have to put the County Clerk in the boat. You're going to remember Nina Mercer and you're going to remember light rail. SAM Yeah, listen, I wouldn't ask you to postpone your vacation if it wasn't important. WILL When did you ask me to postpone my vacation? SAM Well, I'm obviously about to right now. WILL Okay, well, then, your shoelaces are untied and I'm hauling ass! SAM Toby Ziegler needs your help on a speech he's writing for the President. WILL You have an OEOB full of speechwriters. SAM Not everybody does this kind of speechwriting. And at this particular moment, not anybody over there does this kind of speechwriting. WILL You're kidding. SAM No. WILL Maybe you want to do something about that. SAM I would, Will, but I don't work there at the moment. WILL I won. I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? SAM We'll you're not done yet. WILL Look, it would be a privelege to help write for the President, it would be the thrill of a lifetime but I'm just too tired to do it well. This was a really hard campaign. A guy died from it. This campaign had fatalities. When is the President giving his speech? SAM January 20th. WILL The President is giving two speeches on January 20th? SAM No, just the Inauguration. WILL Sure. And Toby wants me? SAM Yeah, 'cause of the Tillman speech. You're flying in that direction anyway, thought you could meet in Washington and meet with Toby. WILL Yeah. SAM I'll set up the appointment. WILL I'll change my flight. SAM [handing him a note] Give this to Toby Ziegler when you get there, okay? WILL Yeah. FADE TO BLACK. TUESDAY FADE IN: INT. PRESS BRIEFING ROOM - DAY REPORTER The latest talks, would you say they signal a shift by the White House away from cantaining the greenhouse gases? C.J. No, I definately wouldn't. The President's fully commited to Kyoto and thinks it's time we began adopting to the impact of greenhouse gases is all. Mark? REPORTER MARK Commander Vickie Hilton is quoted... C.J. I'm just going to stop you right there direct you to the Pentagon. Mitch. REPORTER MITCH C.J., I wanted to ask you about your reshuffling of the seats. C.J. Well, we already discussed that but if you want to talk to me more in my office... REPORTER MITCH You made a unilateral decision. C.J. Well, it's my house, Mitch. But, as a matter of fact, I consulted with the White House Correspondent's Association. REPORTER MITCH I think you changed the seating because you don't like our coverage. C.J. Or you attitude. But that's not why I changed the seating. Thank you. REPORTERS Thank you, C.J. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY JOSH [to Donna] Okay, I'm going to see Fitzwallace. DONNA Yeah. JOSH Hey, I see she's not wearing the pin anymore. Thanks. DONNA She's kind of worked up about it. JOSH Why? DONNA I don't know. JOSH All right. Hang on. Josh walks over to where JANICE TRUMBULL is working. JOSH Hi. I'm Josh Lyman. JANICE TRUMBULL Janice Trumbull. JOSH Yeah, the reason why I wanted you to take off the pin is just around the White House, you understand... JANICE I'm appealing your request to Stacy. JOSH I'm sorry? JANICE My supervisor is Stacy. JOSH Right, except Stacy works for me. JANICE Okay, well, you got the cards but Star Trek and the entire Starfleet series is about honor and loyalty and civic duty and the fact that you don't think that those are characteristics that should be displayed inside the White House is sad. But I wouldn't expect you to understand those kinds of things. Anything else? JOSH No. Josh walks away from Janice. He walks with Donna. DONNA See what I mean? JOSH Shhh, shhh, shhh. DONNA What? JOSH She is... well, one of the special people. DONNA Yeah. JOSH She's taken off the pin. We're going to let it be. DONNA I'm assuming you haven't talked to him yet? JOSH That's right. What do you think about this Vickie Hilton problem? DONNA I think you know what I think. JOSH No, I mean about whether it's right for the White House to be involved. DONNA That's a harder question. I've been thinking about it and... JOSH You've got to go faster next time. I'm here already. DONNA Yeah. Josh walks into THE MURAL ROOM. Admiral Fitzwallace is reading the newspaper. JOSH Mr. Chairman, thank you. Hope you haven't been waiting. FITZWALLACE No, I never get to read the sports section anymore. I think I know what this is about. JOSH Yeah, there's going to be pressure from women for the President to intercede, and I was hoping we could find a way to intercede without involving the President. FITZWALLACE These things are handled at the Commander's level in the Navy, and I wouldn't step in unless it's the President's pleasure to order me. JOSH I understand. I guess also, the thing is she isn't just any pilot. She's like Jackie Robinson. She's busted a lot of barriers. She's the first woman at Miramar, first woman to fly the F-14 Tomcat, she teaches on an F-14. I guess at this point I don't have to give you her rEsumE. FITZWALLACE No. But could you tell me more about Jackie Robinson and breaking barriers? JOSH Just out of curiosity, if you could step in, would you save her? FITZWALLACE No. I'd discharge her, dishonorably, and I'm sure that's what's going to happen. Fitzwallace stands to leave. JOSH I have to tell you it just doesn't seem right to me. FITZWALLACE I know it doesn't. JOSH Admiral, you know I have all the respect in the world for you, right? FITZWALLACE Yes. JOSH And if I didn't, I'd respect the unifrom, the rank and the position anyway? FITZWALLACE What is it, son? JOSH I feel like I have to go to Leo. FITZWALLACE Good. That's the way it's supposed to work. He leaves Josh in the room and closes the door. CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - DAY Toby is sitting down writing on a legal pad. He rips off the sheet of paper, lights it on fire and throws it in the trash can. There is a knock on the door. TOBY Yeah. WILL Excuse me. They told me to knock on the door. I'm Will Bailey. TOBY Oh, we have an appointment, right? WILL Yeah. TOBY Come on in. Sit down. WILL Thanks. TOBY Will Bailey. WILL Yes. TOBY So, you want a job on the speechwriting staff? WILL I'm sorry? TOBY You want a job on the speechwriting staff. WILL No. TOBY I'm sorry? WILL I don't want a job on the speechwriting staff. TOBY You're Will Bailey. WILL Yes. TOBY Sam told me you wanted to see me about a job on the speech writing staff. WILL Well, he told me that you wanted help with the Inauguration. TOBY He did? WILL Yeah. TOBY Sam's doing a little matchmaking. I'm fine doing this by myself. WILL That's it? TOBY Yeah. WILL Okay. You're garbage can is on fire. TOBY [stands] Yeah, it's not personal a speech like this. Obviously it takes a certain amount of experience and, uh... He calmly sprays the trashcan with water from a seltzer bottle. TOBY ...and uh, a certain something. WILL Just out of curiosity, how do you know I don't have the something? TOBY 'Cause you don't have the experience. WILL Okay. Well, it was nice meeting you. TOBY You too. At the door, Will turns around. WILL For the record... I was President of Cambridge Union on a Marshall Scholarship and I've written for three Congressional races and a governor. TOBY I read the Stanford Club speech. I thought it was good. Not as good as other people thought it was. WILL Yeah? TOBY Call and response isn't going to work in front of a Joint Session. You're alliteration happy: "guardians of gridlock," "protectors of privilege." I needed an avalanche of Advil. And when you use pop-culture references, your speech has a shelf life of twelve minutes. You don't mind constructive criticism, do you? WILL No, sir. TOBY Anyway, thanks for coming in. I told Sam I can do this by myself. WILL Well, maybe he thought that your speeches were obscurantist policy tracts lost in a cul-de-sac of their own internal self-righteousness and groaning from the weight of statistics. I'm just speculating. I can't say for sure. TOBY A 500-word stanza on American leadership in a globally interdependent age that moves beyond triumphalism by this time tomorrow. If it's 501, don't show it to me. Toby hands Will a pad of paper. Will takes the pad and leaves. Toby sits down at his desk, folds up another piece of paper with writing on it and lights it on fire. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. HALLWAY - DAY Charlie meets Leo walking by. CHARLIE You wanted to see me? LEO I need a favor: the President's gonna be getting a phone call and I don't want him to take it, and I don't want him to know why. CHARLIE The first part is okay the second part gets ethically tricky. They walk to LEO'S OFFICE. LEO The U.N. has had a decades-old conflict with New York City. Foreign diplomats will park anywhere they want, and they get tickets. CHARLIE And? LEO Don't pay them. And that's where are action begins 'cause every once in a while the city goes on a jihad and starts towing all their cars and that's just happened. CHARLIE So someone's complaining to the President? LEO Yes. CHARLIE Who? LEO The Secretary-General. CHARLIE You want me to have the President dodge a call from the UN Secretary-General and not know why? LEO Yeah, could you swing that? CHARLIE If I could, that would be troubling, wouldn't it? LEO I gotta keep the knucklehead stuff off his desk, and this is worse. This is actually hot-button knucklehead. This could be a thing. If he knows why the Secretary's calling, he's going to lose it and he's going to be in it. CHARLIE Yes, sir. LEO What do you think about Vickie Hilton? CHARLIE I don't think you can reasonably ask someone to control who they fall in love with. LEO Thank you. CHARLIE Thank you. TOBY Hey. CHARLIE Hey. Charlie exits. Toby walks by as Leo leaves his office. They walk by the HALLWAY. TOBY [to Leo] You wanted to see me. LEO I did. Because I read a set of brief remarks for the Better Housing Conferences. TOBY Is that something you usually read? LEO No. TOBY Why were you reading it? LEO Because it's not something I usually read. I noticed that the writing has a quality that you don't usually find in remarks of this nature. Usually it's written by one of the guys in the shop. TOBY We're a little shorthanded over there. I did it myself. LEO Well, instead of FHA insured home loans, you wrote FEMA insured home loans. TOBY I meant FHA. LEO Yeah, 'cause FEMA doesn't insure home loans. They don't insure anything. They're the people who come in after a tornado. TOBY I know that. LEO What do you want to do with Sam gone for three months? TOBY We talked about this. LEO As long as you still know what you're doing. TOBY The adjustment period with me, for a new person... LEO You adjusted to Sam. TOBY Maybe, and if I did, it was like, a week ago. LEO Still, you could try to... TOBY Who? Who would you get? LEO There are people out there. TOBY There are not people who... You're like the guys who say, "Are you telling me you could only find one African-American speechwriter good enough to work at the White House?" I'm amazed I found that many. "Good enough to work at the White House" is a pretty small population to begin with. And guys who can write entire sections of a State of the Union? I'd be as surprised if there were as many as nine of us. Sam was one of them. LEO Okay. What do you think about Vickie Hilton? TOBY I think we invested time and money teaching her how to fly a warplane which turns out she does very well and there aren't that many who do. So I'm going to go ahead and pick national security over caring who she sleeps with. LEO Josh talked to me today. TOBY It can't go in the Oval Office. LEO No, it can't. TOBY It can't. LEO Except I have a woman problem. TOBY Is Jordan pestering you? 'Cause I'm getting it from Andy on this day and night. LEO No, Toby, I meant a woman's issue. The constiteuncy of women. TOBY Yeah. LEO Though Jordy hasn't shut up about Vickie Hilton. TOBY This is what I'm saying. LEO All right. TOBY Thank you. LEO Thanks. FADE TO BLACK. WEDNESDAY FADE IN: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY Bartlet is ending a meeting with C.J., Josh and other staffers. BARTLET Okay, thank you. [to C.J.] What the hell is going on with the seats in the briefing room? C.J. I wouldn't worry about it, Mr. President. BARTLET I'm not worried about it, but I just read about it. C.J. The news magazines aren't here every day and the empty seats don't look good on camera, so I moved them to the fourth row. I think you shouldn't comment on it. BARTLET I'll comment on it. I'll say sit your ass where you're told and get back to work. C.J. Yeah, and I don't think you should do that. NANCY [entering] Mr. President? BARTLET Yeah. NANCY The Secretary-General. BARTLET Thanks. CHARLIE No. BARTLET I'm sorry? CHARLIE Yes, sir, you can't take that call yet. Bartlet looks confused. CHARLIE I'm sorry. Toby wanted you to see a new memo on Rwanda before you spoke to the Secretary-General and I forgot to tell the switchboard. BARTLET Okay. [to Nancy] We'll have to return. NANCY Thank you, sir. [exits] BARTLET [to C.J.] Anyway, you're going to take care of it? C.J. I'm going to have a camera positioned moved. BARTLET Well, I'm sorry to hear you caving, but whatever. C.J. Yeah, I'm not caving, sir. BARTLET Well, okay, but still, whatever. Commander Jack Reese enters. JACK Excuse me, Mr. President. BARTLET Come on in. JACK You'd asked for the CEC breifing. BARTLET Thanks. [to C.J. and Josh] This is Jack Reese. He's working for Nancy. This is Josh Lyman and C.J. Cregg. C.J. Commander. JOSH How are you? BARTLET They're talking about a force level data-fusion network. JACK Yes, sir. BARTLET Nancy thinks France will come around after the North Sea exercise. JACK She does, sir, yes. BARTLET You agree? JACK I do, sir. BARTLET Okay. Thanks very much everybody. ALL Thank you, Mr. President. Charlie hands Bartlet a memo. BARTLET Thank you. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JOSH Commander? JACK Yeah. JOSH Hi, I'm Josh Lyman. We just met in there. JACK Yeah. They walk to the HALLWAY. JOSH This conversation you and I are having right now, it was not my idea to have it. This must be distinctly understood. JACK Is anything wrong? JOSH You've meet my assistant Donna. JACK Yeah, she was standing outside when I went to vote. She wanted to trade with a Ritchie voter 'cause she filled out her ballot wrong. I thought it was... kind of cool. JOSH Well, if you like that, she nearly got arrested once when she got her arm stuck in a mailbox trying to retrieve a letter she wrote to Ilie Nastase. She once left her underpants at an art opening and, after a summit in Belarus, she tried to smuggle 11 scented Minsk candles into an overnnight bag. They evecuated the terminal. JACK Really? JOSH Yeah. JACK Okay. Was there something I can do for you? JOSH No. JACK Okay, good meeting you. JOSH You, too. Josh pats Jack on the back as they part ways. Josh continues to the NORTHWEST LOBBY, where he sees Donna. DONNA Josh. JOSH Perfect timing. DONNA Why? JOSH I just talked to him. DONNA Jack? JOSH Yeah. DONNA And? JOSH I think I did well. I think I fanned the flame. DONNA Does he want to go out? JOSH I think he does. They walk to JOSH'S OFFICE. DONNA What did he say? JOSH He said he thought it was cool that you were looking for someone to trade votes. DONNA And what did you say? JOSH I told him there are plenty more where that came from. They are now in JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA. DONNA What do you mean? JOSH I told him about Ilie Nastase. DONNA Why? JOSH What do you mean? DONNA Why did you tell him that? JOSH I thought it went with the vote swapping theme. DONNA No, it goes with the crazy theme. What else did you tell him? JOSH The scented Minsk candles. DONNA Josh... JOSH These are endearing stories. DONNA If you know me, if you know me well, if you already like me, these are not stories for instance, I would have told you when I was trying to get the job. JOSH When you were trying to get the job, you were pretending that you'd already gotten the job, so it's not like your underwear at an art gallery was going to change my mind. DONNA You told him about the underwear?! JOSH Again, endearing. DONNA Karen Cahill had me flummoxed. Did you tell him I was flummoxed? JOSH I think the underwear on the floor speaks for itself. DONNA You have to go back. JOSH Why? DONNA 'Cause he going to think I'm flaky. JOSH Maybe, but he's not going to care. DONNA Why? JOSH Guys will go out with anybody. DONNA That hasn't been my experience. go back. They're back in JOSH'S OFFICE. JOSH I'm not gonna... DONNA I have done many humiliating things for you. JOSH Okay, but I'm going to work for a while on making people's lives better. DONNA How long's that going to... Josh closes the door in her face. DONNA ...take? Donna turns around and walks off. CUT TO: EXT. PORTICO - DAY Bartlet, smoking a cigarette, walks along with Leo. BARTLET You're going to talk to Berryhill? LEO Yes, sir. BARTLET He wants to feel loved. LEO Yes. BARTLET You'll make him feel loved? I want him in the Cabinet. LEO Yeah, he's going to feel all kinds of love. BARTLET Thank you. LEO Josh saw me yesterday about Vickie Hilton. BARTLET You think we should get involved? LEO No, but you're gonna have problems with the women. BARTLET Abbey and the girls? LEO No. BARTLET Women? LEO Yes. BARTLET 'Cause I got to tell you, I've been hearing it from Abbey and the girls. LEO I'm sure. BARTLET What do you think? LEO It stays out of the Oval Office. BARTLET No, I meant about Vickie Hilton. They walk inside THE OVAL OFFICE. LEO She disobeyed an order. You can't do that. BARTLET Sure. Yes, but isn't there some question as to whether it's practical to give that order in the first place? LEO You want pilots overruling their superiors with regard to what's practical and what's not? BARTLET No, I'm just saying there are few side to this. LEO That's for sure, and you just heard mine. BARTLET But we'll hear no others because we don't want it in the Oval Office. LEO Right. BARTLET Okay. Anything else? LEO Thank you, Mr. President. Leo goes to his office. Bartlet looks in that direction before reading a file he picked up from his desk. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. PRESS BRIEFING ROOM - DAY Mitch is the room alone reading a newspaper when C.J. enters. C.J. Mitch... MITCH Good morning. C.J. I hope you weren't waiting. MITCH Oh, just a minute. C.J. Well, you win, I lose. I don't want this to be a story. I want the President to be able to function. I'm moving the news magazines back up front and I apologize. MITCH I appreciate that. C.J. When you're not here, there'll be a sign on your chair with you name and the name of your publication. I've given C-SPAN permission for a second camera position that's on your seat so the braodcast director can go there at his or her discretion. MITCH Are you kidding about this? C.J. No. If you're not here, you better get a seat filler and they better be prepared 'cause they are going to be called on for the honor of the first question. This should be about other people, don't you think? MITCH As a matter of fact, I do. C.J. I know. Happy Thanksgiving, Mitch. MITCH Happy Thanksgiving. C.J. By the way, Danny Concannon won a Pulitzer prize from the fourth row. MITCH Danny's more talented than I am. C.J. See you, Mitch. CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY - DAY Josh is walking in the hallway and knocks on a door. JACK Come in. He enters JACK'S OFFICE. JACK Hey, Josh. JOSH I'm really sorry to bother you. JACK No. I'm just working. JOSH What are you working on? JACK A memo for the C.O. at a radar station in the Arctc Circle. JOSH You ever been there? JACK Yeah. JOSH What's it like? JACK Well, small-town feel. Nicest people you'll ever meet and a terrific symphony, if you like classical music with a pops orchestra on Sunday nights. JOSH Really? [beat] No. There's no symphony or... people. JACK Right. On the other hand, Sunday night does last six months. JOSH Listen, it occurs to me that, uh... you know, I mentioned Donna before and it occurs to me that I told you that I named some things that tickled me. I... I don't know. I certainly wouldn't want to leave you with the impression that she was... you know... Anyway, if you wanted to ask her out, she'd probably say yes. JACK Hey, Josh, uh... I'm new and I want to do well and, uh, I don't want to get in between anything. JOSH "In between anything"? JACK I have an aide, who in my life, I haven't talked about as much as you've talked about Donna in our entire relationship, yours and mine, which is a cummulative total of seven minutes old. JOSH No, no, no. JACK You sure? JOSH Sure. Tell me your aide's name. I'll ask her out. We'll double. JACK Chief Petty Officer Harold Wendell. JOSH I got the fuzzy end of that lolipop. JACK I don't know. Wendell's not "cute" cute but he's so funny. JOSH So, that's it. We're done talking about Donna. Whose full name is Donnatella, by the way. Mom's Italian... Dad's Irish. Okay. Thanks. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY Charlie and Bartlet are standing at the desk. Bartlet is signing papers. BARTLET He's wrong. Leo's wrong. Are we to live with the assumption that there are no men in the services who've commited adultery? I don't know what's worse: being stupid or pretending to be stupid. Tell him that. CHARLIE Yes, sir. BARTLET No, I'm going to do it. Bartlet storms into LEO'S OFFICE where he disrupts a meeting. BARTLET Eisenhower and Kay Summersby, a subordinate. Hammond with the wives of two junior officers. So, G.I. Jane gets a court-martial? G.I. Joe gets a short film on hygeine? That is all I have to say to you. [points] Bartlet walks back to his desk in THE OVAL OFFICE. CHARLIE Feel better, sir? BARTLET I forgot to tell him something else. Bartlet begins to walk to Leo's office, but Leo comes into the Oval Office carrying a book. LEO The Uniform Code of Military Justice, Article 134 which exist to ensure that soldiers will risk their lives for each other. I think you'll agree that, without that there isn't much point in having Articles 1 through 133. Nobody ordered Eisenhower to stop seeing Summersby. BARTLET That's right. Because men don't give that order to other men. LEO Excuse me, but did you not fire our Ambassador to somewhere in South America-- I can't remember-- 'cause he was messing around with... BARTLET The daughter of the president of Brazil, which presented a politcal prblem for me. Also, I didn't fire him, I asked him to resign. And I set him up in the private sector. And if you think the differnce is semantics, look up dishonorable discharge in there. Look up Fort Leavenworth. NANCY [entering] Sir, it's the Secretary-General again. BARTLET Yeah. CHARLIE No, you can't take that, sir. BARTLET I read the memo on Rwanda. Average rainfall nine inches. That's the memo Toby wanted me to read? CHARLIE On short notice? Yes, sir. LEO I told him to pass-block on the call. BARTLET Why? LEO Parking tickets. Bartlet storms to his desk, to answer the phone. LEO Now please, don't leap into it. Don't... Bartlet pushes the speaker button and starts yelling. BARTLET [screaming] There are big signs! You can't park there! They should get towed! I hope they get towed to Queens and the Triboro is closed and there's a big craft show at Shea, a flea market or a tractor show! He hangs up. CHARLIE Well, that was probably his secretary. BARTLET Damn it. CHARLIE You can bet she'll be parking it in a garage, though. BARTLET Do you really think that Vicky Hilton is unable to distinguish between this order and a combat order? LEO This was combat order. They're all combat orders! When you order a guy to go fight, the guy can't think it's 'cause you're sleeping with his wife. BARTLET You're right. Leo does a double take. LEO That's... an unusual phrase for you, sir. Did you just learn it? BARTLET Well, you didn't let me finish. LEO I had a hunch. BARTLET I may also be right. We get five more people in here, I think we're going to have eight opinions. LEO That's right. BARTLET So let's. LEO It's Pentagon. BARTLET And two elections in a row, people said they wanted me to run that. LEO There are issues of chain of command and command influence. BARTLET Right now, I'm not talking about overruling anyone or pardoning anyone. Right now, I'm just talking about having people over and asking questions. I like basketball, but I can't play. I don't know why. I played in prep school and I liked being on the team, but I didn't want the ball and the coach said, "Jed, winners always want the ball." I said, "Coach, winners are also better then I am." He said, "Son, to be a winner, you've got to think like a winner." I said, "Coach, to be a winner, you've also got to be better than I am." Anyway, he was right. Winners want the ball. I don't think I ever want to hear it's too sticky for the Oval Office. [at phone, yelling] Except for parking tickets you cheap-ass diplomats! [to Charlie] Read that whole memo on Rwanda, by the way. [to Leo] What are you smiling at? LEO Nothing. BARTLET Are we together on this? Do we have resolve? We've got four years, no election and a Republican Congress that hates me and actually hates you more. You ready to saddle up? LEO Well, I serve at the President's pleasure... and it's kind of nice for me to. BARTLET All right. Good then. Happy Thanksgiving. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - NIGHT Donna's at her desk when Josh walks out of his office. JOSH Hey. I think he's going to call you. DONNA He already did. Thank you, thank you. He asked me to have a drink tonight and I'd really love to go home and shower and change. [putting on her coat and scarf] The two CBO reports are right on your desk, as is the East Asia paper. Your call sheet is clear. If there's anything else, I'm happy to come in early tomorrow. Do you think I could go? JOSH What time is it? DONNA Quarter to eight. JOSH Sure. DONNA Thanks. I really like him. JOSH Have a good time. Those are good stories about you, though. Those stories would make me like you. DONNA You like everybody. JOSH Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. DONNA Yeah. JOSH I meant, you won't be coming in early tomorrow. You won't be coming in at all. DONNA Is there anything you need? JOSH No, I'm just saying... DONNA Okay. Happy Thanksgiving! JOSH You too. Donna leaves and Josh watches her as she departs. He begins to walk through his bullpen when Janice speaks to him from her desk. JANICE I'm not obsessed, you know. JOSH I'm sorry? JANICE I'm not obsessed. I'm just a fan, and I care. JOSH What's your name again? JANICE Janice. JOSH I'm a fan. I'm a sports fan, I'm a music fan and I'm a Star Trek fan. All of them. But here's what I don't do. Tell me if any of this sounds familiar: "Let's list our ten favorite episodes. Let's list our least favorite episodes. Let's list our favorite galaxies. Let's make a chart to see how often our favorite galaxies appear in our favorite episodes. What Romulan would you most like to see coupled with a Cardassian and why? Let's spend a weekend talking about Romulans falling in love with Cardassians and then let's do it again." That's not being a fan. That's having a fetish. And I don't have a problem with that, except you can't bring your hobbies in to work, okay? JANICE Got it. JOSH Except on Star Trek holidays. [exits] JANICE There's no such thing as a Star Trek holiday. JOSH Well, work hard around here. We'll make one. Josh walks off, and Janice smiles. CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE MESS - NIGHT Toby is sitting in the Mess alone. He's trying to write a speech, but is having trouble. TOBY ...not just a chance, but a mission unique in all of human... To prove that liberty is... To prove that... Freedom unlocks... a higher fraction of the human potential... than... than any... Will walks up and tosses the pad in front of Toby. WILL 498. But with my name, it's 500. TOBY This is mine. Toby hands Will the speech he's working on. They both start to read each other's speech silently. TOBY Stop reading mine. WILL Actually it's... TOBY Stop reading it, please. Will puts down Toby's speech, while Toby continues to read Will's. TOBY We can't offer you any money. We could put you in a hotel. WILL I work with someone. She's my stepsister, actually. TOBY Fine, but she's on your payroll. Toby continues to read Will's speech. TOBY This is incredibly good, Will. "Never shrinking from the world's..." "...a fierce belief in what we can achieve together." I used to write like this. It was ten months ago. I don't understand what's going on. I really don't. I've had slumps before. Everybody does, but this is different. I'm sorry, we don't know each other, but there aren't that many people I can talk to about it. I don't understand what's happening. There's no blood going to it. I never had to locate it before. I don't even know where to look. I'm the President's voice and I don't want it to sound like this. And there's an incredible history to second inaugurals. "Fear itself," Lincoln... I really thought I was on my way to being one of those guys. I thought I was close. Now I'm just writing for my life and you can't serve the President that way. But if I didn't write... I can't serve him at all. WILL Yeah. Can I tell you three things? You are more in need of a night in Atlantic City, than any man I've ever met. Number two is, the last thing you need to worry about is no blood going there. You've got blood going there, about thirteen ways. And some of it isn't good. Once again, I say, "Atlantic City." I'd say sit down at a table, go for dinner, see a show, take a walk on the boardwalk and smell the salt air... but if you're anything like me, nothing after "sit down at a table" is going to happen. TOBY What's the third thing? WILL You are one of those guys. This is an inning of good relief pitching from a fresh arm. TOBY All right. All right. Chances are you have certain qualities that are gonna annoy me. I don't know what they are yet, but you have a certain quality about you that says that even though you're a capitalist, you've been schooled in Eastern philosophies. WILL I told you to go to Atlantic City. TOBY You didn't deny you've been schooled in Eastern philosophy. WILL Well-schooled. You want me to locate your chakra? TOBY Look... WILL I'm a lawyer. TOBY Good, 'cause they're never annoying. WILL Okay. I'm glad you liked what I wrote. I'm prety tired. I've been tired for a plenty long time and you've been tired even longer. I'm getting on a plane tonight and going to a place in Nice and I'm going to stay there for a few weeks. When I get back, it'd be a privelege to give you all the help you ask for. TOBY Well, I appreciate that. WILL [stands] Oh. man, I forgot. Sam wanted me to give you this. Will hands Toby the note from Sam. TOBY You didn't give it to me yesterday? WILL Yeah, you know what? Not your FedEx guy. Happy Thanksgiving. TOBY Happy Thanksgiving. Will leaves. Toby reads the note which says: Toby- He's one of us. -Sam After a moment, Will comes back inside the Mess. WILL Unless you want to start now. TOBY Yeah. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 4.10 -- "Arctic Radar" Original Air Date: November 27, 2002, 9:00 PM EST Transcribed by: ck1czar December 16, 2002