A crucial banking bill is at risk when political rivals of environmentally sensitive President Bartlet (Martin Sheen) attach a land-use rider to it that would allow strip-mining some of the Montana wilderness. C.J. (Allison Janney) tries to stamp out rumors that the Chief Executive chastised the Vice President (Tim Matheson) during a cabinet meeting. An overworked Leo (John Spencer) isn’t too keen on his independent daughter, Mallory (Allison Smith), dating the handsome Sam (Rob Lowe). C.J. continues to fend-off the romantic charms of a perceptive reporter (Timothy Busfield) with a knack for sniffing out juicy stories. Former lovers Mandy (Moira Kelly) and Josh (Bradley Whitford) clash over the administration’s attempt to jettison the land-use rider that might also ruin passage of the more important banking bill.
THE WEST WING 'ENEMIES' STORY BY: RICK CLEVELAND, LAWRENCE O'DONNELL JR. & PATRICK CADDELL TELEPLAY BY: RON OSBORN & JEFF RENO DIRECTED BY: ALAN TAYLOR TEASER FADE IN: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT 1:30 A.M. Bartlet, sitting in a chair in the middle of his office, is talking to Josh. Josh looks very sleepy, but Bartlet still continues to speak. BARTLET Yellowstone, established by an act signed by Ulysses S. Grant was the nation's first national park - March 1, 1872. JOSH [stands] It's getting late, sir. I was wondering, are we through for the evening? BARTLET [smiling] Well, we're through with work, Josh, but this part's fun. JOSH What part, sir? BARTLET The part where I get you to sit down, and teach you a little something. JOSH [sits] Ah. BARTLET Yeah. JOSH You're not tired, sir? BARTLET No. JOSH Perhaps, if you get into bed and... BARTLET I'm a national park buff, Josh. JOSH I'm sorry, sir? BARTLET [smiling] I said I'm a national park buff. I bet you didn't know that about me. JOSH Well, I didn't know that about you, sir, but I'm certainly not surprised. BARTLET Why is that? JOSH You're... quite a nerd, Mr. President. BARTLET Really? JOSH Yes, sir. BARTLET I assume that was said with all due respect. JOSH Yes, sir. BARTLET [gets up and sits near Josh] Is it nerd-like to know that Everglades National Park is the largest remaining subtropical wilderness in the continental United States, AND has extensive mangrove forests? JOSH Just a little bit. Yes, sir. BARTLET There are 54 national parks in the country, Josh. JOSH Please tell me you haven't been to all of them. BARTLET I HAVE been to all of them. I should show you my slide collection. JOSH Oh, would you? BARTLET [counting with fingers] Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon, Badlands, Capitol Reef, Acadia, which is so often overlooked... JOSH You should certainly feel free to keep talking, but I need to go home so I could be back in my office in four hours. BARTLET Dry Tortugas... JOSH See, the thing is, I can't leave without your permission. BARTLET Petrified Forests, North Cascades, Joshua Tree, Shenandoah National Park, right here in Virginia! [bangs hand on couch] We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah. What do you think? [walks to his desk and writes a note] JOSH Good a place as any to dump your body. BARTLET What was that? JOSH Did I say that out loud? BARTLET See, and I was gonna let you go home. JOSH But instead? BARTLET We're gonna talk about Yosemite. He sits back on his chair. Josh rests back his head on his chair. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. HOTEL RESTAURANT - DAY Leo is having breakfast with Mallory. They just finished drinking coffee when a waiter approaches. WAITER Thank you, Mr. McGarry. LEO Thanks, Tony. Hang on. The waiter puts the bill on the table and stands beside them to wait for the payment. Leo picks up the bill and puts on his glasses. MALLORY Oh, let me pay for it. LEO Yeah, but this is my hotel. MALLORY Dad? LEO How much does a cup of coffee cost here, Tony? TONY Six dollars and 50 cents. LEO [to Mallory] You want to pay the check? MALLORY No. LEO [puts his credit card on the bill and gives it to the waiter] Thanks. WAITER Sure. [walks away] MALLORY Six dollars and 50 cents? LEO Yes... You haven't told me about your mom. MALLORY Dad... LEO Tell me about her. Congressman Matt Skinner approaches their table. SKINNER Leo! LEO Congressman Skinner! SKINNER Congratulations. LEO Thank you. You know my daughter, Mallory. SKINNER Of course. Hi, how are you? MALLORY Good to see you, Congressman. SKINNER Congrats again, Leo. LEO To all of us. SKINNER Right. [leaves their table] MALLORY The Banking Bill? LEO Yeah. MALLORY It's gonna pass? LEO Yeah. MALLORY Congratulations. LEO Thank you. You haven't told me about your mother. MALLORY What do you want to know? LEO Is she... [thinks] I don't know. Tell me anything. MALLORY You could call her, and ask her how she's doing, you know? LEO Yeah, or I could just ask you. MALLORY You could, but clearly, asking me wouldn't do any good. LEO I'm beginning to get that impression. [takes something out of his jacket pocket] MALLORY What's that? LEO Opera tickets. It's our subscription night. MALLORY Mom doesn't want them? LEO No. MALLORY Did you ask her? LEO Yes. MALLORY And while you were asking her if she wanted opera tickets you couldn't just ask her how she's doing? LEO I had an opportunity to give you up for adoption, you know. MALLORY Too late. Leo starts to pack up and get ready for work. LEO Why couldn't you say congratulations? MALLORY On the Banking Bill? LEO Yes. MALLORY I just did. LEO Please, Mallory. You were... I don't know, you were smirking... MALLORY Dad... LEO ...or rolling your eyes... MALLORY I was doing neither. LEO You were doing it with your voice. MALLORY Father... you've gone round the bend. LEO [looks at Mallory] You want the tickets? MALLORY Yes. [takes the tickets] LEO You want to walk me back to work? MALLORY Sure. Leo looks at his daughter and smiles. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY C.J. is talking to Mrs. Landingham. C.J. Till two in the morning? MRS. LANDINGHAM Yes. C.J. They were talking till two in the morning? MRS. LANDINGHAM I'd imagine the President was doing the lion's share of the talking. Behind C.J., the door to the Oval Office quickly opens as Bartlet comes out looking very happy. BARTLET We beat the Banking Lobby! C.J. It's gonna pass? BARTLET We beat them. C.J. You're confident? BARTLET Yep. It's in the bag. C.J. Were you and Josh talking 'til two in the morning about national parks? BARTLET Ooh, C.J., Everglades National Park is one of the biggest... MRS. LANDINGHAM Mr. President... [points to the phone] BARTLET Right. I got to take this call so I can gloat about the Banking Bill. C.J. Enjoy yourself, sir. BARTLET Be talking about this C.J. This is the story! C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET [starts to leave] Crunch them! C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET [stops] Oh, incidentally, the California Live Oak is the... MRS. LANDINGHAM Mr. President... BARTLET Right. C.J. Have a good day, sir. BARTLET Twelfth round knockout, C.J.!  C.J. Yes, sir. Bartlet steps into the Oval Office and closes the door. Mrs. Landingham smiles at C.J. CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY Vice President Hoynes steps into the Roosevelt Room full of cabinet officers. He starts the cabinet meeting. HOYNES Good morning. CABINET OFFICERS Good morning. HOYNES [walks around the table to his seat] Let's take our seats. The President is gonna be a couple minutes late. He wanted me to get things started. [sits] I should begin by welcoming all of you to our third cabinet meeting, our first in six months. And I know the President would want me to point out that this meetings are for us a unique opportunity to come together and exchange ideas and to discuss our goals for the future. Surely, our first goal has to be finding a way to work with Congress. We need to reach out to the House and to the... The cabinet members swiftly stood up when they see Bartlet enter. CABINET OFFICERS Good morning, Mr. President. HOYNES Mr. President. Bartlet looks around at his cabinet members and walks around the room. BARTLET This is the saddest looking cabinet I have ever... look at this. I have an agriculture secretary who hasn't eaten a vegetable in his life. Everybody sit down. You're freaking me out. Good morning, Leo. LEO [OS] Good morning, sir. Bartlet walks to the woman at the end of the room. BARTLET Hello. Are you taking minutes? WOMAN Yes, sir. BARTLET What's your name? WOMAN Mildred, sir. BARTLET Mildred? I'm Josiah Bartlet. I'm the President of the United States. MILDRED Yes, sir. BARTLET What did I miss? MILDRED The Vice President. [reading from notes] 'Let's take our seats. The President's gonna be a few minutes late...' BARTLET Uh, would you skip down, please? MILDRED Yes, sir. 'I know the President would want me to point out that these meetings are unique opportunities for us to...' BARTLET Actually, I find these meeting to be a fairly mind-numbing experience, but Leo assures me that they are Constitutionally required, so let's get it over with. Proceed, Mildred. MILDRED 'Surely, our first goal should be finding a way to work with Congress...' BARTLET Who said that? MILDRED The Vice President. HOYNES I did, sir. BARTLET Our first goal should be finding a way to work with Congress? HOYNES Yes, sir. BARTLET You don't think our first goal is should be finding a way to best serve the American People? HOYNES I didn't say that Mr. President. BARTLET Really? Let's have a look. [takes out his glasses and reads Mildred's notes] Yeah, that's what it says right here. Would you like Mildred to read it back again? HOYNES No, thank you, sir. BARTLET Okay. Anything else? MILDRED No sir. BARTLET Good. Now let's get to work. CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - DAY Toby and Sam are going through a bunch of papers that they have written. TOBY It's good. SAM Yeah. TOBY It's good. SAM Yeah. TOBY It's a little flat. SAM I think so, too. TOBY My writing's been a little flat lately. SAM It's not you. It's me. TOBY Well, you did the best you could. SAM What do you mean? TOBY You reached your potential here. SAM No, I didn't. I can do better than this. TOBY I can do better than this. SAM Are you saying I can't do better than this? TOBY I'm saying you're fine, and I'm flat. JOSH [passes by and stops] What's going on? TOBY We're having difficulty locating our talent. JOSH Are you hearing anything about the Banking Bill? TOBY What do you mean? JOSH I don't know. I'm hearing some stuff. TOBY No, we're fine. JOSH You sure? TOBY Yeah. I'm having lunch with Crane. JOSH When? TOBY Lunchtime. JOSH I shouldn't be nervous? TOBY No. JOSH Okay. [leaves] TOBY Alright... It couldn't have gone far, right? SAM No. TOBY Somewhere in this building... is our talent. SAM [looking at Toby] Yes. CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - DAY Danny visits C.J. in her office. C.J. is working on her computer. DANNY C.J. C.J. Danny. DANNY How you doing? C.J. How is it my staff just lets you walk in here? DANNY They like me. C.J. They're supposed to like me. DANNY Go figure. C.J. walks out of his office and Danny follows her into the HALLWAY. C.J. What do you need? DANNY I heard the President roughed up Hoynes in the cabinet meeting. C.J. From who? DANNY 'Whom.' C.J. Shut up. DANNY Okay. C.J. Where did you hear it? DANNY Got fifty cents? C.J. Yeah. DANNY Then you can read about it in my newspaper. C.J. and Danny cut through the corner of the Communications Office. DANNY Hey, you want to have dinner with me tonight? C.J. No. Tell me more about this. DANNY Did it happen? C.J On the record? DANNY Yes. C.J. Absolutely not. DANNY Off the record? C.J. What else is new? DANNY That's what I thought. And you won't have dinner with me. C.J. No. DANNY I'm a very good-looking guy, C.J. I mention that because that's something people notice about me right away. C.J. Yes. DANNY I like seafood. I like all food. C.J. Danny... DANNY I should also mention I 'm a lively conversationalist. I'm very good at kayaking. I can kayak. C.J. I can't, Danny. DANNY My point is, I can teach you. C.J. No, you idiot, I mean, I can't have dinner. DANNY Okay. C.J. takes one last look at Danny as he leaves. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY Reporters, including Danny, surround Hoynes in the hallway. HOYNES So, let me tell you something. Yesterday morning about ten o'clock, these two guys, as a joke, posted some false information on a website about this tiny start-up company, and it's stock started shooting up. By 2:30 in the afternoon, the hoax had been uncovered and the stock had adjusted itself. But by the end of the day this company, which neither you or I or the Secretary of Commerce has ever heard of, closed out as the twelfth highest traded issue on the Nasdaq index. This just in: the Internet is not a fad. REPORTER Thank you, sir. HOYNES Hey, thank you all. Hoynes starts to walk with his staff. Danny tries to ask him a question. DANNY Mr. Vice President... HOYNES How you doing, Danny? DANNY Fine, thank you sir. HOYNES What do you need? DANNY The cabinet meeting. HOYNES What about it? DANNY Anything you want to talk about? HOYNES Anything I want to talk about? DANNY Yes, sir. HOYNES Well, you know, now that you talk about it, I've been having this recurring dream about killing you. DANNY Sir... HOYNES What do you think that means? DANNY I heard some things about the meeting. HOYNES Hey, nothing happened. DANNY Sir... HOYNES Nothing happened. DANNY I heard different. HOYNES Well, you heard wrong. DANNY Okay. HOYNES [to staff] Let's go. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY C.J. comes from behind Sam, who is walking to his office. C.J. Sam. SAM Yeah? C.J. You heard anything about the cabinet meeting this morning? SAM Like what? C.J. Like the President took Hoynes out for a ride? SAM Someone's talking? C.J. Yeah. SAM Who? C.J. I don't know. They walk inside the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE. Sam and C.J. see Mallory waiting in front of Sam's office. SAM Hey. C.J. Hey, Mallory. [to Sam] Hey, let me know if you hear anything. [leaves] SAM Yeah. MALLORY Hi. SAM How you doing? MALLORY Pretty good. I just had breakfast with my father and I walked with him back. SAM Mm-hmm. MALLORY Can I talk to you for a second? SAM Sure. Mallory walks into SAM'S OFFICE. Sam follows her. SAM So what's up? MALLORY So. SAM Yes. MALLORY Here's the thing. SAM Yes. MALLORY Do you by any chance like opera? SAM The opera? MALLORY Yes. SAM You mean to go and watch and listen to? MALLORY Yes, Sam. SAM Why do you ask? MALLORY Because, as it happens, I have two tickets to the Beijing Opera this evening at the Kennedy Center. My father's seats. SAM Beijing opera? MALLORY Yes. SAM [smiling] You're asking me out on a date. MALLORY No. SAM No? MALLORY No, I'm asking you if you'd like to go together with me to see an internationally renowned opera company perform a work indigenous to its culture. SAM Right, and in what way will it distinguish itself from a date? MALLORY There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the evening. SAM Okay. MALLORY So what do you say? SAM Well, uh... like most people, I'm an absolute nut for Chinese opera. The Chinese being known the world over for their soaring and romantic melodies, and what with your guarantee that there won't be sex, I don't see how I could say no. MALLORY Good, then. I'll come by and get you in about 7:30. SAM Yeah. Mallory heads for the door. SAM Hey, you know what's good about this? If you hadn't come along with your offer of Chinese opera and no sex, all I'd be doing later is watching Monday night football, so this works out great for me. MALLORY 7:30. SAM Yes, indeed. Mallory leaves. Sam smiles and walks to his desk. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY Sam and C.J. are sitting on each of Leo's chairs in front of his table. They are waiting for Leo to come. Margaret comes in and takes something from Leo's file cabinet. MARGARET Leo will be in in a minute. C.J. Thanks. SAM Thank you. Silence fills the room. C.J. asks Sam a question. C.J. What's your thing about? SAM Nothing... What's your thing about? C.J. Nothing. SAM Okay. LEO [walks in] What do you need? SAM Oh, we're not here together. LEO Somebody go first. Sam and C.J. look at each other. C.J. decides to go first. C.J. Danny Concannon said that he heard that the President and Hoynes had a... LEO At the cabinet meeting? C.J. Yeah. LEO It's nothing, C.J. C.J. Then why is Danny asking me about it? LEO Who talked to him? C.J. You think he's gonna tell me? SAM It was Hoynes. LEO That's what we need. C.J. What do you want me to do? LEO Deal with it. C.J. You're a real details man aren't you, Leo? LEO Deal with it. C.J. stands up and leaves the office. Leo sits down, rummaging through papers, and without looking at Sam... LEO What do you want? SAM I can come back another... LEO [not looking] No, come on, what? SAM Mallory had an extra ticket to the opera for tonight and she asked me if I'd like to go. LEO [still not looking] Mallory, who? SAM Mallory, your daughter. LEO [looks up swiftly and takes off his glasses] Mallory, my daughter... SAM Yes. LEO ...has asked you... SAM Yes. LEO ...to go to the opera using the tickets that used to belong to me and Mallory's mother... SAM Yes. LEO ...the woman who used to be my wife? SAM Leo, for whatever it's worth, she's made it very clear we won't be doing anything tonight you'd have a problem with. LEO Like what? SAM Why don't we stay away from that? LEO Best that we do. SAM So... LEO I'm fine, Sam. SAM You're fine? LEO I'm fine. SAM You sure? LEO Jenny and I aren't using them. Somebody should. SAM Thank you, Leo. LEO Go back to work, Sam. SAM Yeah. Leo arranges the papers in his table. He pauses for a second and thinks. LEO I'm fine. CUT TO: INT. MURAL ROOM - DAY The room is flooded with camera flashes as Hoynes talks to a number of important people. HOYNES Nitrogen and hydrogen, ladies and gentlemen, nitrogen and hydrogen. Now, Dick Brenner says we send a Saturn V rocket with a liquid-hydrogen payload or we can put a man on Mars for 25 billion dollars? That's a steal at twice the price. MAN Once you've landed him, where are you gonna get the hydrogen to get him back? HOYNES Well, Mars is built made out of Nitrogen so the best thing to do is build ourselves a gas station. CANDY [approaches] Sir... HOYNES Yeah, we're done here. Maybe we should take an earth science course again. Thank you, all. CANDY Sir, C.J. Cregg asked for a minute. HOYNES Yeah, I could have seen that coming. Hoynes and his staff walk out of the Mural Room into the HALLWAY. C.J. tries to talk to him. C.J. Mr. Vice President... HOYNES Yeah, whoever Danny's been talking to, it wasn't me, C.J. C.J. I'd just want to keep it from becoming a story. HOYNES It's not a story. C.J. And I'd like to keep it that way, sir. HOYNES What can I do for you? C.J. What happened at the cabinet meeting and how did Danny find out about it? HOYNES [stops walking] Nothing happened at the cabinet meeting and I have no idea how Danny found out about it. Moreover, the implication that I leaked privileged information is stupid as it is insulting. And I'd like to remind you, that whatever regard you may hold from me personally, you are addressing the office of the Vice President. C.J. Yes, sir. HOYNES Anything else? C.J. No, sir. HOYNES Good. [to staff] Let's go. C.J. stands still as Hoynes walks away with his staff. CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - DAY Toby knocks on the door of Sam's open office. TOBY Let's go. SAM What's up? TOBY Banking Bill's gonna pass the house, let's prepare a statement. SAM Crane's sure? TOBY He said it was in the bag. Toby and Sam step inside TOBY'S OFFICE. Josh follows them. JOSH How's lunch? TOBY It's in the bag. JOSH No, Toby, it's not. TOBY I just got done with Crane. JOSH Well, Crane's two hours behind. TOBY Oh, don't tell me. SAM What they attach? JOSH A land-use rider. SAM Who? JOSH Broderick and Eaton. TOBY Broderick and Eaton? JOSH Yep. SAM Don't worry about it. JOSH Big Sky Federal Reserve, Sam. They want to strip mine the length and breadth of Montana. SAM We don't care. JOSH We do care. SAM Not today. JOSH Sam... SAM Since when are you outdoorsy? JOSH Please, this isn't about the environment. It's about retribution. TOBY Yeah, no kidding. There were a few moments of silence until they realized what they should do. SAM We need to see the President. JOSH Yeah, we need to see the President. TOBY Broderick and Eaton? JOSH Yep. CUT TO: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY C.J. is having her usual briefing. Danny is sitting with other reporters. C.J. I am reluctant to characterize it other than to say the President is interested in what the practical effects of the policy would be. REPORTER But in all, you'd say the White House is optimistic about the chances of passage through the House of the Banking Bill? C.J. Very optimistic. REPORTER You're not concerned about the attachment of the land use rider? C.J. I'm sorry? REPORTER I said The White House isn't concerned about the attachment of the land-use rider? C.J. [slowly] That's being worked out, and I can go into more detail later. REPORTER Any chance you could go into more detail now? C.J. I could, but then you'd have no reason to talk to me later. REPORTER C.J.? C.J. I'll do that later this afternoon. Thank you everybody. C.J. walks out of the briefing room, and steps to the HALLWAY. Danny follows her. Bonnie passes by. C.J. Bonnie, find Toby for me, would you? BONNIE Sure. Danny surprises C.J. when he speaks from behind her. DANNY The land-use rider was a bit of shock for you, huh? C.J. Danny, do you see that this is a restricted area? There are signs posted. DANNY Where? C.J. There are usually signs posted. They stop in front of many hardworking White House aides working hard in their bullpen. DANNY Hey you guys, you don't mind me here do you? AIDES No. DANNY See. C.J. Danny... The two start to walk again. DANNY I'm saying it looked like someone took your legs behind you. Speaking of legs. [looks at C.J.'s legs] C.J. First of all, you're wrong. Second of all, shut up. Third, I went to Hoynes about your thing and it wasn't him who talked to you and I believe him, and now he's really pissed at me, and he's right, and fourth... shut up again. DANNY It wasn't Hoynes who talked to me. C.J. Yes, well, I know that now. DANNY I enjoy movies. I enjoy music. I'm not wild about ice-skating, but, what the hell, I'll do it. They stop again in front of the White House aides. C.J. Say goodbye to Danny, everybody. AIDES Bye Danny. DANNY [to C.J.] A day's work for a day's pay. C.J. walks into the bullpen, where Bonnie is on the phone. BONNIE Toby's in his office. C.J. Thanks. [starts to walk off] BONNIE Should I tell him you're coming? C.J. No I'd like to keep it a surprise. BONNIE [to phone] Never mind, Cathy. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY Bartlet and Leo walk. LEO Big Sky Federal Reserve. BARTLET In Montana? LEO Yes, sir. BARTLET What happened? They step into LEO'S OFFICE. LEO Eaton and Broderick got a land-use rider to the conference report. BARTLET Eaton and Broderick? LEO Yes, sir. BARTLET Eaton and Broderick attached a land-use rider? They finally walk into THE OVAL OFFICE. Toby, Sam, Josh and other staffers are waiting. LEO You surprised Eaton and Broderick had taken an interest in strip-mining? BARTLET I'm surprised Eaton and Broderick had taken an interest in anything. TOBY It's retaliatory, sir. BARTLET For what? TOBY The campaign. BARTLET What did I do to them during the campaign? TOBY You won, sir. BARTLET They want to strip-mine Big Sky? SAM Mr. President? BARTLET Yeah. SAM Swallow it. Behind Sam, Josh interrupts him. JOSH I knew you were gonna say that. SAM 'Cause it's the right thing to do. JOSH No, it's not. SAM You mean to tell me that... [faces Josh, and begins to argue] BARTLET Excuse me, fellas, over here please. SAM Mr. President, it's a banking reform bill. That's the ball game. Let's not get into an intramural spitball contest over a couple of rocks that are inhabitable eight months of the year, anyway. LEO They're pretty good looking rocks. JOSH What Sam meant to say was that we can live without the environmental lobby. SAM I don't believe that is what I meant to say, Josh. What I mean to say is it'll save real people real money. JOSH Tough. BARTLET What do you do, Josh? JOSH Veto it. SAM It's our bill. JOSH Veto it anyway. TOBY He's right. LEO Why? TOBY Send a signal to the banking committee that we will not be held hostage by Eaton and Broderick. SAM Yes, Mr. President. Tell them instead we'd much rather be held hostage by wildlife activists 'cause that's a position that always works well for us, and I think it's particularly important in the next election that we carry Montana and its three electoral votes. JOSH I always knew the day would come when Sam would start selling off entire states. I was just hoping he'd start with Delaware. BARTLET Toby. TOBY Give me a few hours, sir. Let me talk to some people. BARTLET Leo. LEO Yeah. BARTLET I don't like these people, Toby. I don't want to lose. TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET All right. What's next? Bartlet sits on the couch. The staffers gather round him. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY Lying on his couch, Leo is reading from his clipboard. He doesn't see Bartlet open the door from the Oval Office. BARTLET Hey. LEO Hey. BARTLET No, don't get up. LEO [starts to get up] No, I'm just... BARTLET No, it's fine. Please. LEO [standing] Did you need something? BARTLET Nah, I just came to see what you were doing. LEO No appointments? BARTLET Nah, you know, we had most of the night blocked for that thing, and it got cancelled so... LEO Take the night off. BARTLET Nah. LEO You should take the night off, sir. BARTLET [sits] Nah. I still got 400 pages of nonsense to read. LEO Leave it 'til tomorrow. BARTLET I don't like rattling around in that place with no one around but the butlers. LEO Call Abbey, get into bed, and turn on the football game. BARTLET Maybe later. LEO Okay. Leo sits beside Bartlet. After a short silence, Bartlet asks his best friend a question. BARTLET You had breakfast with Mal? LEO Yeah. BARTLET How's she doing? LEO She pissed at me. BARTLET What did you expect? LEO I know. BARTLET You ignored her mother. LEO Oh, come on. I didn't... BARTLET No, I'm saying that's what it looks like to her right now. LEO But she sees what the job is. BARTLET She doesn't see what the job is, Leo. And anyone would have to see it to believe it. And even if they saw it, even if they believed it, what would it matter? She's her mother's daughter, and you made her mother cry. LEO You really threw some sunshine down on that one. Thank you, sir. BARTLET Well, I'm right next door all night. LEO Me too. BARTLET Okay. He looks at Leo, and heads for his office. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT Donna stands beside Josh's office door. Mandy stands beside her. Josh is typing something in his computer and does not see Donna or Mandy. DONNA Josh. JOSH Yeah. DONNA Mandy wants to see you. JOSH Can you tell her I'm not in? DONNA No, I think the ship's pretty much sailed on that one. Josh swiftly looks at his door. He sees Donna and Mandy looking at him. Donna walks away and Mandy walks in. JOSH How you doing? MANDY Let me say this... it's a good bill. JOSH The Banking Bill? MANDY Yes. JOSH It is a good bill. MANDY What's more, it works for us. JOSH Yes, it does. MANDY No more 24 percent card interest, more savings for the average people with a tax cut, no unjustified holds on deposits--these are all phrases I can do something with. JOSH I have no argument with that, but when they attach a rider that says they can strip-mine half a... MANDY You never climbed a tree in your life, Josh. You don't give a damn about Big Sky. JOSH [stands] I don't give a damn about Big Sky. I DO give a damn about hanging a sign outside the White House that says, 'Hey Republicans and Congress, feel free to slap us around anytime you want just to show that you can.' MANDY You don't like Broderick and Eaton. JOSH I don't like Broderick and Eaton, but that's not the point. MANDY I think it's more the point than you think. JOSH How? MANDY When you're competitive, when you're combative, you juice up the President and you know it. JOSH Well, I'll keep that in mind. MANDY No, you won't. JOSH Why do you say that? MANDY Because you never do. DONNA [walks in] Josh? JOSH Yeah. [to Mandy] Got to go. Josh leaves Mandy in his office. Mandy shouts when he walks away. MANDY I'm not done with you! CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT A White House staffer, LIZ, walks in Leo's office and gives him a folder. LEO Oh, thanks, Liz. Liz leaves as Charlie walks in from the other side. CHARLIE Excuse me, Mr. McGarry? LEO Charlie, call me 'Leo' would you? CHARLIE I'll try sir. LEO What do you need? CHARLIE I got a message from Nancy Becker's office. Tomorrow's the Deputy Transportation Secretary's 50th birthday. They're having a party, and the President usually likes to send a letter. LEO Yeah. Tell it to someone in the Communications Office. They'll give it to one of the staffers. CHARLIE Yes, sir. Charlie starts to leave, but Leo stops him. LEO Wait. Nancy Becker needs it tonight? CHARLIE Yes, sir. LEO Give it to Sam. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Charlie walks in the hallway looking for Sam. From the other end of the hallway, Sam calls him. SAM Charlie! CHARLIE Sam, listen... SAM How do I look? CHARLIE You look good. SAM I went to the gym, rode a bike, took a shower and shave... CHARLIE Mr. McGarry wants you to... SAM ...Even got my shoes shined too, you know why? CHARLIE Sam? SAM I'm going to the Beijing Opera tonight, which I imagine would be excruciating, but I'm gonna go do it anyway. CHARLIE Tomorrow is the Assistant Transportation Secretary's 50th birthday, and Leo wants you to write a message for the President. SAM [stops] He wants me? CHARLIE Yeah. SAM He wants me to write a birthday message for the President? CHARLIE Nancy Becker needs it tonight. SAM Are you sure he doesn't want someone who, you know, isn't staggeringly overqualified for the job? CHARLIE He specifically asked for you. SAM What time is it? CHARLIE [looks at watch] Ten after seven. Sam enters the COMMUNICATION'S OFFICE. He talks to his aides, and Charlie follows him. SAM Um, somebody? Anybody? Um, write a two-page memo on the personal story and professional accomplishments of the assistant transportation secretary. [to Charlie] I got this under control. While looking at Charlie, Sam walks in his office, but bumps himself on the wall beside his door. He looks at the door, at Charlie, and walks in his office successfully. CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - NIGHT Toby is on his desk writing something. In front of him is Mandy, who tries to talk to him. MANDY Are you listening to me? TOBY Yes. MANDY What was the last thing I said? TOBY The last thing you said was, 'Are you listening to me?' MANDY Toby! TOBY I'm not the one to talk to about the Banking Bill anymore, Mandy. I have hatred in my heart. MANDY Toward whom? TOBY You go ahead and pick them. Today, it's Broderick and Eaton. C.J. [stands by Toby's door] Excuse me. TOBY Hey. C.J. What's going on? MANDY Would you tell him that signing the bill, and then swallowing the bitter pill of strip-mining would not foreclose a P.R. approach that would trumpet banking reforms while at the same time, excoriating a special interest strip-mining a scam, which by the way, is what I'm happy to call it. Tell him that. C.J. Toby... TOBY Hmm? C.J. [slowly] Mandy wants you to recommend to the President that we do it her way. TOBY Do you understand what she said? C.J. No, but she seemed pretty confident. MANDY I would like to talk to Josh again. TOBY Talk to anyone you want, but in this particular room, I need to work. MANDY Thank you. [leaves] C.J. [follows] Mandy... MANDY You people are willing to cut your noses off to spite your faces. C.J. Mandy, I wanted to ask you something. MANDY What? C.J. You know Danny Concannon pretty well, don't you? MANDY Yeah. C.J. He's sniffing around a story about the cabinet meeting this morning, which is not a big deal, but I want him to back off. MANDY Make him a trade. C.J. Yeah? MANDY Give him a half hour with the President. C.J. Thanks. MANDY Now, will you help me with Josh and Toby? C.J. The President's been messed with. He beat the banking lobby, and Broderick and Eaton came back at the 11th hour and gave him a cheap clip in the knees. This is the kind of thing Josh and Toby get geared up for. You're not gonna talk them down. MANDY You guys are idiots. Did you know that? C.J. In our own defense, we actually do know that. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Sam just finished writing the birthday message. Bartlet is going through it while Sam stands watch. BARTLET Well, this is fine. SAM Excellent. BARTLET They had you write this? SAM Yes, sir. BARTLET You're not a little overqualified for a birthday message? SAM I was happy to do it, sir. BARTLET Really? SAM Of course. BARTLET I appreciate it, Sam. SAM No problem. BARTLET [walks Sam to the door] Listen... SAM Yes, sir. BARTLET I mean as long as you're on it, and you don't mind, why don't we take advantage of your being on it and, you know, really do a job? SAM Do a job? BARTLET It's his fiftieth birthday. Let's give it the Sam Seaborn quill. What do you think? SAM Of course, I'd be honored to do it sir. BARTLET Good. Take your time. Bring me back the next draft when it's ready. I really appreciate it, Sam. SAM My pleasure, Mr. President. SAM walks out of the door to the OUTER OVAL OFFICE. Margaret is behind a desk and notices something. MARGARET Did you get your shoes signed, Sam? SAM Yes, I did. Sam walks out to the HALLWAY. Behind him, Mallory, wearing a beautiful red dress and a jacket, calls him. MALLORY Hey, Sam! SAM Hello. MALLORY Are you ready to go? SAM I'd like to say first that you look beautiful tonight, Mallory. MALLORY Thank you, Sam. SAM I mean it. MALLORY What would you like to say second? SAM Can we talk in my office for a minute? CUT TO: INT. THE PRESS ROOM - NIGHT Danny is typing something in the press table. C.J. comes in from behind sits on a chair next to him. They don't look at each other yet. C.J. Hello. DANNY [still typing] Hello. C.J. May I discuss your story for a moment? DANNY [stops typing and looks] Cabinet meeting? C.J. Yeah. DANNY Sure. C.J. 'Cause I really have a hard time believing that one of the cabinet officers... DANNY The cabinet officers weren't the only people in the room. C.J. [realizes] I'm gonna fire her. DANNY Who? C.J. You know who. DANNY Don't fire her. C.J. Why not? DANNY 'Cause it's not nice. C.J. The President would appreciate it if you wouldn't pursue this story, and to show his gratitude, he can give you thirty minutes on any subject or subjects that you like. DANNY Well, it sounds great, but it's not enough. C.J. What else? DANNY I'd like you to sing a song for me. C.J. Danny? DANNY A little song... C.J. Will you take it? DANNY Yes. C.J. Thank you. [stands] DANNY C.J.? C.J. Yeah? DANNY Anybody gets fired over this, I'm gonna write about why. C.J. Understood. CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - NIGHT Sam just told Mallory why he wasn't ready to go. MALLORY The Assistant Secretary of Transportation? SAM Yes. MALLORY Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions? SAM Sure. MALLORY During the campaign, you crafted a significant portion of the President's stump speech. Did you not? SAM Yes. MALLORY The acceptance speech at the convention... SAM Yes. MALLORY Inaugural... SAM Yes. MALLORY State of the Union. SAM Yes. MALLORY And now the President's asking you to write a birthday card? SAM Yes. MALLORY For the Secretary of Transportation? SAM Actually it's the Assistant Secretary of Transportation. MALLORY Oh, the Assistant Secretary of Transportation. SAM Yes, one of them. MALLORY Sam, if you didn't want to go with me you should have said so, and if you started to chicken out, you should have called me. Mallory leaves, but Sam follows her out to the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE. SAM I didn't chicken out. MALLORY I'm all dressed up, Sam. SAM My shoes are shined. MALLORY Shut up. They walk outside the HALLWAY. SAM This is something that came up, Mallory. MALLORY It's his 50th birthday. They couldn't have seen this coming for like the last fifty years? SAM Fair point. MALLORY I'm going home. SAM Don't go home. Stay here. Give me a half hour and I'll come up with a new draft. MALLORY [stops and looks] A new draft? SAM Yes. MALLORY You've already done a draft? SAM Yes. MALLORY You need to write more than one draft for a birthday card? SAM A birthday message, Mallory. MALLORY Sam... SAM Half hour. We'll get there by intermission. There'll be plenty of death and shrieking in the second act. MALLORY Go. SAM You look fantas... MALLORY Go! Sam goes to his office and Mallory sighs. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT TOBY [VO] We're gonna want to look at a new draft by the end of the week. That's all. CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - NIGHT Toby just finished up a meeting with some people. He stays in his seat in the middle of the room writing something. Josh walks in. JOSH Toby? TOBY Yes. JOSH You know what I think? TOBY What? JOSH I don't think it was Broderick and Eaton. I just... I don't think they have the muscle. TOBY [not looking] Yeah. JOSH I think it was Crane. TOBY Yeah. JOSH Honest to God, I think it was Crane. TOBY Yeah. JOSH Your friend, Crane. TOBY Yeah. JOSH The guy who told you that it was gonna go through, no problem. TOBY Yeah. JOSH You're not bothered by this? TOBY I wouldn't say that. I'd say we've reached the end of the line, and I'm really not interested in how we got there, and I'm ready to move on. JOSH How? TOBY Sam's right. JOSH No. TOBY Let's tell him to sign it. JOSH Not yet. TOBY Round's over, Josh. We did fine. [packs his things and starts to leave] JOSH We got screwed, Toby. TOBY Not so bad. JOSH Yeah, but Crane and Broderick and Eaton? TOBY It was their turn. JOSH I'm still working on this. TOBY The President's gonna need to hear something. JOSH I got a few hours. TOBY Suit yourself. Toby leaves Josh in the Roosevelt Room. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT C.J. heads for the Oval Office. Mrs. Landingham greets her. MRS. LANDINGHAM Good evening, C.J. C.J. Good evening, Mrs. Landingham. Is he free for a moment? MRS. LANDINGHAM He's catching up on some reading. C.J. I can come back. MRS. LANDINGHAM Go on in. I think he's looking for company. C.J. Thanks. C.J. opens the door to THE OVAL OFFICE. She sees Bartlet reading a stack of papers. BARTLET Hey, C.J. C.J. Good evening, Mr. President. Am I disturbing you? BARTLET No, sit down. C.J. What's going on? BARTLET When are Josh and Toby gonna come up with a solution, huh? C.J. For the land-use rider? BARTLET I want the banking bill, and I don't want to give in. C.J. The classic conundrum. BARTLET Yeah. C.J. Speaking of classic conundrums... BARTLET I don't want to hear about Hoynes and the cabinet meeting. C.J. Mr. President... BARTLET Is Danny gonna make it a thing? C.J. No. BARTLET What did you have to give him? C.J. A half hour sit-down on the record. BARTLET [pause] Sold. C.J. Sir, the Vice President wasn't the one who talked. BARTLET Sure he was. C.J. No, sir. BARTLET You're wrong. C.J. I'm pretty sure it was the woman taking minutes. BARTLET Mildred? C.J. Yeah. BARTLET Let's drop it. C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET Anything else? C.J. No, sir. BARTLET Okay. Get out of here. C.J. Thank you. CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - NIGHT Sam, seated in his chair, is thinking of something to write for a new draft of the birthday message. SAM Okay... [sighs] Okay, here we go... MALLORY Would you come on! Mallory is behind him, waiting impatiently. SAM What are you Ralph Kramden? MALLORY Sam... SAM Like I'm not under enough pressure? MALLORY It's a birthday card. SAM I don't care if it's a cupcake recipe, Mallory. I was asked to do it by the President of the United States! MALLORY What did you say? SAM I said I was asked to do it by the President of The United States! MALLORY No, you weren't. Sam, did you, by any chance, tell my father that you and I were going out tonight? SAM Yes, I did. MALLORY Excuse me. [leaves] SAM [still tries to write something] Okay, here we go. [beat] Nope! He throws his yellow pad in his desk. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Leo is on his couch talking to Margaret, who is writing what Leo is saying. LEO Findings, which by the way, did nothing to support our positions in light of the finance committee's speculation need to be referred back to the O.M.B. Yours very unhappily... MARGARET Okay. LEO Copy that to Josh. MARGARET What's the President gonna do about Big Sky? LEO When he tells me, I'll tell you. What's next? Margaret puts down her pad and picks another one. Mallory walks in. MALLORY Excuse me, Margaret. [to Leo] Hello. LEO Hey, baby. MALLORY Don't 'hey baby' me, you addle-minded Machiavellian jerk! MARGARET Should I step out? LEO Sounds like it. Margaret leaves. Leo stands and heads for his desk. MALLORY You gave him that idiot assignment on purpose! LEO Yes. MALLORY Why? LEO 'Cause, I felt like it. MALLORY Dad... LEO You know what, Mal? Your mom's got a genuine beef. I widowed her the day I took over the campaign, but I don't think I've done anything to you. Working on the White House doesn't allow any flexibility in so far as leisure time as you've discovered this evening. I'm done being blamed by you for this. MALLORY So you made Sam write a birthday card? LEO A birthday message. MALLORY Why? LEO Just my sense of humor. From the Oval Office, Bartlet comes in and heads for the door on the other side, to call on Margaret. BARTLET Hey, Mal. MALLORY Good evening, Mr. President. BARTLET Margaret! [looks at Mallory] Hey, you're all dressed up. MALLORY Yes, I am. MARGARET [walks in] Yes, sir. BARTLET Yes, uh, could you bring me the chief of staff's schedule for today, please? MARGARET Yes, sir. [leaves] BARTLET Thank you. [looks at Mallory] You look a little glum, Mallory. Did you have plans to go out this evening with someone who had to cancel due to circumstances beyond their control because they have made a commitment to a common and higher purpose? MALLORY [points at the President] You're a coconspirator on this! Margaret comes in with a clipboard. She gives it to Bartlet and leaves. BARTLET Oh, thank you Margaret. [to Mallory] These are some of the things your father did today. [reading] He met with the director of the C.I.A., and received an intelligence briefing regarding stores of plutonium in a country which, shall we just say is not on our Christmas card list. He brokered a compromise among democrats for funding of something fairly trivial, but I can't remember quite what it was, oh yes, the U.S. Army, yes. He met with chief counsel to discuss the news hat it's possible I've broken some federal laws in the week and may have to serve from one to three years in prison after resigning my office in disgrace. [to Leo] How'd that go by the way? LEO We're fine. BARTLET Cool. He received a security briefing, a Central American briefing, and wrote a position paper, and he's been counseling me throughout the day of a bad decision I have to make. Oh, and by the way, this was a very light day. MALLORY Due respect, Mr. President... what's your point? BARTLET Uh... that's a perfectly fair question. LEO You know what, sir? I can take it from here. BARTLET Okay. LEO Thank you. BARTLET I'm right next-door. LEO Thank you. BARTLET [heads for his office, but stops] Oh, my point is... give your dad a break. He's your father. MALLORY Thank you, sir. BARTLET Are you blowing me off? MALLORY Yes, sir. BARTLET Okay. When the President is gone, Mallory looks at her father. MALLORY I'm not blaming you, Dad. LEO It feels like you are. MALLORY Let me fix that. LEO Okay. MALLORY Let's say you and I, we take this tickets. We'll go catch the second act? [takes her father's jacket] LEO Is there a way, any other way, we can fix this? MALLORY Dad... LEO Did you hear the President tell you about my day? MALLORY Yes. LEO And now, Chinese Opera? MALLORY Okay, coffee and dessert. LEO Now you're talking! MALLORY We should ask Sam. LEO [puts on jacket] Yes, by all means, let's ask Sam. MALLORY Be nice to him. LEO I'll me gone for a while, Margaret! MARGARET [OS] Okay. MALLORY Dad... LEO I'll be nice! I'll be nice. Leave me alone! They head out. CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS In his office, Sam writes something in his pad. He immediately tears it off and crumples it. He bangs his hand three times on his desk, and throws the paper away. He tries to write again. SAM This is getting serious. Mallory knocks on Sam's door. Leo is behind her. MALLORY Good news. SAM Hello. LEO Hello, Sam. MALLORY You're off the hook for opera. We would like you to come and join us for coffee. Also, my father has something he'd like to say to you. LEO Wha, is this really necessary? MALLORY I believe it is. LEO Sam, I gave you the thing to do 'cause I was pissed you were taking, you know, blah, blah, blah. MALLORY Well said, Dad. LEO Anyway, I'm sorry about that. SAM I figured. Say, you mind if I skip the coffee? I want to nail this thing. LEO Forget it, Sam. Your first draft was fine. SAM Yeah, but I want to nail it, Leo. MALLORY Sam, the President was in on it. Your first draft is fine. SAM Yeah, but still... MALLORY You want to nail it. SAM I do. MALLORY You're so exactly like him. [looks at Leo] SAM Well, that is the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Thank you. MALLORY [to Leo] Let's go. LEO [to Sam] I'll be back in an hour. Leo and Mallory leave. SAM Alright... Here we go... Sam smiles as he writes something in his pad again. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Nancy knocks and opens the door. Bartlet is sitting in his chair with his feet on the desk, reading something. We can see that Hoynes is waiting behind Nancy. NANCY Mr. President... BARTLET Yes? NANCY The Vice President, sir. BARTLET [beat] Yeah, okay. Hoynes walks in. Bartlet stands up. HOYNES Good evening, sir. BARTLET How are you, John? HOYNES Fine sir. BARTLET Good. What can I do for you? HOYNES I thought we ought to straighten out this business from this morning before it got out of hand. BARTLET C.J. already talked to Danny Concannon. I think we're fine. HOYNES Actually, I mean, between us. BARTLET Well, that's a different story. HOYNES I was not Concannon's source. You can believe that or not, but it is true. BARTLET Okay. HOYNES Well, good night, Mr. President. BARTLET Good night, John. Hoynes heads for the door. BARTLET John? HOYNES What did I ever do to you? Where, in our past, what did I do to make you treat me this way? BARTLET John... HOYNES What did I ever do to you except deliver the South? BARTLET Really? HOYNES Yes. BARTLET You shouldn't have made me beg, John. I was asking you to be Vice President. HOYNES Due respect, Mr. President, you have just kicked my ass in a primary. I'm fifteen years younger than you. I have my career to think of. BARTLET Then don't stand there and ask the question, John. It weakened me right out of the gate. You shouldn't have made me beg. A brief silence fills the room. HOYNES I'm glad C.J. straightened things out with Danny. BARTLET Yeah. HOYNES Good night, Mr. President. BARTLET Good night, John. [looks at Hoynes as he leaves] CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT Josh rummages through the papers in his desk looking for something. Mandy is behind him. MANDY This bill will stop the banking lobby from getting whatever it wants, including total bank deregulation. Josh heads for Donna's desk. MANDY follows him. JOSH Donna, who am I talking to about this? DONNA Madison. JOSH Thank you. [heads back to his office] MANDY You don't think it's worth giving up a piece of land? JOSH Mandy... MANDY I'm saying there's a political gain to beating the banking lobby. JOSH There's a political cost of letting it go with the rider attached. MANDY I know you want to win, Josh, but I've got news for you: you've won. JOSH No, we're tied. MANDY And when that's the best you can do, you depart the field and you call it a win. JOSH [walks to Donna's desk] It's not a win. Donna, will you tell Leo's office that I'll have a solution for the President, very soon. DONNA Do you have a solution for the President? JOSH Does it look like I have a solution for the President? DONNA No. JOSH [walks back to his office] Then let's assume that I don't. MANDY I can put a best face on it, Josh. It's what I do. JOSH You can put a best face on a turnpike collision, Mandy. I'm not moved. Mandy slams Josh's door and stands in Josh's way. Josh, surprised, looks at Mandy. MANDY You're fighting the wrong fights, and you're doing it for the wrong reasons. That's all. Mandy opens the door and leaves. Donna walks in the office. DONNA What was that about? JOSH [sits in his chair] Nothing. DONNA You sure? JOSH Okay. Where's the Madison stuff? DONNA We're getting it. JOSH Donna, it's twenty minutes. I need it faster. DONNA We're working, Josh, but honestly, the computer files are pretty antiquated. JOSH Yeah, you're right. [beat] Wait, what? DONNA I said that the computer... JOSH They're antiquated. DONNA Yeah. JOSH [sing-song] They're antiquated. DONNA What's wrong with you? JOSH Would you have them tell the President that I'm ready to see him in his convenience? DONNA You sure? JOSH Yeah. CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - NIGHT Sam is typing up the birthday message in his computer. Toby is behind him, looking at the screen. TOBY Hmmm... Hmm... Hmmm... SAM [stops typing] You know, I got to tell you, Toby? TOBY Am I bothering you? SAM Well, I'm not feeling relaxed. TOBY Well, maybe you need a glass of wine. SAM Maybe you need to stop standing over my shoulder. TOBY Why don't you let me try this? SAM I'm gonna nail it this time! JOSH [stands at the door] Guess what? TOBY [to Josh] Tell him to let me write this thing, will you? JOSH The antiquities act. TOBY The antiquities act? JOSH Yeah. TOBY That's creative. SAM The antiquities act! TOBY The President is empowered to designate any federal land to be a national park. SAM Big Sky. JOSH It's a done deal. TOBY Go tell him. JOSH You want to come? TOBY No, I want to stay here. JOSH What are you doing? TOBY I want to nail this. JOSH What is that? TOBY It's a birthday card for someone. JOSH For who? TOBY I don't know. SAM It's a birthday message. TOBY Let me try a crack at this. SAM One more try! JOSH You two need to put your heads down on your desk you know that? Josh leaves, and Sam continues typing. TOBY Right away you're starting off bad. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Bartlet is talking to Charlie, who is standing behind the couch. BARTLET Both black and grizzly bears inhabit Glacier Park, Charlie. And hikers are told to talk or sing along the trail to keep them at bay. CHARLIE If I see a grizzly bear, I'm supposed to sing to it, sir? BARTLET It's not as silly as it sounds. CHARLIE Well, it sounds pretty silly. BARTLET I suppose. CHARLIE Was there anything else? BARTLET Yes, Glacier Park was the tenth. We have 44 to go. JOSH 45. [walks in] CHARLIE I quit. JOSH I hear ya. BARTLET Have a good night, Charlie. CHARLIE Good night, Mr. President. [gives the President's jacket to Josh and leaves] BARTLET [to Josh] What have you got? JOSH The antiquities act. You're gonna establish Big Sky National Park. Bartlet laughs at the idea. JOSH Yeah. BARTLET I can do this? JOSH Yeah. BARTLET You understand it's a bunch of rocks, right? JOSH I'm sure someone with your encyclopedic knowledge of the ridiculous and dork-like will be able to find a tree or a ferret that the public has a right to visit. BARTLET [stands] More than a right, Josh. JOSH Sir. BARTLET It's a treat. JOSH Yes, sir. BARTLET You would enjoy nature. JOSH I've tried nature, sir. [helps Bartlet with his jacket] BARTLET The antiquities act! JOSH Yes, sir. BARTLET This is simplicity itself. JOSH Yes, sir. BARTLET Good job. JOSH Thank you, sir. BARTLET Thank you. JOSH Good night, Mr. President. BARTLET Good night. He takes his bag and heads out. A Secret Service Agent opens the door for him. BARTLET [to agent] Thank you. Good night. Bartlet walks out to the PORTICO. Josh tries to run and catch up with him. JOSH Mr. President? BARTLET [looks back] Yeah? JOSH We talk about enemies more than we used to. BARTLET What? JOSH We talk about enemies more than we used to... I wanted to mention that. BARTLET Yeah. JOSH Good night, Mr. President. BARTLET Good night. Bartlet heads for the residence. A secret service agent whispers to the wireless mike on his wrist. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 1.8 -- 'Enemies' Original Airdate: November 17, 1999, 9:00 PM EST Transcript By: Giorgio June 29, 2000