Sam (Rob Lowe) and Toby (Richard Schiff) are dispatched to Connecticut for some damage control and to secure the secret release of President Bartlet’s (Martin Sheen) choice, Roberto Mendoza (Edward James Olmos) for the Supreme Court, who has been jailed for alleged drunk driving and resisting arrest. Meanwhile, Josh (Bradley Whitford) is a guest lecturer at a college class to talk about working for the President and he recounts the previous week’s flare-ups, which include: his feeble attempt to fill in as the White House spokesman at a press conference where he promises that the President has “a secret plan to fight inflation,” and the media glare that engulfs the African-American HUD secretary, Debbie O’Leary (CCH Pounder) who publicly labeled a prominent Republican as a racist.
THE WEST WING 'CELESTIAL NAVIGATION' TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN STORY BY: DEE DEE MYERS & LAWRENCE O'DONNELL JR. DIRECTED BY: CHRISTOPHER MISIANO TEASER FADE IN: INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT DAVID NESSLER, a lecturer, is standing on the stage. Students are taking their seats. NESSLER Good evening. Welcome to the third installment of this year's Marjorie Dupont lecture series. I see by the size of the turnout that you're excited to meet tonight's guest. So let me spend some time... Backstage, Josh is talking on the phone with Sam. JOSH What're you talking about? SAM He was arrested. JOSH For what? Sam is standing outside on a street, talking on the phone. SAM Drunk driving, resisting arrest, and I think disorderly conduct. JOSH You think? SAM This thing's about 30 minutes old, Josh. I don't know exactly what happened. JOSH What do we know? SAM Mendoza doesn't drink. JOSH He's arrested for drunk driving. SAM Roberto Mendoza doesn't drink, Josh. JOSH How much does the press know? SAM They don't know anything. JOSH The cops haven't leaked it? SAM I swear to God, I don't think the cops know. JOSH They don't know that they've arrested Roberto Mendoza? SAM They don't know it's that Roberto Mendoza. JOSH I've got this thing now. A cab pulls up and Sam gets in. SAM I got a cab. [to driver] The White House. [to Josh] I'll let you know what's going on. JOSH Stay ahead of the pace, Sam, and have Toby page me. We don't even know if this guy's called a lawyer. Is he sitting in a jail cell right now? [beat] You're not there anymore, are you? I'm talking to no one at all right now. [closes phone] Josh stands wait backstage. We can hear the lecturer telling the audience about him. NESSLER ...Beltway, where he worked as floor manager to the House Minority whip and chief of staff for Congressman Earl Brennan. After serving as senior political director for Jed Bartlet's Presidential campaign, he was appointed Deputy White House Chief of Staff. Please welcome Joshua Lyman. The audience starts to applaud as Josh comes on stage. He shakes hands with the lecturer. JOSH Thank you. Thank you very much. NESSLER Good to see you. JOSH Thanks David. Good to see you. NESSLER Have a seat. [They both sit.] Just slip that mike on there. JOSH [puts on mic] Here. NESSLER Josh, you're here to tell us what it's like to work for the President. JOSH I'll do my best. CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Sam walks inside the office, where C.J. is waiting. C.J. What happened? SAM It's not as bad as you think, C.J. C.J. Was the President's nominee for the Supreme Court just arrested for drunk driving? SAM Yes. C.J. Then it's pretty bad, isn't it? SAM Sure. C.J. I thought he doesn't drink. SAM He doesn't drink. C.J. He was tonight. SAM C.J., we've vetted the man. I'm not saying he's not a heavy drinker, I'm saying he doesn't drink. C.J. Then what was he pulled over for? SAM Driving while being...Hispanic. C.J. Does Toby know? TOBY [enters] I stepped off the edge of the world. SAM [to C.J.] Yes. TOBY Where'd this happen? SAM Wesley, Connecticut. C.J. Why'd he refuse the Breathalyzer? TOBY 'Cause he's a crazy man who's out to ruin my life. SAM Toby? TOBY That's what he's out to do. Has anyone posted bail? SAM No. TOBY Why not? SAM They can't find a judge. TOBY Why not? C.J. It's not Cook County, Toby. It's Friday night in Wesley, Connecticut. TOBY Believe me when I tell you this, C.J. I will figure out a way to blame this on you. C.J. I have no doubt about that. LEO walks in. LEO Have someone find his lawyer and talk to him. Sam, there's an Air Force Lear jet with its motor running. Fly to Westchester County airport, rent a car, drive to Wesley, and get the next associate Justice of the Supreme Court out of jail. C.J., Sam sees one reporter when he gets off that plane, I'm gonna blame you. C.J. Toby's got you covered there. Sam and C.J. start to leave. TOBY I'm going with Sam. LEO Toby. TOBY The judge and I are gonna have an abrupt conversation. LEO I want my phone to ring once every 15 minutes. I want to know what's going on! Toby, Sam and C.J. leave the office. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT The lecture series continues. NESSLER Josh, why don't you start by telling us about a typical day at the White House? JOSH Well, the first thing I'll tell you is, there's no such thing. [audience laughs] JOSH [cont.] There's a schedule and there's a structure to be sure, and to a certain extent it starts out as a 9-to-5 job, but you can pretty much count on it being blown to hell by 9:30. [audience laughs] NESSLER Give us an example. JOSH I-I'll give you an example from this week. In fact, the story I'm about to tell you all happened within the last 36 hours. Anyone who's been reading the papers in the last few days has probably been following along with what we call the news cycle that wouldn't end. Depending on how you look at it, it started either with a cabinet secretary losing her temper, a committee chairman baiting her during a hearing, the President answering a question he shouldn't have, a dentist appointment, or me being stupid. [audience laughs] For the record, I'd like to say that I don't think it was as much my fault as other people do. [audience laughs] One thing's for sure, it started out as a day that was supposed to trumpet the President's vision for educational reform. CUT TO: INT. PRESS BRIEFING ROOM - PREVIOUS MORNING Sam, Toby, and C.J. are in the empty press briefing room, going over the next briefing. SAM Give me the bullet points. C.J. I understand this stuff. SAM Excellent. C.J. I really do. SAM I have complete confidence in you. C.J. Thank you. TOBY Give him the bullet points. C.J. I feel bathed in your confidence as well, Toby. TOBY C.J.? C.J. Forgive student loans to people who become teachers -- TOBY And? C.J. -- and spend at least three years teaching in a rural or inner-city school. Give cash bonuses to people who leave other careers to become teachers and provide federal money for grants to individual school districts to use older, more experienced teachers to train younger, less experienced teachers. TOBY Should note that half of all new teachers quit in the first three years. C.J. It's right here on my index card, Toby. [shows him index card] TOBY Very good, then. JOSH [comes in the door] Toby. TOBY Yeah. JOSH Got a minute? TOBY Yeah. Josh and Toby head out one door, as C.J. and Sam get ready to leave by the other. C.J. Thank you both. SAM Hey, you know what? C.J. What? SAM What time is your briefing? C.J. Eleven o'clock. SAM We should push it to one o'clock. Sam and C.J. leave the briefing room into the HALLWAY. Carol follows them behind. C.J. I thought about that. SAM Do it after the bill signing. Let this be the story. Let's control the news cycle. C.J. Carol, let's move the briefing to one. CAROL You can't. C.J. Why not? CAROL You have the thing. C.J. Yes, and this is a perfect excuse to postpone the thing. CAROL You really don't wanna do that. SAM You have a thing? C.J. I have a dentist appointment at noon. SAM What's wrong? C.J. Nothing's wrong. SAM C.J.? C.J. I'm experiencing some pain. SAM For how long? C.J. About a month now, but it'll go away by itself. SAM When? C.J. When I die, Sam. [to Carol] Carol, cancel the appointment. [walks into her office] SAM Carol, set the briefing for two o'clock. Keep the appointment. C.J. Sam! They enter C.J.'S OFFICE. SAM Your teeth are the best friends you got, C.J. C.J. They are? SAM You take care of them, they'll take care of you. C.J. When'd you start talking like this? SAM I'm nuts for dental hygiene. C.J. Go away. Now. SAM Okay. [leaves] CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Josh and Toby head for the Communications Office. Josh has just told Toby some news. TOBY She called him a racist? JOSH She didn't use that word. TOBY What word did she use? JOSH Well, yes, she used that word. Toby and Josh walk in the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE. TOBY Bonnie. Ginger. GINGER Yes? TOBY I want anything that might be on the wire already about the HUD Secretary calling Jack Wooden a racist. BONNIE You want it now? TOBY No, Bonnie, I want it at whatever leisurely pace you two feel... BONNIE I'm just asking. TOBY I want it now. [to Josh] On C-SPAN, she called him a racist? JOSH Nah, not just Wooden. She was pretty careful to include all Republicans. [chuckles] TOBY Why are you good humored about this? JOSH She was baited. TOBY Don't care. JOSH She was baited and she was right. TOBY Good for her. MANDY [walks in, carrying a sheet of paper] Excuse me, Josh. Did you know that Deborah O'Leary called...? TOBY Is that a wire story? JOSH What's it say? MANDY [reads from paper] 'Wooden's lengthy recitation of problems confronting public housing drew an angry response from Secretary O'Leary.' Here's what she said: ''Public housing has serious problems, Mr. Chairman, I don't deny that. But if you and your colleagues in the Republican party...'' TOBY [groans] No! MANDY [continues reading] ''...were as invested in solving the problems associated with poverty as you are in scoring political points on the backs of poor people and minorities, you might just see the value.' 'Are you calling me a racist?' Wooden shot back.' TOBY 'Of course not,' she answered wisely? MANDY [reading] ''If the shoe fits,' responded the secretary.' TOBY Well, wasn't that clever of her? [goes in his office] CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT JOSH Donald Morales, who is the spokesman for the Department of Housing and Urban Development, and who was wishing he hadn't gotten out of bed that morning, confirms what happened. Now there's the matter of telling the President. CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - PREVIOUS MORNING Bartlet is just reading the story. Toby, Josh, Sam and Leo are with him. BARTLET 'If the shoe fits!' TOBY Gets a little bit worse, actually. BARTLET [reading] 'When reporters confronted Secretary O'Leary in a hallway outside the hearing room, she defended...' Oh come on! LEO Don't worry about it. BARTLET Leo! LEO I'll take care of it. [to staff] She on her way here? JOSH She'll be here in half an hour. CHARLIE [knocks and comes in] Mr. President? BARTLET Yeah. [to staff] Let's go. [They all head out of the Oval Office.] 'If the shoe fits.' Is that the best she could do? LEO Of her many transgressions, Mr. President, let's not worry about she resorted to clichE. They all walk in THE MURAL ROOM, which is full of reporters. HERALD Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States. CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT Josh continues to talk. JOSH The President spoke briefly. [pause] The President has never spoken briefly in his life! [audience laughs] But, he spoke. He signed the bill. He gave away the pens. Then he took a few questions from the press. Now, before I go on, it should be pointed out that according to every poll conducted in the universe, the issue that concerns Americans more than any other is education. Now, The President has just signed off on $700,000,000 in new money for education and announced a plan of aggressive education initiative. What do you suppose the first question from the press was? CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM - PREVIOUS MORNING DANNY Mr. President, do you agree with Secretary O'Leary that Congressman Wooden is a racist, and if not, do you plan on asking for her resignation? The President is sitting at a desk in the Mural Room, with Toby, Sam, Josh and Leo standing beside him. Danny is part of the group of reporters surrounding them. Cameras flash everywhere. BARTLET Let me say that I have great confidence in Deborah O'Leary. She's done a terrific job at HUD, helping thousands of people make the very difficult transition from joblessness and homelessness to more fulfilling and productive lives. Other reporters start to ask questions, but Danny cuts them off. DANNY I'm sorry, Mr. President. You didn't answer the question. BARTLET I was hoping you weren't going to notice that, Danny. DANNY I did, sir. BARTLET Then I will tell you that I agree the Republican Party does not have a comprehensive program for combating poverty in this country. That being said, there are countless Republicans who are working very hard to change their party's legacy on some of these issues. And I hope to be working with them to do just that. Reporters start asking questions again, but Danny takes over once again. DANNY I'm sure that was an answer to some question, Mr. President. It just wasn't the answer to mine. CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT JOSH If only we'd stopped it right there. If only we'd said, uh, 'Sorry, The President can't take any questions right now,' or, uh, 'We'll cover this in a briefing,' or, 'The building is on fire!' [audience laughs] But for some reason, it took us all a moment to realize that there was no Press Secretary in the room. CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM - PREVIOUS MORNING Bartlet continues to answer Danny's question. BARTLET Frankly, I think she went too far in assigning motive to Congressman Wooden and the Republican Party. REPORTER 1 Will you be speaking to her? BARTLET She'll be meeting with Leo McGarry. REPORTER 2 Will he ask her to apologize? BARTLET An apology'd be appropriate. Leo and Josh have just realized what Bartlet just said. LEO Oh, get him off. JOSH [fakes cough] Sam! SAM [steps forward and addresses the room] Folks, all this is gonna be covered in the two o'clock briefing. The President's late for lunch with the U.N. ambassador. I'm sorry. BARTLET [to reporters] Thank you everyone. [gets up and they head back towards the Oval Office] That went pretty well. LEO We'll fix it. TOBY Sam. SAM Yeah? TOBY The U.N. ambassador is in Portugal. SAM Okay. My bad. CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT JOSH Eight words. 'The President's not taking any questions right now.' If we'd just stepped in 30 seconds sooner. Josh's cellphone rings. JOSH [cont.] That's me. I'm sorry. I, uh-there's a thing. I have... I have to answer this now. This'll just, uh, take a second. This is weird, I know, but, uh, anyway... Josh takes off his mike, goes BACKSTAGE, and answers his phone. JOSH Yeah. TOBY Yeah, it's me. JOSH Are you there yet? CUT TO: EXT. CONNECTICUT HIGHWAY - NIGHT Sam is driving a car, and Toby is in the passenger seat. TOBY We're lost. JOSH You're lost? SAM We're not lost. TOBY You're from Connecticut. What exit do we want for Wesley? JOSH What? TOBY We missed the exit. SAM We didn't miss the exit. JOSH Toby, I'm kind of in the middle of something here. TOBY Just tell me. JOSH You bet buddy. CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - CONTINUOUS JOSH Call me when you know something. [closes his phone and gets back to his seat] Sorry about that. NESSLER Can you tell us what that was about? JOSH The, uh, trade deficit. Where was I? NESSLER If you'd only gotten there 30 seconds sooner. JOSH The day would've gone a lot differently. The President had said that Secretary O'Leary should apologize. The press wanted to know if she would be fired if she didn't and we didn't have an answer. She was coming up to the White House for a showdown. This was what the day was about now. And the day was about to get worse...because I was about to step to the plate. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: EXT. CONNECTICUT HIGHWAY - NIGHT Toby and Sam are still in the car. TOBY We're going the wrong way. SAM No, we're not. TOBY We're supposed to be going east. SAM We're going east. TOBY How do you know we're going east? SAM The sun rises in the east. TOBY It's dark outside! SAM Also, that bright star in the northern sky is Polaris. TOBY So what? SAM I'm using celestial navigation. TOBY Hey, Galileo, get off at the next exit and turn the car around. CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT Josh continues to tell his story. JOSH Secretary O'Leary was told that Leo McGarry wanted to see her as soon as possible. There was no question that she was going to be angry about the President publicly asking her to apologize, but at the moment, that was Leo's problem. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON Leo is talking to the Housing and Urban Development secretary, DEBORAH O'LEARY. O'LEARY I can't believe he did that, Leo. LEO Debbie. O'LEARY How could he? LEO You're pissed at us? O'LEARY How could he publicly demand that I apologize without hearing my side of the story first? LEO We blew the press today, we'll come to that. But Debbie, I've got videotape of your side of the story. O'LEARY The man's a racist. LEO Maybe so... O'LEARY Maybe! LEO Debbie. O'LEARY He's using his government authority to spit at poor people and minorities, which in his mind are the same thing. LEO Look... O'LEARY He's doing it because he can. He's doing it because he can score points with his narrow-minded constituents. LEO His narrow-minded constituents are also our narrow-minded constituents. O'LEARY Oh, for crying out loud, Leo. [yells] When are you guys gonna stop running for President? LEO When angels dance on pinheads, Debbie. We need their votes on any number of issues, including, by the way, the budget for the department of Housing and Urban Development. O'LEARY Attacking HUD is code for attacking blacks. LEO [dryly] Thanks. Having been born yesterday on a turnip truck... O'LEARY Do you not think it is my role as the highest-ranking African-American woman in government to point out that...? LEO I think, Debbie, your role first and foremost is to serve the President--a task today at which you failed spectacularly. O'LEARY Leo... LEO You're gonna apologize. O'LEARY [thinks for a moment] I'm sorry. LEO Not to me, Debbie. O'LEARY Look, I called it like I saw it. LEO Well, now you're gonna apologize for it. O'LEARY I can't. LEO You can. O'LEARY I won't. LEO [forcefully] You will. O'LEARY Is that an order? LEO You're doing great work, Deb. The President's nuts about you, always has been. He'll cry for three minutes after he fires your ass and then he'll say 'What's next?' O'LEARY Leo, if I've gotta go and ask Wooden for forgiveness, he's gonna lord it over me from now until the end of time. LEO It's the cost of doing business. O'LEARY [gives in] Done. LEO Deb, he's been trying to provoke you for months. When you give in to him, you surrender the high ground. O'LEARY How did it happen? LEO You forgot what your grandfather taught you. O'LEARY What was that? LEO 'Never argue with a drunk or a fool.' O'LEARY Is the President very angry with me? LEO Mostly he's upset that you couldn't come up with anything better than 'if the shoe fits.' [both chuckle] Good luck. O'LEARY Thank you. [leaves] CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT JOSH So that should've been it, right? C.J. Cregg does the two o'clock briefing, tells them Secretary O'Leary has an apology for Congressman Wooden. All questions on the matter will be handled by her spokesperson, Donald Morales, and redirects their attention to the 700 million bucks of yours that we just spent on teachers. [pause] Who here has had emergency root canal? CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON C.J. knocks at the door. She has a swollen cheek and is speaking out of the side of her mouth. JOSH Yeah. C.J. [muffled] Josh. JOSH What the hell happened? C.J. I had woot canaw. JOSH What happened to your cheeks? C.J. I had woot canaw. JOSH Why are you talking like that? C.J. [louder] I had woot canaw! JOSH Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself. C.J. I can suggest some othew things you can do wiff yourseff. JOSH Are you in pain? C.J. [shouts] I had woot canaw! [grabs her jaw with a pained expression] JOSH You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous. [walks out into the bullpen with C.J. following him] C.J. I have to cancew the bwiefing. JOSH You can't cancel the briefing. C.J. Wook at me. JOSH You'll be great. C.J. I can't do the bwiefing. JOSH Why not? C.J. I can't even say 'bwiefing.' JOSH You can't cancel the briefing, C.J. You got to wrap up O'Leary, you got to move them back to the bill signing. C.J. Yoshua! JOSH Sorry, did... did you just say my name? C.J. You weally think I can do it? JOSH Don't be insane, C.J. You're not going to a press briefing looking like Bullwinkle. C.J. Oh, so once again you'we just hawing a wittle fun! JOSH Yeah. C.J. Ha ha ha ha ha. They head back into JOSH's OFFICE. JOSH When can you take the cotton out? C.J. Two houws. I'w have Cawow cancew the bwiefing. JOSH No, we're still doing it. C.J. Who? JOSH Me. C.J. No way! JOSH C.J.? C.J. You get howstiwe. JOSH I get... hot stuff? C.J. Howstiwe. Howstiwe. You get howstiwe! JOSH I don't get hostile! I don't get randomly hostile, I get hostile when hostility's called for. C.J. Wet Sam do it. JOSH Sam went to Foggy Bottom. C.J. What's he doing in Fwoggy Bowtew? JOSH [laughs] I just wanted to see if I could make you say 'Foggy Bottom.' Sam's working with the speechwriters. C.J. Toby? JOSH Toby's with Leo and the President. C.J. Josh... JOSH [pulls on suit jacket and heads out] Hey there cats and kittens. This is Josh Lyman coming at you with your two o'clock briefing! C.J. Josh, pwease be vewy cawefuw. Twy vewy, vewy hawd not to destwoy us. JOSH You shouldn't say that C.J., you've got a great body... Here we go. Woo! CUT TO: INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON Carol is speaking into the P.A. system. Josh comes in and is stopped by Danny. CAROL Please take your seats, we'll start the briefing. Please take your seats. DANNY Josh. JOSH Hey, Danny. DANNY You're not gonna do this. JOSH Do the briefing? DANNY You're not gonna do this. JOSH I talk to reporters all the time. DANNY You really don't want to do this. JOSH Let me tell you something, mi compadre. You guys have been coddled. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your camp counselor, and I'm not you sixth grade teacher you had a crush on. I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale and I believe that my powers of debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House Press Corps. [heads to the podium] DANNY Okey-dokey. CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON C.J. is watching the briefing on the T.V. JOSH [on T.V.] Good afternoon, everybody. Would you take your seats. Uh, C.J. has a dental emergency, so I'll handle the briefing today. CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT JOSH I'd like to say a couple things in my own defense. First of all, everything was fine. I dispensed of the Deborah O'Leary matter with ease and poise. I opened the room up to questions while imposing a discipline I felt had been lacking in C.J.'s briefings. CUT TO: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON Josh is at the podium doing the briefing. JOSH I'm gonna take one question a piece. MIKE Josh! JOSH Mike. MIKE When was the last time the President has a cigarette? JOSH Mike, you sure you want your one question to be that stupid? CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS C.J. is still watching the briefing. A reporter, Katie, remarks on Josh's response. KATIE [on T.V.] It's not a stupid question, Josh. C.J. Oh my God. KATIE [on T.V.] If the President's going to continue to be so adamantly anti-tobacco, why is it unreasonable to ask if he's a smoker? CUT TO: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - CONTINUOUS JOSH The President quit smoking years ago. KATIE He bummed a cigarette from me on Air Force One two days ago. CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS C.J. Oh my God. CUT TO: INT. BRIEFING ROOM - CONTINUOUS JOSH Well, then, uh... Jonathan. JONATHAN So, you're not gonna answer Katie's question? JOSH I'll look into it. Danny? DANNY Josh, your comments were that the continuing drop in unemployment will create increased pressure on wages. In effect, driving them up. Is the President worried that this could lead to a resurgence of inflation? JOSH Let me emphasize the President is pleased that unemployment has dropped another point five percent as a result... DANNY I'm sure we all join the President in his joy, but I'm wondering if the President has a plan to fight the resulting inflation. JOSH The President will do everything in his power to maintain the robust economy that has created millions of new jobs, improved productivity and kept a lid on inflation. KATIE But he has no plan to address inflation specifically? JOSH Twenty-four PhD's and a Counsel of Economy Advisors, Katie. They have a plan to fight inflation. DANNY Is the reason you won't tell us about it that it's a secret? JOSH [sarcastic] Yeah, Danny. We have a secret inflation plan. CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS C.J. [now cringing] Oh my God! CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT JOSH I guess that's pretty much when the wheels came off the wagon. NESSLER Josh, right here is a good time to take our break. Everybody, let's stretch our legs for five minutes. Sign-up sheets for 202 are in the lobby. If you smoke, apparently you can bum a cigarette on Air Force One. Let's have a hand for our guest Joshua Lyman. The audience applauds. CUT TO: INT. LOBBY - NIGHT Josh comes out of the lecture hall into the lobby, where students are standing around. He dials his cell phone. STUDENT You're great. JOSH Thanks. CUT TO: EXT. CONNECTICUT HIGHWAY - NIGHT Toby and Sam are still in the car. Toby's phone rings. He answers it. TOBY Yeah. JOSH What's going on? TOBY Sam feels we're zeroing in on it. JOSH You haven't found it yet? TOBY We've been navigating by the North Star, which turned out to be the Delta shuttle from LaGuardia. It's a miracle we're not in Nantucket right now. [glares at Sam] JOSH Toby, how hard can it be to find the Wesley police station? TOBY I don't know, Josh, but while we're looking, can you tell me a little more about the President's secret plan to fight inflation? JOSH How long until you let up on me on that? TOBY Oh, it's gonna take a little while I would think. JOSH Call me when you know something. [hangs up] SAM There's a store open up there. I'm gonna pull over and ask 'em if they know where the Wesley police station is. TOBY Or you could just pull in there, [points] at the Wesley police station and ask them. SAM Hey! TOBY Yeah. SAM Look! TOBY Yeah. SAM We found it! TOBY Let's get this done and get outta here. They pull into the parking lot at the police station. They get out of the car. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. WESLEY POLICE STATION - NIGHT Sam goes up to the desk, where OFFICER PETER is reading the newspaper. Toby hangs back and paces. SAM Good evening. OFFICER PETER Evening. SAM [shows I.D.] My name is Sam Seaborn. I work for the President of the United States. Is your watch commander around? OFFICER PETER Is this a joke? SAM No. OFFICER PETER You walk in here. You tell me you work for the President. SAM [looks at officer's name tag] Officer Peter, we're in a certain amount of trouble tonight and the only thing I've got going for me is that you're in more trouble than we are. My name is Sam Seaborn, I work for the President and the sooner you reach the conclusion that I'm telling you the truth the better off we're all gonna be. Why don't you go get your watch commander? Officer Peter goes out of the room. Sam turns to Toby. SAM Let me tell you something. If we'd stayed on the Merritt parkway instead of getting of at exit 29 and going east to Greenwich, I don't think we'd wound up in Bridgeport so many times. TOBY Shut up. Officer Peter comes back with SERGEANT McNAMARA. SERGEANT McNAMARA I'm Sergeant McNamara. Can I help you folks? SAM Sergeant, I'm Sam Seaborn. I'm the Deputy White House Communications Director. That's my boss, Toby Ziegler. [gestures to Toby] SERGEANT McNAMARA I'm not really in the mood for a joke right now. SAM I know how you feel. You have Roberto Mendoza locked up back there. SERGEANT McNAMARA Sir, please state your business here, or I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. SAM My business is to tell you to unlock the cell and give me Mendoza. Officer Peter looks down at the newspaper in the table and tried to interrupt. OFFICER PETER Sergeant? SERGEANT McNAMARA You come in here at ten o'clock at night, and you tell me you're with the White House, and I'm just supposed to... OFFICER PETER Sergeant! Officer Peter shows the sergeant the newspaper. On the front page is a picture of President Bartlet with Toby. The caption reads 'President Bartlet Drafts Letter to Senate Leaders.' They look up at Toby, who just smiles. SAM Sergeant, you've arrested a federal judge who's the President's nominee for the U.S. Supreme Court. The police phone rings. SAM [cont.] You should get that. That's gonna be the Governor of Connecticut. CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT The lecture break is over, and Josh is talking again. JOSH Danny Concannon had thrown me a knuckle ball in the dirt, which I'd taken a big swing at and - just like that - the President had a secret plan to fight inflation. CUT TO: INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON Josh is still behind the podium, answering questions. REPORTER 1 Josh, when will the President unveil his secret plan? JOSH There is no secret plan! REPORTER 2 You said... JOSH [laughs] I was talking to Danny. I was kidding! REPORTER 3 These are people's jobs we're talking about, Josh. You wanna give us a straight answer? JOSH [looks flustered] I honestly can't remember the question. CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS C.J. groans and takes some painkillers. REPORTER 3 [on T.V.] Given the reduction in unemployment, does the President have a plan to fight the ensuing inflation? CUT TO: INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM - CONTINUOUS REPORTER 4 And if so, why is he keeping it a secret? Josh looks befuddled as Danny smiles triumphantly. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON Josh leaves the Briefing Room. Carol is standing at the door and gives him a dirty look, while Donna rushes up to him. They head for his office. DONNA Oh my God, Josh. I mean, oh my God! JOSH I can fix this. DONNA How? JOSH I can fix this. DONNA I don't think you can. JOSH [yells] This'd be a great time to feel a little support from you, Donna! DONNA You have my support, Josh. JOSH Do I? DONNA Yes. JOSH Okay, good, that's a start. Tell me what you think I should do right now. DONNA Go into your office and come up with a secret plan to fight inflation. JOSH [yells] That's support?! They come around the corner to see C.J. standing in the door of JOSH'S OFFICE. C.J. [yells] Joshua! JOSH Yeah, that's the face I wanted to see right now. C.J. What the heww happened in thewe? JOSH C.J.... C.J. You compwetewy impwoded! JOSH What'd I do? DONNA [translates] You completely imploded. JOSH I wouldn't say completely. C.J. You wewe vague, you wewe howstiwe, you wewe bewwigewant! Josh looks confused. DONNA [translates] Belligerent. C.J. You know what it's gonna take fow me to fix this? JOSH I'm gonna fix this. C.J. No, you'we not. You awe not evew awwowed in my pwess woom again! JOSH Donna, call up Toby's office and see if he was watching. As Donna leaves, they hear Toby yelling from the hall. TOBY [yells] Where the hell is he? JOSH Never mind. [to C.J.] Support me on this. C.J. No. JOSH Thanks. [Toby walks in.] Toby... TOBY Have you fallen on your head? JOSH Listen... TOBY Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard? JOSH I feel really bad about this. TOBY You do? JOSH Yes. TOBY [sarcastic] Oh, well then I guess that's all that really matters. JOSH Hey! TOBY That was some very good television, Josh, and I think four network news directors will bear me out on that tonight. JOSH I really think this isn't as bad as you're making it out to be. C.J. A secwet pwan to fight infwation! TOBY Okay, C.J., for a little while you're gonna have to write it down. SAM [bursts in] We have a problem. TOBY No kidding! SAM Not Josh. JOSH Praise God. SAM Although I've gotta say, telling a reporter his question's stupid's not like a page out of Dale Carnegie or anything. JOSH Thank you. TOBY What's the problem? SAM You're not gonna like it. TOBY Believe me, Sam, the only thing that could make my day worse is if Roberto Mendoza got involved. Sam just looks at Toby, who rolls his eyes and rubs his head. CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT JOSH Roberto Mendoza is the President's nominee to fill Crouch's seat on the Supreme Court. The President put Toby Ziegler in charge of his confirmation, which is a huge responsibility. A failed confirmation for the Court is a body blow to a presidency. Besides which, he's a brilliant jurist and we badly want him on the bench. The confirmation process is a tough needle to thread. You gotta make a lot of friends and Supreme Court nominees don't speak before their confirmation, they let the White House speak for them. Something Toby's had a little bit of trouble teaching Roberto Mendoza. CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM - PREVIOUS AFTERNOON C.J., Toby, Sam and Josh are waiting. Leo walks in. LEO He said the President was wrong? C.J. He said the Pwesident was wong to make Secwetawy O'Weawy apowogize- LEO What the hell is...? TOBY C.J. Sam, tell him. SAM He said the President was wrong to make Secretary O'Leary apologize. LEO To who? SAM To Wooden. LEO I'm saying, to whom did he say it to? TOBY Chicago Tribune. LEO I thought he's on vacation? SAM He is. LEO I thought he's on vacation in Nova Scotia? SAM He is. LEO What, they called him in Nova Scotia? SAM Yeah. LEO How the hell did they find him in Nova Scotia? JOSH They have telephones in Nova Scotia, Leo. It's not Amish country. LEO [glares at Josh] I really think of all the people in this building, Josh, you want to be the last person to speak right now. JOSH You bet. C.J. The Pwesident needs to be bwiefed on the events of the day. TOBY C.J., so help me if you use the words 'Pwesident' or 'bwiefed' again. LEO All right. The President lands in New Orleans in an hour and a half. There'll be no press at the Labor Conference. And when he's done he's getting right back on the plane and coming home. Wheels down is 3:00 a.m. He'll be back in the residence by 3:30. [starts to leave] JOSH Can I say something? LEO [annoyed, stops and turns back] What?! JOSH A lot of this is our fault. And the President probably isn't going to take this very well and we just want you to know that we will be there with you in spirit tomorrow morning. LEO You're gonna be there with me in every way imaginable, Josh. JOSH You bet. LEO [to all] 7:00 a.m. [leaves] CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT JOSH If you read the papers, you know that this not the first time this had happened. In the eight weeks since the President named his nominee, Judge Mendoza has, on various occasions, publicly criticized the American Bar Association, the AFL-CIO, and the New York state legislature. Three organizations without which this President would not have been elected. Putting out the Deborah O'Leary fire from earlier in the day had been the only thing we'd been successful at, and now Judge Mendoza had... Josh's phone rings again. JOSH [cont.] ...started it up again. I-I... I'm really very sorry, but I have to get this. [gets up and answers the phone] Yeah. SAM Josh. JOSH Yeah. CUT TO: INT. WESLEY POLICE STATION - NIGHT Sam updates Josh on what happened. SAM We're in. JOSH Where is he? SAM Toby's talking to him now. CUT TO: INT. WESLEY POLICE CELL - NIGHT Officer Peter is letting Toby into the cell where Judge Mendoza is lying on a cot. TOBY Hello Mr. Justice. How are you? MENDOZA Incarcerated, Toby. How're you? OFFICER PETER Do you need anything, Mr. Ziegler? TOBY No. Judge and I are gonna have a chat. [goes into the cell] FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT JOSH The hardest job in the White House is President. The second hardest job is not Chief of Staff, it's not National Security Advisor, and it's not Press Secretary, although I'm gaining a certain amount of respect for Press Secretaries. The second hardest job in the White House belongs to a 21 year old kid named Charlie Young. He's what's called the President's body man, his personal aide. He's with the President morning to night. He has a range of responsibilities, all of them difficult. But the one he hates most in this from time to time it is his job to wake the President up in the morning. And on this particular morning, the President had gone to sleep only three hours earlier. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY Early that morning, Charlie is talking on the phone. The operator, Helen, answers. HELEN Good morning, White House operator four. How may I direct your call? CHARLIE Good morning, Helen. It's Charlie. HELEN Hey babe. How was New Orleans? CHARLIE The President did very well. HELEN Have you been to sleep yet? CHARLIE Since when? HELEN Since yesterday. CHARLIE [laughs] Good one, Helen. It's time for the President's wake up call. HELEN Lucky you. Let me put you through. CUT TO: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Bartlet is asleep in his bedroom. The phone rings four times before he finally answers it sleepily. BARTLET What? CHARLIE Good morning, Mr. President. It's Charlie. I hope... BARTLET What could you possibly want right now? CHARLIE Sir, it's 6:30 a.m. and... BARTLET In the morning? CHARLIE Yes sir. And I wanted to remind you that... BARTLET I mean, what in the name of everything holy could you want right now? CHARLIE I wanted to remind you that you have a 7:00 a.m. at the Oval Office with senior staff, followed by your security and intelligence briefings, and a meeting with the Chairman of the Fed. Would you like me to have the stewards bring you some coffee and the Washington Post? BARTLET Who the hell is this? CHARLIE Sir. BARTLET And what could you possibly want? CHARLIE Sir. I need you to dig in now. It wasn't a nightmare. You really are the President. BARTLET All right. CHARLIE I'll have the stewards bring the coffee to your room. BARTLET I'll get up now. [hangs up the phone with difficulty] CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT JOSH Mendoza was summoned to the White House from his vacation in Nova Scotia. When you summon someone to the White House, you generally expect to see them within the hour. Judge Mendoza told us that he would see us in three days. Why three days? Because he was driving down to D.C., stopping in Connecticut to do some antiquing. Yet another thing we'd have to tell the President. Who, by the way, had still not woken up. CUT TO: INT. RESIDENCE HALLWAY - DAY Early that morning, Charlie comes around the corner to find BILLY, the steward, waiting outside the bedroom door. BILLY Charlie. CHARLIE Oh, come on. BILLY I've been knocking every few minutes or so, and I don't hear the shower running either. CHARLIE Thanks, Billy. Give me a minute, would you? BILLY You bet. CUT TO: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Charlie goes into the bedroom and turns on a few lamps. He tries to wake up Bartlet. CHARLIE Mr. President... Mr. President. [shakes the President] Mr. President... BARTLET [wakes up and quickly grabs Charlie's wrist] Charlie, are you aware you're committing a federal crime right now? CHARLIE I'll take my chances with the Feds, Mr. President. It's seven o'clock. BARTLET How did you know the First Lady wasn't going to be naked when you came in here? [looks at her empty side of the bed] Come to think of it, where the hell is my wife? CHARLIE Argentina. BARTLET That's right. CHARLIE Senior staff at the Oval Office, sir. So I'm gonna stand here while you get outta bed, take a shower and get dressed. [holds up the President's robe] BARTLET [finally gets up] Have you slept yet? CHARLIE No sir. BARTLET Good. Charlie helps the President put on his robe. CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY The senior staff are waiting inside. JOSH [to C.J.] How's your mouth? C.J. Well, the swelling's gone down. On the other hand, the painkillers have worn off. LEO He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington? SAM Yeah. LEO How's a person do that? SAM Oh, my guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford. They all look at Sam like he's crazy. Toby vocalizes it. TOBY Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that? Bartlet comes in from the Mural Room. BARTLET I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife's in Argentina. Let's get this over with. They all follow him into THE OVAL OFFICE, where Bartlet stands in front of his desk and they form a semi-circle around him. BARTLET What? LEO Mr. President, we experienced a few public relations, what's the word...? TOBY Catastrophes? LEO ...incidents in the few hours you were away last night. BARTLET What kind of incidents? Everyone looks at Josh, who is looking at his feet. LEO Josh. JOSH Yeah? [gets it] Oh. First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with. Though not really, and I'll get to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so that we could fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so was unable to brief. BARTLET Who did? JOSH I did. BARTLET Oh God. JOSH Yeah. A long story short, you're gonna be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation. BARTLET I have a secret plan to fight inflation? JOSH No. BARTLET Why am I gonna be reading that I do? JOSH It was suggested in the Press Room that you did. BARTLET By who? JOSH By me. BARTLET You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation? JOSH No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that. BARTLET Josh, I'm a little confused. JOSH Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic. There's no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid! BARTLET Okay, before we go on. C.J., if blood is gushing from the head wound you just received from a stampeding herd of bison, you'll do the press briefing. C.J. Yes sir. JOSH Mr. President... BARTLET A secret plan to fight inflation? JOSH There was no turning them back. I denied it for half an hour. They wouldn't take no for an answer. BARTLET Were you clear? JOSH I was crystal clear. They said, 'Do you think if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that be keep it a secret?' I said, 'Of course not!' BARTLET Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it? JOSH [looks stunned] When you put it like that... TOBY Mr. President, much as we'd love nothing more than to stand here and watch you beat the living crap outta Josh, there's actually a bigger fish to fry. BARTLET What did Mendoza do? TOBY He told the Chicago Tribune that you were wrong to admonish Secretary O'Leary and make her apologize. BARTLET I didn't, he did. [points at Leo] LEO You told me to. BARTLET You said you were gonna fix it. LEO I did fix it. BARTLET It's broken again, Leo. TOBY Frankly sir, that's 'cause your nominee for the Supreme Court's handling himself in a manner that's totally unprofessional. BARTLET We will have the first of what I think will a series of discussions about professionalism another time, Toby. Where is Mendoza? SAM He's on his way, sir. BARTLET Right now? SAM Yes, but he won't be here until the day after tomorrow. BARTLET Day after tomorrow? SAM Yes sir. BARTLET Is he coming in from Neptune? SAM He's vacationing with his wife and son, and they'd prefer to take a leisurely drive through eastern Canada and New England while stopping for some antique shopping in Connecticut. I imagine he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway, the 95... TOBY Sam. BARTLET Okay. We will wait for Mendoza. In the meantime, C.J., you will untangle the Press Corps. C.J. Yes sir. BARTLET And we will hope that nothing happens today to make this any worse. Although I certainly wouldn't bet the house on it. That is all. LEO Thank you, Mr. President. They all leave, except for Josh, who hangs back as Bartlet sits at his desk. JOSH Sir, I wanna tell you that I'm sorry and that this mess will be cleaned up in an adult and professional manner. BARTLET Good. JOSH [quietly] If anyone asks you, you quit smoking years ago, and the cigarette you bummed on Air Force One was for a friend. BARTLET Get out. JOSH You bet. CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - PRESENT JOSH And that was it. NESSLER What happened to Judge Mendoza? JOSH I'm sorry? NESSLER Did he ever get here from Nova Scotia? JOSH Actually, he's on his way right now. He's spending the night in Connecticut to do some antiquing. CUT TO: INT. WESLEY POLICE STATION - NIGHT Sam just got coffee from a vending machine and is drinking. SERGEANT McNAMARA [nervously] He's been in there a little while now. SAM Yeah. SERGEANT McNAMARA I'm the one that pulled him over, you know. His driving was erratic. Still not entirely convinced he hadn't been drinking. SAM Well, you have a problem there. SERGEANT McNAMARA What's that? SAM Judge Mendoza has chronic persistent hepatitis, which is a non-progressive form of liver inflammation. If he'd had enough to drink to blow point one on the blood-alcohol, he'd be dead right now. [drinks] This is good coffee. CUT TO: INT. WESLEY POLICE CELL - NIGHT Toby is still having a word with Judge Mendoza. TOBY Why didn't you take a Breathalyzer? MENDOZA Because I was driving within the speed limit, I was driving on the right side of the road, I had valid tags and registration and as far as I know, I don't have any warrants for my arrest in Connecticut. TOBY Judge... MENDOZA Absent just cause, Toby. The Breathalyzer's an illegal search. It's a civil rights violation. TOBY So you give Barney Fife a hard time to make a point. MENDOZA Point worth making. TOBY Not now. MENDOZA Yes now, right now. TOBY One phone call, Judge. 'Toby, this has happened. Tell 'em my name's Roberto Mendoza and the President's named me to the bench!' MENDOZA They pulled me over because I look like my name is Roberto Mendoza and I'm coming to rob your house. TOBY Let's go. [starts to leave] MENDOZA Where are we going? TOBY Home. Let's go home! MENDOZA I'm not going anywhere. TOBY Judge. MENDOZA I'm under arrest, Toby. TOBY Not anymore. Let's go. MENDOZA You pull all the strings you want, Toby, but not for me. Come Monday, I'm gonna inveigle myself of the criminal justice system for which I have worked my entire adult life. TOBY Judge, due respect. Get your things and let's go. MENDOZA [angrily] My kid was in the car, Toby. They patted me down and they handcuffed me in front of my nine year old boy. Then he and his mother got to see them put me in the squad car and drive away. TOBY He's also seen you wearing a robe with a gavel in your hand. MENDOZA He doesn't understand that. He doesn't know what that is. He understands what the police are because he watches television. That's what he's gonna remember, his father being handcuffed. So America just got another pissed-off guy with dark skin. TOBY Robbie and Laura, where are they right now? MENDOZA Motel a few miles... TOBY There's nothing about this that doesn't stink. If it were me, I'd wanna extract vengeance, and I'd say 'Let justice be done.' I'd also wanna spend some time in a dark room alone, so that I didn't have to face my wife and my son and have them see my humiliation. Rob, I can't get this done if this is the story. Can't get it done. Nothing about this that doesn't stink. And nothing about it that wouldn't be better if you were a Supreme Court Justice. Let me take you to the motel. Go see your boy. CUT TO: INT. WESLEY POLICE STATION - NIGHT In the lobby, Sam is playing with his coffee cup. OFFICER PETER So, can I ask, a guy in your job, do you know missile codes and that sort of thing? SAM Yeah. OFFICER PETER Outstanding. Toby and Mendoza come out of the back room. SAM Good evening, Mr. Justice. MENDOZA Good evening, Sam. TOBY [to Officer Peter] You got personal items? OFFICER PETER Yes sir. He leaves to get Mendoza's stuff. TOBY Your lucky night, officers. There isn't gonna be a report, there isn't going to be an investigation, no one's getting suspended. And no one's filing a hundred million dollar lawsuit against the county that they would almost surely win. But in this room, you're gonna apologize to Mr. Mendoza. And then you're gonna get in your squad car and you're gonna follow us and you're gonna apologize to his son. SERGEANT McNAMARA Judge Mendoza, we sincerely apologize for our mistake. MENDOZA Thank you. TOBY Let's go. Toby and Mendoza start to leave. SAM I also gotta say, you guys could do a better job of marking the exits on the throughway. TOBY Let's go! SERGEANT MCNAMARA We'll be behind you. CUT TO: EXT. WESLEY POLICE STATION - CONTINUOUS Sam, Toby and Mendoza are walking out of the police station, heading for their car. MENDOZA You know what, Toby. If there's no reason for you guys to go back to Washington, you should spend the night here. TOBY [opens car door] What's up here? MENDOZA Great antiquing. [enters car] TOBY Killing me, Judge. You're absolutely killing me. Toby closes the car door. Sam dials his phone. SAM Josh. JOSH Yeah. SAM It's over. CUT TO: INT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT Josh is standing to the back of the stage. JOSH Good. [hangs up phone and sits back down] That's the last time the phone will ring. I promise. NESSLER Josh... JOSH There's a part of the story I didn't tell you. I can't. Trust me, it doesn't involve... I-I-I just can't right now. Ask me back again after the Senate confirms Mendoza. You really should hear it, it's a good story. NESSLER Why don't we take some questions. JOSH Yeah. Josh turns to his audience. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 1.15 -- 'Celestial Navigation' Original Airdate: February 15, 2000, 9:00 PM, EST Transcript By: Cindy Dechief