Many issues are in play during a White House party to celebrate the argumentative First Lady’s (Stockard Channing) birthday as she contemplates the likely loss of her medical license the next day while the President (Martin Sheen) is visited by proper British Ambassador Marbury (Roger Rees) who argues against Bartlet’s meeting with a murderous Irish terrorist. In other rooms, Sam (Rob Lowe) meets with a Senator (Robin Thomas) who is blocking funding a controversial superconductor that would cost billions; Donna (Janel Moloney) discovers that she’s really Canadian — and techically not an American; Abbey, C.J. (Allison Janney) and several of the women mischievously steal away in a closet to drink, dish and diss.
THE WEST WING "DEAD IRISH WRITERS" WRITTEN BY: AARON SORKIN DIRECTED BY: ALEX GRAVES TEASER FADE IN: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jed Bartlet is sitting on a chair doing a crossword puzzle. He is formally dressed, black-tie, but his jacket is hanging on the back of his seat. Abbey is dressed formally as well, in a beautiful olive green ball gown, but she is still in the middle of preparation, and Bartlet is getting impatient. Abbey walks to him. ABBEY Do you like these earrings? BARTLET [without looking] I do. ABBEY You want to look at them first? BARTLET [still not looking] Are they new? ABBEY No. BARTLET [still not looking] You've worn them? ABBEY Yeah. BARTLET [still into his puzzle] I love them. "Laissez-faire doctrine." 15 letters. ABBEY [walking away] Social Darwinism. BARTLET No, that's not the answer. See, 'cause Social Darwinism isn't a doctrine. It's a force of nature. The answer is "libertarianism." [scribbles down his answer] ABBEY I'm gonna be ready in two minutes. BARTLET Take your time. ABBEY Passive-aggression is not gonna get me out the door any faster. BARTLET Boo boo, I gave up on getting you out the door in the late 70's. Plus, it's your birthday. You're old, and you don't move around that fast. ABBEY Libertarianism has 14 letters not 15. BARTLET I know, so I'm shading in the extra box. [scribbles on the puzzle] ABBEY And it's not my birthday. BARTLET It's your birthday week. It's a week of festivities like Mardi Gras or Lent. Three letters. "It may be bitter." "Tea," right? ABBEY "It may be bitter?" BARTLET Yeah. ABBEY Why "tea"? BARTLET 'Cause "woman" doesn't fit. ABBEY "End," you idiot. "Bitter end." BARTLET Hey, when the Medical Board gives you the results of the hearing, do they slap it up on one of those X-ray light boards? "Here's where the problem is with your testimony, Abbey. Here and here." ABBEY That! That's funny? The other 23 jokes weren't funny. Well, it's not that they weren't funny. It's just they weren't ha ha funny, you know, but 12 years of medical school, my life, my work, my future, everything, up on the X-ray board? That's comedy! BARTLET See, I know it sounds like you're praising me, but... ABBEY Oh, shut up. BARTLET [pause] It's not your life or 12 years of anything or anything. They're gonna give you the very least they can give you. ABBEY They can't give me the very least they can give me. The least they can give me is a letter of concern, which is private and unpublished, but that isn't available to me because I fought the case and stood by my convictions. BARTLET Well, that was stupid. ABBEY Do your crossword puzzle. [sits on the bed] BARTLET Standing by your convictions isn't gonna get you anywhere. This isn't some guy off the street talking. I'm a very successful politician. ABBEY How many people are at this party? BARTLET About 200, but that was five or six hours ago when it started. ABBEY Once more with the passive-aggressive. BARTLET "Body organ, produces hydrochloric acid." That's the kidney, right? Or the lima bean? ABBEY Pancreas. BARTLET See, they can't take medical school away from you. ABBEY Jed? BARTLET Abbey, come here. She does. Bartlet stands and puts his jacket on. BARTLET I know you're scared. I'm very confident. So you be whatever you want. Whatever happens happens tomorrow. Tonight is your birthday party, and your earrings are great, so are your shoes. So can we, for the love of God, get out of this room?! ABBEY Good to get that off your chest? BARTLET Yeah. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT Jed and Abbey are now walking along a large, red-carpeted hallway. Off to the sides are agents in detail, standing guard. Heading for the birthday party, Bartlet names several menu items for the celebration. BARTLET Pheasant and morel consomme, miniature ravioli of fois gras and smoked goose confit, a little Canary melon sorbet as a palate cleanser, all served on the finest Lenox china. ABBEY Ah. You planned this all yourself? BARTLET A '97 Willamette Valley Pinot Noir. A '94 Hog Cellars Zinfandel. ABBEY You really planned this all yourself? BARTLET I'm like Gatsby, but without the problems. ABBEY Listen, we're gonna keep this relaxed, right? I-I'm not sure I'm up for a lot of First Lady fanfare tonight. BARTLET Hmm. ABBEY What? BARTLET I kind of wished you'd mentioned that before. ABBEY Why? Suddenly, the doors to the RECEPTION HALL fly open, and the band plays loud trumpet fanfare. Someone announces the arrival. HERALD Ladies and gentlemen, Abbey Bartlet! BARTLET [quietly to Abbey] It's gonna be relaxed. It's gonna be relaxed. Hundreds of guests applause and cheer for the Bartlets when they enter. BARTLET [to Abbey] For dessert, we're having Kumquat Napoleons. ABBEY Shut up. BARTLET Okay. Jed and Abbey smile for the cameras and start to mingle with the guests. CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION HALL - LATER The music has changed. Josh and Amy approach Bartlet and Abbey. JOSH Happy birthday, Mrs. B. ABBEY Oh, thank you, Josh. [gives a friendly kiss to Josh then to Amy] Amy, a friend. AMY Happy birthday. You look beautiful. BARTLET Amy. ABBEY You know, I'm responsible for the two of you. I haven't gotten credit for that yet. JOSH The jury's still out. AMY Yeah. We'll see. ABBEY I hope Donna's coming. BARTLET Donna was invited. All the women of the west wing. We're doing a calendar. JOSH I'm not sure what's keeping her. MARBURY [approaching] Abigail! BARTLET Now, it's a party! ABBEY Oh, yes, Your Lordship! [laughs] MARBURY Your breasts are magnificent. BARTLET All right. ABBEY Oh, um, thank you, John. MARBURY May I inquire, Mr. President, the first thing that attracted you to Abigail, was it her magnificent breasts? ABBEY It was. BARTLET You know, John, there are places in the world where it might be considered rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife. MARBURY My God! Really? ABBEY Yeah. MARBURY [takes two glasses of wine from a waiter and gives one to Abbey] Abbey, I bring you warm wishes from Her Royal Majesty. BARTLET That was nice of her. [reaches for the other glass but pulls back when Marbury takes it for himself] MARBURY Would that I could deliver the same wishes for you, Mr. President. BARTLET What did I do? MARBURY Brendan McGann cannot visit the White House. BARTLET Look, obviously, we knew this was gonna be a thing, but it doesn't have to be tonight, right? MARBURY No, absolutely not. I shall take it up with Gerald. ABBEY Who's Gerald? BARTLET I'm pretty sure he means Leo. MARBURY [drinks] Hmm. Oh, do you have a new chief of staff? BARTLET No. MARBURY Well, then Gerald, it is. Abbey, enjoy your birthday gala. [growls] I shall await a dance. ABBEY I won't make you wait long, Your Lordship. MARBURY Excellent. [walks off] BARTLET [to Abbey] So! So far so good. CUT TO: INT. THE WEST WING - NIGHT C.J. walks down the hallway and enters the room just outside Leo's office, by Margaret's desk, where Leo and Margaret are busy working. C.J. Leo? LEO Yeah. Do me a favor, would you? Check out a rumor that a Robert Nolan, who's the chairman of the New Hampshire State Medical Board is gonna recuse himself from Abbey's hearing. C.J. N-O-L-A-N? LEO Yeah. C.J. And what's the source? They walk inside LEO'S OFFICE. LEO I don't know the original source, but it's coming from the Manchester Union Leader, and you got to change taxicabs a couple of times because I don't want the paper knowing we're asking questions. C.J. That's no problem. What's going on? LEO Well, let's confirm the story first. If it's true, bring it to the President. C.J. Okay, and one of us... well, you... need to talk to Abbey tonight about tomorrow. LEO Happy birthday, Abbey. C.J. I'll get this other thing. She leaves just as Margaret enters. Sam is on his way inside too. C.J. Hey. SAM Hey. Jack Enlow? C.J. No, it's C.J. Cregg. We've met. SAM And laughed and laughed. Is Jack Enlow at the party yet? C.J. I'm not at the party yet. SAM Fair point. C.J. Look, if you're planning on starting a rumble with Enlow, can I send the press home? SAM I'm not an instigator. C.J. Yes, you are. SAM Yeah, but I'm on the side of the angels. C.J. I can say this about you. You can wear a tuxedo. SAM I know. C.J. I know you know. When C.J. walks off, Sam goes inside the office. A phone rings somewhere. SAM Good evening. LEO Why is Dalton Millgate coming here? SAM How did you know he was coming here? LEO How do you think? SAM Because you know everything. LEO Yes. SAM I had him for a semester at school. He and his people are having trouble getting funding for a superconductor, and I told him I'd use this opportunity to put him up with Jack Enlow. LEO You're gonna get into a fight with Jack Enlow? SAM Why does everybody think...? Never mind. I'm just doing him a favor. LEO Okay. SAM How you feeling about the First Lady? LEO I was feeling good, and now I'm not. SAM Why? LEO We're checking out, but I think the swing vote's gonna recuse himself. He's a friend of the family. SAM That means the President's gonna want to call him. LEO Maybe. SAM Yeah, he can't. LEO What? SAM He can't call him. It could send us into a whole new thing. LEO You ever mix politics and the President's family and get a good result? SAM No. LEO Me neither, and I've been a this a lot longer. SAM Okay. Seriously, he can't pick up the phone. LEO Isn't it called a Supercollider? SAM Is it? LEO You called it a Superconductor. SAM Whatever. LEO Keep blood off your shirt. SAM I'm not an instigator. [exits] CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - NIGHT As Josh comes from down the hall, he sees Donna. She has a beautiful red dress on, but instead of enjoying herself at the party, she's in the bullpen working, putting different files on different places. Josh follows her. JOSH Donna. DONNA Hello. JOSH What are you doing here? DONNA Are you having a good time? JOSH The party's started. DONNA Is the champagne flowing as smoothly as the badinage? Are there elegant men and beautiful gowns? JOSH The men are in tuxes. DONNA 'And beautiful gowns,' I said. Not 'in beautiful gowns.' JOSH What are you doing here? DONNA There's a problem when the Secret Service did its routine background check on the guest list. JOSH A problem with what? DONNA With me. JOSH Donna, you work in the White House. You fly with the President. What's the problem? DONNA I do not know. JOSH Come with me. Come to the party. DONNA I don't think I should do that. JOSH Why? DONNA Well, they'll shoot me. JOSH They didn't tell you what the problem was? DONNA They said they'll get back to me. JOSH You want me to get into it? DONNA That would be very nice. JOSH Yeah. You look good. DONNA Thanks. A MOVING SHOT to the NORTHWEST LOBBY. From the other end of the hall, Sam approaches DR. DALTON MILLGATE, who has been waiting for him. SAM Dr. Millgate? DR. DALTON MILLGATE Sam. SAM It's been a long time. MILLGATE Yes. SAM And now the student becomes the teacher, huh? MILLGATE Not really. No. They start to walk. SAM Okay. So did I disappoint you when I didn't go into physics? MILLGATE No. SAM Why? MILLGATE You were bad at it. SAM No, I wasn't. MILLGATE Yeah. SAM I just needed a little encouragement. MILLGATE No. SAM Look, Congress isn't gonna fund your damn Superconductor, all right? They reach SAM'S OFFICE. MILLGATE Supercollider. Superconducting Supercollider. This is exactly what I'm talking about. A 54-mile tunnel, 150 feet below ground in which protons and antiprotons would be flung into each other at the speed of light. Can you remember that? SAM Yes. MILLGATE Good 'cause when you talk about it, you should sound like an idiot. SAM Okay. MILLGATE There's no lobby for this, Sam. There's no presence in Washington. It's just me on the Amtrak coming to see you. That's how seriously the government takes it. SAM Well, there was a time... MILLGATE I know. SAM Congress spent two billion. MILLGATE Yeah, but all they did was clear the land and build the lab. We need the thing. Now, is he there? SAM The senator? MILLGATE Yeah. SAM Yeah. MILLGATE 'Cause you said he'd be there. You said he'd be at the party. SAM He's there. MILLGATE Go talk to him. [sits] SAM Okay. I said I'd do this, but it's likely he's gonna say this is an unaffordable luxury. MILLGATE We're losing the race for discovery, Sam. For discovery. Tonight, it's just me and you. SAM That doesn't really sound like enough. MILLGATE No. SAM What hotel are you staying in? MILLGATE I'm not staying in a hotel. SAM Where can I call you? MILLGATE I'm gonna be right here. SAM It's not like a drive-up window, Dr. Millgate. MILLGATE You're wasting time. SAM Okay. [exits] CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION HALL - NIGHT Back at the party, lush, romantic music plays. Abbey is taking pictures with several guests. Nearby, Bartlet stands watch, with a drink in his hand. BARTLET [calls] Charlie! CHARLIE [walks up] Yes, sir. BARTLET I'm gonna need you later. CHARLIE Sure. BARTLET I want to work on my toast. CHARLIE Don't you want Sam or Toby? BARTLET I don't need help writing it. I can write a damn toast. I just want to say it out loud to somebody. Any warm body is fine. CHARLIE Thank you, sir. BARTLET So when I give you the signal, we'll go off someplace. CHARLIE What's the signal? BARTLET It'll be something like "Charlie, we're gonna go work on the toast now." CHARLIE Yes, sir. [leaves] LEO [walks up] Excuse me. BARTLET You finally got here. LEO Yeah. BARTLET I think Abbey's gonna pull a hamstring about tomorrow. LEO You mind if I talk to her a little bit? BARTLET About what? LEO You know, what she should be saying tomorrow. BARTLET I'm feeling all right about it. LEO Well, just in case. BARTLET [turns to look at Abbey] I don't know. She's pretty pissed. LEO Yeah, but at you, right? BARTLET Yeah. LEO Yeah. So? BARTLET All right. LEO Did she like the fanfare? BARTLET Loved it. LEO Okay. When Leo walks off, Bartlet takes another sip of his drink. He turns to look at Abbey again, who is still taking pictures with guests, just as the music ends. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. RECEPTION HALL - NIGHT A new, romantic dance music plays. Somewhere in the party, near the dancing couples and conversing guests, CHUCK KANE walks up to Josh and Amy. CHUCK KANE Josh. JOSH Chuck! CHUCK Good to see you. JOSH I didn't know you were friends with the First Lady. CHUCK My wife. JOSH Oh, sure, yeah. You know Amy Gardner? CHUCK Just by reputation. AMY Uh-oh. CHUCK I thought you were great on Crossfire yesterday. AMY I don't think I was on Crossfire yesterday. CHUCK I meant Josh. JOSH Actually, you meant Sam. CHUCK I heard it was you. JOSH No, but as long as you heard I was great. CHUCK Listen, uh, you still got my number right? About the thing? JOSH Yeah. CHUCK Nice meeting you. JOSH Good seeing you, Chuck. After they watch Chuck go, Amy turns to Josh. AMY About the thing? You guys pulling a heist? JOSH No. AMY Come on. Let me in on the action. I can be a dame. I won't blow the whistle, get you cheesed. JOSH No, Mugsy. Chuck Kane heads Intergovernmental Affairs at Treasury, and he wants a job on the campaign as Deputy Political Director. AMY Is he gonna get it? JOSH I don't think so. AMY Who else are you considering? JOSH Mark Rothman and Robbie Gill. AMY Hmm. JOSH What? AMY I was just thinking Mark and Robbie are funny names for women. JOSH They're men. AMY I know. JOSH They happen to be men. [pulls Amy to the dance floor for a dance] They happen to be men. AMY You're not hiring enough women in senior positions for the campaign. JOSH How do you know? AMY It's my job to know. JOSH We're in a dangerous area right now. AMY If women were the only voters, the Democrats would win in a landslide every time. If men were the only voters, the GOP would be the left-wing party. Women are gonna be 60% of the vote. Don't you think they should make up, I don't know, 40% of the campaign staff? JOSH Let me tell you why this is a dangerous area. Because I can't make decisions based on the fact that I like your smooth skin. AMY [pause] You're right. JOSH Don't try and trick me. AMY No, you're really right. This should be off limits to us. JOSH Yes. AMY I apologize. JOSH You're trying to trick me. AMY No. JOSH I'm gonna be scared for the rest of the night. AMY Hey, what happened to Donna? JOSH Donna. Yes. Excuse me. Josh walks away. Leo meets him. They walk. LEO Josh. JOSH Yeah. LEO Where's the President? JOSH He went off with Charlie to work on his toast. LEO All right. I'm gonna need a few minutes of uninterrupted time... MARBURY [OS] Gerald! LEO [annoyed] Yeah. Josh and Leo turn to meet Lord Marbury, smiling. MARBURY Gerald, old sock. JOSH I got to go. [walks off] LEO Yeah. MARBURY Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House. LEO How are you, John? MARBURY I'm well, thank you very much, but Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House. LEO Hang on. [calls] Toby! Ahead of them, Toby stands and turns. LEO [to Marbury] You know Toby Ziegler? MARBURY Yeah. We've met on occasion. LEO Toby, come here. [He does.] Lord John Marbury. MARBURY Yes. TOBY [clears throat] Good evening, Your, uh, Lordship. MARBURY Uh, well, good evening, yes. LEO [to Marbury] Talk to him about McGann. [walks off] TOBY You have objections to him coming to the White House? MARBURY My objections are irrelevant. I convey the objections of Her Majesty's Government. TOBY Which are? MARBURY He's a terrorist. TOBY Well, let's hang on a second. Sinn Fein is a political party. In fact, the oldest in Ireland. MARBURY And the political wing of the IRA... TOBY Sir... MARBURY A terrorist cell. TOBY I wouldn't... MARBURY You are honoring a man at your St. Patrick's Day dinner allied with car bombers and murderers of British soldiers. This not to mention Irish men, women and children. TOBY Yes, sir. MARBURY And you're doing it to appease Democrats from New York City and Boston. TOBY He's not being honored. He's just been given an invitation. MARBURY He shouldn't be given a visa. TOBY And I think we have to be careful how we use the word "terrorist." [pause] Can I call you John? MARBURY I am John, Lord Marbury, Earl of Croy, Marquess of Needham and Dolby, Baronet of Brycey, England's Ambassador to the United States, and a terrorist is a terrorist even if he wears a green necktie and sings "Danny Boy." Yes, you can call me John. TOBY [smiles a little] You feel like a drink? MARBURY Yeah, I was looking for some Lagavulin. It's a 16 year old islay single malt. TOBY I know Lagavulin. MARBURY They usually have it here. TOBY Let's go down the street. The guy keeps a bottle there. MARBURY Oh. Lead on. Toby and Lord Marbury step off. They pass by Sam, who is walking the other way. Ahead, Sam spots Senator JACK ENLOW. He catches up with him. SAM Excuse me, Senator. JACK ENLOW [turns] Yes. They meet, shake hands and walk. SAM Sam Seaborn. ENLOW Sure. SAM I was wondering if you had a moment. ENLOW Actually, I promised my wife a dance. SAM This will just take a moment. Believe it or not, I have an eminent physicist in my office. Dr. Millgate. You heard of him? ENLOW [stops and turns] Yes. SAM He was asking me about the Supercollider, and I didn't have any answers, and... ENLOW It's dead. SAM It is? ENLOW As a Greek poet. SAM Well, I'm sure there's some poets alive in Greece someplace. Can you tell me how it died? ENLOW I don't know. SAM Forgive me, sir. You're ranking member of the authorizing subcommittee. How can you not know? ENLOW It was put on anonymous hold. SAM That only applies to nominations. ENLOW Apparently, you're wrong. SAM Senator... ENLOW Anyone can hold any bill for any reason. SAM I don't understand. You file an objection. How long does it last? ENLOW Until the senator loses or dies. All you have to do is tell your party's floor leader. SAM That's insane. ENLOW Says you. SAM Senator, this isn't a duck hunter with a gripe in my office. It's Dalton Millgate. Now who's blocking the damn Supercollider. ENLOW To guess would compromise the spirit of the anonymous hold. SAM To tell me would compromise the spirit of autocratic obstructionism. ENLOW We're talking about the U.S. Senate, kid. We're the saucer that cools the coffee. SAM And the drain that swallows it, sir. ENLOW Check around. I'm on record in favor of it. SAM Thank God the hold's anonymous. [pause, realizes] It's you. ENLOW Sam, you really care about the Superconducting Supercollider? SAM I didn't before. It's a long night, and we're not done yet. Go dance with your wife. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT Donna, still with her dress on, is playing solitaire on Josh's desk. Josh walks in. JOSH Hi. DONNA They covered the arrivals on the news. Everyone looked so nice. And happy. JOSH I brought you some food. DONNA What's going on? JOSH Well, I-I don't have all the answers, but it's pretty weird, so far. DONNA What? JOSH Secret Service says there's an INS notation next to your name. DONNA What kind of notation? JOSH U.S. Citizen: N. DONNA They're saying I'm not a U.S. citizen? JOSH No, it... Yes. DONNA I-I don't understand. JOSH T-They're saying... DONNA I'm a U.S. citizen. I was born in Minnesota. We moved to Wisconsin. Now, I live in Washington. What the hell happened? JOSH A mistake of some kind. DONNA You think? JOSH We're sorting it out. DONNA I voted in every election since I... I paid, by the way, taxes as a citizen of this country. I have a birth certificate and a passport. JOSH It'll just take a few more minutes. DONNA You brought food? JOSH Olives. [fishes his pockets] DONNA Go away. JOSH All right. DONNA Give me the olives. JOSH Okay. Josh gives her the olives, all wrapped in napkins. Before he leaves, Donna begins unwrapping them. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Leo leads Abbey inside and closes the door. ABBEY I'd kind of like to wait until we know something for sure before we start planning. LEO Yeah. The thing is though, the first day's important. What I like to do, for instance, is schedule a public event, show we're not scared. They both sit. ABBEY [clears throat] What about a comment? LEO You'll make a comment, but body language is gonna be just as important. Can't hang your head. You got to smile, but you look smug... ABBEY Yeah. LEO You got to... ABBEY Yeah. Yeah. LEO And there can't be... Obviously, there can't be no reaction. ABBEY What about the campaign? LEO [pause] I'm not gonna tell a man's wife she can't campaign. ABBEY I don't know what that means. LEO I think we can get a lot of use out of you in targeted Democratic areas. Big cities, evening fundraisers. We'll keep you out of the South. ABBEY [pause] Can we talk about this tomorrow? LEO We just need to... ABBEY How about tomorrow? LEO It's important. ABBEY A lot of things are important. LEO Of course. Abbey gets up and starts to leave. LEO I'm sorry. Enjoy the party. ABBEY Thanks you. She smiles at him before leaving. CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE THE RECEPTION HALL - NIGHT The two Agents open the door for Bartlet and Charlie as they step outside, talking. They are working on the toast. BARTLET "I've known my wife, Abbey, for nearly 150 years." No, I'm not gonna do that. She's not gonna think that's funny. CHARLIE Yeah. BARTLET Okay. I should... Yeah. Okay. "Thank you all for being here tonight." By the way, do you know where the term "toast" comes from? CHARLIE Can I say something, sir? BARTLET Yeah. CHARLIE I'd stick to Mrs. Bartlet and not get into entomology so much. BARTLET I was talking to you. CHARLIE Ah. BARTLET The Stuarts. They put a piece of toast in your wine cup to improve the flavor. CHARLIE Interesting. BARTLET 1643. Members of the Middle Temple toasted Princess Elizabeth by pledging to die in her service. CHARLIE Hey, that could be the button. C.J. [walks up] Excuse me, Mr. President. BARTLET C.J., I haven't seen you all night. C.J. I haven't been able to make it out there yet, sir. I've been tracking something down. BARTLET Charlie. CHARLIE Yes, sir. [walks back to the party] BARTLET [to C.J.] What is it? C.J. A piece on the Manchester Union-Leader. [reads from a note] "Sources close to Robert Nolan, president of the New Hampshire Medical Board, predict that he will announce his recusal from the case because of his personal..." BARTLET No. Damn it. C.J. "...relationship with the Bartlets." What does this mean for her? BARTLET We're pretty sure the Board was evenly divided, and Nolan was the deciding vote, which dictated a lot of her... Damn it! C.J. There was a personal relationship. BARTLET Yeah, they worked together for 20 years, and I was the governor who appointed him to the Board. LEO [walks up] Excuse me, sir. BARTLET C.J., you should probably tell Abbey. C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET Thanks. C.J. Thank you, Mr. President. [leaves] BARTLET The Union-Leader says Nolan's gonna recuse himself. Bartlet and Leo walk. LEO What's gonna happen? BARTLET They're gonna suspend her license for a year. LEO We just talked for a little bit. BARTLET And? LEO I don't think you need to be concerned about her leaving you for me. BARTLET I was pretty concerned about that. LEO She's definitely leaving you for somebody, so don't be so... BARTLET Can you leave me alone? I'm trying to be a husband, and your mojo's getting all over me. LEO [pause] Marbury's sitting with Toby. BARTLET This is Brendan McGann, right? LEO Yeah. BARTLET Yeah. I don't know what to say about that. LEO [pause] I'll see you inside. BARTLET Yeah. LEO Thank you, Mr. President. Leo heads back to the party. Bartlet stays still, in deep thought. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. RECEPTION HALL - NIGHT In big, cursive, icing letters, "Happy birthday Abbey" is spelled on the birthday cake. Nearby, the First Lady approaches Josh. Upbeat music is being played by the band. ABBEY Josh. JOSH Good evening, ma'am. ABBEY Listen, I'm sorry to do this at a party, but this is a list of names I'd like you to consider for Deputy Political Director. [hands him a piece of paper] JOSH Uh... we got it down to a few finals. ABBEY Yeah. I'd like you to add these names. JOSH I can't help noticing these are all women. ABBEY Women are 60% of our vote, Josh. Don't you think they should make up at least 40% of our campaign staff? JOSH I'm sorry? C.J. [walks up] Mrs. Bartlet? ABBEY [to Josh] I said women are 60% of our vote. Don't you think...? JOSH Yeah. ABBEY You'll get on it? JOSH Yes, ma'am. ABBEY Having a good time? JOSH You bet. [walks off] ABBEY [to C.J.] You look beautiful. C.J. Thank you, ma'am, and so do you. WOMAN [OS] Happy birthday, Mrs. Bartlet. Abbey waves and smiles to the woman. C.J. I need to speak with you for a second. ABBEY Oh, this can't be good. C.J. No, I'm afraid not. Abbey, the Union-Leader's got sources saying Dr. Nolan's gonna recuse himself from the case. Abbey is hit hard, but still tries to maintain composure. With a smile, she speaks. ABBEY Claudia Jean? C.J. Yes, ma'am? ABBEY Let's get drunk. C.J. [surprised] Oh, okay. Abbey walks off. C.J. follows. CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION HALL - CONTINUOUS After the conversation with the First Lady, Josh finds his culprit. He drops the list in front of her on the table. AMY Hey, it's a list of women. JOSH [sits] Yes, it is. AMY She got right on it. JOSH Yes, she did. AMY Do you love me? JOSH You went over my head, and you did it behind my back. AMY Quite the contortionist, am I. JOSH What kind of position is Abbey Bartlet in to know anything...? Josh stops as soon as he sees Abbey and C.J. approach. He stands. ABBEY Amy. AMY Yes, ma'am. ABBEY C.J. and I are gonna get drunk. Come on. AMY Yes, ma'am. Abbey grabs a wine bottle and walks away. Amy stands and starts to grab her own bottle and a glass. JOSH You're going? AMY The First Lady just asked me to get boozy with her. You don't think I want to write a book one day? JOSH Amy... [his pager beeps] AMY You're beeping. [walks off] C.J. has picked up her own bottle as well, along with a couple of glasses. She smiles at Josh before following Amy. CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - NIGHT Dr. Millgate is still waiting inside, smoking a cigar. Sam walks in. SAM All right. Listen. MILLGATE Yes? [stands] SAM Well, first of all, you're not allowed to smoke in the White House. MILLGATE You're kidding. SAM No. MILLGATE And the search for civilization continues. SAM Come outside. They go outside and walk and talk. The professor continues to puff smoke for the cigar. SAM I need you to tell me everything you can tell me about the Superconducting Supercollider. MILLGATE How much time do we have? SAM About ten minutes. MILLGATE If you pay close attention, stay very, very quiet, I can teach you how to spell it. Out the dooble doors, they reach the PORTICO and stop walking. SAM Listen. This is what I do. I get things fast. MILLGATE Since when? SAM What is it? MILLGATE It's a machine that reveals the origin of matter, and I'm assuming from the look on your face $1000 on the table, you couldn't tell me what matter is. SAM You know what? I had four years. There's a lot of knowledge out there. I may have missed some... things. MILLGATE By smashing protons together at very high speeds and at very high temperatures, we can recreate the Big Bang in a laboratory setting, creating the kinds of particles that only existed in the first trillionth of a second after the universe was created. SAM Okay, terrific. I understand that. What kind of practical applications does it have? MILLGATE None at all. SAM You're not in any way a helpful person. MILLGATE Don't have to be. I have tenure. SAM Doctor. MILLGATE There are no practical applications, Sam. Anybody who says different is lying. SAM I need to be able to show him I can paint him against something. Children, baseball, campaign finance. What does it mean to be against the Supercollider? MILLGATE I really don't know where to start. SAM Come on. MILLGATE I really don't. Listen, what's your motivation? SAM What are you talking about? You called me and asked me... MILLGATE Well, you did me the favor, but now you're still going. SAM [pause] I have a history with this particular senator. MILLGATE Oh, well, uh, that's a really stupid ass reason, Sam. SAM I like to win. MILLGATE So this guy ate your Fruit Loops...? SAM What do you care? MILLGATE I don't. SAM What's your motivation? MILLGATE I'm a particle physicist. SAM Not suddenly. Why now? MILLGATE The budget resolution has to be passed by April 15. That means the authorizing bill to Senate Appropriations has to go up mid-March. Now, you can shoehorn a road or a bridge at the last minute, but not $12 million for a Supercollider. Also... I have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Sam is immediately surprised. Millgate paces and puffs smoke from his cigar. CUT TO: INT. BAR - NIGHT Toby and Lord Marbury are seated by the counter. The bartender is pouring their drinks. TOBY I think there's something to be said for giving McGann credibility by inviting him to the White House. It strengthens his hand in-in dealing with the more violent members of the party. MARBURY Degrees of violent. TOBY We also think if we legitimize him, the Protestants will wake up and accept they've got to negotiate with somebody. MARBURY Toby, you were the author, were you not, of the President's speech at the General Assembly? TOBY There were many authors. MARBURY Of which you were one. Two days ago, the IRA formally backed out of its promise to put its weapons beyond use... TOBY I-- MARBURY ...as agreed to in the Good Friday Peace Accord. True/False: Until it disarms the IRA and its political representatives in Sinn Fein are a terrorist group. TOBY True. MARBURY When did it become policy of the United States to negotiate with terrorists? TOBY We've had Arafat here, John. MARBURY And, my heaven, isn't that paying bloody dividends. TOBY It wasn't worth trying? MARBURY You're making the mistake of youth. TOBY The President's not a kid. MARBURY Your country is. You're involving yourself in a centuries-old conflict without sufficient regard for history. Listen to the warning of old friends. It was Kipling who warned to expect "the blame of those ye better, and the hate of those ye guard." TOBY And wasn't it James Joyce who said, "History is a nightmare from which I'm trying to awake." MARBURY Yes, but it was your own great Irish master, Eugene O'Neill who said, "There is no present or future, only the past happening over and over again -- now." TOBY You're saying we should butt out of Ireland until we know what we're doing? MARBURY I'm saying Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House. TOBY [pause] Say, speaking of dead Irish writers... MARBURY Yes. Another drink. CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE/PRIVATE ROOM - NIGHT In a private room in the residence, Abbey, C.J. and Amy walk in with their bottles and glasses. The red room is elegantly decorated with paintings and fancy furniture. ABBEY Here we go. Awasiwi Odinak. Far from the things of man. When Jed first took me to his house, which was 25 miles from anywhere, he said, "Awasiwi Odinak. Far from the things of man." What a jackass. C.J. I'm gonna open the wine. ABBEY The wine... After gazing at the large painting on the wall, Amy tries to slowly open a drawer below the painting, making sure Abbey is not looking. ABBEY ...is a '95 Old Vine Zinfandel from Hog Cellars, which once belonged to King Baudouin of Belgium and is best sipped while making anagrams out of the phrase "My husband's an enourmous jackass." Abbey and C.J. sit. Abbey sees Amy taking a peek at the drawer. ABBEY Amy, what are you looking for? AMY Anything I can takes notes with. Amy joins them to sit. C.J. starts to open a wine bottle with a corkscrew. C.J. This is an excellent corkscrew. Just slides right in there like power steering. The right tool for the job. [tries to take the cork off, but couldn't] This corkscrew sucks. Should I call the steward? ABBEY No need to call the steward. I'm Board certified in thoracic surgery. And a good thing, too. [to Amy] Did Josh have a nutty on the campaign hiring? AMY He's, you know, he's adjusting. ABBEY Well, let him adjust faster. Jackass. DONNA [wanders in] Excuse me. ABBEY Oh, Donna. DONNA I'm sorry, ma'am. Josh was looking for Amy. ABBEY Well, she's right here. Where have you been all night? DONNA Well, it's a little tough to explain, ma'am. ABBEY Tougher to explain than secretly prescribing Betaseron? DONNA It turns out I'm not an American citizen, so Secret Service wanted me to talk to INS. C.J. What? DONNA I was born in Warroad, Minnesota, only I wasn't, 'cause INS just clarified the border, and it's now in Manitoba. C.J. You're not an American? DONNA Missed it by four miles. AMY You seem pretty calm about it. DONNA No, I'm very upset. I don't know the words to my national anthem. I've been throwing out Canadian pennies my whole life. I've been making fun of the Queen. We don't do that. ABBEY I'm sure it'll all work out. DONNA Thank you, ma'am. [turns to leave] ABBEY Where are you going? DONNA They've let me into the party now. ABBEY Why don't you stay and have some wine with us? DONNA Really? ABBEY Yeah. DONNA That's very nice of you. [sits] I probably shouldn't drink though. C.J. I wouldn't worry about it. AMY Canadian, huh? DONNA Yeah. AMY You feel funnier? DONNA No, but I am developing a massive inferiority complex. C.J. [struggling with the cork] Ah! ABBEY Did it come out? C.J. Next best thing. It's in the bottle. ABBEY We'll decant it. AMY Ah. Now it's a party. C.J. Yeah. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. RESIDENCE/PRIVATE ROOM - NIGHT Abbey, C.J., Amy and Donna are now on their second bottle of wine. They're all laughing. C.J. This is a good bottle of wine. [laughs] Ah. It's almost made me forget how much cork I swallowed from the first bottle of wine. [laughs] I don't understand. It was good corkscrew. Graphite... ABBEY C.J.? C.J. Stop talking about the corkscrew? ABBEY Yeah. AMY Mrs. Bartlet, I wanted to ask you a question, but I'm not sure how. ABBEY What? AMY Well, if the most they can give you is a year's suspension, is it...? ABBEY That big a deal? AMY Yes. ABBEY Yes. I'm a doctor. It's not like changing your major. You of all people should... I mean women talk about their husbands overshadowing their careers. Mine got eaten. C.J. Your husband got eaten? ABBEY My career. C.J. Yeah. Well, I'm on dangling modifier patrol. ABBEY What's your problem? C.J. Are you First Lady right now? ABBEY What are you talking about? C.J. Sometimes you like to talk, and I think that's great, but sometimes you're Abbey, and sometimes you're my boss, and I respect both very much, but... ABBEY I'm Abbey. C.J. Yes. I agree with her. [points to Amy] Look, they take this job away from me, I got nothing. I don't have a cat. I could get one, but I don't have one. Frankly, I'm not wild about cats. I don't hate them. I'm just not... I could learn to like them, I guess, if I... ABBEY C.J.? C.J. You've got a husband, children, a home and a life. And we're talking about one year of your not having a medical license. ABBEY Jed got censured, and that came with no tangible penalty, and it was a banner headline, and he's having a slow nervous breakdown. C.J. That's different. ABBEY Why? C.J. Because it is, and you know it. ABBEY Okay. I'm First Lady again. C.J. Okay. AMY You're First Lady Abbey? ABBEY Yes. AMY And it's not like it's been a detour from health care. ABBEY No. AMY What? You've expanded Medicare to cover mammograms, cancer clinical trials... That's money that could've gone to Viagra. You were the one that said "no dice" to cutting infant nutrition programs, nursing home standards... C.J. There's plenty of stuff left. AMY ...child immunizations, juvenile diabetes... ABBEY That's not the point. AMY What's the point? ABBEY I'm a doctor. DONNA Oh, Mrs. Bartlet, for crying out loud, you were also a doctor when your husband said, "Give me the drugs, and don't tell anybody," and you said, "Okay." An uncomfortable silence fills the room. Everyone looks at Donna. DONNA Oh, my God. You switched back to First Lady. ABBEY That's all right. DONNA I'm so sorry, Mrs. Bartlet. ABBEY It's okay. AMY He took the censure standing up, Abbey. I was very proud to have voted for him that day. ABBEY Me, too. [pause] Let's get back to the party. Abbey gets up, and everyone else starts following her outside. In a MOVING SHOT on the floor below, outside, to the PORTICO, Bartlet and Charlie are still preparing for the toast. Charlie is sitting on the bench, listening to Bartlet, who is pacing. BARTLET Okay. Here we go. CHARLIE Time is tight. BARTLET That's when the juices get flowing. CHARLIE I'm not sure we have time for juices, sir. BARTLET I could tell the story of the ditch digger. CHARLIE Sir? BARTLET You know the story? CHARLIE I do not. BARTLET Abbey and I were walking along and we see a ditch digger, and I said, "Aren't you glad you married me? You could've married a ditch digger." And she said, "Jed, if I'd married him, he'd be President." What do you think? CHARLIE Not so sure, sir. BARTLET Why? CHARLIE 'Cause it seems like a story about how cool you are. BARTLET It is. CHARLIE Do you love her? BARTLET Very deeply. CHARLIE That'll work fine. [stands] BARTLET No, it won't. Charlie sits back down. BARTLET In my house, anyone who uses one word when they could have used ten just isn't trying hard. Let's keep at it. Bartlet continues to pace. Charlie looks at his watch. CUT TO: INT. BAR - NIGHT Toby is now smoking a cigar. Marbury speaks. MARBURY The darkness in our sunshine, the shadow in our souls, the biblical sins of the fathers. For Americans, it's slavery. Slavery is your original sin. That and your unfortunate history with your aborigines. TOBY Native Americans. MARBURY For the English, it's Ireland. TOBY Well, they've given u s a couple of U.S. Presidents, a lot of Boston Democrats, and half of the New York City's Police Force. MARBURY Not to mention the song "Yankee Doodle Dandy." TOBY Yeah. MARBURY Centuries of... home rule, foiled by English conservatives or Ulster Orangemen, immortal martyrs, secret tribunals leading to public hangings, followed by war... followed by, followed by, followed by. TOBY So wouldn't you say we were doing you a favor? MARBURY By intervening? TOBY That is the act of a friend. What is left to do but talk? What could be better for that wounded place than sitting down and talking? What is better than sitting down and talking? MARBURY Not to talk to Brendan McGann. TOBY We can't choose who. MARBURY Of course, you can't. TOBY Then what can we do but talk to him? MARBURY Nothing. You must talk to him. TOBY What? MARBURY Toby, despite appearances, I do have lucid moments, and I know that England is... running out of turns in this particular... but as, uh, Ambassador to Her Majesty's Government, I must tell you that... TOBY Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House. MARBURY Yes. TOBY [beat] Understood, Mr. Ambassador. MARBURY [finishes his drink] Excellent. Toby takes a puff from his cigar and watches the Ambassador as he pays for his drink and leaves the bar. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - NIGHT Dr. Dalton Millgate is back in the chair, talking to Sam. MILLGATE F.D.R. smoked. SAM Yeah. MILLGATE In the White House, Campobello, everywhere. SAM Yeah. MILLGATE He got reelected six or seven times. SAM Listen, is there no doctor you can see... ENLOW [walking in] Next time the Bartlets invite me over to a party, remind me to bring five legislative assistants and a loaded gun. SAM You got my note. ENLOW "All infrastructure projects earmarked for Illinois are about to be anonymously blocked." SAM [stands] Let's play our game. ENLOW Don't make me mad. SAM Don't make me laugh. ENLOW Listen... SAM I couldn't figure out what this on the record/off the record crap was until Dr. Millgate, this is Dr. Millgate, by the way. [points to Millgate] MILLGATE Churchill smoked. SAM Until Dr. Millgate told me the thing is gonna be built in Illinois. So, of course, you have to be for it on the record, but off the record, it crowds out all the pork you've got your eye on, like the Senator Enlow Off-Ramp, Rest Stop, Hotel and Casino. ENLOW Don't send me notes anymore. [exits] MILLGATE Sam, screw the Fruit Loops. SAM Senator! Enlow was already on the way out of the Communications Office. He stops, turns, and goes back to SAM'S OFFICE. SAM I apologize. I apologize for my tactics and my behavior. ENLOW Okay. SAM Okay. Please don't let that jeopardize, you know... The subcommittee should have hearings on this. There should be learned testimony. ENLOW I'm a Democrat, Sam. How's a 20 billion dollar astronomy lecture gonna help the President get elected? SAM It won't. "We've discovered a seamless, intellectual framework for the universe" isn't a good 30-second spot. ENLOW If only we could only say what benefit this thing has, but no one's been able to do that. MILLGATE That's because great achievement has no road map. The X-ray's pretty good. So is penicillin. Neither were discovered with a practical objective in mind. I mean, when the electron was discovered in 1897, it was useless. And now, we have an entire world run by electronics. Haydn and Mozart never studied the classics. They couldn't. They invented them. SAM Discovery. MILLGATE What? SAM That's the thing that you were... Discovery is what. That's what this is used for. It's for discovery. ENLOW Yeah, but you understand that even if this thing passed the Senate, it's dead in the House. SAM Just as long as democracy's not dead in the Senate. ENLOW I'll withdraw my anonymous hold. SAM 'Cause you're scared of my threat? ENLOW Yes. SAM Good. ENLOW You think I was a hurdle. Good luck with the Appropriations Committee. [turns to leave] SAM Thank you. Enlow raises his hand goodbye on the way out. MILLGATE See, that wasn't so hard. SAM I've got to get back to the party. MILLGATE I've got to get on a train. [stands] SAM Oh, we can get you a room for the night. MILLGATE No. [puts his coat on] SAM God, Dalton, isn't there anything? Sloane-Kettering, or...? Millgate shakes his head. SAM All right. MILLGATE Thanks, Sam. SAM Now you think I'd make a good physicist? MILLGATE No. But you're not bad for government help. [exits] CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION HALL - NIGHT Back in the party, Big Band music plays. Abbey, C.J. and Amy are standing in front of a table watching the band play and the couples dance. C.J., in pain, touches her forehead. Donna walks up from behind. DONNA Mrs. Bartlet? ABBEY Yes? DONNA Excuse me, but I'm so sorry about the way I spoke before. ABBEY Oh, don't be. You were good. I've got a surprise for you coming up. DONNA Really? Josh walks up, passes by Amy, and goes to Donna. JOSH Excuse me. DONNA Yes? JOSH Donna... Actually... [turns to Amy] First of all, Amy... AMY Yes? JOSH [lowers his voice] I understand, and I forgive you. AMY You forgive me? JOSH I do. AMY What the hell kind of thing is that to...? ABBEY Honey. AMY Thank you for forgiving me, Josh. I appreciate that. JOSH No problem. AMY [under her breath] Jackass. Abbey laughs at the remark. Josh turns back to Donna. JOSH Donna, you're an American again. INS has a grandfather clause. If you pass a three-part literacy test, an American history exam, and fill out a one-page form, you're back. DONNA My adopted country. ABBEY Oh, Josh, I kind of wished you'd mentioned this before. JOSH Why? Drumroll. Everyone looks at the band as they stand to play the Canadian National Anthem, "O, Canada." Two Canadian flags are raised in front of the group, where Donna watches in amazement. DONNA Wow. ABBEY You were very good in there, Donna. Behind them, Bartlet approaches with Charlie. BARTLET [yells] What the hell is going on?! ABBEY Shh. BARTLET I was gone for 45 minutes. They were all Americans when I left. DONNA I know exactly how you feel, Mr. President. Bartlet holds out his hand and takes Abbey aside. The band continues to play. BARTLET I called Nolan. I know I shouldn't have, but I'm sorry. The rules are different when it comes to my family. There isn't a man in America who doesn't understand that. I also think partiality isn't a vice in this case. He knows you, and that's a good thing. He's gonna consider not recusing himself. ABBEY I'm gonna voluntarily forfeit my license for the duration of our stay in the White House. Her decision comes as a surprise. Bartlet is speechless. The guests start to sing. GUESTS O, Canada, our home and native land True patriot love in all thy sons' command With glowing hearts, we see thee rise... Bartlet finally conjures up a response. BARTLET Okay. I'm gonna do a toast and everything in a minute, and I'll tell the ditch story, but I wanted to say that I love you very much. Abbey is taken aback, fighting back tears. ABBEY I love you too, Jethro. BARTLET Don't call me that. ABBEY I think I will. MARBURY [walks up] Abigail! ABBEY Lord John! MARBURY May I grasp your breasts? BARTLET I'm standing right here! ABBEY You may kiss my cheek. MARBURY Excellent. He does. Nearby, Leo walks by and stops. LEO Abbey. MARBURY Oh, Gerald. LEO I haven't had a chance to say happy birthday. Happy birthday, Abbey. Leo kisses her on the cheek. Everyone else greets her. ALL Happy birthday, Abbey. They all raise up their glasses in honor of the First Lady, as they sing the final line of the Canadian National Anthem. GUESTS O, Canada, we stand on guard for thee. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE OUT. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 3.15 -- 'Dead Irish Writers' Original Airdate: March 6, 2002, 9:00 EST Transcribed by: Giorgio April 24, 2002