While President Bartlet (Martin Sheen) and his staff nervously await the results of a poll to determine his favorability rating, he begins a heady transfer of ambassadors and members of the Federal Election Commission designed to kickstart campaign finance reform and defuse an embarrassing incident overseas. Specifically, wheeler-dealer Bartlet recalls the married ambassador to Bulgaria, Ken Cochran (Lawrence Pressman) who is discovered to be romancing the daughter of the country’s Prime Minister, but faces another crisis at home when Sam (Rob Lowe) is photographed by a newspaper giving a graduation gift to known call girl (Lisa Edelstein). Meanwhile, C.J. (Allison Janney) anxiously paces the White House corridors and wonders if she is being marginalized by Leo (John Spencer) for past mistakes. In addition, Josh (Bradley Whitford) clashes with opinionated pollster Joey Lucas (Marlee Matlin).
THE WEST WING 'LIES, DAMN LIES, AND STATISTICS' WRITTEN BY: AARON SORKIN DIRECTED BY: DON SCARDINO TEASER FADE IN: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - NIGHT Opening shot of a clock on the wall: 7:05. The camera pans down to Donna and Josh walking through. DONNA They got to start the poll, Josh. It's 7:05. JOSH It's ten to seven. DONNA No, it's really not. JOSH It's 7:05? DONNA Yeah. JOSH That's ridiculous. DONNA I'm not making it up. JOSH My watch says ten to seven. DONNA That's 'cause your watch sucks. JOSH My watch is fine. DONNA Your watch says ten to seven. JOSH How do I know it isn't ten to seven? DONNA 'Cause those large clocks on the wall that are run by the U.S. Navy, say your watch sucks. In fact, they say your watch sucks in four different time zones. Josh and Donna pass by C.J.'S OFFICE. Toby is razzing C.J. TOBY Question six is asymmetrical. C.J. Question six is fine. TOBY "Would you say things in this country are going in the right direction or do you think they've gotten off on the wrong track?" Josh and Donna double back to C.J.'S office and stand at the door. JOSH He's got a good point about this. C.J. No, he doesn't. DONNA Guys, you know it's five after seven. TOBY Should be right direction or wrong direction. C.J. Toby. TOBY Direction and track are two different words! C.J. Thank you, Funk and Wagnall's. They all leave C.J.'s office. Bonnie and Ginger are with them. TOBY What'd she call me? GINGER Funk and Wagnall's. They make the dictionary. TOBY I know who Funk and Wagnall's are. BONNIE They why'd you ask her? Everyone starts heading out into the HALLWAY. DONNA Guys, it's five after seven. TOBY The question is asymmetrical. C.J. That may be so, but the question originated 2 decades ago and has proven to be a consistent predictor of a voter's potential behavior. So it stays the way it is. JOSH I have a problem with fourteen. C.J. What's your problem? JOSH "When making policy decisions, do you think that President Bartlet puts the needs of average people first?" "Average people" is a pejorative phrase and occurs about six times in the polling model. C.J. This may come as a shock to you, but 80% of the people in this country would use the word "average" to describe themselves. They do not find the term deprecating. Indeed, being considered an "average American" is something they find to be positive and comforting. They all walk into THE ROOSEVELT ROOM. Leo, Larry, Ed and several other staffers are inside. Leo is reading a piece of paper. Toby sits next to him. LEO C.J. C.J. Yes. LEO [reads] "Jed Bartlet cares about people like me." C.J. Leo, we went over this. TOBY We need to talk about the asymmetry of question six. C.J. We really don't. TOBY Since when are you an expert on language? C.J. In polling models? TOBY Okay. C.J. 1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass? TOBY Since long before that. LEO "Jed Bartlet cares about people like me. Agree or disagree?" C.J. Again, we went over this. LEO Can't "people like me", when read off the script, be taken to mean people like the interviewer? ED When we ask that question, we usually say, "People like yourself." LARRY Or "people like you." ED I've seen it both ways. LEO Fellas. LARRY "Yourself" is a little softer. ED And softer is bad? LARRY Softer is better. LEO But the point is.... C.J. The respondent isn't confused by the question and separating the respondent from the interviewer with "people like yourself" is pejorative. So, Ed, Larry, you can take this up with Josh. Leo, Eastern Standard Time is sitting down to dinner. The poll is fine. JOSH It's an important poll, C.J. C.J. I'm aware of its importance. I'm also aware that if we don't start the phone banks right now, I might not have enough time to leak the internals to media outlets before we hit the weekend. TOBY There's still the matter... C.J. So, it turns out that over the last 3 weeks we managed to climb out of the hole, only we can't tell anybody about it 'til Monday, cause we stood here all night arguing about asymmetry! [sighs] It's time. LEO Anybody want to make a prediction? ED We'll hold at 42% job approval. LARRY We'll hold steady. JOSH I'll be happy if we hold steady. TOBY We'll drop a few points, but it'll be inside the plus or minus. LEO C.J.? C.J. We're going to go up five points. LEO The President thinks we're going to hold steady. C.J. The President is wrong. LEO You think? C.J. Yes. LEO Let's find out. Toby, tell Sam to start the banks. Toby picks up the phone and pushes a button. CUT TO: INT. PHONE BANKS - NIGHT Sam and Mandy are standing wait. Sam's cell phone rings. SAM [into phone] Sam Seaborn... Okay. [to Mandy] Let's get our report card. Mandy walks inside the phone bank area. MANDY Okay! Here we go! SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - NIGHT MONDAY NIGHT 3 HOURS INTO POLLING Sam appears. Ginger and Bonnie are inside. GINGER Hey, Sam. SAM Hey, Ginger. BONNIE How's it going in there? SAM I popped Mandy with my tranquilizer gun. She's doing fine. GINGER Bonnie wanted to know why it takes 48 hours. SAM We need 1500 responses. BONNIE It takes 30 people, 48 hours to make 1500 calls? SAM It takes them about 12 hours to make 1500 calls. We need 1500 responses, which means we need to make 6000 calls. TOBY [enters] Sam. SAM Yeah. BONNIE Only 1 in 4 people don't hang up? SAM That's if you're lucky. Toby and Sam enter TOBY'S OFFICE. Sam shuts the door. TOBY The G.W. Law School graduation is tomorrow. SAM Yeah. TOBY Were you going to go see your friend? SAM Laurie? TOBY Yeah. SAM I wish you'd call her Laurie. TOBY Were you going to see her graduate Law School tomorrow? SAM Yeah. TOBY You can't. SAM Okay. TOBY I really do believe Steve Onorato knows and he's... SAM Yeah. TOBY He'll try and use it to embarrass us. SAM Okay. TOBY They may know who this girl is. They know she's graduating Law School tomorrow. They know it's someplace you'll likely to be. Maybe they'll want to snap a picture. Maybe... SAM Laurie. TOBY What? SAM You called her "this girl." TOBY Sam, you can't. SAM I said okay, Toby. Do you see me arguing with you? TOBY No. SAM Anything else? TOBY Nope. SAM Biggest day of her life. Huge day. She put herself through Law School and I know that there are people in South Carolina that don't like how she did it. TOBY Not just South Carolina, Sam. SAM Then in both Carolinas, Toby. Though, I never understood what the hell business it is... TOBY You can't go, Sam. SAM I'm not going. TOBY Thank you. Sam leaves. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Margaret comes in and closes the door. Leo is inside. MARGARET Leo. LEO Is he here? MARGARET Yeah. LEO Wait in here for a minute, then go back out and send him in. MARGARET Okay. Why do you want me to wait in here? LEO Cause I do. MARGARET Okay. [waits a little] It feels weird not doing anything. LEO Yeah. MARGARET waits a bit longer, looking around the room. MARGARET It feels weird, you know, 'cause the instinct... LEO Okay! Go out and send him in. MARGARET Okay. [leaves] Leo gets up to greet his guest, BARRY HASKEL. LEO Barry. BARRY HASKEL Yes. LEO Leo McGarry. BARRY Barry Haskel. LEO Good to meet you. BARRY Mm-hmm. LEO Is this your first time in the White House? BARRY This is my first time in the West Wing. LEO You've been on the Federal Election Commission for nine years and no one has ever invited you to the White House? BARRY Not to the West Wing. There have been... I go to the annual Christmas party at the O.E.O.B. and the last Christmas the Vice President stopped in for a moment and it was very nice. LEO Barry. [motions for Barry to sit] BARRY Mm-hmm. [sits down] LEO I wanted to talk to you about Campaign Finance Reform and specifically soft money contributions. BARRY Right. I had a hunch. Could I possibly have a glass of fruit juice? LEO Are you thirsty? BARRY I'll be perfectly honest, Mr. McGarry. This is the first time I've been called to the office of the White House Chief of Staff. LEO You're a little nervous. BARRY You know you walk past a dress Marine when you come in here? LEO Rodney. BARRY I didn't catch his name, but... LEO Rodney's great. [calls] Rodney! RODNEY [enters] Yes, Mr. McGarry. LEO Could you do that thing you were doing before? Barry raises a hand to decline. Rodney goes through a little drill with his rifle, ending with a loud thump that makes Barry jump a little. LEO Thanks, Rodney. RODNEY Anytime sir. [leaves] LEO It's amazing, and that rifle's really loaded, too. BARRY Mr. McGarry. LEO Call me Leo. BARRY Leo. LEO There's no need to be nervous, Barry. We know you're one of us. BARRY I'm sorry? LEO I say, we know you're one of us. Six Commissioners on the F.E.C. Two just resigned, leaving four, including you. The belief has always been that none of the four of you favor a ban on soft money contributions. But the truth is, you do. BARRY That's not true. LEO Yes, it is. And the way that I know that it is is cause you said so. You said so to the Newark Star Ledger on March 13, 1995, "Money isn't speech." And you said so two years before that to the Detroit Free Press, "We must reverse the 1978 Regulatory decision allowing soft money." BARRY Those quotes were anonymous. LEO Not anymore. BARRY I gave those quotes on the condition of anonymity. LEO Hey, I know how you feel. I went to drug rehab on the condition of anonymity. Maybe you read about it in the papers. BARRY Look. LEO Barry, Barry! You want to ban soft money. You're one of us. You've been outed. BARRY It never made much... being out numbered 5 to 1 on the F.E.C.... it never made much sense to me to swim against the grain. I would've been... LEO I understand. BARRY I would've been irrelevant. It made... LEO Plus, you would've had a hard time getting re-upped by the Senate when your term expired. BARRY Exactly! LEO On the other hand, if we hadn't gone out and found ya, you probably never would have been invited to the White House. BARRY See now... when I got the call from your office, my wife and her friends said this is what was going to happen. LEO What's that? BARRY That you were going to use the trappings of the White House. That there was going to be a sort of, um... intimidation. LEO No one's intimidating you, Barry. You're with us. You were wandering for years in the darkness, but we came and found ya. And welcome back to the pack. BARRY Coercion, then? And I notice that I'm sitting here, in the Chief of Staff's office and with all the trappings of the White House... LEO [chuckling] Barry. BARRY ...and my wife and her friends say it's not uncommon for people to get light-headed, and star struck, and I've heard the same thing from other people. LEO Nonsense. Let me show you around the place. [gets up from his chair] BARRY If I could just get a glass of water. LEO No problem, we keep it in here. Leo opens door to THE OVAL OFFICE. He and Barry enter. Bartlet is with some guests and they're all sharing a good laugh. LEO Mr. President, I'm so sorry to interrupt. BARTLET Not at all, we're just having a nightcap. LEO I'd like you to meet Barry Haskell from the F.E.C. BARTLET Oh, may I present Treasury Secretary, Kenneth... KENNETH Ken Kato, how are you? BARTLET Mr. Attorney General. DAN Dan Larson. BARTLET Our CIA Director, Rob Conrad. ROB It's good to see you. They each shake hands with Barry. BARTLET Barry, I'm Jed Bartlet. I understand you're thinking about helping us out. It makes me so happy. [shakes Barry's hand] BARRY It's an honor to meet you, Sir. BARTLET Well, let's get him a drink. Barry tries to wave off the offer. LEO [to Barry] They'll take good care of you. [turns to go back to his office] BARTLET Leo... [walks towards Leo] ROB [OS] Come on, sit down and have a drink with us. Bartlet and Leo stand near the door, whispering. LEO Just put him in the boat. BARTLET This could all be for nothing. LEO Yeah. BARTLET I mean, if the numbers... [points downward] LEO Yeah. BARTLET Did we start? LEO We put the polling in the field 3 hours ago. BARTLET All right. Did the guys make any predictions? LEO No, I didn't ask. BARTLET Yes, you did. LEO They think we're going to hold at 42. Toby thinks we drop a few points but inside the margin. BARTLET It could be worse. LEO Yeah. BARTLET I mean it could be worse than holding at 42. LEO Yeah. BARTLET 'Cause if these numbers keep going down, I'm just a guy with Barry Haskell in his office. LEO I'll stop back in ten minutes. BARTLET A dress Marine guarding your door? LEO Too showy? BARTLET Nah... My thing is, what's he suppose to be guarding right now? LEO I'll be right in here. [points to his office] BARTLET Thanks. LEO Thank you, Mr. President. [heads back into his office] CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT We see Laurie and her friend, JANEANE, sitting at a long table with books scattered about. JANEANE You are graduating tomorrow and... LAURIE Shhhhh... JANEANE [lowers voice] You're graduating tomorrow... LAURIE Janeane. JANEANE ...and yet, you're in a library studying. LAURIE There's something called the Bar Exam. JANEANE Oh, are you taking it tonight? LAURIE No... JANEANE Well, then let's go out. LAURIE Just give me ten more minutes. A cell phone rings. JANEANE Oh god, is that me? LAURIE That's me. [rummages in her bag] JANEANE See the advantages of being a waitress? LAURIE You don't have to take the Bar Exam? JANEANE That's right. LAURIE You're not going to be a waitress forever. JANEANE Answer your phone. LAURIE [into phone] Hello. SAM [VO] Are you in the library? LAURIE It's you. CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - NIGHT Sam is in his office. SAM You're in the library the night before? LAURIE [VO] 3 years of Law school. I do not understand real estate. SAM Nobody does. Listen... CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT LAURIE You can't come tomorrow. SAM [VO] No. LAURIE I understand. SAM There's a reason to believe a staffer in the Majority Leader's office knows about you. He knows that I know you and he's probably known the information for some time, but is waiting for the moment when the information can cause the most trouble. LAURIE And that moment's now? SAM [VO] Yeah. LAURIE It's okay. SAM No, it's not okay, but... LAURIE [VO] Baby, don't guilt yourself over this. I know you'll be thinking about me. SAM [VO] I will. You go knock 'em dead, tomorrow. LAURIE Okay. SAM [VO] Okay. LAURIE [hangs up] He can't make it. JANEANE Yeah, I kinda guessed. LAURIE Don't worry about it. JANEANE That's right. It's your week. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - DAY TUESDAY MORNING 13 HOURS INTO POLLING Sam enters. Bonnie and Ginger are inside. SAM You know what's fun? BONNIE What? SAM The Potomac in the morning. GINGER Yeah? SAM Jogging around the Potomac or sculling. GINGER Were you jogging this morning? [hands Sam a cup of coffee] SAM No. BONNIE Were you sculling? SAM No. I was sitting on a bench having a bagel, but from where I was, both jogging and sculling looked good to me. Sam goes into his office as Toby comes out of his office. TOBY Bonnie. BONNIE Yeah. TOBY I need you to arrange a meeting with Ross Kassenbach. BONNIE For when? TOBY As soon as possible. Also, I need the next two minutes the President's got. SAM [pops out of his office] Found one? TOBY Yeah. SAM What? TOBY Ambassador to the Federated States of Micronesia. SAM Is that a real country? TOBY Yup. SAM The Federated States of Micronesia? TOBY Yes. SAM 'Cause it sounds like a place the Marx brothers would... TOBY Real country. BONNIE Toby. TOBY Yeah. BONNIE The President's got two minutes in about two minutes. TOBY [to Sam] Come with me for this. Toby takes off. Sam hurries after him. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY Bartlet and C.J. are walking and enter through the colonnade to the residence. Charlie is inside. BARTLET Based on what? C.J Sir. BARTLET Based on what is he making that claim? C.J. Based on the memo.... BARTLET We've been out there for three weeks. CHARLIE Good morning, Mr. President. BARTLET Good morning, Charlie. C.J. Morning. C.J. high fives Charlie as she walks by. C.J. and Bartlet enter THE OVAL OFFICE. BARTLET We've been... we've been out there for three weeks. Crossfire, Meet the Press, Charlie Rose, The Today Show, The Tonight Show, Good Morning Scottsdale... C.J. Sir. BARTLET ...Time, Newsweek, Popular Mechanics. We've been out there saying we're not talking about legalization. We are talking about treatment. C.J. There's a memo. It's the same memo that's been generated by every administration for thirty years. BARTLET Well, how do you want to handle it? C.J. By saying it's the same that's been generated by every administration for thirty years. BARTLET I don't know. It sounds like we're soft on the issue. Toby and Sam enter. TOBY Good morning, Mr. President. SAM Good morning, sir. BARTLET Steve Onorato is saying I want to legalize drugs. SAM That's the exact same memo that's been generated by every administration for thirty years. C.J. That's... TOBY C.J., that's exactly what you should say. C.J. Thanks. BARTLET Hmmm... Leo was in here last night. He said you guys predicted we'd hold steady at 42. Were you just being optimistic or you really think we held our ground. TOBY I said we might drop a couple, but inside the margin. SAM I think we held our ground. C.J. I didn't say that sir. BARTLET Sorry? C.J. I didn't say we'd hold steady at 42, Mr. President. I said we'd gain five points. BARTLET Yeah? C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET Well, okay. Anybody want to offer C.J. the odds? Everyone keeps quiet. BARTLET [to C.J.] Talk to the press. C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET Tell them every administration for the past thirty years has generated that memo. C.J. Yes, sir. BARTLET That's it. C.J. Thank you, Mr. President. [leaves] BARTLET [closes the door] Thank you. [to Toby and Sam] What do you got? TOBY The Federated States of Micronesia. SAM Toby says it's a country. BARTLET [sits down with a cup of tea] It is a country. You know where? TOBY I assume it's a small island in the South Pacific. BARTLET It's actually 607 small islands in the South Pacific. Interestingly, while its total land mass is only 270 square miles, it occupies more than a million square miles of the Pacific Ocean. Population is 127,000 and the U.S. Embassy is located in the state of Pohnpei and not, as many people believe, on the island of Yap. TOBY Why would a person have that information at their disposal? BARTLET Parties. TOBY Uh sir. BARTLET I looked at the Federated States of Micronesia. I can't fire our ambassador. TOBY Why not? BARTLET Somebody's going to ask me why I fired him and I'm not gonna be able to come up with the answer they're looking for. TOBY Well, Sam's got you covered. BARTLET How? SAM You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him. BARTLET To what? SAM Ambassador to Paraguay. BARTLET And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay? SAM You make him ambassador to Bulgaria. BARTLET Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home. SAM The Bulgarian ambassador is believed to be having an affair with the daughter of Prime Minister, Toder Lukanov. BARTLET That ambassador is Ken Cochran, isn't it? TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET He's having an affair with the daughter of the Bulgarian Prime Minister? TOBY Who, the State Department, is saying is upset. BARTLET I can imagine. SAM Do you know him, sir? BARTLET Prime Minister of Bulgaria? SAM Ambassador Cochran. BARTLET I know his wife. SAM Ouch. BARTLET I got to fire Ken Cochran? TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET All right, then I don't want it to be because of the girl. SAM Why not? BARTLET I know his wife. TOBY We can create legitimate grounds for incompetence. BARTLET Well, it looks to me like there are legitimate grounds for incompetence, but... come up with different ones, would you? TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET All right, let's do it. TOBY and SAM Thank you, sir. [both leave] BARTLET Charlie! CHARLIE [enters] Yes, sir. BARTLET I need to meet with Ambassador Cochran. He can be found in his office at the U.S Embassy in Bulgaria, or not. Either way, I'd like the State Department to put his ass on a plane and have it in this office tomorrow. CHARLIE Yes, sir. BARTLET Thank you. CHARLIE Is that Ken Cochran, Mr. President? BARTLET Yeah. CHARLIE Okay. BARTLET What? CHARLIE I'm sorry, sir? BARTLET It looked like when I said "Ken Cochran", that you knew who he was. CHARLIE No sir. BARTLET Okay. CHARLIE Thank you, Mr. President. [leaves] CUT TO: INT. JOEY'S OFFICE AREA - DAY Josh and Joey are arguing. Kenny interprets. JOSH They might put it on the table. JOEY [KENNY] They won't put it on the table. JOSH They might... JOEY [KENNY] They won't. [pushes Kenny aside] JOSH I'm saying if they do put it on the table... JOEY [KENNY] They won't. JOSH Is there any possibility you're going to let me finish a sentence? Is there any chance at all that that's going to happen? JOEY [KENNY] You don't have to raise your voice to me. JOSH How the hell do you know if I'm raising my voice to you? JOEY I guessed! [smirks] JOSH You're here to give me a counter argument on English as the official language of the United States. You are not here to speculate on whether or not the Republicans are going to put the issue on the table. JOEY Okay! JOSH Good! Joey signs something to Kenny. JOSH What'd she say? KENNY They won't. JOSH Okay, look... DONNA [stops by] Josh. JOSH What? DONNA You wanted me to let you know when C.J. started talking about the drug memo. JOSH C.J. started the briefing already? DONNA A half hour ago. JOSH The briefing is not supposed to start 'til eleven. DONNA Guess what? JOSH My watch sucks? DONNA Yes, indeed. JOSH [to Joey] Okay, I'll be back and when I get back, you're going to argue with me and we're going to argue about the things I want to argue about and you're going to do your best not to annoy me so much. JOEY [KENNY] It's almost hard to believe you're not married. JOSH Oh-ho-ho! [shakes head] Many have tried. Josh and Donna walk off. JOSH Did Toby find a country? DONNA The Federated States of Micronesia. JOSH Is that a real country? DONNA Yes, it's located 2500 miles southwest of Hawaii where you've never taken me. JOSH When was I supposed to take you to Hawaii? DONNA Anytime. It's something bosses do. JOSH The Federated States of Micronesia. DONNA They have some of the best scuba diving in the world. JOSH Okay. DONNA The Mantas, for instance, on the island of Yap, are prized among those who... They enter JOSH'S OFFICE. JOSH Stop talking, now. [turns on TV] C.J. [T.V.] ...with the point being that the Mandatory Minimum sentencing guide lines apply to crack cocaine as opposed to powder cocaine are fairly transparently racist. DONNA A guy takes his assistant on a quick trip to Maui. It's not like unheard of. JOSH Shhhh... CUT TO: INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM - DAY C.J. is doing the briefing. REPORTER C.J. C.J. Hang on, Mandatory Minimums requires a federal judge to sentence anyone convicted of possessing five grams of crack to at least five years in prison. It takes 100 times as much powder cocaine and 20 times as much heroine to get that sentence. 70% of all drug users are white. 80% of crack users are black. Federal Mandatory Minimums for crack users are a war on the black community. Clamoring for C.J. C.J. Danny. DANNY Is the White House making a crusade on defending the rights of drug users? C.J. Oh please. Katie, you have a question. KATIE Do you have any...? DANNY Hang on C.J. I was asking... C.J. The White House is committed to reversing the devastating affects of drug abuse in our society. We believe the best way to do that is to treat drug addiction as what the AMA has said it is, which is a medical problem. We do not believe in a phony war on drugs. The chief accomplishment of which would be to either kill or incarcerate black drug users. REPORTER C.J., are you aware that Steve Onorato... C.J. Steve Onorato is saying the White House supports legalization? REPORTER Yes. C.J. How surprising that in the midst of an important debate the President would be accused of being soft on drugs. Steve Onorato has a memo written by the Assistant Surgeon General. I'd be happy to produce similar memos written for every President in the last thirty years, including four Republicans. That's all, thank you everybody. More clamoring for C.J. as she leaves the podium. Danny rushes after her into the HALLWAY. DANNY Hi. There wasn't, I don't think, a huge reason to snap at me. C.J. It was a ridiculous question. DANNY No, it wasn't. C.J. Is the White House crusading for the rights of drug users? You know that's not what I meant. DANNY I do know that's not what you meant, but I don't count on everybody always understanding what the hell comes out of your mouth, when I can't even do it half the time. C.J. Oh, so you were just helping out. DANNY Yes, and you can't stay pissed at me forever. C.J. Let's find out. DANNY Mandy's thing went away, C.J. You see anybody writing about it? You hear anybody talking about it? Is there really a need to continue punishing me for something I...? C.J. Hang on. They stay silent until they walk into C.J.'S OFFICE. Danny is at C.J.'s heels as she closes the door. C.J. They talk about it here, Danny. They talk about it here. DANNY And they blame you? C.J. They don't say it. DANNY But they blame you. C.J. Yes. DANNY And you think you've let them down. Knock on the door. Carol pops her head in. CAROL C.J., you're late for the G-7 briefing. C.J. [to Danny] I have to go back to work. DANNY Okay. [leaves] CAROL C.J? C.J. Call the phone banks, check in with the poll. CAROL I checked in with the poll half hour ago. C.J. Check again. [leaves her office] FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT TUESDAY NIGHT 27 HOURS INTO POLLING CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Leo is on his couch working. Margaret enters and shuts the door. MARGARET Leo. LEO Yeah? MARGARET C.J.'s here. LEO Okay. MARGARET Want to hear a joke? LEO [looks up] Uh... Okay. MARGARET You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France? LEO Why? MARGARET 'Cause in France, one egg is an 'oeuf.' [beat] Okay, C.J.'s here. LEO Okay. Leo looks warily puzzled at Margaret as she leaves. C.J. comes in. C.J. Hi. LEO Hey. C.J. The lid is on. LEO You told me. C.J. Hmm? LEO You called me an hour ago and told me it was a full lid. C.J. Yeah... I'm going to the phone banks to check in with the poll. LEO Okay. C.J. Leo, this is a small thing and I hate to bring it up. LEO What? C.J. I was in with the President this morning, AND he mentioned that you told him that when you asked for predictions, everyone said we'd hold steady at 42. LEO Yeah? C.J. But, I didn't say that. I said we'd go up five points. LEO I meant in general, on average. C.J. Yeah. LEO C.J., like lopping off the score from the East German judge. C.J. Leo, it wasn't woman's intuition. I think it's strange.... LEO Don't read too much into it. C.J. I'm saying its strange my take wasn't... LEO I'm saying don't read too much into it. [beat] All right? C.J. Okay. LEO Anything else? C.J. No, I'm going to check the phone banks. CUT TO: INT. CENTRAL PHONE BANKS/NATIONAL STRATEGIES GROUP - NIGHT Joey and Josh are arguing, while Mandy is sitting nearby looking somewhat tired, bored, and thoroughly fed up with Josh and Joey. Kenny interprets. JOSH Theodore Roosevelt said... JOEY Josh! JOSH Let me tell you what Theodore Roosevelt said. JOEY Okay. JOEY [KENNY] What do I care what Theodore Roosevelt says? JOSH Because the Republicans are going to bring it up. JOEY [KENNY] The Republicans aren't going to put it on the table. JOSH He said, "We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language. For we intend to see that the crucible turns our people out as Americans, and not as dwellers in a polyglot boarding house." KENNY What kind of boarding house? JOSH Polyglot. It means... ah... having knowledge of or speaking... JOEY [KENNY] I know what 'polyglot' means. JOSH They why did you ask me? JOEY [indicating Kenny] He asked you! JOSH My point is... MANDY Will the two of you shut up, or the three of you. However many of you are talking, could half of you stop? JOSH Mandy's wound a little tight during polling windows. C.J. [enters into the area] What are you all doing here? JOSH Here's another laid-back member of our team. C.J. What are you all doing here? JOSH Mandy's here cause she's suppose to be. Joey's here because Al Kiefer told her to stop by... C.J. And what are you doing here? JOSH I'm kind of in charge of morale. C.J. Josh. JOSH The calls are going great. C.J. I'm trying to meet a deadline, Josh. I've got a 48-hour window and you can't stand here distracting the female callers. JOSH [to the room] Have I been distracting the female callers? WOMEN No. C.J. Josh. JOSH Not even a little bit? C.J. This is what I'm saying. JOSH The window's fine. It's a good response rate. They're making their quotas. Stop bothering me. C.J. Did Josh mention he's in charge of morale? JOSH Yes, I am. And as such, I'm going out to get coffee for everyone 'cause a few hundred volts of caffeine is just what the doctor ordered around here. [to Joey] And you should've been more impressed that I was able to quote Theodore Roosevelt. JOEY [KENNY] I was impressed that you knew what 'polyglot' meant. JOSH 760 S.A.T. word, baby. [exits to get coffee] CUT TO: EXT. A TREE LINED STREET - NIGHT Laurie and Janeane are walking, laughing, and drunk. Sam is waiting nearby on a set of stairs. SAM You are both drunk and disorderly. LAURIE Oh my God. SAM Happy graduation. LAURIE How did you...? JANEANE Surprise! LAURIE Janeane? SAM We worked in cahoots. JANEANE We did. LAURIE You planned this? This is why you dragged me back to your apartment. JANEANE Oh, are you glad that I dragged you back to my apartment? LAURIE Yes. JANEANE Well then, be quiet, and I'll be upstairs. Janeane takes a champagne bottle from Laurie and heads up the steps to her door. SAM Good night, Janeane. LAURIE Good night, Janeane. [to Sam] What'd you get me? SAM A graduation gift. LAURIE Is it a briefcase? Did I just ruin it? I only asked because a briefcase is the typical law school graduation gift, and when I said 'typical', I don't mean boring. I just mean basic, and when I say basic, I don't mean boring, either. Sam hands her a small long box. SAM Open the box. LAURIE You bought me a pen? SAM It's a good one. It writes upside down and you can use that pen in outer space. Laurie chuckles and closes the box. LAURIE Where's my present? Sam reaches into a bag on the steps and pulls out a briefcase. Laurie is stunned. SAM Happy graduation, counselor. LAURIE Thank you. Sam hugs Laurie. SAM Way to go, Laurie. LAURIE Thank you. We cut to a view through a camera viewfinder as someone takes a couple pictures of Sam and Laurie hugging each other. SAM I have to go. You spending the night here, or are you going to take off? LAURIE No, I'm going to go upstairs to Janeane's. She's got a... A car starts up and squeals away. SAM Did you see anybody get into that car? Laurie and Sam stare down the empty street. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY WEDNESDAY MORNING 36 HOURS INTO POLLING CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE AREA - DAY Sam is waiting outside. Toby comes out of C.J.'s office. Toby and Sam head to see the President. TOBY He's ready to see us. SAM What'd he say? TOBY He said, "Get your ass over here." SAM I've drafted a letter of resignation. TOBY Well you're not going to give it to him, Sam, because that would deny me the pleasure of throwing you out through a plate glass window. SAM You have every right to say that. TOBY Thank you for acknowledging that right. SAM Toby... TOBY I should keep you on a leash, you know that? They run into Leo. SAM Leo... LEO I'm talking to C.J., then I'm talking to you. TOBY Ten-foot chain around your neck. I bolt you to your desk and have someone come in and feed you. CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - DAY C.J. is at her desk on the phone. C.J. [into phone] I'm going to check, but I'm almost certain the President was referring to the NASDAQ composite and not the 30-year Treasury yield. [listens] Not the DOW Industrials, the NASDAQ composite. Leo barges into C.J.'s office and slams the door, startling C.J. C.J. [into phone] Okay, someone here is going to get back to you. [hangs up] LEO How do you not tell me until this morning? C.J. Leo... LEO How do you not call me last night? C.J. We didn't know anything last night. [stands up] LEO Sam called you. C.J. That's right. He met the girl and saw a suspicious car. I'm not going to call up the White House Chief of Staff in the middle of the night because someone started a car. LEO C.J., if it was... C.J. I was handling it, Leo. It took me three hours to confirm there was a picture, and another hour to find out who has it. LEO Who has it? C.J. The London Daily Mirror. They paid a waitress friend of hers $50,000 to set it up and confirm that she was a call girl. LEO When is it running? C.J. It'll run later today. American Press has it tomorrow morning. LEO He was giving her a graduation present? C.J. Yeah. LEO Work the Post and the Times. C.J. Yeah. Leo leaves as C.J. sits back down in her chair in relief. CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE PORTICO - DAY Sam, Toby, and Bartlet are walking and enter through one of the glass doors. BARTLET You never paid this girl to have sex? SAM No sir. TOBY They didn't have that kind of relationship, sir. Except once, and that time he didn't know what was happening. BARTLET Well, that makes two of us. TOBY Mr. President, Sam has always been completely above board about his relationship with Laurie. BARTLET Laurie's the girl? SAM Yes, sir. TOBY He told us about it right after his first contact with her nine months ago. The fact that she was putting herself through law school, under circumstances that were less than good, has to mean something, as is the fact that Sam's word is unimpeachable. BARTLET Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam? TOBY I know it's strange, sir. But I'm feeling a-a... certain big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously, I'd like that feeling to go away as soon as possible. But for the moment, I think there's no danger in the White House standing by Sam and aggressively going after the people who set him up. Sam looks at Toby a bit stunned. BARTLET [big sigh] Sam, you're going to spend the morning in the White House Counsel's office finding out if you've broke any laws. SAM Yes, sir. BARTLET You should also call the girl... what's her name? SAM Laurie. BARTLET You should call her and tell her the White House deeply regrets the phenomenal inconvenience she's about to experience. SAM Yes, sir. BARTLET You might also want to point out to her that she probably has a cause of action against the paper. SAM Yes, sir. BARTLET And you should tell her that if she passes her Bar exam, the U.S. Attorney General will personally see to it that she's admitted to the Bar. SAM Yes, sir. BARTLET Tell her the President of the United States says congratulations on getting her degree. SAM Yes, sir. BARTLET That's all. SAM Thank you, Mr. President. Sam, still stunned beyond belief, leaves THE OVAL OFFICE. BARTLET It's nice when we can do something for prostitutes once in a while, isn't it? TOBY Yes, sir. CHARLIE [enters] Mr. President. BARTLET Are we ready to go? CHARLIE Ambassador Cochran's in the Mural room and Ted Mitchell's waiting outside. BARTLET Where are we putting Lobell and his people? CHARLIE In the Roosevelt room. BARTLET He's going to have a lot of staff with him. TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET I don't know what any of them do, but there they are where ever Lobell goes, 14-15 guys.... CHARLIE Mr. President. BARTLET I'm going to take care of this first and I'll see you across the hall. TOBY Thank you, Mr. President. [leaves] BARTLET Who's in the Mural room? CHARLIE Ken Cochran. BARTLET You did it again. CHARLIE I'm sorry, sir? BARTLET When you said the name 'Cochran', it was like you knew him. CHARLIE No, sir. BARTLET I have a sense about these things. CHARLIE Yes, sir. BARTLET A finely honed sense. CHARLIE It's failing you at the moment, sir. BARTLET Cochran's in the Mural room? CHARLIE Yes sir. BARTLET Why don't you go sit with him and send in Ted Mitchell. CHARLIE Yes sir. BARTLET Thank you. SECRETARY [enters] Mr. President. BARTLET Yes, of course. [takes a pen and signs something] Thank you. SECRETARY Thank you, sir. She leaves as TED MITCHELL enters. BARTLET Ted. TED MITCHELL Mr. President. BARTLET Thank you for coming. They hug. TED Oh, it's my pleasure. BARTLET You're looking good. TED Oh, I feel good. BARTLET How is Mary? TED She sends her love. [sits down] BARTLET All right, listen. I have something to do in the next room. Let me just tell you that I need a favor. TED Oh, of course, sir. BARTLET I need you to hire a guy. TED Who, sir? BARTLET A former ambassador to Bulgaria. TED Who is that, sir? BARTLET Ken Cochran. TED Well, isn't Ken Cochran the current ambassador to Bulgaria? BARTLET Not for long. Look, he's a good man, a smart man; I think he'd make a very good corporate officer. TED Why is he being fired, sir? BARTLET Gross incompetence. I'll be right back. He leaves a confused Ted sitting in the Office. Bartlet walks through the OUTER OVAL OFFICE. Nancy walks in. NANCY Good morning, sir. BARTLET Good morning, Nancy. NANCY Senator Lobell's in the Roosevelt room. BARTLET Yeah, I'll be right in. He opens the door to THE MURAL ROOM. KEN COCHRAN and Charlie had been waiting inside. KEN COCHRAN Mr. President. BARTLET Ken. They shake hands. COCHRAN It's good to see you again, sir. BARTLET Thank you for flying in on such short notice. COCHRAN Of course, Mr. President. What can I do for you? BARTLET Resign. COCHRAN Excuse me? BARTLET You've been having an affair with the daughter of the Prime Minister and that doesn't work for me. But neither does the newspaper article saying you're having an affair with the daughter of the Prime Minister. So, I need you to resign. You're going to get a job offer from Ted Mitchell for a lot more money than you're making now, that's why you left the Embassy. I'll be back in a minute. Bartlet leaves. Charlie closes the door. COCHRAN Well, this is outrageous. He wipes his face and hands nervously with a handkerchief. COCHRAN This is outrageous and I'll explain that to him when he comes back in here. CHARLIE Yes, sir. COCHRAN Have we met? CHARLIE Sir? COCHRAN You look very familiar to me. Have we met? CHARLIE Yes, sir. COCHRAN Where? CHARLIE I was a waiter at the Gramercy club. COCHRAN Charlie? CHARLIE Yes, sir. COCHRAN Charlie! CHARLIE Yes, sir. COCHRAN It's good to see you again. [goes to shake Charlie's hand] CHARLIE Yes, sir. COCHRAN Under strange circumstances, which when the President comes back, I'll explain.... CHARLIE Yes, sir. COCHRAN I resigned my membership in that club, by the way. CHARLIE Did you? COCHRAN Oh yeah. I find exclusive clubs to be repugnant. CHARLIE I couldn't help but notice that didn't stop you from joining up in the first place. COCHRAN Now, that's out of line. That's out of line and that shouldn't have been said. And you've forgotten that you're addressing an U.S. Ambassador. CHARLIE I apologize, sir. COCHRAN I'm sorry to do this, but I'd like to speak to your supervisor. CHARLIE [looking perplexed] Well, I'm personal aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now looking for a back door to this place to shove you out of. But, I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint. BARTLET [comes back in] Thanks for waiting. COCHRAN Mr. President. Clearly this young man, who works for you, has told you something about our past, and I'd like to say here and now... BARTLET It doesn't have anything to do with... Oh, wait a second. You two have a past? CHARLIE Sir? BARTLET You mocked my finely honed sense. CHARLIE Yes sir. BARTLET You stood there in my face... COCHRAN Sir. BARTLET It's done Ken. Ted Mitchell's going to put you on the Board of Directors, and please remember that I have a lot of affection for your wife, and I would hate to see her be made a fool of. COCHRAN I think it would be appropriate at this time, Mr. President, to make a confession. BARTLET What's that? COCHRAN [smuggly] I never voted for you. BARTLET Well, thanks for trying, but here I am anyway. Got to go. Bartlet leaves into the HALLWAY. He heads for THE ROOSEVELT ROOM, where Toby is waiting outside. TOBY All set? BARTLET Look at that. 14 staffers in there. TOBY You have quite a huge staff, too, Mr. President. BARTLET Yeah, but I don't walk around with them, you know? Both enter. MAX LOBELL is waiting inside with a number of his staffers. BARTLET Good morning. MAX LOBELL Good morning, Mr. President. Please allow me to introduce Bob Simon, Peter Rapman.... BARTLET Max, I don't need to know all the names. It's okay. Please, sit down. LOBELL All right then. BARTLET You know what we're doing here, right? LOBELL We're going to talk about soft money. BARTLET We're going to do more than talk about it. LOBELL Okay. BARTLET We agree on nothing, Max. LOBELL Yes, sir. BARTLET Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes, you name it, we disagree. LOBELL You know why? BARTLET 'Cause I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egg head, communist. LOBELL Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-totin', redneck son-of-a-bitch. BARTLET Yes, you are. LOBELL We agree on that. BARTLET We also agree on campaign finance. LOBELL Yes, sir. BARTLET So, Max. LOBELL Yes, sir? BARTLET Let's work together on campaign finance. LOBELL You don't have the votes in the House. BARTLET I don't need them. 1978, the FEC voted a regulatory rule that opened the door to soft money. The FEC can close it again with 4 of the 6 votes. We don't need a law. LOBELL And how are you going to get the four votes? BARTLET Two seats opened up, I nominated Bacon and Calhoun. LOBELL That's two. BARTLET Barry Haskel was with us already. We took him out of the closet. LOBELL How are you going to get the 4th seat to open up? BARTLET Toby's going to take care of that right away. Max, can I count on your support to confirm my candidates? LOBELL And what do I get in exchange? BARTLET [beat] The thanks of a grateful President. LOBELL Good answer, sir. BARTLET [to Toby] Go. Toby leaves. BARTLET [to Lobell] Thank you. They shake hands. CUT TO: INT. COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - DAY TOBY [enters] Mr. Kassenbach. HENRY KASSENBACH Yeah. TOBY Hi, I'm Toby Ziegler. [shakes Kassenbach's hand] KASSENBACH Very nice to meet you. TOBY The President thinks you've done an excellent job on the Federal Election Commission and would like to extend his warmest congratulations. KASSENBACH On what? TOBY On being named the next ambassador to the Federated States of Micronesia. FADE TO: EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT WEDNESDAY NIGHT POLLING COMPLETE CUT TO: INT. C.J.'s OFFICE - NIGHT C.J. is staring out her window as Josh enters her office. JOSH It's in. C.J. turns away from the window. C.J. Yeah. JOSH You've talked to them? C.J. They sealed it in an envelope, sent it by courier. JOSH So, Joey mentioned she talked to you. C.J. Yeah. JOSH She said, "You think you only have so many times left you can walk into the Oval Office and sing a song." C.J. She said, "Sing a song"? JOSH No, that's what I thought she said. I'm trying to pick up some sign and right now we're doing it by letters of the alphabet. So I had Kenny come over and interpret it, and it turns out she said "you think you only have so many times left you can come into the Oval Office and say you're wrong." C.J. He hasn't been calling my number that much, Josh. JOSH He did on this. This last three weeks, the media strategy was yours. C.J. I know. JOSH You should listen to Joey. Holding at 42 is a good number. You shouldn't expect a five-point bump. C.J. I do expect it. JOSH Okay. [beat] He thinks of you like a daughter, C.J. C.J. That's not a good enough reason to keep me here. JOSH You'll come as soon as you get it? C.J. Yup. JOSH Cause we're all waiting over there. C.J. Yeah. Josh leaves. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT Bartlet, Leo, Toby, Sam, Joey, Kenny, and Mandy are all waiting. LEO They're delivering it to her? MANDY Yeah. LEO And she's going to bring it right here. MANDY Yeah. LEO Okay. Long silence as Charlie comes in. He gives Bartlet a cup of coffee. BARTLET Kassenbach was okay? TOBY I'm sorry, sir? BARTLET Kassenbach was okay? TOBY He's gonna be an ambassador; he feels pretty good. BARTLET Did you tell him about the weather? TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET Scuba diving? TOBY [chuckling] Yes, sir. BARTLET Full diplomatic immunity? TOBY Yes sir. Though, there really aren't a... a lot of laws in Micronesia, sir. BARTLET Sure. JOSH [enters] Good evening. BARTLET Good evening, Josh. JOSH I just saw C.J. She'll be here with it in a minute. LEO Okay. JOSH Joey and I have been working on a counter argument to Alexis de Tocqueville. BARTLET We're having a fight with Alexis de Tocqueville? JOEY [KENNY] Mr. President, please don't get him started. JOSH Joey, what say you to the position that with ethnic warfare spreading around the globe, and in particularly in Eastern Europe, it's only a matter of time before it reaches our shores and making English the official language of the United States will safeguard against the destruction of our national identity and help us avoid ethnic strife? What say you to that? Joey blows a big raspberry. JOSH You see that? That's what I've been dealing with all week. JOEY [KENNY] Mr. President, 72% of Hispanics are strongly opposed to such a law. The Republicans will never put it on the table because they'll risk losing the second largest ethnic block of voters in the country. But if you need a counter argument, then I'd mention to Monsieur de Tocqueville, over here, that aside from it being bigoted and unconstitutional, it's ludicrous to think that laws need to be created to help protect the language of Shakespeare. JOSH Okay, that's all I was looking for, that one line. Took you four days. Joey blows a big raspberry again. JOSH She did it again. BARTLET Yeah. Joey sits back smugly. Another long silence. BARTLET What kind of briefcase did you get her, Sam? SAM Sir? BARTLET What kind of briefcase? SAM Coach Beekman in British tan with brass hardware. BARTLET That's nice. SAM Yes, sir. BARTLET Andare makes a nice model. Comes in black or brown, hand stained, fit a laptop, notebooks, the works. TOBY This conversation is surreal. BARTLET Trieste in Milan makes a nice briefcase. C.J. quietly enters with an envelope in her hands and makes her way across the room to Bartlet. C.J. Good evening, Mr. President. The full polling book is 400 pages long and it's still being put together. I have the top sheet results. LEO What does it say? C.J. I was wrong. We went up nine points. C.J. smiles. Leo smiles and starts to laugh, but catches himself. There are smiles all around. BARTLET Okay, what's next? LEO We should talk about the new projections. Everyone starts talking at once. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 1.21 -- 'Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics' Original Airdate: May 10, 2000, 9:00 PM EST Transcript By: Susan Chang