The President’s staff reacts to the crash of a heavy rig bearing uranium fuel rods in a remote Idaho tunnel that could pose an environmental — or terrorist — crisis, while in another room, electoral strategy is stealthily mapped out that could include jettisoning Vice President Hoynes (Tim Matheson) from the next ticket. Meanwhile, the unwitting Veep ponders how to keep a favorite bill intact that would provide Internet access for the poor; earlier, Hoynes finds himself in the same meeting with Leo for Alcoholics Anonymous. In addition: Charlie (Dule Hill) regrets getting advice from a meddling Bartlet (Martin Sheen) for filing his tax forms online; Donna’s (Janel Moloney) request to Josh (Bradley Whitford) for a presidential proclamation honoring the retirement of her favorite teacher might prove more difficult than first imagined.
THE WEST WING "STIRRED" TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN & ELI ATTIE STORY BY: DEE DEE MYERS DIRECTED BY: JEREMY KAGAN TEASER MAN 1 [VO] "We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." FADE IN: INT. DIMLY LIT ROOM - NIGHT Seven middle aged men are gathered around a table. They have just started an A.A. meeting, and the meeting chair is reading aloud to the group. MAN 1 [cont.] "We made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. We continued to take personal inventory. When we were wrong, promptly admitted it." Sitting next to the man, Leo reaches for his coffee mug and sips a little from his drink. At the same time, the door opens, and John Hoynes walks in. Leo nods to him before Hoynes gets his own coffee, and goes to sit. MAN 1 [cont.] "We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him. As we understood Him. [clears throat] Praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs." Okay. I haven't chaired in a while. What do we do next? MAN 3 Now is when we usually start drinking. MAN 1 Okay. MAN 2 Actually, I want to talk about something before we start. MAN 1 If you're gonna try and get my committee to fund that idiot-ass airplane that can't fly... MAN 2 It can fly. MAN 1 That's right. It just can't land. MAN 4 Small price to pay to be able to fly. MAN 2 No, I wanted to talk about Leo. LEO I'll fund the plane, but I'm not gonna fly on it. MAN 2 Well, I've been wondering for a while if it's a good idea that Leo keeps coming to these meetings. LEO Why? MAN 2 Look, every meeting's for anybody. You don't have a password at the door. Just walk in and sit down. Except, where anonymity is crucial, even among other alcoholics. Commercial airline pilots, surgeons and us. MAN 1 Right. MAN 2 Well, Leo's out. He got outed. And I'm wondering if it's wise that he's leaving a trail of bread crumbs in this room every Thursday night when he could go to any meeting... MAN 1 Yeah, but he can't go to any meeting. There'd be photographers camped out at the door. MAN 2 I don't know any meeting where there aren't six guys that wouldn't beat the crap out of anybody... MAN 3 Yeah, that's what we want. MAN 2 Yeah, so I think we should consider this... HOYNES Guys... my meeting. Leo stays. MAN 1 [pause] There it is. Know what I forgot? [reads] "What we see here, what we say here, what we hear here, stays here." ALL Here, here. MAN 1 Anybody want to start? HOYNES I will. I'm John. I'm an alcoholic. ALL Hi, John. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER. * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. THE WEST WING - NIGHT THURSDAY 10:30 P.M. Sam and Josh meet in the hallway. They walk. SAM You wanted me? JOSH You guys go out? SAM Toby had Capitals tickets. JOSH Good game? SAM You know what I'd do if I... No, it wasn't. You know what I'd do if I owned a hockey team? I'd hire a sumo wrestler. I'd give him a uniform, transportation, 500 bucks a week to sit in the goal, eat a ham sandwich, and enjoy the game. My team would never get scored on. JOSH Your team would get scored on constantly. SAM Maybe, but we'd sell a few tickets. JOSH Yeah, 'cause sumo wrestling sells out all the time in big hockey towns. SAM My idea's totally inviable? JOSH Well, you're a Democrat. It's a pretty big club. They had stopped by JOSH'S OFFICE. Now, they walk in. SAM What did you need? JOSH Uh, health, education and welfare is marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow. SAM Tomorrow? JOSH Yeah. SAM And they told us when? JOSH An hour ago. They're zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund. SAM That's the Vice President's thing. JOSH You want to know for how long? I was working for him when he created it. SAM Does he know? JOSH No. SAM What do you think he's gonna say when you tell him? JOSH I think he's gonna say, "Josh, you look remarkably like Sam Seaborn." SAM I could think of a lot of people who are better suited to this than I am. JOSH Who? SAM Leo. JOSH Leo says you. SAM Why didn't he say you? JOSH I don't have the best relationship with Hoynes, and neither does Leo. SAM I don't understand. You just go in there and say, "I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President. It isn't gonna happen. Don't you think he's gonna be miffed if it comes from the Deputy Communications Director? JOSH Well, we don't want you to say I'm sorry. We want you to work with him and save the bill. SAM Oh, all right. When? JOSH His office is expecting you in 20 minutes. SAM What about the meeting? JOSH My meeting? SAM Yeah. JOSH You'll come late. SAM You still don't want to tell me what it's about? JOSH No big deal. You'll find out when you get there. SAM All right. [exits] JOSH Thank you. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - CONTINUOUS Donna is busy typing at her desk. Josh walks out of his office. JOSH I've lost my binder from National Strategies. DONNA The blue one? JOSH The black one with the secret launch codes. DONNA It'll turn up. JOSH I also need the Cabinet Affairs amplification report, and if you can get th AP farm guy back online, I'm almost sure Toby gave me a punchier quote on Ag reorganization. DONNA I shall do those things. JOSH You 'shall'? DONNA I shall, and I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange. JOSH How about a weekly salary of some kind? DONNA Yes, plus a favor. JOSH Name it. DONNA It's a big favor. JOSH What do you need? DONNA I had an English teacher in the 12th grade named Molly Morello, and she was one of those teachers, and she's retiring. JOSH For me, it was Mr. Feig for American History AP and Con Law. DONNA Right. Unusual as it may seem, we're talking about me. JOSH And the big favor you want? DONNA All right. Tell me about Mr. Feig. JOSH No. I think that moment's done, except to say that he meant the whole world to me, and he died four years ago. They start to walk. DONNA Okay, well, Mrs. Morello is retiring. JOSH Not quite as bad as dying. DONNA How hard is it to get a Presidential Proclamation? JOSH Molly Morello Day? DONNA I was hoping for Molly Morello Month, but I should be realistic. JOSH Yes. DONNA And that would be Molly Morello Day? JOSH That would be a nice letter from the principal. DONNA Oh, come on, get him to sign a piece of paper, a little proclamation. JOSH A little piece of paper? Proclamations have the full force of law. The Emancipation Proclamation, to name just one. DONNA To name the only one. JOSH Listen. I-I don't know what's involved with these things. Probably have advisory boards, commissions, the NATO commander's involved, prossibly. DONNA Can I find out what's involved? JOSH Yeah, but find me the blue notebook first. DONNA Yeah. JOSH I'm going to the meeting now. Donna walks off with a big smile on her face. CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFFICE - NIGHT Sam walks in and heads for TOBY'S OFFICE. Toby is inside. SAM Got a minute? TOBY If I said no, would it stop you? SAM No. NEAP figures are out today. TOBY Okay. SAM They're up. TOBY So instead of trailing 18 third world countries in reading and math, we trail how many? SAM Up's better than down. Either way, it's news. The Education Secretary ought to make a statement. TOBY Tomorrow's no good. We've got half a dozen events on the books. SAM We keep saying education is out number one priority. TOBY And tomorrow, we're trying to make news on five of our other number one priorities. Don't you have a meeting? SAM Two meetings, actually. TOBY Oh, I'll check the calendar. SAM Up's better than down. TOBY Where to find a chisel and a stone tablet. Sam walks away. Toby goes out to see Ginger, who is at her desk, flipping pages. TOBY I need to know what the Cabinet's doing tomorrow. Ginger nods to him, but continues to page through the papers. TOBY Ideally, sometime before tomorrow. GINGER [stands and picks up a clipboard] 10:30, Drug Czar on border control, noon, HUD Secretary on home ownership loans, also noon, technical briefing at ONDCP on... TOBY Is it... Go back. What's at noon? GINGER ONDCP technical... TOBY No, the Housing Secretary. GINGER Home Ownership Loans, at the HUD Event Stage. [Toby reacts.] Something wrong? TOBY Page the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. I want to see him in my office. GINGER When? TOBY Look at my face. GINGER Now. TOBY I'm in the Roosevelt Room. GINGER Want me to pull you out when...? TOBY Please. [exits hastily] CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Bartlet is sitting on Charlie's desk, working on his computer. Charlie is looking over his shoulder. BARTLET Okay. We're e-filing the old 1040A. You're single, head of your household, Deanna's a dependent, your adjusted gross income is $35,000 per annum. CHARLIE Sir, I could do most of this myself. BARTLET I love doing this. CHARLIE Really? BARTLET Yeah. CHARLIE Filing tax returns? BARTLET Yeah. CHARLIE Okay. BARTLET What? CHARLIE I was just thinking about the plurality of Americans who made the decision to pull a lever that had your name next to it. BARTLET Suckers. Okay. Your mom's Social Security pension benefits is $1536. Police pension $2400. CHARLIE And here's where my question is. BARTLET "Do you take standard deduction, or do you itemize?" CHARLIE Yes, sir. BARTLET Did you make any charitable donations? CHARLIE $500 to the First Baptist Church, $185 to the Salvation Army in clothing and household items, $500 to the Police Benevolent Soceity of Washington, D.C., and $250 to Big Brothers and Sisters of Washington, D.C. BARTLET Really? CHARLIE Yeah. Plus $430 in non-reimbursed medical expenses. BARTLET [after typing] You're better off with the standard deduction. CHARLIE Okay. BARTLET I'm hitting 'send' now. If you're lying about any of this, you're going to the joint. CHARLIE Yeah. BARTLET It's gonna tell us what your refund is, but I've done a quick calculation, and it'll be $700. CHARLIE That's what I got too. BARTLET You spent it already, haven't you? CHARLIE I'm getting a scan DVD player with MP3 playback. Free shipping and tax, it's $499, which will leave enough leftover to buy a great DVD I found on E-bay. BARTLET Yeoman of the Guard? CHARLIE Oh, how well you know me, Mr. President. On Her Majesty's Secret Service. BARTLET Can I tell you what's messed up about James Bond? CHARLIE Nothing. BARTLET Shaken not stirred will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it. CHARLIE Well, I'll reflect on that while watching my digital enhanced picture with theater quality sound. The computer beeps. The results came back. BARTLET Okay. CHARLIE $700? BARTLET 400. CHARLIE I'm only getting $400 back? BARTLET You owe $400. CHARLIE They're saying I owe the Federal government money? BARTLET And you don't even need a stamp. Hand it over. CHARLIE There must be a mistake. BARTLET Whatever. Hand it over. CHARLIE There's no way I owe money. BARTLET That's not quite how we see it. CHARLIE Can I sit down there, please? BARTLET Sure. Bartlet stands, and Charlie sits, just as C.J. comes in. C.J. Good evening, Mr. President. BARTLET You need me? C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET Let's go inside. [calls] Milo, Coop, would you help Mr. Young find his pockets, please? CHARLIE I'm fine. There's been a mistake. Milo and Coop, two Secret Service agents on duty, loom over Charlie as he works on his tax returns. Bartlet and C.J. enter THE OVAL OFFICE. C.J. I'm sorry to come straight to you, but Leo's unavailable right now. You should be getting a call from the Energy Secretary any minute. BARTLET What happened? C.J. The wire service is reporting that a heavy-haul vehicle carrying depleted uranium fuel rods crashed in the Seven Devil Mountains in Idaho. BARTLET It crashed? C.J. It was hit head-on by another truck, in the Goldfield Tunnel on Route 234. BARTLET Are there populated areas nearby? C.J. Elk Horn's about 20 miles away with a population of 20,000. BARTLET Charlie? CHARLIE [walking in] The Energy Secretary's on the phone. BARTLET Conference in the Chief with the Radiological Assistance Team. CHARLIE Yes, sir. BARTLET Charlie, get me Fitzwallace, Nancy McNally, and let the senior members of the NSC know I might need them tonight. CHARLIE Yes, sir. [exits] C.J. Thank you, Mr. President. [exits] BARTLET [picks up the phone] Yeah. CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - CONTINUOUS C.J. walks out to the hallway into the Roosevelt Room. Several staffers, including Josh, Toby and Ed, are inside for the meeting. C.J. A truck carrying depleted uranium fuel rods just crashed in Idaho 20 miles from a populated town. JOSH Well, what's happening right now? C.J. The President's talking to Tommy about the radiation threat, and he's talking to some National Security people. LARRY [walking in] There's a problem. C.J. I'm just telling them. LARRY It was a 24-ton Type B light cask holding spent fuel rods from the nuclear carrier Truman. ED Does 24-ton Type B mean anything to anybody? LARRY It's a heavy truck. You got to hit it with another heavy truck. TOBY Why National Security? C.J. What? TOBY You said he was also talking to National Security People. C.J. Two trucks in a completely deserted area, and they just happen to crash into each other? I'd want to talk to somebody at least. JOSH All right. Listen, postpone the meeting. [stands] TOBY No, let's do it. JOSH It's gonna be all night. TOBY When we get pulled out, we get pulled out. JOSH It doesn't really seem appropriate right now. TOBY You spent a long night with Bruno last night. JOSH Yeah, and Bruno spent a long night with Doug the night before. C.J. And? JOSH There's no electoral math they can come up with. None. That says it's not worth exploring replacing the Vice President on the ticket. The room falls silent. C.J. sits slowly. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT The meeting continues. TOBY Not five months ago, in this room I'd said-I joked--that if we win re-election it was going to be on the Vice-President's coattails. The way I'm sure I said it is that it was leaked. How has the electoral math changed since then? JOSH By the way... the group of people were chosen because they're the people Leo wanted to hear from tonight but also, because he was confident their wouldn't be a leak and I hope we live up to that. TOBY How has the math changed? JOSH Bruno doesn't think that Hoynes buys us Texas with Ritchie in the race. If we loose Texas this time, we loose Florida this time, that's a third of the electoral votes we need to win. There's a reason the Republicans are nominating this man. C.J. Who does? JOSH What? C.J. Who does win Texas for us? JOSH Nobody, we're loosing Texas. TOBY Wait a second, before we go on to who does win Texas. C.J. I was just saying... TOBY We've been talking about this for a minute and 17 sec and we're already discussing new candidates? C.J. I was saying that if no ones going to win us Texas then why change it all? JOSH Can I make it clear that nobody's advocating anything? TOBY Bruno and Doug are. JOSH Bruno asked for a discussion. LARRY What was the answer to C.J.'s question? TOBY The Northeast, the Pacific coast and the industrial Northwest. JOSH Yeah. If we don't have Florida and Texas it'd mean we'd have to sweep those three. JOSH Yeah. ED And he thinks Hoynes hurts us there? JOSH He thinks someone else could help us more. C.J. Did he say who? JOSH Yes. C.J. Who? JOSH Fitzwallace. He said Fitzwallace, Toby. And when you think about it... TOBY Yeah. LEO [enters] Josh. JOSH Yeah. Josh leaves the room with Leo into the HALLWAY, then into LEO'S OFFICE. LEO How's it going in there? JOSH Ah... you know... we're just starting. LEO Well make sure you get creative. Get people thinking even though you know it's... JOSH Yeah. LEO I'm going to go in there alone for a minute. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Knocking on the door and Leo enters. BARTLET Hey. LEO I was just briefed. They're setting up a joint operations command in Elks Horn. I wish I'd been here a half hour ago. BARTLET What would you have done a half hour ago that hasn't already been done? LEO I'd have known a half hour ago what I know now. This is exactly why I'm not going to my meeting anymore--it's a luxury. BARTLET I know. If only technology could invent some way to get in touch with you in an emergency. Some sort of telephonic device with a personalized number we could call to let you know that we needed you. Perhaps it would look something like this, Mr. Moto! [reaches into Leo's back pocket and pulls out a pager] LEO You should've called me. BARTLET Would you stop? LEO All right. Obviously we're coordinating with the governor's office and state FEMA in Boise. BARTLET You know I've noticed that other people keep a set of comfortable clothes in their office for when they have to work late. I like that -- you should do that too. LEO I do do that. BARTLET Oh. You should change. LEO You see me wearing a necktie? BARTLET Never mind. LEO Can I have my pager back? Bartlet tosses it to him over his back LEO The hazard assessment by the RAD team is good. No airborne release of cesium isotopes. No gamma or neutron radiation readings. BARTLET But? LEO Both trucks are still burning. The fire commander's pulling out his men and equipment as soon as possible. BARTLET I'm pretty sure he's right. LEO Yeah these things haven't tested for tunnel fires. They're built to withstand 1,475 Fahrenheit for 30 minutes but apparently a train tunnel in Baltimore burned at 1,500. BARTLET Yeah, Leo? LEO Yes sir. BARTLET I knew this a half hour ago. LEO Right. BARTLET This whole night I'm going to be a half hour smarter than you. LEO Ok. So you know about the other truck. BARTLET [surprised] No. LEO It was stolen from a rest stop outside of Glen's Ferry two weeks ago. BARTLET The driver's dead? LEO Yeah. BARTLET Arab? LEO No. He's Garry Vernon Clarke. BARTLET Is that his name or is that what we think it is right now? LEO [nods] Looks like it was an accident. BARTLET In what happens to be the most dangerous and unanticipated situation for the transportation of nuclear waste. LEO Yes. BARTLET [sighs] What's that meeting next door? LEO Don't worry about it. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT JOSH Did I leave a folder called "Southeast Targets and..." Donna comes up from behind and hands him the folder. JOSH Thank you. They begin to walk. DONNA I've been putting together a folder of my own. All the things that need to be done in order for the President to issue a proclamation. JOSH What has to be done? DONNA Let me check... Nothing. JOSH Donna. DONNA Nothing has to be done. JOSH He can't just issue a proclamation. DONNA He can. JOSH No I'm saying he can't just because you want him to. What's next, executive clemency if you're having a bad hair day? DONNA I never have a bad hair day and Molly Morello was a public school teacher for 41 years. JOSH Which is nice but these things are for important causes, not individual perks for staffers. DONNA National Digestive Diseases Awareness Week. JOSH When was that? DONNA Right now. It began after General Pulaski Memorial Day. JOSH Look, if you're going to mock the dead... DONNA February was National Sewing Month, by the way. JOSH It's still the President's name and reputation. We haven't vetted this woman. DONNA You're saying that if she's a lesbian... JOSH If she were a lesbian we could talk. I'm saying what if she's a bicycle thief? DONNA I doubt that she's... JOSH Don't doubt it. Know it. Do a Google search, then talk to me. CUT TO: INT. THE VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - NIGHT Sam is waiting inside. Hoynes walks in. HOYNES Sorry, you've been waiting a while? SAM Good evening, sir. No, that's fine. HOYNES I got held up at a poker game. SAM I love poker. HOYNES I heard you had Caps tickets. SAM Yes, sir. HOYNES How was the game? SAM Not very good. HOYNES Have you ever seen a good hockey game? SAM No. HOYNES Me neither. I love sports, I just can't get next to hockey. See, I think Americans like to savour situations. One down, bottom of the ninth, one run game, first and third, left handed batter, right hand reliever, infield at double play depth, here's the pitch. But scoring in hockey seems to come out of nowhere. The play-by-play guy is always shocked. LePeiter passes to Huckenchuck who skates past the blue line. Huckenchuck, of course, was traded from Winnipeg for a case of Labatts after sitting out last season with... "Oh my God, he scores!" So, what's going on? SAM [sighs] They're marking up the Internet Education Act tomorrow. HOYNES Tomorrow? SAM Yes sir, and they're zeroing out the Technology Challenge Fund. HOYNES Tomorrow? SAM Yes, sir. We only heard about it tonight. HOYNES We're going to save this thing. SAM That's what I'm here for. HOYNES It's only $52 million. SAM It's going to be embarrassing. HOYNES 75% of the poorest Americans don't have Internet access. 60% of Blacks and Hispanics don't have Internet access. I have to make some calls. SAM Yeah, the problem is... HOYNES What? SAM The Chairman. You attacked him at the DNC Spring... HOYNES You sent me to attack him. SAM I understand. HOYNES They're marking it up tomorrow? SAM Yes sir. HOYNES You're going to do this for me. You're going to get this done. SAM Yes sir. CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT It opens with a shot of Fitzwallace's picture and information in a folder. We pull back to reveal the Roosevelt Room. The meeting continues. LARRY Decorated in Vietnam, defence hawk... ED There'd be astronomical black Georgia, North Carolina, and Louisiana. LARRY All of a sudden the south is on the table. TOBY Does anyone even know if he's a Democrat? JOSH He would be now. LARRY Certainly no Republican would criticize him. JOSH These guys are right. Black turn out would explode, we'd realign the country. C.J. That's assuming it stays a two-man race. JOSH Who's going to get into it this late? C.J. gives him a look and turns to Toby. TOBY John Hoynes. JOSH Hoynes, as... an Independent? TOBY Yeah. JOSH The guy practically has corporate sponsorship. The Tostitos Vice President is going to lead an independent movement? LARRY It's not that ridiculous. JOSH It is that ridiculous! He'd be finished in politics. TOBY Some future he'll have after we publicly humiliate him by kicking him off the ticket. JOSH So, bring it on. What are we afraid of? C.J. How about a household name with his own base of conservative Democrats and populist Independents. TOBY Starts at 15, maybe 20%. Now, every state's up for grabs 'cause it's a three way. JOSH But he'll loose. C.J. Which is gratifying, of course but not much of a consolation since we'll loose too. JOSH You say what you want, Hoynes is a pragmatist. To do this, he'd be the craziest Vice President since Aaron Burr-and Burr shot a guy. [C.J. shrugs.] I can't believe we're talking about this. C.J. It's your meeting. JOSH I'm getting that a lot these days. C.J. So... that leaves us where? JOSH Wondering if Fitzwallace is a Democrat or a Republican. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Leo and Charlie walk and talk. LEO Yeah, it sounds like you're getting tripped up by 1783. CHARLIE Which is? LEO HR 1783; it's a tax rebate from last year. CHARLIE Why would that affect my return for this year? LEO Did you get a tax rebate last year? CHARLIE Yeah. LEO There's the answer. CHARLIE Where's the answer? LEO Your rebate came off of this year's taxes. That's how we paid for it. CHARLIE Hang on. The money I got back last year has to be paid for? LEO Yeah. CHARLIE That's not a rebate; that's an advance. LEO Well, technically I guess... CHARLIE Not technically. This is like getting a Christmas bonus and having it deducted from your January paycheck. LEO This doesn't sound like very patriotic talk to me, Charlie. They enter Charlie's office. CHARLIE It's not. Why did you call it a rebate? LEO So people would spend it. If they thought it was an advance, they might save it. CHARLIE It was an advance. LEO Did you spend it? CHARLIE I paid my VISA bill. LEO We would have preferred it if you'd ate in a restaurant or travelled. CHARLIE Me too. LEO Well, in any event... [puts out his hand] CHARLIE What? [Leo starts wiggling his fingers] Oh, what are you the collector? BARTLET Leo. LEO He used the rebate to pay off his VISA bill. CHARLIE It wasn't a rebate; it was an advance. BARTLET A trip to Banana Republic would have killed you? [to Leo] Let's go. Bartlet and Leo walk into THE OVAL OFFICE. LEO The problem is we don't know anything. BARTLET That's never been a problem for us before. LEO We don't know anything until we can get into the tunnel, and we can't get into the tunnel until the place cools down. Until we can get into the tunnel we don't know if we have to evacuate Elk Horn. BARTLET Well, that's FEMA's call, isn't it? LEO FEMA's indicated they're going to want to make it the Governor's call, and the Governor's indicated that he's going to want you to step in and... BARTLET I should set a ransom. I'll tell you what the radiation levels are, but first I want your electoral votes. Or is that a bad strategy? LEO Pretty bad. BARTLET Okay, no ransom. We'll play this one straight. What about other shipments? LEO There are two other shipments on the road tonight. One's low level radioactive waste, mostly medical. It's being shipped on three rail cars in South Carolina. BARTLET Have we stopped the train? LEO Yeah. The National Guard's going to secure it until we know what happened. BARTLET What about the second? LEO That's more problematic. There's about 200 pounds of what's called "trans-uranic" material from Rocky Flats where they assemble the nuclear triggers. They're about 150 miles away from Carlsbad and we can't tell them to pull over 'cause that makes them more vulnerable. BARTLET They beefed up the escort? LEO Yeah. BARTLET Ok. LEO Thank you, Mr. President. LARRY [VO] No one knew if Eisenhower was a Democrat or a Republican before he ran. CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT ED Grant only voted once in his life, and it was for the other guys. C.J. Grant works as an example in almost any situation. [Leo enters.] That's Grant's legacy. TOBY Plus he won the Civil War. JOSH What about Leo? LEO What'd I do? JOSH As running mate. Bartlet-McGarry. LEO Done. JOSH It's not absurd you know. LEO Yes, it is. JOSH It's not totally absurd. LEO Yes, it is. TOBY He wants your parking space. JOSH I really do. C.J. It's not totally absurd. LEO You have a good parking space. C.J. You know, if it weren't for the drinking and the valium... And yet Grant... [Larry nods.] TOBY That's right. C.J. And yet Grant. They went to Lincoln. They said, "Grant's a drunk". He said, "Send all my generals a case of whatever he's drinking". LARRY I see a 30 second spot. LEO You guys don't think an alcoholic can be Vice-President? You really think the 20th century didn't see an alcoholic in the West Wing? I'll be around. He stands up and leaves. Josh looks pensive. CUT TO: INT. MARGARET'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Leo enters. Margaret hands him messages. Josh leaves the meeting and comes to join them. JOSH Hey... Leo. That didn't mean anything? LEO Yeah, I didn't take anything. JOSH [sighs] What's going on in Idaho? LEO The tunnel's still hot. We're looking at evacuating Elk Horn. JOSH Elk Horn's 20 000. LEO Yeah. JOSH We've done this before? LEO For hurricanes, yeah. JOSH This is a radioactive cloud. LEO I wouldn't call it a cloud. JOSH You wouldn't call it the end of the Yankee game either. LEO I don't know. You've got your sirens, route and tunnel alerts on local radio and TV. Paul Reveres go out... JOSH Civil defence volunteers? LEO Yeah, we've got the armoury in Caldwell, 75 miles away for refugees. JOSH Still, we're talking about widespread panic and chaos, right? LEO I assume. Anything else? JOSH I don't want to go back to my meeting. LEO Well you're not staying here. JOSH Okay. [leaves] CUT TO: INT. THE VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE - NIGHT Sam is still talking to the Vice President. HOYNES There must be $100, $110 million for distance learning and telemedicine. Can we shave that down? SAM There are three rural members on the committee who love distance learning. HOYNES I'm not sure I see the point if the rural poor don't have Internet hook-ups. Why don't we just plus up the entire bill? SAM Sir? HOYNES We get our Internet for $52 million. They get to add $52 million for Internet blocking software or whatever they want. Why can't we do that? SAM Well, one of the problems is they're deficit hogs. HOYNES And we're deficit hogs too aren't we? SAM That's the other problem. HOYNES All right, work with me here. What do they want? A bridge, a highway, a soda machine? What do they want? SAM They want your name off the bill. Sir, they want your name off of it. They love this bill. Helping the poor learn computers so they can lift themselves up by their bootstraps it gets voted out of committee unanimously. But it's an election year. HOYNES When is it not an election year? [Sighs] I like what Daniel Webster said when the Whig party offered him the Vice President. "I do not propose to be buried until I am dead". I used to be every Republicans favourite Democrat. Screw it, Sam. SAM Absolutely, Mr Vice President. HOYNES Let's take my name off it. SAM Yes, sir. CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - NIGHT Ginger stands reading a report. Toby leaves the Roosevelt Room and walks in. TOBY Where's Secretary Fisher? GINGER He can't make it tonight. TOBY Excuse me? GINGER The Secretary's at an NGA reception at the Willard Hotel. She says he can see you tomorrow afternoon. TOBY "She." GINGER His scheduler. TOBY You paged him? GINGER She called back. TOBY [chuckles] Call Fisher or his scheduler and say that I want the Secretary here in half an hour to talk about moving his announcement to the White House briefing room... 'cause we have more TV cameras. GINGER 'Cause we have more... TOBY The most dangerous place in Washington is between Bill Fisher and a TV camera. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT Josh enters his office to find Donna at his desk. DONNA Clean as a whistle. JOSH Thank you. DONNA Molly Morello. JOSH Look... DONNA When was the last time I asked you for anything? By the way I found this. JOSH What? DONNA "A proclamation to modify the quantitative limitations applicable to the import of wheat glutin". JOSH We are just a little rococo aren't we? DONNA Why is Molly Morello less worthy of a proclamation than General Pulaski was? JOSH I wish I knew who General Pulaski was. DONNA This is what I mean. JOSH She's not less worthy. But neither is she more worthy than the other 90 000 public school teachers who are retiring this year. DONNA Who weren't lucky enough to have a White House staffer as a former student. JOSH But that's where we get into trouble. DONNA Who would find out? JOSH "Who would find out" is also where we frequently find trouble. DONNA You're right. JOSH Yes. DONNA All right, you're right. Josh leaves and catches up with Sam. They walk towards the Roosevelt Room. SAM Hey. JOSH You get it done? SAM Yeah. JOSH He's taking his name off it? SAM Yeah. JOSH Well, it feels like we're almost done in there. SAM You want to tell me what this meeting's about now. JOSH Replacing Hoynes. SAM What are you talking about? JOSH Bruno wanted us to look at replacing Hoynes. SAM Josh. JOSH So, we're looking at it. What's the big...? We're looking at it. And everybody's treating me like... SAM Why? JOSH There's electoral math. SAM Was I sent away? JOSH No. SAM I wasn't sent to Hoynes' office so I wouldn't be at that meeting? JOSH No. SAM Is this ser... I mean, are you talking about names? JOSH Fitzwallace, Leo, and Ulysses S. Grant. SAM Not for nothing but before we go in there, I want to be clear. I didn't have to convince him, or even suggest it. Right off the bat, he said "Let's take my name off of it". Sam enters the Roosevelt Room. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Leo is on the phone. Margaret knocks and sticks her head in. LEO Yeah? MARGARET Leo. LEO Yeah. MARGARET The Vice President. LEO Thanks. You can go home now. MARGARET I go home when you go home. LEO [on phone] I'll get back to you. Hoynes comes in and Margaret leaves. LEO Mr. Vice President. I like your style. [They shake hands.] HOYNES It's money well spent. LEO It deserved to have your name on it. HOYNES Well, I've got my name on other stuff. You know what I don't like, I don't like that we can't campaign on it. LEO Can you sit for a minute? HOYNES Yeah. LEO I'm in a bind, and I think you know what it is. HOYNES I'm sorry, I don't. LEO I have to respect the anonymity of an alcoholic and I can't reveal what's said in a meeting but I've got a responsibility to the President, and in fact to the country. And so... HOYNES Leo, I'm sorry, I honestly don't know what you're saying. LEO John, you've got to tell the President. HOYNES Tell him what? LEO That you're an alcoholic. HOYNES [in disbelief] Are you telling me he doesn't know?! LEO How would he know? HOYNES You didn't tell him? LEO Of course I didn't tell him. HOYNES Before you picked me, you didn't tell him? LEO No. HOYNES I... I always assumed... LEO No. HOYNES Well. Let's go see our boss. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - NIGHT Ginger seats the HUD Secretary BILL FISHER in Toby's office and goes to the Roosevelt Room to get Toby from the meeting. Toby heads to his office. BILL FISHER Hey. TOBY How was the NGA? FISHER Oh, you know the Governors, too many mandates, too little money. I can hear that one at home. TOBY [polite laugh] Good one. FISHER The Governors liked it. TOBY Yeah. Have you announced for the Governor of New Jersey, Bill? FISHER Excuse me? TOBY Did I miss and announcement somewhere? FISHER That's three years away. I'm just trying to serve the President... TOBY 'Cause I've never heard of these home ownership loans, so I'm assuming it's a campaign proposal. Camden and Newark will go nuts but I know it's not a national program. FISHER Give me a break. TOBY You know how I know? 'Cause national programs are announced by the President of the United States unless this White House passes on them first. FISHER Toby, this is a nickel and dime program. Calm down. TOBY You're right. I forgot. We're announcing a brand new replacement for Social Security tomorrow. FISHER I thought we were here to talk about... TOBY [raising his voice] They're not your nickels, Bill. They're not your dimes. FISHER Whoa! Ha on a minute. The President asked me to join his Cabinet. He asked me to stall my political career with the agreement that he would help me when... TOBY Apparently you don't want his help, you're too busy helping yourself. FISHER If this announcement makes page A17 of the metro section, I'd be surprised. TOBY There's one name on the ballot this November, Bill. Not yours, not mine. Not the Governor of New Jersey. And believe me no one will work harder than Jed Bartlet to put you there. But this President looses re-election and your career's finished, and so is mine. FISHER What's your point? TOBY [sighs] Next time you announce new policy that isn't cleared by this office we're announcing you're moving back to New Jersey. FISHER What about the loans? TOBY C.J. will announce them tomorrow from the podium. FISHER Oh, come on Toby, at least let me do it with the President. TOBY This is too small for the President. I've got to go back to a meeting. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT The President and Charlie are leaning over Charlie's computer. BARTLET Yup. It was the rebate. CHARLIE It wasn't a rebate. It was an advance. BARTLET You say potato. CHARLIE I do say potato, and so does everybody else I know. BARTLET We wanted to inject some money into retail and tourism. CHARLIE Why not wait until people were supposed to have the money? BARTLET The economy might have improved on its own by then. CHARLIE In which case the whole thing would have been pointless in the first place. BARTLET Yeah. CHARLIE Economists just make it up as they go along, don't they? BARLTET Yeah. CHARLIE Did it work? BARTLET Not that much. Most people did what you did. They saved or they paid down debt. CHARLIE We don't want people save or reduce their personal debt? BARTLET We do, but when the next guy's President. CHARLIE You win. BARTLET I always do. CHARLIE Yes sir. He shows Bartlet his check. Then puts it in an envelope. BARTLET I'll tell you what I find interesting though. CHARLIE What's that sir? BARTLET You. $35,000 a year, a sister to support, and you gave $1,435 to charity. I'm not so sure that check isn't better off in your hands than ours. Oh, I'm taking it. Don't be ridiculous. But when you get to your place tonight you're going to find a new DVD player and that wimp-ass Bond movie. CHARLIE Mr. President... BARTLET And I threw in Yeoman of the Guard on CD. CHARLIE [smiling] That was an incredibly nice gesture. BARTLET I'm really something. Leo and the Vice President enter. LEO Mr. President. BARTLET Hey, John. LEO Can we have a minute please, sir? BARTLET Yeah. Charlie, let's get that woman on the phone. I'm feeling magical tonight. Bartlet, Leo and Hoynes walk in THE OVAL OFFICE. BARTLET They're in the tunnel now and the readings don't show anything beyond the predictable level of background radiation. The flatbed is back on its way and the Carlsbad is behind gates so we dodged the bullet. LEO Yeah. BARTLET We packed this stuff in 2 inches of stainless steel, 4 inches of lead. We've rammed it with trains and dropped it from helicopters and it still isn't going to protect us from the thing we haven't thought of. They took a cask out to Aberdeen Proving Ground and shot a TOW missile clean through it. They showed me video. What can I do for you? LEO Sir, there's something very important we need to talk to you about. BARTLET What? LEO Well, it's delicate and surprising, and I want to make sure your first reaction is measured so I'd like us to... HOYNES I'm a recovering alcoholic. BARTLET Really? HOYNES Yes, sir. BARTLET Is there anybody left who's not? LEO Sir. BARTLET How long? HOYNES I'm sorry? BARTLET For how long have you been in recovery? HOYNES My last drink... it was the year I was 22. BARTLET Did you say 22? HOYNES Yes, sir. BARTLET You haven't had a drink since you were 22? HOYNES That's right. BARTLET I didn't start drinking till I was 25. What the hell do you guys count as... HOYNES Yeah, I know, but there's a history in my family and I had a few experiences in college. I liked beer, a lot so I started going to meetings and I'm pretty sure if I stopped... BARTLET Twenty-two? HOYNES Yes sir. BARTLET You and James Bond ought to team up. HOYNES I don't... LEO Don't worry about it. BARTLET He's ordering a watered down martini, and Leo what the hell is this meeting that's going on all night across the hall? LEO We can talk about it later. HOYNES It's a meeting about having me replaced on the ticket. I know how to count to 270. LEO John, I assure you, I assure you, that if it were a serious notion we would... HOYNES Texas is gone, so is Florida. LEO We're not doing it. HOYNES You should think about it. BARTLET Hey, did I hear right? Are you taking your name off that bill? HOYNES [forcefully] Nobody benefits from the Internet right now more than the rural poor. BARTLET You're taking your name off. We can't campaign on it. HOYNES Yes sir. BARTLET And if somebody's attacking us, you know what to do. HOYNES I call Leo. BARTLET [goes to his desk and begins to write something] Yeah, but don't discount the possibility that it might be Leo. HOYNES Yes, sir. BARTLET John, despite this recent revelation that you drank beer in college I've always liked you a little more than you thought I did, but that's not why you're staying. It's this. [hands Hoynes a piece of paper] Four words. Hoynes reads the paper, looks at the President and hands the paper to Leo. HOYNES I've always liked you more than you thought I did too, Mr. President. BARTLET Just a little, right? HOYNES Yes, sir. BARTLET Me, too. Anything else? LEO Thank you, Mr. President. HOYNES Thank you, sir. Leo and Hoynes head into Leo's office. BARTLET Charlie! CHARLIE [enters] Yes, sir. BARTLET Let's go. I'm a magic man. Charlie leaves and returns with Donna. BARTLET [with Italian accent] Donnatella. DONNA Good evening, Mr. President. BARTLET Tell Josh that General Pulaski was a Polish Brigadier General who vanquished the Russian and Prussian military then came to the colonies and commanded our cavalry during the American revolution. DONNA [turning to leave] I will, sir. BARTLET It says here in a briefing paper hastily written by Deputy Josh Lyman that in the '60s when the Madison Superintendent of Schools banned Twelfth Night for reasons passing understanding, a Mrs. Molly Morello had students over to her house on Saturdays to read it. DONNA I didn't know that sir. Josh wrote you a memo on Molly Morello? BARTLET Yeah 'cause all I had tonight was a nuclear spill in Idaho. It says she came in two hours early to teach an AP English class she developed herself because the school didn't offer one. DONNA I was in that class. BARTLET Sounds like she deserves a proclamation. I wish I could give her one, but I can't. DONNA I totally understand. BARTLET It's just too much inside baseball, you know? DONNA You're very nice to even talk to me about it. BARTLET Charlie, I've been tapping my finger on the desk for about a minute now. CHARLIE Sir? BARTLET The magic man thing works a lot better when you pick up on the signals, Tonto. What's that you say? There's a phone call for Donna? Donna looks shocked as Bartlet hits the speakerphone. BARTLET Good evening, this is the White House, for whom are you holding? MRS. MORELLO [on the phone] I'm holding for Donna Moss. This is Mrs. Morello. DONNA [whispering] Oh my God. MRS. MORELLO Donna? DONNA Mrs. Morello, it's me. MRS. MORELLO Is everything all right? DONNA Everything's fine. MRS. MORELLO I hadn't heard from you in such a long time so I thought... DONNA No everything's fine. Sally Seidelman told me you were retiring. MRS. MORELLO At the end of this year. DONNA Well, I... I just wanted to say. I don't know, I just... I just wanted to say... I don't know. MRS. MORELLO Are--Are you sure everything's all right? BARTLET [whispering] Tell her where you are. DONNA Mrs. Morello, I'm in the Oval Office with the President of the United States and it's because of you. [silence] Mrs. Morello? MRS. MORELLO What a thing to say. Well, we're all very proud of you, Donna. BARTLET [grouchily] She didn't do anything. MRS. MORELLO Was that...? BARTLET It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello. I've got a few questions. When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation? MRS. MORELLO We used a translation, Mr. President. BARTLET Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version. MRS. MORELLO Yes, sir. BARTLET What are you planning on doing with your retirement? MRS. MORELLO My husband and I are going to travel a little. BARTLET I'd stay away from the Elk Horn area of Idaho for a little while. You'll read why in the morning. Let's talk about Twelfth Night. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT C.J. Twenty-two? HOYNES Yup. C.J. You haven't' had a drink since you were 22? HOYNES That's right. C.J. Ulysses S. Grant would have slapped your face. HOYNES He did once. JOSH Listen, it's fine that this is funny and Mr. Vice President I couldn't care less, but what about the campaign? LEO What about it? JOSH The President just got passed an honesty issue. TOBY He's not passed it. JOSH If it becomes public... C.J. That's a big assumption. TOBY No it's not. LEO I think that issue is probably worth further discussion but we're done talking about the ticket. The President's made it very clear that he wants the Vice President to remain the Vice President and he wrote down his one and only reason. He pulls out the paper and hands it to Josh. JOSH "Because I could die." Well, of course he's right, sir. HOYNES It doesn't solve the problem of the electoral math. I don't know what the field's going to look like after Labor Day. The Etch-A-Sketch will be shaken up a little, but right now the math's tough. And I know right now you all think he's a punch line and I know why, but I disagree. They're sure running the right guy against us. SAM Am I really the only one who thinks a giant sumo wrestler in a hockey goal might get the job done? JOSH I don't know. I'm open to new ideas. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 3.17 -- 'Stirred' Original Airdate: April 3, 2002, 9:00 PM EST Transcript by: Giorgio & Corrine May 1, 2002